Chapter 18
Bailey
I knew Van would be hesitant about meeting Jay and spending time with him and Riley, but it was time.
Besides, Heidi was there, and he couldn't stand being away from her for long.
The blue Victorian loomed in front of us, and I shut off the car's engine and climbed out.
Holding out a hand, I waited patiently for Van to take it before heading up the front walk to the latched gate.
The front door opened, and Heidi barreled toward us. I saw Mama framed in the doorway and winked at her. She knew this was what Van needed.
"Heidi girl!" Dropping to his knees, Van let his dog cover him in butt wags and sloppy kisses. Climbing in his lap, nearly knocking him over, she enthusiastically greeted him—and he returned the favor.
"Good thing we came when we did," I said. "Clearly, she was on her last leg."
Van glared at me, but the grin lighting up his face only made the expression funnier. "Clearly."
Nearly vibrating in her excitement, Heidi finally noticed me and pushed her nose in my hand, tail whapping the fence post. Scrubbing the top of her head and down the side of her body, I said, "Let's go inside before you hurt yourself."
Mama held her arms open, and I hugged her tightly, shifting her back from the door. She had on a bright red floral caftan, highlighting the gray in her hair she'd never bothered to dye.
"Come on in, you two. Have you eaten breakfast?"
"We had blueberry muffins," I answered, watching Van practically shrink back inside himself. Reaching out, I took his hand once more. "Van braved the bakery to bring me breakfast in bed."
"Such a sweet man. I knew you would be." She set off down the hall toward the kitchen, her clothing billowing out behind her. "Jay is having coffee, Van, if you want some."
"Sure, thanks."
When we reached the kitchen island, Jay stood to greet us. After hugging me, he held his arms out to Van. "I'm a hugger, how 'bout you?"
Though he hesitated, Van let go of my hand to let Jay hug him. It was a combination of the type of bear hug Jay gave me and a quick, manly pat on the back. Both men appeared just a little uncomfortable.
"Coffee?" I asked as Heidi settled herself on the floor.
"Help yourself, child," Mama said, picking up her crossword puzzle and sitting beside Jay.
Charlie appeared in the room, rubbing against the wall before pattering over to me.
Since he wasn't allowed on the counters here, he contented himself by twining between my feet and wandering over to butt his head on Van's legs.
Always more at ease with animals than people, he bent to pick him up and scratch behind his ears.
Since the two were enamored for the time being—Charlie could change his mind about accepting love in a heartbeat—I made my way to the coffee maker to pour some for both of us. Since there was a tin of hand cream on the counter, I picked it up to give to Van with his coffee.
"Are you off work today?" Mama asked.
His cheeks remained flushed, and he set Charlie down. "Yes, ma'am, or I'd be there now."
"That's right, you work early hours."
"Four to one." With a murmur of thanks, Van accepted the mug I handed him. It was emerald green, and mine was deep purple. "Um, Jay, these mugs are great. Bailey told me you make them."
"Thanks, son. It's a hobby, mostly, but sometimes I make a dime or two."
"It's a good hobby."
They fell silent, and I glanced at Riley to fill it in.
"Would you tell me about Heidi, Van? She's so incredibly well-behaved."
He looked startled at the question. "Oh, um." Scratching the back of his neck, Van glanced at Heidi, sprawled in front of the back doors. "I wanted a friend who had my back in all situations. In my previous line of work . . ."
Nobody commented as he trailed off.
"It seemed like a good plan to have a security dog.
Originally, I wanted a Cane Corso because they look so fierce.
But Heidi . . ." Lifting her head from her paws, she wagged her tail at the sound of her name.
"She was the one I saw first at the shelter.
This itty bitty ball of black fur with a pink belly.
And I couldn't resist her big brown eyes. I guess I'm a sucker for them."
I might have blushed when Van glanced at me.
"Anyway, I took her for training so she could keep up with me on the streets. I learned Jiu-Jitsu from a young age, and I guess I thought it made me a badass to have a tactically trained dog to match my skills."
"No wonder she follows commands so readily," Jay commented.
"My sister, Beth, kept up with her training until she could become certified. It's not really necessary anymore, but it does help to know she has my back. It's a comfort."
Likely the only comfort he'd had for a long time. Blinking against the threatening tears, I sipped my coffee and wondered how open about his past Van would be with my parents.
"What does your sister do?" Riley asked, adjusting her reading glasses since she was no longer focused on her crossword.
"She's an attorney on the East Coast."
Nodding, Riley said, "Impressive. Has she missed you since you moved?"
And that was all it took for a panic-stricken expression to fall across his face and his hands to tighten into fists. Quickly stepping in, I said, "I'm sure she does. Do we need to get going, Van? I know you have to fit in some grocery shopping today."
Jay frowned but kept his mouth shut. Van looked at me gratefully. "Yeah, I think we should do that."
"Thanks so much for the coffee, Mama. It was nice of you to keep Charlie and Heidi for us."
"Come by anytime, you two." Always deeply understanding, Mama didn't make the slightest fuss at us dipping out after I'd said we would stay.
"Thanks, Ms. Mathis—uh, Riley." Patting his leg, Van waited for Heidi to heel and headed to the front door where the bag of pet things was located.
Trailing along behind him, I scooped Charlie into my arms and tucked him into his carrier.
He wasn't a huge fan of it, but he was rarely an asshole about getting in.
Knowing we were heading out, Heidi obediently followed us without Van even having to leash her.
Loading them into my car was less of a hassle than I expected, and then I turned to hug my parents goodbye.
"Thank you for everything, Mama," I mumbled in her ear. "We needed the time alone."
"Someday soon, I hope, it's the grandkids I'll watch for you." Squeezing me as I groaned, Riley kissed my cheek and patted my shoulder. "I love you so much, pea."
"You too, pod. Bye, Jay." I hugged him and climbed behind the wheel, watching Van struggle to keep his face turned away from me and also them.
I waited until I'd pulled out of the driveway before speaking. "Are you okay?"
"Yes."
Well, we all knew that was a lie. "Van, you can talk to me, you know. Or just hold my hand if you need to."
With that, he gripped my hand tightly with his and said nothing. The drive back wasn't long since our town was so small, but I wondered if he would stay or want to go to his place.
Pulling into the lot at home and putting the car in park, I faced him and studied his profile. His jaw was locked tight, his eyes wet, and his nose red. "Do you want me to run Charlie upstairs and take you home?"
Finally facing me, Van met my gaze. When he blinked, a few tears dripped slowly down his cheeks. "No, but I need a second."
"Come up when you're ready."
My heart nearly seized in my chest at the way he nodded, wiping his cheeks. Heartbroken was the way I would describe him, and I hated it. He'd been so carefree and content last night and this morning, and all it took was a reminder of his sister to break him again.
Heidi watched me take Charlie's carrier from the car, and I shouldered the bag too since it was there. Opening the back door of the bakery, I caught Alex's eye on my way past the kitchen.
"Do me a favor and ignore Van when he comes in, okay?"
Though he frowned, Alex nodded and headed to the other end of the kitchen, singing along to the Alabama song coming through his speaker.
Once in my apartment, I set everything down and let Charlie out.
Instead of bolting the way I expected, he sniffed cautiously at every surface.
Maybe my place smelled of Van now, which was more than fine by me.
I wanted him to permeate my entire life, from my home to my bookstore to my heart.
If his ocean scent covered my sheets, I'd only be happy about it.
Hearing the door, I spun in place and watched Van and Heidi come inside. She went for the rug by the couch and plopped down with a sigh. Feeling in sync with a dog for the first time ever, I tried not to sigh with her. That was the last thing Van needed from me.
Wringing my hands together, I asked, "How are you?"
"It's just one of those things. Like grief, I can put aside my feelings of guilt and shame for a period of time, and then it all comes screaming back."
"I know she'd be proud of who you are now."
His brows narrowed. "How can you possibly know that?"
I shrugged. "It's how I'd feel if you were my brother. It's how I feel about you now."
"Proud of me?" he scoffed. At my nod, he continued. "For what? Running like a coward?"
"For turning your life around. Being someone worthy of pride, Van."
"Every day, I wonder if I did the right thing. If I hadn't taken the deal, Beth would never have had the chance of being a target."
"You think she's a target?" The thought hadn't crossed my mind.
"She could be. Easily. Just because I ran without telling her where doesn't mean those guys would believe her.
" Restlessly, Van paced my small living room.
"We have different last names, but she's my attorney of record.
It would be simple to find her maiden name and realize she's only my lawyer because we're related. If they hurt her to get to me . . ."
He didn't have to complete his sentence for me to understand the gravity of the situation. "But they're in prison now, right?"
"The brothers are."
"Has someone taken up the business behind them? I mean, for all you know, they've disbanded."
"It's not Robin Hood's band of merry men, Bailey." His voice lashed out, and I nearly cringed. "I took money out of their pockets and fucked up their business. I betrayed them, and the mob doesn't take that lightly."
"Is there any way to contact her? Anything at all?"
Coming to a stop near me, Van closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. "I could buy an untraceable burner phone. Fuck, I could call her from here if I knew no one was watching her or did something like tap her phone, but I have no guarantees."
"I understand." Reaching out, I took his hand. "Listen, whatever you want, we'll do it. If you want to go inland to buy a phone, we'll do it. If you want to go grocery shopping for real, we'll do that."
"What if all I want to do is curl up with you? If I want you to show me what love is supposed to be like in the real world?"
"What makes you think I know?"
The small grin he gave me was lopsided. "I've seen it inside you. It practically radiates from your aura or some shit. With your friends, with Riley and Jay, who are your family for all intents and purposes."
My heart rate picked up when he stepped closer.
"You've shown it to me." Framing my face between his large hands, he kissed my forehead. "You've shown me repeatedly."
Had I done that? Had I shown him what love was meant to look like when I hardly knew myself?
"I didn't want to tangle you up in all of this." Pulling me into his embrace, Van hugged me tightly. "I fell for you against my will, and nothing I tried could make it otherwise."
My mouth had gone dry. "It's not bad to love me."
"But it is terrifying."
"It's not supposed to be." Clinging to him, I grasped the back of his t-shirt in my fist.
"Yeah, it is." He rested his head on top of mine. "It's a free fall, the both of us left without a parachute. The ground is rushing toward us at breakneck speed, and our only hope is to hold on to each other and never let go."
Pulling back a bit, he pressed his mouth to mine. The scent and taste of him exploded on my tongue, the sense of being cradled as gently as a newborn baby invading my thoughts. "You're no villain, Van Davies."
His lips curved against mine. "Maybe not anymore, but only because you give me a reason to be better."
This man was more than enough to go through life with, regardless of how bumpy the ride might be. "Well, if we're crashing to the ground, we'd damn sure better do it together."
"I wouldn't want to fall with anyone but you, love."
With those words, he kissed me, holding me snugly against his body.
Unsteady on my feet, all I had was Van to clutch onto, to hope he would actually be there to catch me when things became too fast and too dangerous.
Though I trusted him with my heart, I wasn't yet positive I could trust him to hold fast in rough waters.
If we capsized, I needed him to be my life raft the same way I would be his.
"You know I love you like crazy," I said.
"That's a miracle in and of itself." But he kissed me again, threading his hands through my hair. "I love you the same, Bailey. You're all I have."
Somehow, I'd find a way to ensure he had more than that. Everyone deserved a family of their own, and he was no exception.