Chapter 26
Bailey
We had a plan, and that should have been enough for me.
I sure as hell didn't want to break up with Van or leave him to deal with this mess alone.
But I couldn't live with knowing he might ditch me at any moment.
I would accept the danger he represented any day over the loneliness I was entirely too accustomed to feeling.
Being with him these past months had been more freeing, more exciting, than all the years I'd been alive.
As someone who ran the streets most of his young adult years, he'd had plenty of excitement, and not the good kind.
Now, all I wanted was for us to have a quiet life together.
Working in Port Townsend, going our separate ways during the day, loving each other at night, only to start over again as soon as the sun rose over the water.
Companionship, loyalty, someone to bitch with and laugh with and fuck up with . . .
Coming up behind me, Van ran his fingertip along my spine, making my shoulders hunch and my back arch. "What are you thinking about so hard?"
Good fucking God; tingles spread all over my skull, skipping through my veins to settle and pool in a wetness of their own making. "Well, now I'm thinking about what else you can do with those magic fingers."
Tilting my chin up, he left me with a tender kiss. "And before that?"
I bit back my sigh, turning in his arms to snuggle. Though we were in the middle of my store several days after talking to the police, I didn't mind showing him affection. "Everything, I guess."
"That's an awful lot for one person to worry about."
"I know." What an understatement. I worried about it alone because he was the cause for my doubts.
"I want you to be mine, Bailey. Always."
"I know, sweetie."
Why did that bring tears to my eyes? We'd known all along we had the sticking kind of love, the kind that lasted and never waned.
It would burn hot and bright, never fizzling out.
Not even a force of nature could come between the love we felt.
But would he walk away from it if he thought it was the right thing to do?
That was the crux. That was the rub, the part I couldn't get past, no matter how hard I worked over it in my mind, twisting it and dissecting it in an effort to find a solution.
Yet, he'd stayed. He promised he would, and he did. We were no closer to knowing who was after him, and he'd stayed.
"I love you." His words disappeared into my skin as he tasted my collarbone, exposed by my boat-neck top. I clung—to him, to hope—and let him go farther, dipping down to suck on the flesh above my bra.
But the damn stupid tears had stubbornly made their appearance, and he noticed them. Straightening, he looked at me with a wounded expression. "Baby."
I bit my lip and sighed. "It's not that I don't want to trust you, but you've said the words out loud. You're waiting for the shit to hit the fan, and then you're out of here."
Backing up, Van gripped his hair in one hand, letting the other follow to swoop through the mass in need of a trim. "I hate that my actions have proven too many times that you're right. You have no reason to believe me, and I can't change that."
"Van—"
"And I know what I said the other day. I know I'm contradictory. But I can't leave now, because I love you too much to lose you. Now I understand that's your limit, and I couldn't possibly cross it. The risk is too high."
"We have to stick together when things get rough and not assume we know better than the other how to deal."
"Bailey, I'm agreeing with you."
"I know, but it's not processing." Shrugging, I felt like an idiot.
Would he tell me what I wanted to hear and then do the opposite as soon as he got the chance?
Why did I have all these doubts now, when things were nearly perfect between us?
"I was more certain of us before we got together.
When I had to fight and be the strong one, convincing you we could be amazing.
Now that I know what I stand to lose, I'm pretty much terrified it'll slip away. "
Gathering me in his arms, Van stroked my back for several seconds. All I did was stand there and breathe deeply, inhaling his familiar scent and letting it seep in to comfort me.
"Listen, don't take this the wrong way, but . . ."
"But what?"
Pulling away enough to look into my eyes, he said, "You're clinging to the idea that you'll lose anything good in your life. Why is that?"
"Because I lost my parents as a baby, and we lost the house I love so much."
He frowned. "What house?"
"I never got around to telling you about it, but there's a house on the highest bluff overlooking the bay. When my parents were alive, we lived there. It was passed down through several generations, but Riley had no choice in selling it."
Swiping a stray hair off my face, he asked, "She couldn't afford to keep it?"
"No." I shook my head. "She might have been able to make it work for a little while with my parents' life insurance, but she felt it was better to hold on to that money until I was older so I could go to college.
And, of course, it bought me my shop. Selling was the smart move, and I know that deep down. "
It wasn't that I didn't know I suffered from separation anxiety, or that it could affect my everyday life.
I just hadn't considered that it was currently an issue until he said it out loud.
I'd never loved anyone as much as I loved Van; as thoroughly, as deeply, as exquisitely.
If I lost him, I feared I could no longer function.
"Bailey."
Suddenly seeing it so clearly, I shook my head. "Yeah, I get it. I'm afraid if we get too close, I'll lose you."
"And while you have reason to believe the opposite, I want you to understand me when I say I can't leave you now. Maybe I have Beth in my life again, but it's not the same. There's no way I can go back to being alone in the world."
"You wouldn't be alone anymore. You can go back to Maryland now." Sniffing, I moved out of his embrace. "You don't need me."
"I need you more than I need my next breath." Taking my shoulders, he turned me back into his embrace. "And I've told you often enough for you to know it here."
He pressed his palm to my heart, and I nodded up at him. "I know."
"Please hear me when I say I can't live without you. I can't go back into hiding. I won't."
What I needed was to trust him; trust my heart. I'd had therapy as a teen when the fear of those I loved leaving me had ruined any chance of having a proper relationship with a guy. As soon as I got too close to someone, I pushed them away. That, or I picked losers who I knew wouldn’t stick.
"Maybe I need to think about going back to therapy." Since he was already there, I buried myself in his chest. "You don't need to deal with my issues when you have enough of your own."
"For the record, I want to. That's the point of being us." Kissing the top of my head, he said, "I've struggled with fight or flight for a fucking decade, Bailey. I want to fight now, the way I used to."
"No more flight?"
"No more running, not when I have you to hold on to."
Smiling against him, I realized my head felt settled for once. It was in line with my heart, knowing Van would never leave me. "I trust you," I whispered.
His chest quivered against my ear, and I heard him inhale. "You have no idea what that means to me."
"You're stuck with me now."
"Nowhere else I'd rather be."
"Hey, you two." Alex's voice drifted in on a current of air, and I stepped back from Van to greet him.
"Hey."
"You know I spoke to Kay after you did, but I wanted to tell you I also put up a security camera in the parking lot."
My brows went up. "Okay?"
Alex shrugged. "I want to catch this guy on camera. The last thing we need is him fucking things up."
"Anything yet?" Van asked. With his hand in mine, I felt his pulse beating thickly against my thumb.
"I'm not sure." Scratching the back of his neck, Alex continued. "There was someone who looked similar, but he didn't have the hat on."
"Can we see him?" I asked.
He nodded. "That's why I came over. I'll have to bring you next door, though."
Without hesitation, I led Van behind me, locking up and flipping the sign on the door. I'd left Charlie upstairs with Heidi, so all I had to do was follow Alex to the tiny office he used off the kitchen.
He had the frame of the video pulled up and paused. It was grainy, but I saw the shape of the man standing by the back door.
The door only employees and I were meant to use.
"He loitered here for about five minutes last night." Hitting a button on his keyboard, Alex let the video play. "Looks like it could be the same guy, right?"
"Yeah." Leaning forward, I squinted at the blurry image. "There's that tattoo I was trying to remember."
I traced my finger over it, and Van said, "A star."
"Looks like you guessed it right." Hitting the keyboard again, Alex fast-forwarded. "He leaves, then comes back a few hours later."
Was he trying to get inside, or just hoping we'd come back so he could surprise us?
"We need to send this to Kay."
"Already done." Alex looked up at me from the chair. "I copied it and sent it over."
"I don't recognize him." After a second of chewing on his lip, Van repeated, "I don't recognize him."
The relief I heard was palpable. "It's not someone from your past."
"There's always a chance, but it's no one I know."
"Thanks, Alex. For everything."
It was a no-brainer to go upstairs. We let ourselves in, greeted by Charlie doing an impression of a cat on his last leg. With a half-hearted grumble, I added kibble to his dish and watched Van leash up Heidi.
We walked for a long time. Down the strand of sand until the surf receded and the sun disappeared behind the bluff.
Past dinnertime, past the time any sane person would walk up and down the shore.
We walked until my calves ached and my back protested.
Finally, on some silent agreement, we walked up the beach path to Riley and Jay's back porch.
She opened the door, her intuition always spot on. "Good news?"
"Can I have something to drink first?"
Chuckling, Riley pulled me inside for a hug, then put her arms around Van. She took us into the kitchen, poured lemonade, and called Jay to come hear what the kids had to say.
It really warmed my heart that she called Van one of her kids. Jay and Heidi had a brief moment where they greeted each other like long-lost lovers, and then we settled at the kitchen island.
"Alex caught the guy on video, and it's not anyone Van knows."
"Oh, that's fantastic." Riley paused. "But why do you look sad?"
Surprised to hear it, I smoothed out my features. "I do?"
"While it's not someone I recognize, they could still be from my past." Van thanked Riley for the glass she handed him. "But they asked for Van, and that's not my real name."
I'd known he would tell them the truth for a while now, so I wasn't terribly shocked to hear him say it.
"Okay," Riley said, waiting patiently for his explanation.
"It's not really important what my name used to be, because I'm getting it legally changed to Van Davies. I'm going to train to be a vet tech, and I'm going to live with your daughter if she'll have me." He gripped my hand. "She knows all there is to know about me, and she loves me despite it."
My face flushed. "Just so you know, I'd planned on asking you to move in with me once I got over my abandonment issues."
"There's no need to wait." He framed my face in his hands. "Is there?"
"No." Tears pricked my eyes, but at least I knew they were happy tears. "No, there's not."
"On that note, don't be surprised when I ask you to marry me very soon."
My breath caught in my throat, and I had to swallow past it in order to speak. "Duly noted."
"That's truly wonderful news, Van." Holding her arms out, Riley waited for him to step into her embrace.
"I'm thrilled for you," Jay said. I saw the twinkle in his eye and knew he was already planning for grandchildren.
"Thanks, Jay." Figuring I should give him a part of myself, I hugged him and said, "Thanks for being my dad all these years."
"Oh, it's not fair to make an old man cry."
"Sorry," I said, hugging him again.
Van stood on the other side of the island from me, talking to Riley. He caught my gaze and grinned at me, and I grinned back. The strange man was still an anomaly, a lurking threat, but we would move forward with our lives regardless.
After a minute, Van went to the bathroom. Riley held my shoulders and looked at me very carefully. "It's not the fear of losing them that scares us. It's that we've given them so many of our pieces that we fear losing what’s left of ourselves when they're gone."
Well, if she'd meant to make me sob, she'd succeeded.
"With or without him, you've got a full life. Friends, family, patrons. We all love you." She wiped my face with the sleeve of her sweater. "But, sweetheart, you're so much more fulfilled when you're with him."
"I'm scared, Mama. Terrified that he's loved me so thoroughly I can't live without him now."
"I know, pea. We all feel that deep down, but we can't let it rule our lives."
Jay wrapped his arms around the both of us, and when Van came back from the bathroom, Riley gestured for him to join us.
We were a family now, and I had to embrace it instead of worrying about losing it. I deserved that, and so did Van.