17. Shante
SHANTE
By the time I pulled into the parking lot at the county jail, I had talked myself out of going inside at least four times.
I should’ve just taken my ass home. My back was killing me, my ankles were swollen, and at this point, I was just ready to have these babies, I was big as fuck and my stomach entered rooms before I did.
Rolling over in bed had become a whole event, and I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen my damn feet without working for it.
With less than a month left, I was over being pregnant, over lying, over crying, over everybody.
Especially my brother, after that phone call with Kim, I couldn’t sit in that empty ass apartment another minute.
Somebody needed to hear what the fuck I had to say.
And it wasn’t going to be Grandma she’d already heard enough.
It wasn’t going to be Malik because he didn’t want shit to do with me, and it damn sure couldn’t be Alisha. Every time I thought about her, guilt ate my ass alive. So that left Deuce the nigga responsible for getting me into this shit in the first place.
By the time I made it through security and sat down waiting for him, everything I wanted to say had been running through my head over and over.
My brother had always been selfish. Everybody who loved Deuce knew that.
He had a way of making his problems sound like everybody else’s emergency.
If Deuce was drowning, he’d convince you to jump in the water with him, then climb on your back to save himself.
That’s exactly what he’d done to me and I let him.That was the part I couldn’t keep running from.
Nobody put a gun to my head, nobody dragged me into a doctor’s office.
I signed those papers and went to the appointments.
I let doctors put my brother and his side bitch’s babies inside my body because Deuce had convinced me this shit was going to fix everything.
Kim would finally get the babies she’d been begging for and she would get off his back.
The pressure on Deuce would ease up and he could get his shit together.
This move would save his family and everybody would move on.
That’s what he’d sold me and my dumb ass bought every word.
Now look at us, Deuce was in jail anyway, Kim was crazier than ever and Malik was gone.
I was lying to my best friend every time I looked at her.
And in a few weeks, I would be handing two babies over to a woman I couldn’t fucking stand.
Some sacrifice, when they finally brought Deuce out, I stared at him through the glass. Even in jail, this nigga had the nerve to look irritated. Like I’d interrupted something important. He picked up the phone and I picked up mine.
“What up?”
I stared at him.“What up?”
His eyebrows pulled together and that was all it took. “You got me fucked up.”
“Shante—”
“No, don’t Shante me.”
I had promised myself I wasn’t coming in there yelling, that promise lasted about five seconds. “I hate your ass right now.”
Deuce leaned back. “You drove down here to tell me that?”
See that right there same old selfish ass Deuce.
I stared through that glass at the same little boy I’d protected growing up.
My brother, my blood, the person I’d lied for, fought for, defended, and covered for more times than I could count.
I made the biggest sacrifice of my life for this no good ass nigga and somehow he still had an attitude.
“I lost Malik because of you.”
His face hardened. “We already talked about that.”
“No, you talked. I’m talking now.”
I had plenty to say and I told him what it felt like going home to that empty ass apartment every night. Malik hadn’t just left that nigga cleared that bitch out. I had my clothes, the bed, baby shower stuff, one bath towel, one face towel, and whatever Grandma had helped me replace.
The first morning I woke up after Malik left, I went into the kitchen and opened a drawer looking for a fork and come to find out that nigga took the silverware.
Who takes fucking forks? Apparently a man who was completely done with your ass.
Grandma thought that part was hilarious, but I was still pissed.
Him taking all that shit didn’t bother me as much as knowing I’d watched Malik spend months preparing to become a father.
That man rubbed my stomach and talked to the babies.
And every single time, I knew the truth.
Deuce listened until he couldn’t help himself.
“Malik wasn’t your husband.”
I stared at him. “What the fuck does that mean?”
“I’m saying you acting like your whole life over because that nigga left.”
This motherfucka here. “Because you don’t give a fuck about nobody’s relationship but yours.
” He didn’t say anything. One of the babies moved beneath my hand, and I rubbed the spot without thinking.
That was another part nobody talked about.
I’d bonded with them and I didn’t mean to.
I knew they weren’t mine, but knowing something in your head and living it inside your body were two different things.
I’d learned their movements and their little routines.
What foods made them active, which one seemed calmer and which one stayed cutting up.
Soon they would be gone, everybody kept acting like I was supposed to hand them over and return to normal. What is normal? The life I had before this didn’t exist anymore.
“I did this for you.”
Deuce looked at me. “I know.”
“No, the fuck you don’t.” My eyes burned, but I wasn’t crying in front of him.
“You came to me with all that shit about Kim and her daddy and that if she got what she wanted, she’d leave you alone.
You told me this would help you get from under all that pressure.
” Deuce looked away. “Look at me.” I yelled. “You told me you needed me.”
He didn’t say anything. “And because you’re my brother, I did it.
” That was the part that hurt. Kim didn’t mean shit to me, I already knew what type of woman she was.
I thought there was a limit to what he’d let me sacrifice for him, apparently there wasn’t.
“You made me feel like if I didn’t help you and something happened, I was gonna have to live with knowing I could’ve done something. ”
“I ain’t make you do shit.”
Everything in me went still. For a few seconds, I just stared at him.
“You know what? You're right.” He watched me. “You didn’t make me.” I nodded slowly.
“I was stupid enough to love your ass more than I loved myself.” That shut his ass up.
“I put my relationship, friendship and my fucking body on the line. I pointed down at my stomach. “Look at me, Deuce I’m big as a fucking house carrying two babies for you and a bitch I can’t stand.
I did all this because you had me believing it was gonna help keep your ass out of exactly where you’re sitting right now. ”
I looked past him at everything behind that glass. After all that shit, county fucking jail. “And you still ended up in jail.” He didn’t have shit to say. “So what the fuck did I do this for?” He didn’t have an answer because there wasn’t one.
Kim still didn’t have Deuce. Deuce still didn’t have his freedom. Alisha was still being lied to and Malik was gone. And I was the one left carrying the results of everybody’s fucked up decisions. “I hate you for that.” Deuce stared at me and for a second, I thought maybe he finally understood.
“I ain’t know it was gonna go down like this.” He finally answered.
“Neither did I!”
A couple people nearby looked over, fuck them too. “I thought I was helping my brother save his family.” The second I said family, something changed in Deuce’s face.
And I already knew before his mouth even opened, I knew where his selfish ass was about to go.
“Alisha still doesn't know, right?”
I stared at him, muthafucka couldn’t be serious. I’d just sat there telling him my relationship was over and I was miserable and that I regretted the biggest decision I’d ever made. And the only thing he needed reassurance about was whether his wife still knew anything.
“You really are one selfish muthafucka.” I snapped.
“I’m asking a question.”
“And I’m telling you my whole fucking life is falling apart!”
“I heard you.”
“No, you didn’t.” I leaned toward the glass.
As far as I knew, Alisha still didn’t know.
She couldn’t have because she was just at my apartment bringing more baby stuff.
Calling these babies her niece and nephew and talking about how excited she was.
If Alisha knew the truth, she wouldn’t be buying shit.
She’d probably be trying to kill my ass.
“She doesn’t know.”
I watched Deuce relax and that pissed me off. “Are you happy now?”
“Shante, come on.” He said irritated.
“No, that’s what you wanted to know, right? Your wife still doesn't know you’re having twins with your side bitch through her best friend. Congratulations.”
His eyes moved around. “Keep your voice down.”
“Fuck you.” I was tired of protecting him. At least sitting there I was because the truth was, the second I walked back outside, I’d still be lying, still hiding and still scared to tell Alisha. I wasn’t letting Deuce act like his hands were clean.
“Kim called me.”
That got his attention. “For what?”
“To check on her precious babies.” I told him enough for him to understand. She’d called over and over until I answered. I’d told her Malik was gone and that I was miserable. And all that stupid bitch wanted to know was whether everything with the pregnancy was okay.
“Don’t answer her calls.”
I stared at Deuce, another fucking order. “You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore.”
“I’m saying you don’t gotta deal with her.”
“I shouldn’t have had to deal with her in the first fucking place.” He got quiet. “I hope it was worth it.”
Deuce frowned. “What?”