19. Alisha
ALISHA
Iwas done being everybody’s fucking fool.
That was the conclusion I came to after weeks of silence.
The hurt was still there, some mornings I woke up and had a few peaceful seconds before everything came rushing back, Deuce, Kim, the twins, Shante, grandma Lorraine knowing.
Malik being the one who finally told me.
My whole marriage had turned into some shit everybody knew about except the wife.
For a while, I kept asking myself why? Why did Deuce cheat? Why would Shante agree to carry those babies? Why would Grandma sit around me knowing the truth? Why was Kim so obsessed with somebody else’s husband that she’d accept any piece of him she could get?
Eventually, I stopped asking. Fuck a why because they did the foul shit and that was enough.
Everybody had gotten too comfortable with Alisha being loyal.
They thought because I loved hard, I would forgive anything.
Because I showed up, I’d always be there.
Because I had stayed through so much already, I’d stay through this too, but they had me fucked up.
The first thing I did was call a divorce attorney.
I didn’t tell anybody. I made the appointment, gathered everything the attorney requested and walked into that office knowing exactly what I wanted, a divorce and primary physical custody of Brittany, protection for my nail shop and every damn thing I was legally entitled to after five years of marriage.
I wasn’t walking away from my marriage with a broken heart and two suitcases while Deuce kept everything we’d built. Absolutely the fuck not. When the attorney asked whether reconciliation was an option, my answer came so damn fast. “No.”
She explained the process, and I paid attention.
She talked about the property, custody, joint accounts, the house and my business.
Deuce’s current incarceration complicated some things, but it didn’t stop me from filing.
I signed what needed signing and when I walked out, my wedding ring was inside my purse.
I wasn’t somebody’s wife anymore in my mind, the paperwork was just making it official.
Moving out of the house came next. I waited until Brittany was with Mama because she didn’t need to watch me pack up our life.
I hired movers not Rell or one of Deuce’s people.
A legitimate moving company that didn’t know shit about us besides the address and what needed to be moved.
Walking through that house one last time hurt more than I expected.
There were memories everywhere, Brittany learning to walk, Christmas mornings, family dinners. Me and Deuce on the couch arguing over movies. That was what people didn’t understand about leaving somebody. Everything didn’t have to be bad for you to know it was over.
I had loved Deuce in that house, but I wasn’t going to let old memories keep me trapped in a place where I could no longer respect the man I shared them with. So I packed my clothes, shoes, purses and personal things. Brittany’s entire room, her clothes and toys, everything she needed.
I left Deuce’s belongings exactly where they were.
His clothes still hung in the closet with his shoes lined up underneath them.
Cologne on the dresser. I didn’t destroy anything.
Didn’t bleach his clothes or cut up shoes or smash TVs.
I wasn’t giving that man anything he could use to make me look crazy.
I wanted him to come home and see exactly what he’d lost. An empty space where his family used to be would say more than bleach ever could.
I left the bed that muthafucka could keep it. By the time the movers finished, the house felt hollow. I stood in the living room for a minute taking one last look at the house I used to call home. Then I locked the door and left. I’d make another home.
I got in my truck and followed the movers to my new condo I purchased a few days ago in Novi.
It was smaller than what I was used to but big enough for me and Brittany.
I wasn’t looking to get into another relationship for a long time.
These niggas these days built different.
They don’t know what love or loyalty is, and I’m at the point in my life where I don’t have time for the bullshit.
Shante kept calling my phone and I kept declining her ass.
What the fuck was there to talk about wit her trifling ass.
Grandma Lorraine kept calling too and she got the same treatment.
I wanted nothing to do with Deuce’s snake ass family.
I really want to beat all their asses, but the worst thing I could do was leave them where they had me fucked up at.
I call that growth because the old me would have crashed the hell out on everybody.
I pulled up to the condo and backed in because I had some things in my trunk that I needed to get out.
The movers weren’t too far behind me, they pulled up and parked and got right to work.
After giving them instructions on where I wanted everything I got out of their way.
This was going to be a fresh start for me and this time around I was only focusing on me and Brittany.
I didn’t have to worry about what my husband was doing or what he was lying about.
If this is what peace felt like I was going to love it here.
I’m glad the movers unpacked for me and put everything together.
Lord knows I ain’t never put nothing together, that's what I had Deuce for. Now that he’s gone I guess I better get familiar with YouTube.
Once the movers were finally done I was so exhausted that I just got in the shower and went to sleep in Brittany’s bed since mine wouldn’t be delivered until tomorrow.
I needed to get some rest because tomorrow I was going to the bank and I needed to have a clear head.
I woke up the next morning and felt like my body had been run over by a truck.
I don’t know what made my big ass think I could sleep in a twin sized bed.
The second I tried to sit up, my lower back reminded me I was too grown and too thick to be folding myself into anybody’s little ass mattress.
“Never the fuck again.” I mumbled to myself.
I sat on the edge of Brittany’s bed and rubbed both hands over my face.
Brittany wasn’t there, which was probably a good thing because I already knew she would’ve been up asking for breakfast before I had fully opened my eyes.
I looked around her room and at least hers was done.
Everything was exactly how I wanted it. Mine still looked like somebody had robbed me.
My bedroom set from Gardner White was supposed to be delivered today, which was the only reason my grown ass had squeezed into Brittany’s twin bed in the first place.
The mattress was comfortable for a child, but not me.
I stood slowly and stretched and my back cracked.
“Lord.” I said out loud. I shuffled toward my bedroom and looked inside.
The room was mostly empty except for a few boxes, bags, and clothes I hadn’t unpacked yet, but it was mine and that’s all that mattered.
No Deuce or memories attached to every room.
No wondering whether another woman had called him while I was sleeping.
No checking his mood or walking around sensing something was off, just mine. I smiled.
My body might’ve been sore, but my spirit felt lighter than it had in months.
I grabbed my robe and headed into my bathroom.
That was another thing I loved, my bathroom.
Nobody leaving the toilet seat up or Deuce’s beard hair around the sink.
Nobody using my expensive face towels after I specifically said not to.
I turned the shower on hot and let the steam start filling the room.
While I waited, I took my bonnet off and looked at myself in the mirror.
My face looked tired, not beat down, just tired.
I had been doing a lot filing for divorce, moving, taking care of my daughter while still trying to make things normal for her.
Dealing with everything I had learned, getting my finances situated.
Trying to build a new life without sitting around feeling sorry for myself.
It was catching up with me physically. Still, when I looked at myself, I liked what I saw, a woman handling her shit.
I brushed my teeth first, flossed and rinsed.
Then I washed my face and tied my hair up before stepping into the shower.
The hot water hit my shoulders and I damn near moaned.
“Yeah.” That was what I needed, I stood under it for a minute before grabbing my washcloth.
I washed thoroughly and then I went back over myself because I liked leaving the shower feeling completely clean.
By the time I rinsed off, the stiffness in my back had eased up some.
I stepped out, wrapped myself in a towel and handled the rest of my routine deodorant, lotion, body oil, lotion, skincare, eye cream and lip balm.
My body had changed over the years, I was thicker than I used to be, but I looked good.
Deuce’s bullshit wasn’t about to have me walking around questioning that.
That man cheating had everything to do with his character and nothing to do with my body or my looks.
I went into my bedroom and started digging through one of the boxes marked clothes.
I pulled out a pair of dark fitted jeans, a black bodysuit and a cropped jacket, simple but cute.
Nothing that screamed I was trying to get chosen.
I put everything on and stood in front of the full length mirror leaning against the wall because it hadn’t been mounted yet.