Chapter 15 #2
He swallows. “He smuggled some of his product in through our deliveries. The cops were really on him at that point and he was having trouble getting things through.”
I don’t even know what to say. “You guys smuggled his drugs?” I finally whisper, then feel a stab of guilt when shame washes over his face, even as he shakes his head.
“Mac told him no drugs. No weapons. King assured him it would only be counterfeit goods.”
I nod. It’s plausible. Selling drugs is my uncle’s primary business, or maybe it’s right behind his loan shark operations.
I’m pretty sure he moves weapons through the county as well.
But counterfeits are definitely something he dabbles in, knock-off luxury items and electronics.
It would make sense he’d use a bar, a place constantly receiving deliveries, to get that stuff in.
“But,” Lawson continues, his voice thick.
“We didn’t really inspect that shit. We never wanted to look too closely, you know?
” The shame on his face deepens. “It could have been drugs.” He gives a bitter laugh.
“I don’t think Mac will ever forgive himself for it.
The same shit that ruined our parents, ruined our childhood.
We might have helped to bring more of it into the area. ”
I don’t respond. What could I possibly say? Sometimes people do what they have to do, I get that. Hell, I’d done that, when I was living with Victor. I’d helped him, too.
He must take my silence as judgement, because he hurries to explain more.
“My parents took off when Jules was sixteen,” he says, a plea in his voice.
“The twins were barely eighteen. Mac had been taking care of us forever, but now he was literally responsible for a teenage girl—and he considered himself just as responsible for the rest of us. That bar gave us a stable future.”
“I know,” I tell him, but he doesn’t stop. He’s pacing now, voice ragged.
“You have to understand what it was like then. No one would give him a loan. He used all his money to buy the property, and it was a shit hole. There was nothing left to bring it up to code, to buy product, to get us started—”
“Lawson, I know,” I cut in, louder now. “I get it.” I swallow, knowing I need to tell him the truth now.
“When I was living with him, he had me drop off product—and it wasn’t just counterfeits.
” I feel sick to my stomach even saying it.
“Sometimes it was to his more respectable clients—I guess it seemed less suspicious for a clean-cut looking teenager to approach someone at a store or a restaurant than one of the strung-out looking thugs he employed.” Bile rose.
“And sometimes he would send me into clubs and bars. The younger crowd was more likely to buy from someone like me.”
I close my eyes. “Hell, for all I know, the product I helped him to sell might have gone to your parents. I might have contributed to their addiction.” I shrug. “We could probably figure it out. See if the dates match up.”
“Stop it,” he says harshly, grabbing my arms and pulling me close. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You were living with a fucking monster and he was the only thing standing between you and homelessness. You had to do what he said.”
“I could have told someone,” I whisper.
“And then be in the foster system? Or worse, provoke that asshole? Get yourself on his shit list?” A tremor goes through him, like the thought alone scares the hell out of him. “No, Nova. You did what you had to do to survive.”
“Just like Mac did,” I tell him.
He closes his eyes. “He paid him back way ahead of schedule. He worked his ass off to make the money that would get King out of our bar, out of our lives. But I know he never forgave himself. He lives with the shame of that decision every day.”
A weight is pressing down on my chest, something heavier than the pain I’d felt overhearing him earlier. That had hurt but this…this feels like hopelessness.
“And that’s why you didn’t tell Mac about me,” I say, and Lawson freezes. “Because you knew who I am.”
He stares down at me, his mouth opening and then closing again, and I laugh sadly. “When did you figure it out? Who my uncle was? The night I told you about my mom leaving me with him?” Something flashes across his face. “It was earlier than that, wasn’t it?”
“At the fair,” he admits, his voice raspy with regret, and my stomach bottoms out.
“My best friend, Nick—Julianna’s fiancé—saw me and you get off the balloon that night.
He helped us get the bar started back then.
Mac tried to keep the rest of us far away from the business with King, but I know Nick was more heavily involved.
” He swallows again. “He recognized you.”
I want to cry. Want to fall into this man’s arms and have him tell me everything will be okay. But I can’t do that, because it won’t. It won’t be okay, not for us.
“The week after that, when you didn’t call me…you were trying to stay away? Because of Vic?”
He nods once, shame all over his face. Then he’s cupping my face again, drawing me close. “But I couldn’t. I couldn’t stay away from you.”
“Lawson.” I try to wiggle away but he holds me tighter.
“Nick thought you might still work with King. Apparently, he saw you together at some point. But even with that warning, I couldn’t stay away, Nova.
Don’t you see? This draw we have to each other, this connection…
it was so strong I couldn’t see around it.
In the end, I didn’t give a shit if you were working with King, not so long as I got to keep you in my life. ”
“But it would never have been more than this.” I place my hands over his still cupping my cheeks. “You would have always hidden me away. You never would have admitted to your brothers that we were together. You would have always been ashamed of us. Of me.”
“No,” he growls out, but I can see the flash of guilt in his eyes. He can argue all he wants, but he knows I’m right.
I pull his hands away. “This is why I wanted to leave,” I tell him. “As long as I stay here, I’m under his shadow. Connected to him.”
“Nova, that was before—”
“It wasn’t before!” I shout. “It was tonight. He’s trying to use your relationship with me to get back into business with you!
Or to get me to come back—he contacts me all the time, Lawson.
Shows up at the shop, calls me, shows up here.
He wants me to work for him and he wants access to your bar, and he’s not going to give up. ”
“I don’t give a shit what he tries to do,” Lawson barks. “I’m not letting him near Mac or the bar. And I’m not letting him near you either.”
I close my eyes. “You can’t stop him, Lawson. You know that. You know who he is.”
“He’s a back-country, two-bit criminal,” he shoots back. “I can handle myself.”
“Can your brothers handle themselves?”
“Yes,” he grits out.
“But you won’t let them. You wouldn’t ever put them in that position. Not for me.” He opens his mouth to argue but I hold up a hand. “What about Jules? What if he comes after her next?’
Rage flashes across his face. “Nick would kill him first. We all would.”
I take a step back. “Or I could just leave, like I always planned to do. Get out of this town, get out of your life.”
“I don’t want that!” he shouts. “Nova, I don’t want to lose you!”
“But you don’t really want to keep me, either,” I say, taking another step.
“That’s bullshit!”
“You want this, Lawson.” I point back toward my bedroom.
“You want the two of us together here, or in your apartment. But not out there, not where someone could see.” I laugh.
“God, even when we actually left the bed and went out, it was never in Solitude. That was on purpose, right? You didn’t want your brothers to see us. ”
He doesn’t have to respond for me to know I’m right. We just stand there in my shitty little apartment, staring at each other, while my heart breaks all over again.
“I want more than that,” I whisper. “I don’t want to be something that comes between you and your family. I don’t want to be something that threatens your bar. But I don’t want to be a secret, either.”
“You wouldn’t be. I’ll talk to Mac, I’ll—”
“When Sawyer told you he saw me tonight, did you tell him who I was?” His face falls. “I thought so.”
“Nova—”
“It’s okay, Lawson.” I wipe the tears that have started spilling down my cheeks. No point in trying to hide my heartbreak from him now. “You shouldn’t risk your family. Not for me. Not for anyone.”
“But I would,” he cries. “I would risk anything for you.”
Anger surges in my chest. “Don’t say that. It’s wrong.”
“It’s not—”
“I saw them tonight. Your family. They were all sitting at a table together, waiting for the music to start up again.” Pain slices through me, hot and sharp.
“They looked so happy, so comfortable together. I never had that, you know? There’s never been a group of people who gave a shit about me.
Never been anyone I stayed with long enough to feel comfortable like that.
To feel like I belonged.” I shrug, more tears spilling over. “One of us should have that.”
I start to walk to the door, needing this to be done now. Needing him to go.
“No!” He stops me, wrapping his arms around me, and fuck it hurts.
It hurts to know I won’t feel this again.
“You deserve that, Nova,” he whispers in my hair.
“You deserve to feel at home. You deserve to feel like you’re part of something.
Let me give that to you. We can figure this shit out with King, we can keep the bar safe. Let me show you.”
I let myself enjoy it for one moment, the familiar feel of his strong arms wrapped around me, his solid chest under my cheek. The smell of him, fresh rain and whiskey, so warm and comforting. I try to store it all away somewhere in my heart, knowing it’s the last time.
Then I push him away. “I’ll never belong here, Lawson.
You kept me from your family for a reason.
You knew they wouldn’t accept Victor King’s niece.
” I straighten my shoulders, trying to draw up every bit of strength I have left.
“I don’t belong with the people my uncle hurt.
And I’ll be damned if he’s able to use me to hurt you all anymore.
” I grab the door and open it. “You need to go.”
“Fuck that.”
“You need to go now, Lawson.” When he doesn’t move, I pull my phone from my pocket. “I’ll call Linc. If I tell him I want you gone—”
He seizes on that. “What about Linc? You’re just going to walk out on him, no notice?” He must see me wince because his expression hardens in determination. “I’ll leave, but you need to promise me something.”
I just shrug, feeling exhausted.
“Promise you won’t leave tonight. Stay until the morning, talk to Linc. Don’t you need to get your shit from the tattoo shop anyhow?” I don’t tell him that was my next stop. I have my portfolio and all my supplies and equipment there, and I won’t be able to get far in some new city without it.
“Sleep tonight and talk to Linc tomorrow,” he says, the plea obvious in his voice. “Give me the night to talk to my brothers and come up with a plan for King.” He takes my hands. “Give me one more conversation in the morning, after you see Linc. Please, Nova.”
I want to argue, but my strength is fading. He can sense it, too. “You’re exhausted. You shouldn’t be driving anywhere tonight. Sleep, baby, please. And talk to me again tomorrow.”
I nod, because what else can I say? I should talk to Linc first. The idea of having this conversation with Lawson again tomorrow makes me want to burst into tears all over again, but getting on the road when I’m this worn out and emotional wouldn’t be smart.
His expression turns victorious. “Thank fuck. You’ll see, Nova. Everything will look different tomorrow.” Then he leans in and kisses me. It’s a kiss like so many others we’ve shared, a simple goodbye kiss you give someone when you know you’ll see them later. It doesn’t feel like a last kiss.
But it has to be, I think as he leaves and I shut the door behind him. Nothing he said tonight changes anything. He’s still ashamed to be with me because of who I am. He’s still putting his family and his business in danger because of me.
No matter what I told him, I know I can’t stay.