Chapter 2 Caden
TWO
CADEN
The four of us all together again felt both familiar and sad at the same time.
Sabrina and I had fallen back into easy conversation like the old days.
But our table seemed to have an invisible wall running between Jesse and Emily, one that she seemed to want to hide behind and that Jesse yearned to climb but couldn’t bring himself to—at least, that’s how it looked from where I was sitting.
Still, even though I was sure I’d be in for it later, I could tell how happy he was to see his old girlfriend again, and happiness hadn’t come easy for him over the past year.
“So, what’s your story for being without a plus one tonight?” Sabrina asked me, leaning her chin on her hand as she held my gaze, a smirk that was more sad than playful tilting her lips.
“Divorced,” I said, lifting a shoulder and trying like hell to go for aloof. “It’s been a couple of years. She got the house, so I’m living in town again. How about you?”
Anything not to explain how I’d married someone I’d loved and had been so sure had loved me back. We’d both worked long hours, and I’d never thought in a million years that my wife’s idea of extra hours were extramarital affairs, until she was sloppy enough to get caught one very awful day.
Affairs. Plural. One would still have hurt, but the merry-go-round of dick Marie had been on for more years than I wanted to tally up was what had devastated and humiliated me.
But that was too deep for the superficial conversation we were all trying like hell to have tonight.
“Same. We never worked up to a house, so I guess that’s a good thing.” She shrugged, shooting me a smile that didn’t make it to her eyes. I remembered that smile. It was the one she’d always had when she’d sneak into my room late at night upset over some douche who’d just broken her heart.
I’d thought losing ourselves in each other during those moments was just a way to work off the hurt and pass the time, and it had been at first.
But kissing away all her troubles wasn’t just passing the time for me. It had been my purpose before I realized it, and I was unnerved by that same urge to press my mouth to hers to get rid of that stricken look on her face now.
I had to suck on my bottom lip to ward off the tingle.
I’d tried a few dates with women after my divorce but couldn’t muster up any sparks. I’d figured the rejection and anger killed that part of me, at least for the time being.
Leave it to Sabrina to kick up a stirring in my gut that I’d written off as dead, just by sitting next to me.
I’d never even told Jesse how I’d truly felt about her back then. Although, when he’d warn me to be careful, I’d wondered if he hadn’t always meant just dodging a punch from one of Sabrina’s exes.
“It sucks. I’m sorry,” I said, my voice dipping to a soft rasp as her eyes held mine. “Whoever he was, he’s an asshole.”
A slow smile spread across her face, almost bashful. The Sabrina I’d known was loud and bold. It was what I’d loved most about her, and if her ex-husband had taken any of that away, he really was an asshole.
“Back at you,” she whispered, bumping my shoulder.
I leaned in, my gaze snagging on hers. For only a moment, I felt that same connection we’d had back then.
Not just the sexual one, because there had been more to us than that.
There had been moments between us when it had been us against the world, seeking comfort from each other so we wouldn’t have to feel, yet getting each other on a level no one else had.
Maybe the pull toward her was from my battered self-esteem or that rush of the nostalgia St. Kate’s was going for tonight. Whatever it was, that old yearning to see Sabrina smile and laugh had taken over my common sense, and each time I succeeded, I felt that same rush.
Emily said she was unattached, while Jesse didn’t utter a word. I spotted Sabrina and Emily share a look when he blatantly avoided the question.
Whatever they assumed, they’d be wrong, but I didn’t fault Jesse for not wanting to go into it.
“A few people are supposed to head to a bar after this,” I said, lifting a shoulder. “Would you guys want to go? I figured we’re all out anyway. And you’re good for the night, right, Jess?”
I caught Jesse’s brow lift at me, probably as shocked as I was as the words fell from my mouth, but he didn’t look like he wanted to strangle me.
Much.
“You go,” Emily said, rushing up to stand and eyeing the door as if she were itching to make a quick escape. “I’ve had enough reunion for the night.”
“Then I’ll take you home,” Sabrina piped up, shaking her head. “I’m not letting you take a cab home.”
“I’ll take you home,” Jesse said, grabbing her arm. “I don’t want you to take a cab home either.”
Jesse’s offer shocked the shit out of me—and all of us, judging by Sabrina’s and Emily’s frozen faces.
Sabrina’s eyes flicked to mine as Emily protested until she finally gave in. I was proud of Jesse and hoped he’d finally settle things with Emily enough to give him some peace.
Sabrina’s memory didn’t eat away at me like that because she’d never been mine, at least not outside my dopey head. But I wasn’t ready for our reconnection to end. Whatever was driving the need to be close to her again, I’d indulge for the next few hours.
“I actually live close to the bar and can walk home from there,” I told Sabrina as I watched Jesse shift to follow Emily out of the room. I had to laugh at how high school it felt to be dumped by my best friend so he could go hang out with his girl.
And after the past year, a little high school might be good for me, starting with the pretty blonde standing next to me.
I ambled over to the valet with Sabrina, both of us watching Jesse and Emily exit out the glass doors in the front of the hall.
“Well, that was a plot twist I wasn’t expecting,” Sabrina whispered in my ear, her gaze following Emily and Jesse.
“Same,” I said, coughing out a laugh. “But I’m glad. They need to talk.”
“They do,” Sabrina said with a slow nod. “They always seemed…unfinished. All that time they were together and how close they were, the way they ended dangled. Like a shoe waiting to drop for all these years. Am I making sense?”
She furrowed her blond brow at me.
“Yes,” I said, clearing my throat when I noticed my low rasp. “A lot of sense.”
“You’re something special,” I said, a wimpy way to start my confession as Sabrina rested her head on my bare chest. I’d been rehearsing my speech all day, but being this close to her robbed me of all my words.
I’d have to go with short and sweet since I didn’t know how much I’d be able to force out.
“So are you,” she said, drifting her hand along the shadow of abs I’d acquired from my one season of track. She peered up at me, her smile making my heartbeat kick up enough for her to most likely feel it against her cheek.
My confession was right there, clogged in the back of my throat. I’d broken the rules of our arrangement, but since high school was over, maybe we could have a different one. An exclusive one where she’d be in my arms all the time, not only after some idiot broke her heart.
“And not only for this,” she said, motioning down our still-naked bodies.
My mother had to know what we were doing up here, but we needed to get clothes on before I heard a knock at the door.
She liked Sabrina, and judging by the smirk she’d sneak me whenever Sabrina would stop by, she knew I liked her too.
But catching us naked under a blanket? My mother wasn’t that cool.
And I didn’t want to tell Sabrina I loved her without pants on. It cheapened it, and what I felt for her wasn’t cheap. It was real, despite how hard I’d tried to convince everyone that we were just friends with occasional awesome benefits.
“There is no one else in my life, even Emily, who I can be this much myself around. I don’t have to hide anything or hold anything back. You let me be me. And somehow manage to tolerate it.”
“You’re pretty tough to take,” I tried to tease, tickling her side. I sucked in a long breath, clenching my eyes shut before I had to meet hers and finally tell her what had been eating away at me ever since I’d realized it.
I was in love with Sabrina. And now I had to tell her.
“Sab, listen—”
“At least we’re not Jesse and Emily,” she huffed. “Did I tell you she was thinking about canceling her scholarship tonight?”
I jerked my head back. “What? You can’t be serious. Her mother will kill her. Well, kill Jesse, then her.”
“I know,” she said with a groan. “I tried to talk her out of it, but I warned her about this so many times. Being boyfriend and girlfriend for so long makes it too complicated. They’re too tangled together, and now they’ll be miserable when they get separated.
” She propped her elbow onto my chest and rested her chin on her palm.
“That’s why it’s going to be so much easier for us in college.
No attachments, no regrets,” she told me with a wink and pressed her mouth to mine.
“Right,” I said, my thumping heart now falling into my stomach. My chest pinched, but not from anticipation.
It wasn’t her fault that she didn’t feel the same way. It was mine. For once in my life, being a coward had come in handy, as I’d avoided saying something I’d never be able to take back.
This “extra” friendship had to end, because I couldn’t trust myself not to slip one day. We’d be together tonight, and then that would be it.
It had to be, because I couldn’t kiss Sabrina again knowing how it wouldn’t mean anything to her.
Because it would mean everything to me.
“No attachments, no regrets,” I repeated, wishing like hell that were true.
The valet pulled Sabrina’s car up to the front and held the door open for her to step in.
I caught him giving her a once-over and couldn’t help glaring back when he met my gaze.
I didn’t blame him, and Sabrina and I weren’t anything to each other but old friends, but I still felt unwarranted satisfaction when he backed away and mumbled good night.
It brought back memories of when I’d catch a guy looking at Sabrina when we were out together. I couldn’t claim her with my words, but I’d make it more than clear to whatever jerk needed to back off because, for that moment, she was with me.
I laughed to myself. After fighting so hard to keep a lifelong secret, I was still awful at it.
“This is a nice ride,” I told her as I buckled my seat belt.
“Yes,” she agreed, nodding as we pulled away from the catering hall. “After my divorce, I didn’t want to buy a condo or another house, so I moved into a small apartment and treated myself to a new car. The single life isn’t so bad when you have heated leather seats,” she said with a sad chuckle.
“I’ll have to look into that,” I mused as I gazed out the window, trying to make sense of the concoction of feelings swirling in my gut enough to give me indigestion.
Maybe Jesse wasn’t the only one finally facing the ghosts of his past tonight. Although, at least he could claim his.
All Sabrina had been was a dream. But I guessed it was a night for memories and childhood realities that never made it to adulthood.
That was what I’d tell myself tomorrow if my walk down memory lane only made me feel worse about the present.