Chapter 17
Seventeen
T he drive back remained almost silent. Music from the stereo filled the space between them. Steph was unsure what to say, if there was anything to say. Every time she thought of something it seemed lame or inadequate and while she understood Jon’s position, she was still struggling to reconcile all that she now knew. He had been expecting a baby and had married the child’s mother and remained married to her when she was as far removed from the role of a wife as anyone could be. She kept coming back to the image of Jon, a single tear rolling down his face when he’d told her about the baby dying. She wanted to make him feel better and yet she was still annoyed with him. He could have told her straight away about Penny, although, now that she thought about it there had been no reference to Penny or a wife when she had looked online and definitely no mention of a baby.
“I need to go into the office this afternoon,” Jon said.
“I’ll need to get changed,” Steph replied.
“You don’t have to work today, darling. I will drop you home and we could meet up later. You could take it easy and if you insist, you can come into the office tomorrow.”
“I’ll come in once I’m changed.”
“No. I’m not being a dick here, but as your line manager I have to say I don’t think you’re fit for work today. But later . . .”
“I don’t think I can do later. Sorry. I just need time to process everything and I should go and see my dad.”
“What about dinner,” Jon almost pleaded.
“Tomorrow. I’ll come into work. Maybe we could have a cup of tea together,” Steph suggested.
“Are you trying to give me the brush off? To dump me?” Jon asked with a flatness to his voice that didn’t quite sound authentic.
“I don’t know. I love you and I understand your tie to Penny, but it’s a lot to take in.”
Jon nodded but said no more until he pulled his car into the space next to Steph’s. “If you need to ask anything call me, any time, day or night.”
“Okay,” was all Steph could muster in response as she prepared to leave the car.
“Steph,” Jon called, causing her to pause and turn back to face him. “Your key,” he said, extending a flat hand that held his key to her home.
Slowly, she reached forward, curling his hand closed as she leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. “Maybe keep it, for now.”
“I knew there was something dodgy about him. Too good to be true,” Jason accused.
Steph rolled her eyes in her father’s direction at her brother’s outrage at discovering Jon’s marital status.
“I hope you’ve shown him the door . . . you’re not some skanky slapper who shags married men,” he shouted angrily just as Janice entered the lounge carrying tea for everyone.
An awkward silence fell around them until Steph addressed the other woman who looked mortified at having entered at that exact second. “I owe you an apology, Janice,” she began as confused faces around her intensified. “What you did, you and dad was wrong. No matter what Mum said, it was wrong, how you conducted it. However, I should apologise for having judged you in recent years and for the things I said at the hospital. I knew Jon was married when I entered a relationship with him. I was confused as to who his wife was, but I knew there was a wife which means I have no right to judge you. Jon’s wife is ill . . .”
“Ill? Ill like Mum was?” Jason asked, retaking his seat next to his sister.
Steph explained the circumstances of Jon’s marriage and Penny’s current predicament and waited for a response from someone, anyone.
“Poor Jon,” her dad finally said.
Janice looked as though she was going to cry before saying, “Sorry Steph, and you Jason. I acted selfishly in beginning a relationship with your father. I knew we had your mother’s blessing but that shouldn’t have been enough. We should have waited and neither of you should have been witness to anything we did. And the day your mother died, I’m sorry for that, too. Your grief overwhelmed me and forced me to face my own guilt, but I am sorry.”
Steph accepted the apology that she didn’t doubt was sincere and although she didn’t feel able to say ‘it was okay’ she was ready to move on.
“Do you promise Jon didn’t do this to your face?” Jason asked, clearly riled and agitated.
“I swear it wasn’t him. He wouldn’t. I told you I found some stables while I was away and fell off a rather large chestnut mare,” she told her brother thinking he didn’t need to know anything about her altercation with Simon.
“Drink your tea,” her father said, hoping to move on to a more relaxed topic of conversation.
Ready for an early start at work, Steph dressed rather sombrely in a black trouser suit, grey blouse and black heeled boots. It seemed to match her mood that was partly due to a sleepless night that had seen thoughts of the last few weeks running through her head. The image of the single tear rolling down Jon’s cheek haunted Steph. Her heart lurched and tears threatened every time she thought of his face, etched with grief at the memory of losing his son. Briefly, Steph wondered if the baby had been his. Did it matter? She reasoned that it didn’t because in Jon’s mind and heart that baby had been his and that is why it had hurt him so much.
Entering the building, Steph dropped Jon a quick message.
Am at work. We could meet in my office if you want. Steph x
I look forward to it. Give me an hour or so. It’s good to have you back. Jon x
Rosie greeted her warmly as she entered the office and insisted on getting her something to drink.
Sitting behind her desk Steph looked around at the identical floral arrangements around her as Rosie appeared with her coffee and biscuits.
“You’ve lost weight,” her assistant told her with concern as Steph frowned at the biscuits.
“Maybe. What’s with the flowers?” Steph already knew the answer.
“Mr Brooker, in case you came in,” explained Rosie with a blush. “The cards are on them all still.”
Steph got up and collected the cards that when she opened them revealed the same message.
Steph,
I am so, so sorry.
Forgive me. I love you.
Jon x
Steph was unsure why the simplicity of the message and sentiment affected her so deeply. Where were the witty comments, the references between the flowers and the message and why hadn’t he mentioned them the day before? They were all identical, simple arrangements of white flowers, mainly lilies and a small amount of green foliage.
“Why so many?” asked Steph curiously.
“One each day, even last Saturday and Sunday,” explained Rosie before adding, “Steph, he’s in a mess, nobody can get anywhere near him, except Andrea and even she gets shouted at no matter what she says or does. He is lost without you.”
“Rosie, please, I know, I saw him yesterday. Let’s get on with some work, shall we?”
Rosie shrugged with a sympathetic smile as she left Steph alone to consider her words because she could see that they were both in agony, in pieces and only the other could make them whole again and she did want to be one with him.
She got to her feet and could hear her assistant’s voice but couldn’t quite make out the words until she reached the door where she could clearly hear the voices of Rosie and Jon. With a deep breath of anticipation at what the day was going to bring, Steph opened the door and found Jon facing her and Rosie close behind him.
“Steph, I . . .” started Rosie nervously.
“It’s fine,” Steph told her. “Can you just take messages if anyone calls and can you pull the Richards file please. Oh, and there is a card on your desk for a SuLyn Wright, can you call her and make an appointment for her to come and see me, best make it a full morning or afternoon, whenever is convenient for us both.” Steph was hoping to maintain her professional persona and avoid crying again if only to prevent her face getting any redder and tear stained further, especially in front of Jon in case he interpreted her tears for him as being pitiful, although she wasn’t sure what they were for.
Jon was carrying another arrangement of white flowers, just like the others that filled her office.
“More flowers,” she whispered as she fought the urge to reach up and stroke away the frown and worry lines that now occupied his face that was studying hers.
“Mmm,” was his only response before Steph stepped aside.
She followed him silently, unsure who should speak first and even less sure about what needed to be said.
“Is it cheaper to bring those up yourself?” She regretted it immediately as his face revealed the confusion that her seemingly flippant comment had caused him.
His eyes searched her expression, but still he said nothing, he just placed the floral arrangement down, but on her desk this time.
“I was joking about the flowers being cheaper,” she said feeling obliged to say something to an expressionless Jon.
“I know, darling. Look, Steph, I know yesterday was a lot to take in and I have no clue what we do now, what you want to do.”
“What do you want to do?” She wondered why the truth of the previous day and the ease they’d so freely fallen back into in the playground was missing today.
“You know what I want, you. I want to make a future with you. I love you but I can’t abandon Penny, not now, not when I created the situation she’s in . . .”
Jon’s voice trailed off and Steph knew the reason for it wasn’t because he didn’t have the words. He was ashamed, he felt guilty for everything that had happened to Penny and his child.
“You can’t blame yourself for what happened,” she stated more than asked.
“Why? If I had kept a closer eye on her, not started a row, if I’d followed her. Fuck! Maybe if I hadn’t insisted she married me she wouldn’t have been out on that fucking bike and she and the baby would be happy and healthy.”
“No!” Steph insisted. “You don’t get to blame yourself for this.”
Jon stared at her with disbelief that she was not only trying to persuade him that he wasn’t responsible but that she truly believed he wasn’t.
“But,” was as much of an objection that he was able to offer before Steph continued speaking.
“No, no, no. If you’d kept a closer eye you would have suffocated her and she would have run, I don’t know where to or when but she would and maybe she’d have walked under a bus or just run with the baby never to come back. If you hadn’t started a row? Did you start the row or did she? I am going to suggest that when you questioned her drug use she came out fighting, you said as much. If you’d ignored it and not confronted her you might have come home and found her dead from an overdose, her and the baby, who knows? Nobody does. As for marrying her. You did what you thought was right, for your child that might not have been yours.”
Jon stared wildly at the final point causing Steph to take a couple of deep breaths.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean he wasn’t, but I am just saying that one night together, the odds must be slim.”
“We used a condom,” Jon admitted. “I can’t say it was faulty, but it happens.”
“Oh, Jon,” Steph sighed, moving until she was straddling his lap and pulling his head to her chest so she could hug and comfort him.
“He felt like mine. I was going to love him like he was mine.” The break in Jon’s voice almost broke Steph’s heart.
“I know. Look, I can’t say I understand or know how you feel, but you have more than paid for everything. I don’t mean money, but emotionally. You married a girl who said she was having your baby. You both lost that baby and you have taken care of her, made sure Penny has received the best care possible and I know you’ll continue to do so, but you are entitled to a life of your own.”
“I know,” he agreed. “I realise that, you made me realise that,” he told her, his head raised so that he could study her face. “Tell me we have a future, darling,” he pleaded, the break in his voice returning.
“I want us to,” she admitted. “It might not be easy, but I want that more than anything.”
His eyes traced a longing glance across her face, from her eyes to her mouth and then back again until he settled on her bruised cheek. “That bastard needs to get his. Did you report it to the police?”
Steph shook her head. “I want to forget him and focus on you, on us.”
“I can’t force you,” he replied as one hand skated across her face until his fingers were skimming through her hair. “You’ve been crying,” he stated, not that her red, blotchy appearance could be missed.
“I couldn’t sleep. I was sad, for Penny, and me, and mainly you.” Tears filled her eyes again.
“No more, darling. No more tears, unless they’re happy ones,” he said, using the hand in her hair to pull her face closer, guiding her lips to his.
She could feel his breath on her lips, like butterflies dancing on a blade of grass.
“Jon,” she moaned, desperate for more contact when they were interrupted by the buzz of an intercom.
“Yes, Rosie?” asked a breathless and flustered Steph.
“Sorry, Andrea called down to remind Mr Brooker that he was due in the conference room this morning with Miss Marley.”
Steph looked across at Jon and saw him frown before acknowledging Rosie, “Okay, thank you.”
Steph continued watching his conflicted face before her and for no reason she could fathom beside the fact that she loved him, she smiled a half smile. “I love you.”
He smiled. A real smile that said he was happy and settled now. “Well that’s a relief as I think we were about to make a return visit to the carpet or the desk.”
He grinned now, a cocky, self-assured grin that Steph was relieved to see.
“We still need to sort out what we do next, how this will work.”
Jon nodded. “Yes we do, but maybe not here. Come with me to my meeting, you should be there anyway and I would have invited you under normal circumstances.”
She nodded her agreement feeling a sense of contentment washing over her as a degree of normality fell between them.
They walked side by side, but not touching, no hand holding, Jon even resisted the temptation to cup her arm and guide her or to put a flat palm against the small of her back. They were simply two people attending the same meeting. They were still standing when there was a knock on the door and they both turned to find a woman of around thirty standing at almost six feet with the pout and a bone structure that any super model would be proud of.
Jon waved her in and greeted her warmly before introducing the pretty, no, gorgeous brunette to Steph. She flicked her shoulder length hair back as she accepted Steph’s hand, but viewed her suspiciously, but who wouldn’t thought Steph as she remembered her own appearance.
“Seasonal allergies?” asked Sophie of a confused Steph, a short laugh signalling her own amusement. “Hay fever, allergies, runny eyes, swollen face, red eyes? Either that or a man,” she laughed loudly until she saw the expression on Steph’s face when she stopped immediately and looked embarrassed for herself and Steph.
“Shall we?” interrupted Jon gesturing towards the table as he sat down himself.
Both women nodded and Steph felt a pang of jealousy course through her as Sophie sat next to him. Steph sat opposite, immediately regretting it as she felt the weight of his gaze on her.
“Right then, Sophie, now that you have met Steph could you as a newly appointed new business manager bring us up to speed on what new business is on the horizon for you,” he said and turned to smile at Sophie.
“It’s much the same as per the email I sent you last week,” she replied a little curtly thought Steph.
“Did you email the details to Steph, too?” asked Jon.
“No, although she was AWOL wasn’t she?” Sophie’s response was definitely curt now.
Jon stared at her and calmly said, “Then if you could talk Steph through the details and email her too please, oh, and she was on leave not AWOL,” he corrected.
“No disrespect to you,” she said and waved dismissively towards Steph, “But I don’t understand why I am duplicating work to an accountant.”
Steph stared across at the other woman, unsure if she was being goaded or simply disrespected, either way, she was unsure what to say. Jon had no such qualms.
“Then let me explain. Miss Pryor is indeed an accountant, but she is also Head of Financial Services, meaning that she needs a handle on anything with a financial factor, in fact you should make her your priority to receive these things ahead of me.”
“And as I am your line manager’s line manager, I would lose the dismissive hand waving and surly tone,” said Steph, her fatigue and impatience at this situation somehow helping her to find her voice.
Jon looked across at her and smiled.
“I didn’t mean anything,” stammered Sophie less confident now.
“Then I would suggest that if you don’t mean it, you don’t say it. So email me the details and if it’s okay with you, Mr Brooker I would like to schedule a meeting with Miss Marley to go through her new deals once I have had the chance to read through the email details,” said Steph.
“That sounds reasonable,” agreed Jon. “Steph, maybe you could talk Miss Marley through your role and what you expect from her, so there will be no further confusion or wasted time.”
Steph did precisely that, in the finest of details while Jon watched on.
“So,” said Jon, grinning across at Steph now. “What have you got that we’re due to close on Sophie?”
“There’s the Richards deal, but I believe you and Miss Pryor are still dealing with that one direct,” replied Sophie.
“Yes.” Steph expanded her next steps for Jon, “I have asked Rosie to dig the file out for me and I will take a closer look at it and feedback to you before we meet with Isaac Robertson.”
“Good. Soph, what else?”
Steph physically bristled at Jon’s use of Sophie’s abbreviated name.
“We are due to close on the deal for the stationary retailers, Montague, but they are still negotiating the finer details, but I expect to close on schedule once we’ve tweaked the details.” She smiled.
“Steph, are you happy with that?” Jon seemingly sensed that she wouldn’t be.
“That depends, if Montague are a retail business I assume Sonia Hansen is also up to speed with the tweaking and negotiating of the finer details?” Steph stared at Sophie.
“It seemed unnecessary as the deal is in the bag.”
“Soph, you should speak to Sonia,” said Jon abbreviating her name again and in turn annoying Steph once more.
“I hate to contradict you, Sophie.” Steph emphasised her full name. “But if you are tweaking and negotiating, you do not have the deal in the bag, so assuming this is one of the deals you are emailing me I would ask that you don’t close until I have had chance to give the figures the once over unless the tweaking and negotiating don’t relate to Brooker money, especially as you are so new to your role and the company.”
Jon sat back in his chair and watched the exchange carefully.
Sophie huffed and sighed loudly as she admitted, “They do want more money and a few more shares, but there is some flexibility in the deal for us to negotiate.”
“Of course there is, but we don’t want to use that flexibility unless we have to, do we?” asked Steph not expecting an answer.
“I for one don’t,” exclaimed Jon. “So ladies, you two are going to meet when?”
Steph pulled her diary out. “I can do this afternoon.”
Sophie flicked through the pages of her own diary. “Technically I can too, but . . .”
“But?” asked Jon.
“I may need time to prepare everything,” she admitted nervously.
“Don’t worry about it being all pretty and well presented for me,” said Steph. “Email me the same email you sent to Mr Brooker and bring the offer with you. We can go through it together and see what we can come up with.” With her professional persona back in place and the focus being on business, Steph was more tolerant of the other woman.
“Half past one?” asked Sophie.
“Yeah,” said Steph and pencilled it in her diary.
“Thanks, Sophie.”
Steph relaxed further that he hadn’t called her Soph again, but then he touched her arm and walked her to the door as Steph looked on.
He returned to the table. “You were scary.”
“Good, she needed to be scared. Fucking seasonal allergies? It is quite obvious that this face is one that has barely slept and cried in sleep’s place for over a week!” she snarled making Jon stare at her sadly and concerned.
“Steph, I am so sorry,” he said again before she held her arm up and stopped him.
“Not here and not now, and you need to stop apologising too,” she told him. “I have Rosie calling SuLyn to make an appointment for her to come in and see me so can I have the details of Brooker’s donations to her research?”
“Yeah, I’ll call Lucy when I get back to my office,” he replied and then looked uncomfortable at the mention of Lucy’s name and what she had represented between them. “How’s your dad?” asked Jon trying to change the subject.
“Okay, thanks. Smug that he knew there was something less than kosher about you,” she replied. “He’s relieved to be home and out of the hospital,” she added, then remembered her last visit there when she had tried to gate crash the ward after leaving Jon, something she assumed he was unaware of.
“Maybe we could meet later and have dinner,” Jon suggested.
“Sounds good.”
“I’d like to pop into your office later, to see how you are. I know we can’t just forget everything, but if we’re going to move past it I’d like to get a degree of normality back,” he almost pleaded.
“I’ll be free from half past three, that should give me enough time to sort out Sophie’s deal,” she said and got to her feet to gather her things and leave.
She had just got to the door when Jon said, “I know I am an idiot Steph, but I really do love you, darling.”
She turned to face him and offered him a nod and a smile. “And as I told you earlier I love you too. Oh, I emailed my leave request to you this morning,” she said and left him alone in the conference room.