Chapter Four #3
Jane bit back a smile and tried to relax in her seat.
The conversation between Billie and Charlene continued as they debated the merits of their positions.
She didn’t glance to her left, but she was aware of him sitting so close.
Except for asking if she were ready, he hadn’t said a word.
Not that any of this was his fault. It had all been a big mistake and she only had herself to blame.
The drive to church took about six minutes. As they pulled into the parking lot, Jane tensed and waited for the rush of memories to envelop her.
“Did you used to go to this church?” Billie asked.
“Yes, until I—” She cleared her throat.
“Moved away,” Adam offered helpfully. She knew she was the only one to hear the sarcasm in his voice. She didn’t dare look at him.
“That’s right,” she said softly. “Until I moved away.”
A large crowd mingled on the edge of the lawn. One woman glanced at Adam’s car as he parked it. She did a double take and nudged her neighbor. Jane couldn’t hear what was being said but she watched as the news rippled through the group. The prodigal daughter had returned.
Oh, no! She’d never given a moment’s thought to what it would look like if she arrived at church with Adam and Charlene. And Billie. What would people think? Say? She was doing it again! Acting without thinking and leaving Adam to deal with the consequences.
Darting a quick glance to her left, she waited for him to comment on the interest they’d generated.
Instead he opened the car door and stepped out.
She fumbled with the handle, anxious to exit before he made his way around to help her.
Nervous fingers slipped. He reached her door.
When it opened, he held out his hand. Politeness demanded that she accept the gracious gesture.
Her fingers brushed his palm. Sparks flew in all directions, landing on her skin and midsection, creating a warmth that threatened to make her tremble.
His touch had always affected her. The flash of familiar electricity comforted as it excited. Was there still something between them?
She slowly raised her gaze, past the dark suit jacket, past the white shirt and faintly patterned blue tie. Past the squared jaw and straight lips to his eyes. The anger there, deadly and barely controlled, made her drop her hand and turn away.
While she struggled with her composure, several people came over and said hello.
Some of the faces looked familiar, some did not.
But they all stared. A few of the people she knew glanced from her to Adam, then back.
The speculative look in their eyes made her blush.
The rumors would sprout faster than kudzu.
This had all the earmarks of turning out to be a crummy day.
Billie bounced beside her. “Oh, look. There’s Matt. I met him at the pool. He’s a catcher. I’m going to go say hi.” She darted off without waiting for permission.
“Charm school,” Charlene murmured quietly, before she, too, walked away to greet some friends. Adam also disappeared into the crowd to speak with someone.
Alone, Jane moved toward the front steps of the church.
The old-fashioned white building had been recently painted.
Green grass stretched out on either side of the path leading from the parking lot to the stairs.
Lofty chestnut trees provided shade. They’d grown taller in her absence, she thought, glancing up at them.
And the dogwoods had grown wider. Small changes really, not enough to keep her from remembering.
As she climbed the steps, she reminded herself it was all in the past. But it wasn’t.
As she stepped through the open double doors, time shifted.
It bent until that day and this one touched, and she once again stood in the back of the church, her long, white wedding gown dragging at her with each step.
The church had been full, the townspeople eager to see Adam Barrington wed his bride.
White roses, always her favorite, filled every urn.
Wide ribbons curved along the center aisle, holding small white bouquets at the end of each pew.
Even now, the scent of roses swept over her.
Someone jostled her gently and she stepped into a corner of the foyer.
The shadows blurred, the sounds faded, until all she could hear was her mother telling her it was too late to change her mind.
“You can’t back out now,” her mother had said, an edge of hysteria in her voice. “The wedding, the reception. It’s all planned. What will your father say?”
A familiar theme growing up, Jane recalled.
Her father had been the undisputed master of his castle.
Her mother the eager subject. It was her mother’s willingness to be what her husband demanded that had first given Jane a glimpse of what life with Adam might be like.
Adam also made politely worded requests.
As she stared at the people waiting to watch her marry, she had wondered if he loved her.
Confusion, as real today as it had been nine years ago, filled her.
Was she the most convenient bride? Young and easily influenced?
Did he want her or had she simply fulfilled his list?
They were so different. Six years had loomed large between them. He’d been a man.
More than anything, that had frightened her.
In those moments when her blood had run cold and her heart had thundered in her throat, she had seen that she wasn’t enough.
She might love him with all of her being, but she wasn’t ready to marry him.
It had been her first mature realization.
Unfortunately, she had acted like a child.
Even as her mother had begged her to reconsider, Jane pulled off the wedding gown and veil. She’d slipped on her jeans and shirt.
“What are you going to tell him?” her mother had asked.
“Nothing.”
With that, she had run. Pausing only to peek into the church one more time, stopping long enough to catch Adam’s eye and see him smile at her, warmly, trustingly, as any man would smile at the unexpected glimpse of his bride.
He hadn’t seen she wasn’t wearing her gown.
In that moment, she’d stopped to question her actions.
Had his expression contained affection? Even love?
No, she’d thought as the tears had begun. Not love. Convenience. Suitability. She would never inspire the same kind of soul-stealing emotion that he created in her. Better to find that out now, rather than later. She’d escaped out a side door and had never looked back.
One cowardly, selfish act. Her life had never been the same.
She’d lived with that mistake from that moment until this.
Adam had been right, Jane thought, pushing away the past and looking around at the church.
She hadn’t allowed herself to think about the consequences of her actions.
Oh, she’d acknowledged that he might be hurt or a little embarrassed, but she’d never considered in detail what he must have gone through.
Her Adam, so strong and proud, handsome.
She remembered how her heart had fluttered whenever he’d smiled at her from across a room.
She’d publicly humiliated him, had rejected him in the worst way possible.
He’d worked hard for all he’d achieved. To think that she might have destroyed that. She shuddered.
She had hoped that by getting him to admit his anger now, she might lessen her own guilt. Another selfish act. She had forced Adam to relive those horrible days. And now, they both felt worse. As she’d said earlier. Stupid.
A soft hand touched her arm. Jane blinked, then tried to smile at Charlene.
“Are you all right?” the older woman asked. In the church the shadows muted the bright color of her hair, but the other woman was still a robin in a flock of sparrows.
“Fine.”
Those wise eyes studied her. “There’s no way to escape the past, my dear. You must make peace with it.”
“Am I that obvious?”
“Only because I care about you.”
“I’m just beginning to understand all the trouble I’ve caused,” she said, averting her face from the probing glances of curious neighbors. “It’s not flattering.”
“You were young, child. You made the best decision you could at the time.”
“Everyone paid a high price for that.”
“Including yourself.”
“I don’t care about me. It’s Billie that I’m worried about.”
“And Adam?”
“Yes,” she admitted.
It was as if Charlene’s words conjured him out of the morning. He and Billie walked in together, the child’s small hand held securely in his. They were speaking about something. Both their heads tilted toward each other.
The best decision possible at the time, Charlene had said. That wasn’t true. All she’d accomplished by running was to keep father and daughter apart.
Adam said something and they both laughed. Their smiles were mirror images. How long before everyone guessed the truth? He glanced up at her, then turned away. Inside, a cold lump formed and pressed against her heart.
She’d been hiding, she realized in that moment of rejection.
Hiding from the truth. The list of reasons she’d used for coming home—a good job, a small and friendly town in which to raise her daughter—had all been a smoke screen.
She hadn’t come home for a teaching position, or even for Billie.
She’d come home looking for forgiveness and a way to set the past right.