Chapter Thirteen #3
She hesitated for a second, then flung herself at him. She spoke so softly that he couldn’t hear the word at first. Then it sunk in.
“Dad.”
She’d called him Dad. The coat of armor he’d been building ever since Jane had barreled back into his life cracked a little bit more.
He was losing ground fast here. First with Jane and now with Billie.
He couldn’t stop thinking about keeping the two women in his life.
But at what price? Billie had just shown him that her temper could easily explode.
What happened if she decided that she didn’t want him as her father anymore?
What if Jane refused to listen to his plans for the future?
How was he going to keep them from leaving?
He held Billie tighter, as if by hugging her close, he could hold the world at bay. He was losing a war and he didn’t even know who the enemy was.
He felt her ease back, then kiss his cheek. “I’m gonna go outside till dinner, okay?”
“Okay. I’ll go talk to your mom.”
She ran out the front door.
He rose to his feet and turned to go upstairs. When he reached the landing, he paused. He couldn’t lose them. Not now. What was he going to do?
A thought burst into his mind. He ignored it at first, then began to wonder if it wasn’t true. Perhaps the reason he was going to lose this war was that the enemy was himself.
* * *
Jane knocked on Charlene’s door. When the older woman called for her to come in, she stepped into the living room and laughed.
“I can’t believe you’re going to need this much luggage,” she said, looking at the suitcases open around the room. Clothes stood in piles on every available surface.
Charlene sighed. “I’m not a light traveler, dear. I always think of something else I just might need. So I pack it all.”
“I’ve come to say goodbye.”
Charlene raised one auburn eyebrow. “I assume you mean because I’m leaving in the morning.”
“Why else?”
Charlene didn’t answer. She folded the silk nightgown she was holding and laid it in the nearest suitcase.
“Oh.” Jane grimaced. “As opposed to my leaving because everything here has gotten so awful.”
“I was going to ask about that, but now I won’t.”
Jane cleared off a space on the floral-print sofa and dropped down.
Charlene handed her several camisoles. She began to fold them.
The older woman’s small house provided a haven for all of them, Jane thought.
Billie had stayed here. Who knows how many times Adam had run here, and now she was doing the same. It was better than being home.
She sighed as she recalled Adam’s stiff apology for making her cry.
He hadn’t said he was sorry for what he’d wanted to talk about, though.
She’d noticed that distinction. And then dinner had been strained and awkward with Billie talking to the two adults, but them not talking to each other.
When he’d offered to read to Billie and put the girl to bed, Jane had gratefully accepted and had fled to Charlene’s.
“There are problems with the adjustment,” Jane said. “It would have been foolish to assume otherwise. Still—”
“You were foolish?” Charlene smiled.
Jane shrugged. “Let’s just say things are about what I should have expected if I’d thought this thing through.”
“What exactly does that mean?”
“He’s still the same. He’s still trying to control people by controlling the circumstances.”
“In what way?”
“He wants to talk about changing Billie’s last name, putting her on his health coverage, adding to her college fund. That sort of thing.”
The older woman nodded. “I understand perfectly. I can’t believe he’d be so self-centered. I hope you put him in his place.” She took back the camisoles Jane had folded and packed them next to the nightgown.
“I told him—” Jane looked at her. “Wait a minute. That didn’t sound completely sympathetic.”
Charlene winked. “You always were a bright girl.”
“What are you trying to say?”
Charlene shrugged and headed for the bedroom. “Nothing, really.”
“Sure,” Jane muttered under her breath.
“I heard that.”
Jane chuckled. “Okay, go ahead. Say what you’re thinking.”
Charlene returned with an assortment of lingerie. She shook out a long, pink, gauzy gown and smiled. “Are you sure you want to give me that much license?”
“Speak.”
“You say that Adam hasn’t changed, but maybe you’re the one living in the past. You’ve had over eight years to get used to being Billie’s mother.
Adam has had three days. Under the circumstances, I’d say he’s acting pretty decently.
” She sighed. “The Barrington men have always been strong. I remember when his mother was first dating—”
“Charlene! Could we please stay on the subject?”
“If you insist.” She picked up another negligee, this one black, with more lace than fabric.
“Have you considered the possibility that you’re overreacting to his very normal concerns about his child?
Wanting to make sure she has medical insurance and a decent college fund hardly seem like offenses that deserve your outrage. ”
“Maybe.” Jane leaned forward and rested her elbows on her knees. “I hadn’t thought about that. He came in with his list of things to change and I—”
“Reacted. Sit up straight, dear. That position does nothing for your posture.”
“I’m twenty-eight, Charlene. I can sit how I like.” But she leaned back, anyway.
The older woman smiled. “Very pretty. Now, about Adam.” She shoved aside a pile of caftans and settled on the arm of the couch. “If you could have seen him that day at the church, when we found out you’d left. He was very hurt. I remember thinking it would have been kinder if you’d shot him.”
Charlene spoke in a matter-of-fact tone. It took several seconds until her words sunk in. Jane blanched. Shot him? Was she kidding? But the older woman shrugged.
“He loved you, Jane. You abandoned him. Why are you surprised that he might feel that pain?”
“Did he love me?” She folded her arms across her chest. “Did he tell you that? Did he say those exact words? I’ve thought about it, you know. Tried to remember everything from the past. He never told me.”
“What?”
She looked up. “That he loved me. Not once. Not even when he proposed. ‘We’re well suited,’ he said to me that afternoon. Then he kissed me and promised he’d make me happy. He didn’t have to try hard. I worshiped him already. But he never said ‘I love you.’ Did he to you?”
“Don’t be silly, Jane. Of course he cared.” Charlene began to bustle around the room, picking up toiletries and tossing them into a smaller carryon bag.
“But did he say the words?”
“Not those exactly, no. But you mustn’t read too much into that.”
“That’s what you told me when I first came home. Maybe you’re wrong, Charlene. Maybe I was just a convenience. Maybe Adam can’t love, maybe he can only control people.”
“He didn’t have to say the words,” Charlene said sharply.
“I watched him suffer. He lost weight. He couldn’t sleep.
” She blinked several times. “He begged me to tell him why. When I couldn’t answer, he told me I was never to speak of you again.
And we never did. But I saw it in his eyes.
Perhaps he controls his world because without that barrier, it hurts him too much.
” She turned away. “That sounds like a man who loved very much. To me, at least. But then I’m an old woman. Feel free to ignore me.”
“Charlene, don’t.” Jane rose and walked over to her. She reached out to touch her arm, but Charlene shrugged her off.
“Besides, what about what he’s done for Dani and Ty? He raised those two on his own. He worked for them, gave up his dreams about learning banking somewhere else.”
Jane stared at her in surprise.
“Oh, you didn’t know about that, did you?
” Charlene asked. “Adam hadn’t always planned to come straight back to Orchard.
Before his parents died he’d been considering doing an internship in one of the big cities.
Maybe working there for a few years and returning to Orchard when he was older.
” She leaned close to Jane and pointed her finger.
“What about the dreams Adam has had to give up? Who cares about that? Who’s taken the time to find out what he’s suffered? You? Did you bother?”
“I—” Shame flooded her. “No. I didn’t find out. I never thought to ask.”
“I love you, Jane. You’re family now. But don’t ask me to choose sides.
I can’t take a stand against you, but I won’t take one against Adam, either.
If you don’t like how he’s handling the situation, tell him.
But before you go complaining about the man he used to be, maybe you should take the time to learn about the man he’s become. ”