Chapter 32 #2
Vanilla and lavender consume me as soon as we step inside the cozy apartment.
She offers to take my coat, and I oblige.
Once she hangs our cloaks on the wooden pegs anchored in the wall, she motions me deeper into the space where a kitchen, dining room, and living room share one big rectangular space.
She points at the only other door. "That's our bedroom with a bathroom attached if you need it."
Our bedroom.
"So, you and Shaw live here?" I ask and she nods with a bright grin.
"It's really convenient, especially since we work so much." She grabs two mugs from one of the olive-green cabinets in the kitchen and fills them with boiling water from the kettle on the stove. "I asked Shaw to put the kettle on. I'm glad he remembered."
"How long have you and Shaw been…?" I'm not exactly sure what they are to one another, so I leave my question open-ended for her to answer.
She brings the mugs with tea bags floating inside to the circular table and I claim the chair across from her.
"Remus set me up to work with Shaw. He couldn't keep an eye on me all the time since he had a full plate being Don Rafael, so he asked Shaw to help me when I needed anything.
" She shrugs, lifting her cup to her lips and blows.
"Shaw and I spent a lot of time together and slowly I opened up to him about my past. He was there through my recovery, both physically and emotionally.
When I was sick, he took care of me. When I was frightened, he would hold me until my panic attacks passed.
He was my silent protector, always there when I needed him but wouldn't insert himself if I needed space.
Soon, our feelings grew from friendship to love, and we've been married for two years now. "
"You're married?" Part of me wishes I had been able to see her on her wedding day, but I can't help but be happy she found what she always wanted – a family.
She bobs her head and takes a long sip of her drink.
"It was a secret ceremony. Most people don't know.
Patrons will be more willing to flirt with a woman they believe is available than a married one, fearing her husband's wrath.
" She chuckles. "I dare say, Shaw is a very patient man.
He's had to endure me laughing at other men's jokes, or watch them rub my back, just to glean a morsel of information that may or may not be of value. "
"But he makes you happy?" I ask, not sure why I'm inquiring. "He makes you feel safe?"
"I've never been happier."
"Good, because if he doesn't treat you right, I'll make him disappear." I issue the threat as I take a sip of my tea, and she shakes her head.
"Oh, Ines. The sweet scoundrel I grew up with wouldn't hurt a fly."
And just like that, the air is sucked out of the room, and I can't breathe.
She pictures me as the naive little street urchin with hopes and dreams fueled by good intentions.
She doesn't know me for the wretch I am.
Sure, she knows I'm a thief, but she doesn't know the blood of many men stains my hands.
Blood I do not regret spilling. I'm not who she thinks I am, not who she remembers, and that cleaves my heart in half.
As I try to suck in a proper breath, it's as if every motion is slowed, and I feel as if I'm sinking in the ocean.
I claw at my chest and force my lungs to work.
Realizing something is wrong, she rises from her chair and rushes over to me, kneeling before me. She slides her hands on either side of my face and softly instructs me to, "Breathe, Ines. Breathe with me."
She inhales a deep breath and slowly exhales it, and I attempt to follow suit. It's a struggle at first but after a few minutes of rhythmic breathing exercises, I calm down. I tap her hands to let her know she can release me, but she stays still until I say, "I'm fine. I promise."
"What happened?" She searches my eyes, looking for a shred of honesty probably knowing I'll attempt to brush off her concerns.
I'm not sure what to say. She remembers me being the little girl with hopes and dreams. Her best friend who wouldn't hurt anyone to get ahead.
Now I'm sitting across her table with bloody hands and a dirty soul.
The sins I've committed – I can't admit them to her.
She might throw me out, stiff arm me out of her life for not aligning with Ordo Vulpe values.
I can't lose her again. Not when I just got her back.
"Ines?" she whispers, drawing my hazy gaze. "What's wrong? Is it something I said?"
I open my mouth, unsure of what to say. I'm tired of lying, but the truth might rob me of what little normalcy I have.
The apartment door opens and Shaw, Cassius, and Olli stampede inside sparing me from confessing my sins. She hops up to greet them, though her eyes keep darting back to me, as if she's afraid I'll combust and disappear into a vapor.
Shaw beelines for her and wraps his arms around her, planting a gentle kiss to her forehead. "Mi amor," he whispers, and she grins, pushing up on her toes to kiss his lips.
"Do you want some tea?" she offers the newcomers, embracing her hostess status like a badge of honor.
Watching her glide around the kitchen, preparing tea and slicing up a loaf of homemade bread, fills me with nostalgia.
As kids we always talked about what we wanted if we could ever get out of the Brogratto.
I was adamant about living a life of luxury.
I wanted the finest clothing and the most expensive jewelry.
I wanted a house other wealthy socialites would envy, and I was determined not to take a husband, fearing him abandoning me like all others had in the past. But Carmen was the exact opposite.
She always craved a husband and a family of her own.
Four children, at least, is what she always said.
Finery wasn't important to her. Happiness and health were all that really mattered.
Seeing Shaw slip up behind her and wrap his arms around her, whispering inaudible sweet things in her ear, drawing a girlish giggle from her lips punches me square in the chest. She got it.
She got everything she wanted – minus the children, but by how they move together, I'm sure they'll have all four of those babies once the Soberano is dealt with.
Suddenly my dream of living lavishly and alone doesn't have the same appeal it did before. Carmen is surrounded by friends, cuddled by an attentive husband, and in the midst of fighting for their justice and freedom, she's joyful. Complete. Whole.
Without meaning to, Remus pops into my mind and I wonder what a future with him could look like if we made it to that point.
Would we dance around the kitchen together or curl up in bed without fearing the other might flee in the middle of the night?
Being a domestic was never appealing to me.
Not that there's anything wrong with it, I just knew it wasn't in the cards for me.
But maybe, just maybe, I don't have to live my entire life fearing abandonment.
Maybe I could have a partner by my side to have and hold until the day I breathe my last. Maybe that person could be Remus.
The door flies open and closes just as quickly.
When we all turn, we see Remus rip his hood off before sliding his cloak off.
Greetings ring out as he saunters to join the rest of us at the table.
He hasn't met my gaze yet and suddenly it has me worried.
We haven't seen or spoken to one another since the night I killed Montenegro.
Not typically an overthinker, I can't help but wonder if he has changed his mind about me.
As if he can sense my trepidation, he raises his head to meet my gaze and offers me a small smile.
Nothing grandiose or flirtatious, but enough to ease my nerves.
Part of me is worried he won't keep my secret from the group, and they'll ultimately oust me for my wicked deeds.
But if that was the case, he wouldn't have asked Carmen to bring me tonight.
He would have stiff-armed me out of his life, but he didn't. One day, I'll have to truly learn to trust again. Maybe today could be that day.
Why the hell do I care so much? This is why I keep to myself. I never questioned my actions before, now all I do is wonder when they'll wake up and realize I'm not deserving to be called one of them.
"Let's get down to business," Remus calls everyone to order once they've had their fill of tea and bread. He runs his fingers through his dark locks and sighs. "I'm afraid we don't have much time."