THIRTY-FOUR
UNPACKED
Oliver
I had stayed awake for most of the night, just holding Alex in bed next to me.
Before that, I had done the same with Noah.
Held my son. Felt his heartbeat next to mine.
Felt his breath on my skin. Made sure he knew he was safe and made sure I knew it too.
He’d fallen asleep knowing he was safe. Knowing he’d been a hero.
Alex had told him that. Told him he’d saved her and how brave he’d been.
When I lay with Alex, I held her for much the same reasons.
I needed that physical contact just to reassure me that she was there.
She was okay. I had gone over last night more times than I could count.
If only I had done this instead of that.
Been five minutes sooner. Five minutes later.
All the permutations. I knew it didn’t matter, that it didn’t change anything, but some habits were hard to break and others, well, they were a way of processing events.
Every time I closed my eyes, something from yesterday came back to me.
Grainger. Noah. Henderson. Alex.
All the things I hadn’t been able to control. And maybe that was the point.
For most of my life, I’d believed there was always something I could do. Something I could fix if I tried hard enough. Planned well enough. Stayed one step ahead.
Maybe that was what the ten-year-old boy standing in the hallway had needed to believe when he’d begged his dad not to leave. Told his dad he could fix it. Except his dad couldn’t. And neither could I.
It had taken my nearly thirty years to work that one out. That some things weren’t mine to fix.
Alex wasn’t mine to fix. She was mine to love, if she’d let me. To stand beside. To trust.
I looked down at her, sleeping in my arms and gently tightened my hold. Maybe, for once, I didn’t need to know what happened next.
I heard Dom downstairs, and I slipped out of bed, leaving Alex fast asleep. She was exhausted after everything. I knew when she woke up, she would be churning it all over, too.
I went into the kitchen where Dom was just letting Buddy back in from the garden. Buddy had been found last night, shut in the shed. We had to assume Henderson had done that, somehow luring the dog away from the house and keeping him out of the way.
‘How’s Alex? Dom asked, flicking on the kettle.
‘Sleeping. So is Noah.’
‘He was impressed with the fire engine last night.’ Dom spooned coffee into two cups while the kettle boiled.
I glanced outside to the back porch. Paddy had insisted on cleaning the deck last night. I hadn’t argued with him. I knew it was important to him.
The fire brigade had put the fire out efficiently. The lodge was just a burnt-out pile of wood now. It couldn’t be saved. Not that I cared.
Alex had declined to go to the hospital but had agreed to let the medic check her over and he had said he was happy for her to stay on the estate. Mackenzie had stayed while the rear porch was an active crime scene, keeping us up to date with what was happening.
When the time came to take Grainger’s body to the mortuary, myself, Dom, Paddy and the other lads had lined the path, giving Grainger the guard of honour he deserved. Alex and come and silently stood beside me to pay her respects.
Afterwards she had cried. A lot.
‘I only knew him for a short time,’ she’d said, as we sat in the study, away from everyone. ‘He was a grumpy old veteran, but underneath that, he was a decent man, who I cared about. And I know he cared about me, in the way only he could.’
‘That was the thing about Grainger,’ I’d said, closing my eyes momentarily to keep a check on my own emotions. ‘He got under your skin. In both a good and a bad way. He was a good man. Old school. Not to mention a bloody good Marine in his day.’
‘I can’t help feeling guilty. He was protecting me and Noah.’
‘Don’t. You don’t need to own that. That’s on me. I put him there,’ I’d said, even though I knew Grainger would have done it again despite the outcome.
She had looked up at me. ‘That doesn’t mean you have to carry it.’ She’d reached for my hand. ‘None of this is on any of us. It’s on Henderson.’
I’d kissed the top of her head. She was right, of course. We both were.
‘God, I’m going to miss the miserable old sod.’
Alex had leaned in. ‘Me too.’
‘Coffee.’ Dom pushed the cup towards me, pulling me back to the present.
We took our drinks into the study, just as the gate alarm sounded on my phone. It was Mackenzie. He’d left around midnight and I was surprised he was back again so early. I buzzed him in, and a minute later, he was standing in the study with us.
‘Thought you should know that Samuel Henderson died in the night,’ he said. ‘Complications from smoke inhalation.’
I raised my eyebrows. I hadn’t been expecting that.
I didn’t say anything. I waited. Trying to work out how I felt about that.
Not happy. Not even mildly relieved. I was more worried about how Alex would take the news.
She’d gone back in to save him. To save his life again. And she hadn’t managed to this time.
I thought about the last time I’d seen Henderson.
He had looked up at me when I had reached Alex, and I’d seen the defeat in his eyes.
The realisation that, despite everything, he hadn’t won, and I couldn’t pretend that hadn’t been a sweet moment of victory, albeit bittersweet.
He had still got to Alex, and I hadn’t been there to stop him.
That was something I had to get my head around.
Get over it and move on. I wasn’t exactly sure how I was going to work it out, but I knew hanging onto that feeling of helplessness was not the way forward.
‘He was in there longer than Alex,’ said Dom, once again cutting into my thoughts.
‘Aye. A couple of minutes can make all the difference,’ replied Mackenzie. ‘We will need to take a formal statement from everyone over the next couple of days. I’ll be liaising with you and the investigation team.’
‘Of course,’ I said. ‘We’ll let Alex know.’
Mackenzie nodded and then left.
A few minutes later, Alex came downstairs, wearing one of my jumpers and a pair of joggers. Her hair was dishevelled and she looked both vulnerable and strong at the same time.
‘I saw the police car leaving.’
I got to my feet and went over to her. ‘Henderson didn’t make it.’
She was quiet for a moment. Then she looked up at me. ‘I tried to save him because I couldn’t not,’ she said quietly.
‘I know.’
‘I’m not happy. But I’m glad it’s over.’ She rested her head against my chest.
‘So am I.’
Noah woke up not long after, where we had all migrated to the kitchen.
He knew about Grainger. It had felt right to tell him.
I’d let him know about Henderson later in the day.
I’d already mentioned it to Alex, that I’d take Noah for a walk and tell him.
He needed to know he was safe and Henderson wouldn’t hurt anybody again.
I made Alex a cup of coffee. Noah looked at the three of us and then Alex specifically.
‘Are you okay?’ he asked her.
‘I’m absolutely fine,’ she said. ‘Are you?’
He nodded, looking down at his hand. He opened his palm. ‘Grainger gave me this.’ It was the Globe and Laurel Royal Marines badge.
‘Is that from his beret?’ asked Alex.
‘Yeah. He said I could keep it.’
I squeezed Noah’s shoulder gently as an unexpected lump hit my throat. ‘Look after it.’
‘I will.’ Noah closed his fingers around the badge. ‘I’m hungry.’
And just like that, Alex was up and sorting out the ingredients to make pancakes.
I let her get on with it, and despite the splint on her arm, she was totally capable.
I knew she needed the distraction, and making food was one of her outlets.
I wondered how long it would be before she was back at Hope Street Church feeding half the homeless population and pretending it was no big deal.
Because it wasn’t. Alex had walked away from a lot of things in her life, but I knew she wouldn’t abandon Hope Street Church.
She didn’t walk away from people who needed her.
Even when sometimes, she probably should.
She might have run when it came to herself, but never when someone else needed her.
Noah sat at the island counter and recounted everything about the fire engine and how apparently a ladder on a fire truck could extend to the height of a very tall building, possibly the tallest in the world, but he wasn’t sure.
And that they could have used the water from the loch if they didn’t have enough on board.
He thought the loch water was colder and would have put the fire out quicker.
Dom caught my eye across the kitchen, and I had to look away.
Later, after we’d all eaten pancakes, Dom suggested Noah get dressed and they take Buddy out for a walk.
Alex had walked to the door with them and was standing on the step looking across the track where the staff lodges were. The smell of burnt wood drifted on the cold morning air.
‘You can’t go back there,’ I said. ‘All that petrol in your lodge. The whole place needs taking down.
‘I know.’ She didn’t turn around.
‘So don’t,’ I said, resting my hands on her shoulders. ‘I mean, stay here. With us.’ I closed my eyes and whispered into her hair. ‘I want you to stay, Lexi.’
She turned around. Her hand reached up and stroked the side of my face along my jawline. ‘Okay,’ she said simply.
I breathed a sigh of relief. ‘Everything is going to be all right. I promise you that.’
She smiled. ‘I know.’
We spent the rest of the day quietly on the estate. Alex had slept for most of the afternoon which I was pleased about. After everything she’d been through she must have been physically and mentally exhausted. I went up to her later to see if she wanted to come down for dinner.
As I reached the landing, I could see the bedroom door was open. I heard her before I saw her. The soft sound of the drawers opening and closing.
I stopped in the doorway as I realised what she was doing. She was taking her clothes from her holdall and placing them into the drawers.
She paused and looked at me.
I met her gaze before slowly walking over to her. She turned to face me. I took the t-shirt from her hand and dropped it into the drawer before kissing her. She didn’t need to say anything. Neither of us did. We didn’t need to.
‘Dad! Alex!’ Noah’s voice broke through the silence. ‘Come and look at this. I’ve built a den. Paddy helped me!’
I sighed and then smiled ruefully. ‘Perfect timing.’
Alex smiled back before moving away. ‘We’d better go and see the den.’ She was still smiling when she reached the door and looked back at me. ‘I guess we’ll have to get used to these kinds of interruptions.’