Chapter Thirteen
D ebs sat in her office chair, mindlessly swinging from side to side, clicking her pen in a repetitive fashion while her mind wandered. Her thoughts had been filled with Sienna since she had reluctantly left her at The Lighthouse on Saturday afternoon, her eyes still red-rimmed and tired, even though the tears had stopped. The urge to text and ring her had been overwhelming, the need to check she was alright, to offer her words of encouragement and comfort almost too strong to ignore. She had, of course, texted her, but she had to use all her willpower not to bombard her with messages, trying desperately hard to keep it to a level that seemed acceptable for a person who was just concerned for a friend’s welfare.
She wondered where it came from, this sense of inadequacy Sienna carried with her. She’d seen it in those first few encounters, the nervousness and uncertainty, but as they had grown closer, as she had spent more time with her, it had become more obvious, to Debs at least. She wondered if it had something to do with the small morsel of her history that she had shared, the fractious relationship she had with her mother. She wondered how deep that feeling of not being enough was buried, how much her mother had said to her growing up to make her feel as though she was unworthy. Debs’ anger bubbled inside her at the thought, an untethered rage that threatened to overspill. She failed to see how anyone couldn’t recognise Sienna’s compassion and intelligence, how anyone dare have the nerve to try and quash that spirit under hurtful words and harmful actions. How making such a momentous decision, such as changing the course of your life at such a young age, when she had put so much time and effort into obtaining it, could be seen as anything other than brave.
She wondered if her past experience with Mica’s parents had anything to do with it. Her distaste for families, especially parents, who failed to love and support their children over some ridiculous idea of who they should be over who they were was strongly rooted in Mica. She remembered the anger and pain her best friend had felt, the way they sat, disconnected and blank after another argument over the phone, another painful visit home when they were in university. Mica’s parents had never understood what it meant for Mica to be gay; they weren’t abusive or angry about it, didn’t call them names or threaten to disown them, just repeatedly refused to acknowledge it was a conversation they had ever had with their child. For Mica, it was such a defining part of who they were at eighteen that their parents’ refusal to accept it or even speak about it had destroyed something within them.
Debs wondered if they knew back then that there was something more. It had taken years before Mica had admitted to her that they were non-binary, a struggle they had, in her opinion, foolishly gone through on their own before saying a single word to her. But then, who could blame them? The last time they opened themself up to revealing such a huge part of their identity to someone they thought they could trust, it had been greeted with silence, resulting in an insurmountable barricade between them and their parents.
A rage she hadn’t felt in a long time simmered within her. Many people might have assumed that Debs, parentless for years at this point, even though the pain was still raw, would advocate for Mica to not lose contact with them. But Debs knew the loss of family intimately. She also knew that life was too short to have people in it who didn’t respect you. While she hated Mica’s parents for forcing the issue, she had nothing but respect for Mica for making the choice to cut them out of their life.
She wondered how much of a relationship Sienna still had with her parents. Whether the lingering self-doubt was something that had just taken root and failed to never be dispelled by anyone in her life since or whether they were still there, feeding into her insecurities constantly. She knew it took years for Mica to truly overcome the impact their parents’ dismissal had had on them; if Sienna was still being subjected to it, it could explain so much. Either way, the thought that Sienna was so unbelieving in her abilities and the kindness in her heart enraged Debs more than any of the other things she knew.
A knock at the door snapped her out of the spiral of thoughts in which she had found herself consumed, and she clenched her fingers around the pen in her hands, pushing down the anger she had let wash over her.
“Come in,” she called out, although she could sense the tension in her voice.
“Hi,” Sienna’s soft voice floated through the office, her head appearing round the door. “Your assistant said it was okay to come in?”
All the tension flooded from her body at the sight of Sienna, the frustration and annoyance dissipating almost immediately. She dropped the pen to the desk, standing and making her way to greet Sienna who was still hesitantly standing in the doorway.
“Hey, of course it is.”
“It felt a bit weird just knocking and coming in.”
“I told Janet you were coming and to just send you through when you arrived.”
“Oh. That kind of makes sense, then.”
Debs stopped in front of Sienna, strangely unsure of how to greet her. Usually, it would be a quick hug, a kiss on the cheek, an easy sign of affection which they had quickly fallen into the habit of. But today, she felt as though it could be too much. Almost as if she wasn’t sure if Sienna would be open to something that could be vulnerable for her.
Almost as if she could sense her hesitation, Sienna stepped forward, her own nerves evident in the slight shake in her voice. “What? No hug today?”
“Of course. Come here,” Debs said, practically sweeping Sienna into her arms. She felt Sienna relax into her embrace, sighing deeply, and she took it as her cue to push further.
“How are you feeling today?”
“Better, thanks.” Sienna pulled back, Debs reluctantly letting her and breaking the contact between them. Having Sienna in her arms had momentarily quelled the final wave of nervous energy that had been coursing through her since Saturday. “I’m sorry I had another meltdown on you.”
“No, you don’t have to apologise for that. And I really wish you’d stop thinking you did.”
“I’m trying. Really, really trying to listen to what you say and believe it, but sometimes, I don’t know, the voices inside my head just get too loud to ignore.” Sienna dipped her head, and her voice lowered so much that Debs barely heard her. “You’re one of the only people who really makes me believe that I can do these things. I hate when I can’t. You put so much effort into reassuring me, and I feel like I’m just failing you when I let it get to me.”
“Oh, sweetheart, no.” The term of endearment slipped past Debs’ lips without her even noticing. She was far too concerned about the fact that Sienna seemed to think there was some sort of reciprocation required for the reassurance she offered to her. “I don’t do it because I think I have to or because I expect anything from it. I say it because I believe it and wish you did too. There’s no effort involved from me because I’m just speaking the truth as I see it. It’s easy for me to tell you how wonderful you are because it’s so obvious to me.”
Sienna nodded, and Debs could once again see the tears threatening to break free and roll down her cheeks. Knowing that Sienna was already feeling vulnerable and almost a burden to her, she fought back her instinct to reassure her once again, instead pulling her back into her arms and holding her tight, hoping that the action would say everything for her.
“The same offer stands as Saturday. Tell me what you need, and we’ll do it.”
“I think I’m ready to just move on. Can we just go over what we’ve got planned already and then work out what we need to do next?”
“Absolutely. How about I ask Janet to order us some lunch while we work?” Sienna’s stomach grumbled at the mention of food, and Debs pulled back, squinting at her knowingly. “Have you eaten today?”
“I had a cereal bar this morning,” Sienna replied, looking guilty.
“Fine. A big lunch then.” Debs walked back to her desk, grabbing her laptop before making her way over to the sofa in the corner of the office. “Your choice.”
“Honestly, I can’t even think of what I want today.”
“Hence the cereal bar for breakfast?” Debs asked, dropping down onto the sofa and patting the seat next to her in an invite for Sienna to join her.
“Yeah.”
“Okay, so carbs then? I always need carbs when I’m in one of these moods.”
“Carbs sound amazing,” Sienna sighed, flopping down beside Debs, rolling her head to face her. Debs smiled at her, once again noting the exhaustion in her face, the dark circles under her usually bright eyes. She wondered how much sleep Sienna had actually gotten over the past two nights, whether she had been tossing and turning, worrying herself sick with everything in her mind, and once again, the desire to rid her of all of it, protect her from the harsh words which her own mind threw against her reared its head.
“Thank you,” Sienna whispered into the silence that had fallen, and Debs’ felt the two words reach into her heart and take root.
“Any time.”