Chapter Thirty-One
S ienna stood still, staring at the mugs on the counter, coffee remaining unmade. She wasn’t sure how long it had been since Penny had left, how long she had been standing there staring, unable to move or do anything. She was stuck in a battle of her own mind, and neither of the voices screaming at her was offering any form of encouragement.
From one direction came the until recently muted voice of self-doubt, the one which told her every time she made a decision that it was the wrong one and she couldn’t do whatever it was she had set out to achieve. It had been quieter of late, dampened to near extinction by Debs’ constant wave of reassurance and love, the pride she so freely expressed towards Sienna.
And with that came the shame that she had let herself think, even for a second, that she could be more, that this wouldn’t all come toppling down like the proverbial house of cards built on sand. That she had allowed herself the luxury of believing that life could for once be good to her, that she could have all those things she had dreamed of and had seen others around her collect and cherish so easily while she just jumped from one disaster to the next, dodging any real responsibility or tether in her life.
Before Debs, she had convinced herself that it wasn’t a life she was destined to have, that she was one of those people who would have to be happy with just herself, that she wasn’t meant for love or commitment, happiness and contentment. But in reality, she craved those things. She longed to be looked at just as Debs looked at her, craved to feel her heart race with the smallest, most innocent of touches just as Debs made her feel.
But it was all a short-lived dream. One she should have known would never have come to anything she shouldn’t have been foolish to believe in. If she had just stuck to her beliefs and done what she had always done, keep everyone at arm’s length, never letting them get any closer, not letting that fucking damn attachment rule over her heart and head, then she could have avoided all of this.
The sound of the doorbell startled her, knocking over one of the mugs that sat beside her hand. She stared at the pool of coffee scattered across the counter. She wasn’t ready to face anyone, especially not Debs, with her gentle look and the way that she completely saw through every defence Sienna put up. Even her most carefully crafted walls had been dismantled by her, and right now, she barely had anything but the dusty remains of them scattered around her.
The doorbell ringing again pushed her to move, knowing that she couldn’t leave Debs waiting. She scrubbed her hands down her cheeks, hoping that she could hide enough that she avoided the near-inevitable questioning she was going to be subjected to. Everything felt too raw, and she wanted to shy away from it, hide until she could at least make sense of the tumultuous thoughts warring for attention inside her mind. Maybe if she could make up some excuse, then Debs would leave; although she knew that the chances would be slim, Debs’ desire to care for her was too great to be easily brushed aside with a flimsy excuse.
Reaching the door, she tried to steady her racing heart and shaking hands with a deep breath. If she kept moving enough that Debs wouldn’t see her too much, she might be able to steal away enough time to compose herself, get her head straight, and say something that could believably buy her a little reprieve. With a final less-than-confident resolve, she swung open the door, letting Debs trail in behind her on her own.
“I have had the worst fucking day,” Debs said, and Sienna could make out the tell-tale sound of Debs kicking her heels off as she made her way back towards the kitchen. “Hey, where are you going? No kiss hello? I’ve been looking forward to that all day,” she called after her.
“Sorry, I’m just not feeling great,” Sienna mumbled, hoping that her voice was convincing enough and didn’t wobble with the tears she felt threatening.
“Everything okay, sweetheart?” Debs asked, and Sienna could hear her following her.
“Yep.”
Silence filled the apartment. But it was different from the usual silence which lay between them. This one was tense, the air thick between them. She heard the soft sound of Debs padding across the floor towards her, and she gripped the counter again. Please don’t come any closer.
“Sienna?”
“Yeah?” Her voice was weak, cracking even with the one syllable, and Sienna knew in that moment that she didn’t have it in her to put on a mask. Debs would see right through her, and it would change everything.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” She swallowed down the emotion which rose within her chest. “I’m just tired, and I think I might be coming down with something.”
Foolishly, she tried to push through, to come up with an excuse that might just grant her the respite she needed. Please, don’t push me.
“That’s come on quick; you never said anything earlier.” Sienna tensed as she felt Debs come up beside her, stiffening as Debs pressed a palm to her cheek. “Sienna?”
“I’m sorry. Can you just…” She took a step back, finding Debs’ presence too suffocating.
“What’s going on?” she said, taking another step closer to Sienna, her hands still hovering over Sienna’s cheek.
She flicked her eyes up, watching as Debs’ gaze roved over her, concern in her eyes as they clearly took in the subtle pinkness to the tip of her nose, the way her eyes were a little glassy and bloodshot. Sienna heaved a great, bone-shuddering sigh, wrapping her arms around herself in a poor attempt to try and physically hold the pieces of herself together.
“Have you been crying?” Debs asked as she practically swooped into Sienna’s space. She cradled Sienna’s cheeks in her hands, recoiling as Sienna practically flinched at the gentle action.
“I’m fine.”
“You are abso-fucking-lutely not fine. What happened?”
“Nothing.”
“Why have you been crying?”
“Leave it, please,” Sienna ground out through almost gritted teeth.
“I will not leave it, Sienna!” Debs threw back, her tone sharp.
“Really, you should. It’s not worth it.”
Sienna pushed past Debs, nudging her shoulder as she did so. Debs swirled on her heels, following Sienna as she marched through the small living room.
“I’ll decide whether it’s worth it or not. What’s wrong?” Debs’ tone was hard, something Sienna had never heard before in it, and her irritation sky-rocketed at it. She had already suffered at the hands of her mother today; she wasn’t about to be berated by Debs, too. She may not have the strength to tell Penny to leave her alone, but here, when it was just her and Debs, she could break this far easier. She wasn’t Debs’ employee, a subordinate who could be ordered around, and the fact that Debs was demanding to know what was happening was the final insult to her fragile patience.
Sienna scoffed. “You’re not the big boss here, Debs. You don’t get to decide that.”
“Yes, I do. If it concerns you, it’s worth it. If it concerns you, I want to know.”
Any other time, those words might have meant something. Sienna might have been able to see past the tone and intonation within her voice that pointed towards a hard day at the office and the fact Debs had not fully let go of it yet. But tonight, Sienna was blinkered. All she could hear was another person trying to control her life. Another person trying to tell her how she should be feeling and what she should be doing.
“You don’t get to tell me what’s worthy with me! You don’t get to tell me what to do!” she spat.
“What? Where is this coming from?”
“Just leave it!”
“No, Sienna! I will not fucking leave it! I walk in here, and you’re tense, and then I find out you’ve been crying, and you won’t tell me what’s wrong! How can I fix it if you won’t tell me what’s wrong?”
“Maybe I don’t want you to fix it! I am not some project you can take on and mend!”
“I know you’re not—that’s not what I meant!”
“Isn’t it? Isn’t that what I am to you? ‘Poor Sienna doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life. Well, I can just swing in there and fix it for her because she’s so fucking pathetic!’ ”
“Just calm down and tell me what’s wrong, Sienna. We can talk it through and work it out!”
“Work what out?”
“Whatever is bothering you. Whatever it is you need, we can figure it out.”
“I don’t need to figure anything out!”
“Don’t you? Because right now, it sounds like you do.”
“No, I fucking don’t!”
“I can’t talk to you while you’re like this,” Debs said, throwing her hands up in the air. “I’ve spent all day managing other fucking people’s problems—”
“There you go again! I’m not a fucking problem you need to manage!”
“Don’t act like one then!”
The air was thick between them, and Sienna just stared at Debs, her chest heaving with all the emotions pulsing underneath her skin. She clenched her fists into her hands, feeling her nails dig into the soft flesh of her palms, the small pinpricks of pain doing nothing to distract her from the rage consuming her right now. Rage at Penny for filling her head with this doubt, rage at Debs for shouting at her, rage at herself for letting it all build up and come crashing down in a monumental downpour of bitter, angry words.
She watched as Debs took a deep breath, realisation flickering over her face at the implication of her words. “Sienna—”
“No. No, you don’t get to say anything.” She held her hands out, begging, pleading for Debs to not come any closer. She didn’t want her apologies; she didn’t want her forgiveness for the things she had said. She just wanted her as far away as possible so she could move past this ridiculous moment in her life when she let herself believe just for a moment that she could be happy. The sooner Debs stepped away, the sooner she could breathe again, start on building up those walls so she could protect herself and everyone else around her from the colossal fuck-up that she was and the catastrophic effect she had on people’s lives.
“Sienna, please…”
“Go.”
Debs cocked her head to the side, confusion painting her features. “What?”
“Go. Just go!”
“Sienna, sweetheart, we can talk about this,” Debs pleaded.
“No, no, we can’t! Don’t you get it? I don’t want to talk about it. Because this is me, fucking things up like I always do! I’m not worth your time, Debs. I make bad decisions, and I mess up people’s lives every single time I do.”
“That’s not true, sweetheart.”
“It is! You don’t know me—you don’t know if it’s true or not! But trust me when I say it is. All I ever do is upset people.”
“Sienna—”
“Stop it! Stop saying my name like that! This wasn’t ever going to work, Debs! If I hadn’t have fucked it up now, I would have done soon! Now just go!”
“No, I won’t!” Debs stepped forward, and Sienna could see the resolve on her face. Her bright blue eyes had turned steely, determined like that first time when she had looked at her as she held the phone to her ear and shushed her as she phoned that fucking plumber and solved Sienna’s problem. All she had been doing ever since had been solving Sienna’s problems, and Sienna wasn’t about to let her do it again. She wasn’t about to let herself become lost in Debs’ crusade to help her, only for it to blow up further down the line, as it was inevitably going to, when she could rip the band-aid off now and put everyone out of their misery. She spun on her heel, fuelled by the pure bitter disappointment of Penny’s words running through her head.
You wasted your chance, Sienna, and you have no one to blame but yourself.
She grabbed Debs’ handbag where it had been left on the sofa and marched towards the front door, scooping up her heels as she did so.
“Sienna, what are you doing?” Debs called after her.
“Getting you to leave!” Throwing the door open, she threw Debs’ bag and shoes out into the tiny hallway, hearing them clatter as they hit the floor.
“Sienna, don’t do this!” Debs pleaded as she reached Sienna’s side, daring to reach out and snag her hand. Sienna pulled it away as if she had been burnt by her touch, pushing her the final distance before closing the door.
“Sienna, let me back in. Please!” she heard Debs shout through the door.
At the sounds of another broken, tear-filled please , Sienna finally collapsed upon herself, sinking to the floor with her back against the door, tears flowing down her face in a torrent of unrestrained pain and anguish.
This may hurt now, the ache in her chest at physically closing the door on the greatest thing she had ever experienced in her life, but it would only be more painful if she let it linger.
You have no one to blame but yourself.