Chapter Thirty-Seven
S ienna looked at the clock on her computer screen when she heard the knock at her door. It was almost lunchtime, and she was expecting Max any moment. She really hoped that Max wouldn’t try to talk about Debs again or spend the entire time trying to convince her to ring her. At one point, Max had even suggested turning up at her office. But Sienna shot them all down. Debs wouldn’t want to see her. Apart from those few messages she sent about Charlie, she’d not been in contact with her. She wanted to; she wanted to answer every single one, beg for forgiveness, explain everything. But she knew that it wasn’t worth it. Why pour her heart out, open herself up, and tell Debs everything to only be rejected when Debs realised Sienna really was too much to take on?
Calling for her friend to come in, she was confused at the silence which greeted her, no witty remark or sarcastic retort uttered.
“What’s up with you—oh.”
“Hi, Sienna.”
Her breath was stolen by the sight of the one person who had been plaguing her every waking thought for the past two weeks. She swallowed, at a loss for words, as she let her eyes take in Debs, disbelieving that she was really there.
Debs smiled. It was soft and timid, barely there, as if she was unsure if she could be happy in Sienna’s presence. She ducked her head, trying to hide her face from Sienna’s gaze. It was so uncharacteristic, so unlike any other version of the Debs she knew, that for a split second, she wondered if this was all some hallucination, a dream her mind had conjured up to torture her, and that Debs was nothing but a figment of her imagination.
“Why are you smiling?” She winced, her tone harsher than what she anticipated, but her emotions were raw and she was struggling to understand.
“Sorry. You just reminded me of the first time I came to see you. After you’d sent me that lily, and you stumbled over your words. We had that whole conversation, and all you could say was ‘oh’ .”
Sienna didn’t know what to think. Here was Debs, after not speaking to each other for days, after Sienna shouted and screamed at her, pushed her away in the most brutal and final way she knew possible, and she was smiling and reminiscing about when they first met.
“I understand you might not want to see me,” Debs continued when Sienna didn’t say anything. “But Charlie spoke to me Saturday night, and I… He told me. About your sister. I think he thought I knew. And I didn’t know if he was just confused to begin with, so I asked Max. And I want you to know I’m not angry with you for not telling me. A loss that great, it’s your decision and right to tell whoever you want whenever you want. And I don’t know, can’t imagine the impact that has on someone…”
“You lost your parents when you were basically still a child,” Sienna interrupted, not happy with the implication that the death of Cerys was worse than Debs’ parents.
“Yes. But it doesn’t mean that I grieved in the same way. Or processed it in the same way you did. Grief isn’t a standard, Sienna. You’re allowed to feel whatever you feel, for however long you feel.”
Sienna nodded, once again lost for words, all of them lost in the lump in the back of her throat that threatened to choke her with each passing second.
“It also doesn’t mean that it affects me in the same way either. Then. Now.” Debs took a huge breath, and Sienna noticed the way her lip trembled and her body shook. “Max also told me that your mother visited you the day we… And that was all the details they gave, but I’m smart enough to know what they were implying. Because I also know that after the dinner with your parents was when you started to withdraw. And I gave you time, hoping that whatever it was, you would come to me when you were ready, but I’m not sure if that was the right thing to do. I’m not sure being here now is the right thing to do, but… Well, I’m here anyway. Because whatever happened between us, Sienna, I need you to know that the most important thing to me is your happiness.”
Sienna’s heart was pounding with the words Debs was saying, the realisation that everything she had kept buried for so long, all the reasons that she came up with for not being enough for Debs, for why this had been a bad idea, would never work, were being thrown out into the open. They may not have been spoken explicitly, and she may not have found the words to confirm or deny anything Debs had said, but it was enough to push more water through those dangerous, precarious cracks that she had tried to repair in the past two weeks and failed miserably to do.
She watched as Debs raised unsteady hands to her bag, pulling out a notebook.
“My mother left me this,” Debs explained as she held it towards Sienna. “Well, not really left me. I didn’t even know she had a journal until after she was gone. I found it when I was clearing out the house after the funeral. It’s mostly just filled with little things me and my brother did growing up, memories and milestones, that sort of thing. But some of it was her hopes for us both. I marked a page. You should read it.”
“I can’t do that, Debs. This is your mother’s,” Sienna pleaded, her voice raw and gravelly with unshed tears.
“Please. I don’t mind. And I think she would want you to read it. If she was still here…” Sienna noted the waver in Debs’ voice, uncharacteristic for her at the best of times, but something that was noticeably absent when Debs had spoken of her parents before. Sienna had put it down to years of acceptance, but maybe now wondered if it was just a mask, the grief still as prominent now as it would have been all those years ago. “If she was still here and had gotten to meet you, I think she would tell you the same as she wrote here.”
“Debs…”
Debs stepped forward, pressing the journal into Sienna’s hands. She could feel the soft, supple leather under her fingertips, and the feel of it, the weight of the action, had those tears she had been pointlessly holding back cascading down her cheeks with the next blink of her eyes.
“You deserve happiness, Sienna. Whoever that is with, however that looks.” Sienna’s eyes fluttered closed as Debs leaned down, ghosting her lips over her cheek, a gentle kiss pressed to her skin. “Read it.”
Sienna’s mouth was dry, and her heart hammered so loudly in her chest that she was sure it was going to break clean through her ribs. The door had clicked closed seconds ago, Debs leaving her, sitting staring into the space where she had only moments ago stood, her fingers clasped around the soft, supple leather of a journal from a woman she had never known yet had so fundamentally impacted her life, just because she had raised Debs. It had to have been her mother, who had such a lasting monumental influence on Debs’ life. The scattered conversations they had shared about her, although few, always rang with a sense of admiration from Debs. And for Debs to share something so intimate with her, so cherished… It only made the guilt at her own inability to share and the secrets she had kept rise up within her.
She rose on shaky legs to lock the door, knowing that if she was to ever read the words in front of her, it had to be now, when she couldn’t give herself time to talk herself out of it. Whatever it was, the message had to be important for Debs to come and deliver it to her at work after days of silence and the distance she had put between them. She opened the slightly battered and creased pages to the marker Debs had left, staring down through blurry vision at the beautiful looping handwriting on the page.
Deborah,
This time next year you’ll be leaving home and starting your own life.
Sienna bit back a sob, knowing from what Debs had told her, this must have been written not long before she died.
This time next year you’ll be leaving home and starting your own life. And it’s made me think of all the things you’ve achieved so far. You and your brother have made me and your father so incredibly proud, and I know you will continue to do so in whatever you do in your life. I was thinking of writing you a letter, when you leave home and go to university, of all the things which I want you to remember as you grow and navigate this new life you will build for yourself. I know already, whatever you do you will be successful. Your headstrong determination is an asset, a credit to you, and your maturity in which you apply it in the things that you do is outstanding. I don’t think I was ever that level-headed and understanding when I was your age.
So I guess that’s the first thing I would tell you. Don’t lose that spirit. It may mellow over time, as you learn how to make your way through life, but don’t ever lose it. Instead let it change with you, as you learn new things and meet new people.
Be smart and learn from the world. There’s always something new to learn. Never be so close-minded that you aren’t afraid to say you don’t know.
Know your worth. Never let anyone tell you you aren’t good enough, smart enough or incapable of doing something. You may not be able to do everything, but recognise your strengths and nurture them, and embrace your weaknesses and learn from them.
Love hard. Find those people who bring you joy, who will laugh with you when you are happy, celebrate with you when you win and commiserate with you when you lose.
And don’t be afraid to lose. Don’t be afraid to take risks, to see what could be out there if you take a leap. Life can be full of wonderful surprises if you just push yourself out of your comfort zone.
I’m sure I’ll think of a million other things to tell you between then and now. Like how to make your Nana’s lemon drizzle cake you love so much, and how to change a nappy if you have children. I’m sure the list will grow with each passing year, and each milestone you reach in your life.
I am so proud of you, my sweet girl, and I love you.