Chapter Forty-Three
Six weeks later…
“You know you don’t need to take the day off with me? I’m just going to be running around panicking all day.”
Sienna smiled as she felt Debs’ arms slip around her waist, a gentle kiss pressed to her cheek.
“Which is the exact reason I am going to be here all day. To stop you panicking, to tell you that everything will be alright, to remind you that this is the right decision when you invariably talk yourself out of it a dozen times today.”
Sienna grinned, those butterflies erupting in her chest once again. The past six weeks had been a whirlwind; Sienna had avoided anything and everything to do with her university start date in the two weeks she and Debs weren’t speaking to each other—and longer before then, if she was honest, not wanting to even consider it. The demons in her mind, those voices which told her time and time again she wasn’t good enough, clever enough, strong enough to make this change and take this step, were only quietened when she didn’t think about it, and that also meant not preparing for it. But Debs had taken all of that in hand a few days after they had got back together, asking her casually whether she was ready for it. Which, in turn, kicked off another rambling spiral about how she had absolutely nothing prepared. Debs, in her perfect, strong manner, had simply stopped her mid-rant, pressing a kiss to her lips to pause the words before telling her that they would sit down together and work out exactly what she needed, and it would all be fine.
What do you need?
Those four words had become the mantra to their relationship, to their existence together and were tattooed on her brain. The way they washed over her, filling her with a sense of calm and control had her convinced they contained some kind of magic, but for every time Debs had uttered them to her, she had uttered them back, both determined to never let the other feel unheard.
It hadn’t been easy. It was early days, and they both knew it. But while before Sienna had convinced herself, without any evidence or consideration, that Debs would walk away once she found the truth, the opposite had been true. And today was just another example.
Sienna leaned back into Debs’ body, relaxing in her strong hold and closed her eyes.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, baby.”
The sound of fake retching disrupted their moment of solitude, and Sienna and Debs both turned around to find Charlie, spoon mid-air, pretending to be sick.
“I’m sorry, is there a problem?” Debs asked with a smirk.
“You two are so sweet, it’s gross. I’m trying to eat my cereal.”
Sienna couldn’t help the snort of laughter which came bubbling out, at the sight and sound of the mini-Debs. Charlie was becoming more like his mother every day, his snarky attitude sometimes bordering on misbehaving, but nonetheless adorable. Not that she would ever tell him to his face; the last thing a soon-to-be teenager wants to hear is that they are adorable. Debs eyed her suspiciously.
“What’s so funny?”
“He’s so your son,” Sienna answered, leaning over to leave a chaste kiss on Debs’ mouth before walking away, pulling up a stool next to Thea at the counter.
“Sienna, when you go to university, does that mean we won’t see you as much?”
The change to their family dynamic had come easily; Charlie had been aloof, but even he had started to let down his teenage walls, even catching her off-guard with a hasty yet bone-crushing hug one evening. Thea was much more open about her approval, jumping on Sienna and asking her endless questions about the things they could do together now she would be around more. They had even managed to meet with Evan a few times, Thea latching onto him once she discovered he knew even more than Sienna when it came to her newfound fascination with plants and flowers. In fact, Evan, Sienna, and Thea had all spent the past Sunday afternoon down at his allotment, Evan relishing in the new grandfatherly role he had so easily slipped into. But now, the young girl was seemingly more hesitant than her usual bubbly self, and concern spiked through Sienna.
“What makes you say that, Thea?”
“Well, Charlie and I are back at school now, and you’ll be at uni or at work. So when will we get to see you?”
“Oh. Well, we’ll make it work. I can come around in the evenings and see you, and we have weekends together.”
“You should just move in,” Charlie huffed from over his cereal bowl. He looked up as silence fell over the kitchen. “What? It makes sense. You’re here most of the time anyway, and Thea’s right. You are going to be busy with uni.”
Sienna felt herself fall a little more in love with these kids. Thea with her kind heart and big feelings, worrying about seeing her, and Charlie, with his gentle soul, which was such a contrast to his acerbic comebacks. They were the best things about Debs in miniature, and every day she found something new and wonderful.
“When that time comes,” Debs broke the silence, “we will talk about it. As a family. Now, you two are going to be late for school, so go grab your stuff and I’ll drop you off.”
Charlie dropped his spoon into his bowl with a clatter, taking it to the sink, while Thea hopped up and gave Sienna a quick hug before following behind him. Sienna grinned, questioning once again how she had gotten so lucky, but the lingering shock of Charlie’s offhand comment was still ringing through her ears. Could she really live with them? Could she build a family here with Debs and her children? Was that really a possibility?
“Don’t overthink it,” Debs whispered in her ear as if she knew exactly what was going through her mind.
“I’m not thinking about anything,” she tried to dismiss, but that throaty chuckle directly into her ear crumbled her rebuttal into ash immediately. “Fine, but I’m not going to dwell on it.”
“Sure, you’re not.” Sienna knew that Debs didn’t believe a word of it. She spun her round, arms bracketing either side of her so she couldn’t escape. Not that she wanted to. Pinned between Deb’s body and any hard surface was most definitely one of Sienna’s favourite places to be. “I mean it. We will talk about it. Do I want you here? Of course I do. But I also know that this is a monumental time for you. So much is changing, and you are still going through everything with Cerys, so it’s fine if you don’t want to make any more huge changes just yet. And just like I said to Charlie, when the time comes, be it sooner or later, we can all talk about it.”
Debs sat at the table of the restaurant where they had their first date, staring at Sienna over the top of her wine glass. The past six weeks had been a rollercoaster of emotions for her girlfriend, but it finally seemed as though she was coming out of the other side. Debs was glad about it, if only for the fact that she hoped it meant Sienna could start her studies with a clearer head. She hated the idea that her delayed grief over Cerys could ruin her second chance at university and, at one point, she was even concerned that she was pushing through it too quickly in an attempt to be ready. But Sienna had also been more open and honest about her feelings than ever before. They would spend long evenings curled up together, Sienna telling her stories of her childhood with her big sister, and although they would often end in one or both of them crying, Sienna would always end by saying that she felt lighter for it. She hadn’t visited her grave and had asked Debs if she should at one point. But Debs reminded her that it wasn’t a requirement, and no one would think any less of her for not doing so. She wasn’t entirely sure that was true—she was fairly sure Penny would have a strong opinion—but Penny was also something that had changed recently. Since Evan’s visit to Sienna all those weeks ago, Penny had been uncharacteristically silent. Evan had told her, in a hushed private conversation the first time they had met, that he had told Penny in no uncertain terms that unless she could change her attitude, Sienna was well within her rights to cut her out. She could see a lot of Sienna in him, and it warmed her heart to see the two of them reconnecting. Even if she was still simmering with anger at the lost years and the source of it all.
“Are you listening to me?”
“What?”
“You didn’t hear a word I said, did you?” Sienna said with a smirk.
“No.”
“What were you thinking about?”
“You.”
Debs watched as that blush which reminded her of those early days when Sienna was so uncertain around her crept up her cheeks. She loved making her blush then, she loved it now, especially as she was finding new and entirely fun ways of doing it on a daily basis.
“You did that on purpose.”
“Maybe a little. But I was thinking of you. About how proud I am of you, how you’ve overcome all these things life has thrown at you recently. And that soon you’ll be starting the next stage of your life, and how I’ll be proud to stand beside you as you do.” Debs cleared her throat, looking down into her wine glass. “And that, if it’s something you want at any point, I would love to live together. Me and you and the kids. Our new family. But there’s no rush. You just say the word, and we’ll do it. But until then, I’m more than happy to carry on as we are.”
Sienna sighed, her finger idly tracing the rim of her own wine glass. “You’re not worried it’s a bit quick? Like, you’ve got the kids to think about, and really, we haven’t known each other very long, compared to other people.”
“Like who?”
“Well…Mica and Grace, for example.”
Debs snorted. “The poster couple for glacial relationship progression? I did tell you about the whole decade-long pining, right?”
“Yes.” Sienna chuckled. “And maybe they weren’t the best example. But maybe that’s exactly my point. I don’t know what this is meant to look like. I’m not surrounded by healthy couples or family units to draw expectations from.”
“Fair enough,” Debs said, nodding, entirely understanding where Sienna’s concerns stemmed from.
“And didn’t you and James, like, take things slow even though you were pregnant with Charlie?”
“Yes.” Debs shuffled in her seat, now regretting ever bringing the topic up for discussion. She wasn’t aware that Sienna would bring up her only other relationship as some kind of yardstick to measure theirs to. “It’s fine—just forget I said anything. I just wanted you to know that it was there if you decided it was something you wanted.”
“Hey,” Sienna leaned forward, lacing her fingers in between Debs’ and giving them a squeeze. “I'm not saying no. I’m just not saying yes yet, either. I’m still getting used to all this. Some days, it feels like it’s all a dream and you’re going to realise what you’ve got yourself into and walk away. And I know you wouldn’t, but…”
“That voice is still in your head. I get it, I do.” Her voice is still in your head. It was times like these when she really cursed Penny Daly for the lasting damage she had done to Sienna. She wasn’t sure if that relationship would ever repair itself, but there were moments, ones like these, when she could see the scars from it so clearly, she secretly, albeit callously, hoped it wouldn’t. As far as she was concerned, at this moment, Sienna was better off without that influence in her life.
“How about this?” Sienna’s voice broke her out of her spiralling thought. “Christmas.”
“What?”
“Ask me again at Christmas. Once my first semester is done, once it has been and gone, ask me again.” Debs knew what it was. November would mark nine years since Cerys had died. And the first since then when Sienna was free to remember her as she wanted. They’d talked long about it, about Sienna’s guilt over not wanting to potentially spend another day with Penny instead of doing her own thing, whatever that looked like. Of not going to visit the grave, of other ways to mark the day. But she knew the lingering eventuality of it arriving hung over Sienna more this year than any before.
“Okay, Christmas.”
“Besides, you might be sick of me by then. You know, this is the first year where I can really go wild at Christmas in forever. Thea and I have big plans.” Sienna wiggled her eyebrows comically, and Debs laughed with her whole body.
“Fucking hell, you two are going to insufferable.”
“You better fucking believe it!”
Debs watched Sienna from across the table, those chocolate eyes glittering with mischief and joy, taken aback by the happiness within them. She wasn’t sure she had ever seen her so carefree and relaxed, which was monumental considering she was on the precipice of one of the most life-changing paths she could take. To think that this was the same woman who had nervously stumbled over her words when they first met, who had sent her the Peace Lily that still had pride of place on her desk, who had doubted her every decision and action just a few months ago was unbelievable.
“I love you.”
“I love you too,” Sienna replied, cocking her head and leaning in over the table. “So finish up your wine. We’ve got three hours until the kids are back from school, and I plan on using them very wisely.”
Debs smirked. If someone had told her a year ago that this is what her life would look like post-divorce, and she would have told them they were fucking crazy. But now, she couldn’t imagine her life any other way.
She had exactly what she needed.