35. Sienna
SIENNA
“I’ll clean up before dessert,” Calvin says, pushing his chair back as he reaches for his plate.
“No,” I cry, also standing up. “You’ve already done enough. Go and sit down. I’ll just load the dishwasher, and I’ll deal with the rest tomorrow.”
“I didn’t do this with the intention of making a mess in your apartment.”
“I know you didn’t.”
Ignoring me, he continues to walk to my kitchen, although I don’t miss the way his limp is more pronounced than it was earlier.
“Is your knee hurting?” I ask, following him.
“It’s okay,” he lies.
“Calvin, go and sit down.”
He turns to look at me, his eyes blazing just like they were earlier when he noticed I was wearing his hoodie.
“I like it when you get all bossy,” he rasps, his eyes rolling down the length of my body, lingering on my bare legs for long seconds.
“Then be a good boy and go and sit down.”
His nostrils flare as he rubs the back of his neck. “Goddamn, woman.”
I raise my brows when he doesn’t make a move to do as he’s told.
“Go,” I say, shooing him away.
Eventually, he retreats to the couch, choosing the spot that will allow him to watch me as I tidy up.
He watches my every move, and I don’t feel it more than when I’m bending over, loading the dishwasher.
“Giving you that hoodie was the best thing I’ve ever done,” he says while my ass is in the air. “Are you wearing anything beneath it?”
I guess that answers my question of whether he can see everything or not.
“I couldn’t possibly tell you that,” I tease.
He groans, and when I stand up again and glance back, he’s dragging his hand down his face.
“I might let you find out, though,” I taunt.
I’m pretty sure he swallows his tongue.
“You’re gonna be the death of me, I just know it. Can you please just make sure everything I own is donated to a youth hockey program when I go?”
I smile at him, not missing the fact that he doesn’t want his fortune to go to his family, but considering we’re having such a nice, easy evening together, I don’t mention it.
“Are you done yet? I’m lonely over here,” he whines a few minutes later.
“Almost. Do you want another glass of wine?” I ask as I pour myself a small one.
I don’t want to get drunk, but I’m hoping a nice buzz will help me relax. It sure helped when we had that video call the other night, and assuming tonight is going to go in a similar direction, only in person, I could use the help.
“Just water for me, please.”
“You got it,” I say, grabbing two bottles and my glass of wine before finally joining him on the couch.
I lower my ass to my usual cushion and take a sip of my wine.
“What are you doing over there?” Calvin asks, his brows pinched tight.
“I…uh…” I hesitate as he rests his arm along the back of the cushion, inviting me to snuggle against him.
Unable to deny the pull I feel toward him, I shuffle over.
The second I’m in touching distance, he wraps his arm around me, his hand clamping down on my waist as he brushes his lips over my temple.
“Much better.”
“What are we watching? Any games on?”
He chuckles. “I can always find a hockey game, darlin’. But we don’t have to.”
“I don’t mind,” I say honestly as I pass him the remote.
I watch as he flicks through a few channels before settling on a college game that’s being televised tonight.
He relaxes to watch, and I snuggle closer, sliding my hand across his abs.
They bunch the second I touch him, and a smile twitches my lips. I love that my touch affects him just as much as his does me.
We fall into a comfortable silence as we watch the TV, and to start with, we’re both still, but then his fingers begin to shift at my waist. It’s innocent and over the fabric of his hoodie, but just knowing that he’s touching me has my temperature climbing.
Feeling brave, I bite down on my bottom lip and gently shift my hand a little lower on his stomach.
He shudders as my little finger brushes the waistband of his pants.
It’s the most forward I’ve been with a man in…well, ever. But there’s something about Calvin that gives me the confidence to explore in a way I never have before.
None of my previous experiences has allowed me to indulge.
They’ve all been about him and what he wants.
I never had a voice. And despite knowing that, it’s only really hitting home now with how understanding Calvin is.
He wants to hear my voice; he wants to follow my lead and make sure I’m comfortable.
And if that isn’t a turn-on, well, I don’t know what is.
“I was in a relationship in college,” I start. I’m not sure when I decided to share, but the words spill free regardless. “I thought he was everything. Football player. The guy all the girls wanted. You know the type.”
I wait a beat to see if Calvin is going to react, but it’s like he’s frozen beside me.
Unable to look at him, I keep my eyes on the screen.
“Things were great for quite a while, and even looking back now, I can’t quite figure out when it all changed.
We’d been having sex for some time. It was…
okay. I enjoyed it. It wasn’t anything like it is in the books or the movies, but it was okay.
” Calvin tenses as I say okay for a second time, but he remains quiet.
“As time went on, he started using sex against me.” Shame wants to swallow me whole as I think about it now.
How I didn’t see it earlier is beyond me, and I feel so stupid.
“He’d use it as a reward or a punishment, not just because he loved me like he claimed to.
If he deemed I did something wrong, he’d punish me by not allowing me to finish. He’d be rough and take what he needed.”
Calvin’s breathing gets more and more erratic as I continue talking, and I don’t doubt that he can feel my hand trembling against his abs.
I hate thinking about those times, let alone anyone else.
“He used to take me when I wasn’t ready, and it would hurt. But he didn’t care. He—”
“Fucking asshole,” Calvin seethes, his free hand curled into a tight fist on his thigh.
“Yeah. He fucked me up pretty good,” I confess quietly. “In the end, I discovered that he was cheating, and I finally got myself away from him.”
Calvin blows out a long, relieved breath.
I wish I could say it ends there. That the men that came after proved that sex isn’t a reward or a punishment for my behavior. I guess some of them might have, if I’d given them the chance.
I squeeze my eyes closed.
“I tried dating in the hope that hooking up with some guys would help force him and my memories of sex from my head. But it didn’t work.
The guys just wanted a good time with a willing woman.
” His muscles tighten again, his abs trembling beneath my hand.
“It’s not that I wasn’t willing, because I was.
I was desperate to banish those past experiences.
But it turned out they were deeper rooted than I thought.
I couldn’t get past them. And the guys I was hooking up with didn’t have the patience to try and fix me. They—”
“You’re not broken, Sienna,” he says, his voice deep and strained. The sound of it forces me to look up at him. My breath catches when I see his face pulled taut with anger. I instantly glance away again.
“I am, though. I haven’t been able to…see it through since.
My brain tells me I should want it, and my body agrees, but there comes a point when I just shut down.
Sometimes it happens fast; other times, it’s a little later in the process, but it always h-happens.
” My voice cracks, and I hate it. “In the end, I gave up. I’ve got my…
” I hesitate and only speak again when his burning stare heats the side of my face.
“Toys. They do the job, and I just focus on my life, hoping that one day, everything will suddenly be okay.”
Calvin clears his throat. “How many toys are we talking?”
“Oh my god, that’s what you’re taking away from all of that?” I laugh, turning to take him in.
His eyes search mine for a beat. I want to look away.
He’s looking so deep, I swear he can see all my broken, jagged edges.
I hate that one person had the power to change this for me.
To ruin what should be a fun part of life.
He took it and twisted it into something anxiety-ridden that has the power to control the rest of my life.
“It’s…it’s the easiest part for me to process right now.”
“Oh,” I breathe.
His eyes continue to bounce between mine, leaving me to wonder what he’s thinking.
Is he about to get up and walk out now he knows just how fucked up I am, or is he going to be the one I was hoping for?
When his gaze drops to my lips, hope blooms inside me.
Out of anyone in the entire world, I’d love for Calvin Keller to be the one who has the patience to see this through with me.
He drags his bottom lip between his teeth before lifting his eyes back up to mine.
“You’re beautiful, Sienna. Incredibly sexy, and you deserve to enjoy mind-blowing sex like everyone else.”
My heart lodges in the throat.
Please, please please, don’t tell me that you’re not the one to give it to me.
My nose itches as tears burn hot at the back of my eyes.
Oh God. He’s going to walk away.
In my need to act first, I pull my hand away from him and scoot back on the couch.
His arm drops from my waist, and he looks at me with a frown.
“What are you—”
“You can go,” I whisper under my breath.
“W-what? Why would I—”
“Because everything I just said.”
“Sienna,” he rasps. “Look at me,” he demands, making me realize I’ve dropped my gaze to my lap so I don’t have to watch him leave. “Darlin’.” That one word is like a shot straight through my heart, and my eyes shoot up.
My breath catches at the compassion I find there, and when he reaches for my hand, twists our fingers, and pulls me closer once more, a sob erupts.
He gathers me in his arms and holds me tight. “I’m not going anywhere,” he whispers in my ear, ensuring I completely break down on his shoulder.
His hold on me doesn’t falter as the anxiety and fear over telling him all that and watching him turn his back on me drains from my body.
“I’ve never told anyone that before,” I confess into his neck after long minutes.
“Thank you for trusting me with it.”
His words settle in me, and I realize for the first time since college, I do actually trust a man.
I pull back and look into his eyes. The anger has mostly faded, but it still lingers. But there’s also desire swimming there.
“Please,” I whisper. “Please don’t make me regret it.”
His breath tickles over my face as he leans forward and rests his forehead against mine.
“I won’t hurt you, Sienna. I promise.”