49. Sienna
SIENNA
Everything hurt when I woke this morning, but my eyes and my throat took the brunt of it. I don’t know what time I eventually fell asleep last night, but it was late, and my pillow was soaked with tears.
I didn’t want to cry. I wanted to be angry. I was angry. But I also couldn’t stop the tears.
I trusted him. I trusted him more than anyone.
I told him things that I’ve kept to myself for years.
And I stupidly allowed myself to think that he could be the one. I could see a future together—the kind of future I didn’t think I was going to get.
But as angry and hurt as I am by him, I’m also ashamed and embarrassed at myself.
How didn’t I know?
Why didn’t I see it?
I feel so stupid.
All I could think about last night was the little signs. The clues I can only assume he was throwing in the hope that I might realize. His tattoo…
Fuck. His tattoo.
Red-hot tears burn the backs of my eyes as I stare at the far wall of our small staff room, waiting for the kettle to boil for my client’s fruit tea.
Do not cry.
Not here.
Wait until you’re locked inside your apartment.
He has a tattoo that reminded him of our summer together all those years ago.
That’s…mindboggling.
Guilt lands on top of everything else I’m feeling right now as steam billows from the kettle beside me.
I never forgot that summer. I also never forgot him.
I just…I never thought I’d see him again.
And while it hurt at the time, over the years, I figured that if it were meant to be, we’d collide again—I just didn’t actually expect it to happen.
Or for it to turn out to be a man who was right in front of my eyes.
How didn’t I realize?
My head continues spinning as I pour the water into the waiting mug. I place the kettle down, and I’m about to turn around to return to my client when the door opens.
Bea stands there with a takeout coffee in her hand.
“Rett been ordering you treats again?” I tease, trying to keep the pain out of my voice.
As much as I wanted to put on a brave face this morning and pretend everything was fine, the second I looked at Bea, she knew.
I tried to stop her, but she instantly pulled me into her arms. I broke down on her shoulder before she promised me she would go after Calvin and cause him a world of pain for hurting me.
I appreciated the gesture, but I think he’s already dealing with enough right now. He doesn’t need a pissed-off pregnant woman on his case as well.
“Not Everett,” she says, walking closer and holding the coffee cup out. “Calvin.”
I stare at the takeout cup as if it’s personally offended me.
“Sienna?” Bea questions, her brow furrowed.
“I know we haven’t had time to fully dissect what’s happened.
” That’s an understatement. Thanks to my lack of sleep, I rocked up at work with two minutes to spare, and we’ve both had back-to-back clients since.
“But surely you’re not going to turn down coffee? It’s your favorite.”
Goddamn it.
Hesitantly, I reach out and take it. The second I bring it to my nose and inhale, I discover she’s right. It is my favorite.
Although, I’m not surprised—Calvin always listened.
If only he were as good at talking, we might not have ended up in this mess.
“Things can’t be fixed with coffee,” I snap, annoyed at his thoughtfulness.
Does he suspect that I was up all night running over every second of our time together? Was he doing the same?
Ugh. I hate this.
“I know that. But it might help make you feel a little better,” Bea says softly.
Knowing she’s right, I take a sip.
“Are we heading to your place or mine after work to hash all of this out?” she asks before I get to the door.
I think about being at my place and potentially hearing him above me.
“Yours,” I practically cry.
“Okay. We’ll order takeout, and I’ve already got ice cream in the fridge. You want alcohol?”
I hesitate. I should say no—she’s pregnant. It would be rude to drink when she can’t.
“I’ll get you alcohol,” she answers for me.
“Bea, you don’t need—”
“I’ve got you,” she says, flashing me a smile that I struggle to return.
“Thank you,” I mumble before heading back out to my client.
The day drags, and no amount of caffeine can fix the awful night’s sleep I had. But despite desperately wanting to go home, crawl into bed, and block the world out, when our final clients of the day leave, Bea bundles me into her car and drives me to her place.
Rett is away on a road series, so it’s just the two of us.
After kicking off my sneakers, I flop on Bea’s couch, listening to her crash about in the kitchen. I might be curious as to what she’s doing, but I’m also too exhausted to look.
“Here you go. One margarita,” Bea announces before a cocktail glass appears before me.
I blink at it. I’ve barely eaten today. Drinking that is a bad idea.
But knowing that doesn’t stop me from reaching out, taking it from her, and then lifting it to my lips.
Thankfully, I quickly discover that it’s not as strong as it could be.
“Enjoy that. I’m going to change quickly. Did you want some sweats and a hoodie?”
I should say no. If I change, then it’s pretty much set that I’m staying the night. But judging by the way Bea is looking at me, I think that’s already been decided.
“Yeah, that would be great. Thank you.”
“You’d do the same for me.”
I nod. I’d do anything for her.
Fifteen minutes later, I’m back on Bea’s couch wearing her clothes, with my hair piled in a messy bun on top of my head, and my first margarita is almost gone. Despite it being relatively weak, I’ve already got a little buzz going.
“Okay, food is ordered. Now, lay all of it on me,” she says, curling her legs beneath her as she sits on the other side of the couch.
My mouth opens and closes for a few seconds as I try to figure out where to start.
Twenty-four hours on, it all seems like a dream. Unfortunately, the anger and disappointment are still very, very real.
“When I was a kid, I was obsessed with horse riding.” Bea frowns in confusion.
“To stop me from going on about it so much, my parents booked us a holiday on a ranch in Texas. Garrett wasn’t thrilled; he could think of a million and one things more exciting than spending two weeks with horses.
But he went along with it. I was buzzing when we arrived.
And the ranch was everything I could have hoped for.
“We stayed in these cabins, and that afternoon, I had my first horse riding session.
“I was living my best life. I didn’t think it could get any better. But then I met him.
“Vinny Smythson.
“He was…” I shake my head as I think of that boy back then. “So cute. Sun-bleached blond hair, glowing tan, the most incredible smile, and a droolworthy accent. Oh, and did he know how to handle a horse.
“My crush started instantly, and I’m pretty sure the feeling was mutual. We pretty much spent the entire two weeks together. It was the kind of summer every preteen girl dreams of.
“But back then, neither of us had cell phones, so when I left, we promised to write. We did for a bit, but then life got busy and we lost touch.
“I’ve thought about him often, considered seeing if I could book another break at the ranch.
I always assumed he took it over from his father, like those who came before him.
But every time I looked it up and went to book, I backed out.
I was the one who stopped writing. How could I walk into that place all those years later and assume he’d still be interested? ”
Bea nods, sipping on her virgin margarita, curiosity burning in her eyes.
“I stopped looking for him in the crowd a long time ago. Things like that don’t happen in real life.”
“Until they do,” Bea muses.
“Until they do.” I drop my face into my hands, a fresh wave of shame rolling through me. “I had no idea, Bea.”
“Oh, sweetie,” she says, abandoning her drink in favor of holding my hand.
“He was right there in front of me. The boy who lived rent-free in my head for all my teenage years. Only, he’s no longer a boy, he’s a man. And he no longer wrangles horses for a living, but hockey players instead.”
“It’s like a romance novel,” Bea muses.
“He knew,” I confess. “He knew all this time, and he didn’t tell me.”
She falls silent.
“That’s…Why didn’t he tell you?”
I shrug before taking her through the events of the night before.
“Who knew he could be so romantic?” She sighs after I tell her about the date that allowed me to figure it all out. “He obviously wanted you to know, or he wouldn’t have planned something like that.”
“What did he expect to happen? For me to be happy about it? To throw myself in his arms, grateful we found each other again?”
“He’s a man,” Bea points out. “Anything could be going on in his head. The only way to find out, though, is to talk to him.”
“I…he lied to me,” I say quietly. “I didn’t think…” I shake my head, my words trailing off as I try to get my thoughts in line. “I trusted him with stuff I don’t tell people, and in turn, he was keeping a huge secret.”
“He must have had his reasons.”
“Maybe. I’m just…it hurts.” I drain the rest of my drink before staring into the empty glass. “I was falling for him. And now? Now, I’m so confused. I don’t want to give myself to a man who can lie to me so easily. It’s thrown everything I thought I knew about him into chaos.”
“You need to talk to him.”
“I know. Just…not yet. I’m not ready.”
“Take your time. If he’s serious, he’ll wait.”
“What if he’s not?” I ask quietly. “What if I wait too long?”
“You said you met him when you were twelve?” I nod. “He just planned the most romantic date that mirrored the nights you spent together all those years ago. He’ll wait.”
I blow out a long breath, my heart aching like it’s been thrown into a meat grinder and spit out the other side.
“I really like him,” I confess.
“I know you do.”
“I’m just…I can’t believe they’re the same person. That boy I spent my teenage nights dreaming of is the man who’s been at my front door almost every day for the past few weeks. The player I’ve been watching for years. How didn’t I know, Bea? How?”
“People change. You can’t keep beating yourself up over this. Calvin keeps his personal life out of his hockey life. The only reason I know he’s from Texas is because of the accent. He never talks about it, and I’ve never seen anything online.”
“His parents don’t support him.”
“What?” Bea shrieks. “We know he doesn’t go back for Thanksgiving, but that’s…” She shakes her head in disbelief.
“They think he should be at the ranch instead of following his dream.”
“That’s bullshit,” she snaps.
“He’s left them behind. His family now are the team. But he doesn’t let them in, not really. He’s scared of losing them as well.”