52. Calvin
CALVIN
Sienna: I miss you too.
Istopped breathing the second I saw the dots bouncing. I thought my cell was playing games with me. I almost put it to sleep and gave up on getting a response. It hasn’t mattered how much I’ve stared at it the past few days; no dots have bounced, and no reply has come.
I’m not sure what I was expecting—maybe for her to tell me to stop bothering her and go away. But I wasn’t expecting that.
Sure, Bea has told me that Sienna’s hurting, that she’s missing me, but it’s different hearing it from her best friend.
Seeing those words, those four simple words, gives me hope that maybe, just maybe, I might be able to fix everything.
My hand holding my cell trembles as I scramble for a response.
Does she even want one?
She has to know me well enough by now to know I’ll be unable to leave it there.
Calvin: I’m so sorry I hurt you. It was never my intention.
I hesitate before hitting send. I don’t want to talk about this over message, but right now, it’s all I’ve got, and I’m going to give it my all.
I need her to understand; I need her to forgive me.
I need…I just need her. If I’m living my last few days in LA, then I’ll never forgive myself for spending them without her.
Finally, I hit that little triangle that sends my message straight to her.
It shows as read immediately.
My heart picks up speed, and my stomach knots—and it only gets tighter when she starts typing.
Sienna: Then, why did you?
Calvin: Because I was scared. I’m not that little boy anymore, and I was terrified that you’d be disappointed.
Being this open and vulnerable with her makes me nervous, but I know that I either need to embrace it, or I need to walk away. And the latter just isn’t an option.
Sienna: The only thing that’s disappointed me is you keeping this to yourself.
“Fucking hell.” I groan, feeling like a chastised child. How does the ‘I’m not angry, just disappointed’ line hit so hard, even as an adult?
Sienna: I’m also sorry that I didn’t recognize you. I promise, I never forgot you.
Calvin: I forgive you. A lot has changed in fifteen years.
Sienna: And yet some things are the same.
I stare at that message, trying to read between the lines. I want to believe that she means how she feels about me. About how easy our relationship is. But I don’t have any experience with relationships, and I’m aware that I could be very, very wrong.
Calvin: Like the way I feel about you. You blew me away back then, and you still do now. No one else has ever compared to you.
I hit send and then panic.
That really was too much.
Her reply doesn’t come as fast this time, and that only makes my anxiety spike more.
What happened to Play-It-Cool Killer, who never showed his sensitive side and always kept women at arm’s length?
Sienna happened.
Sienna: Now I know it’s you, a lot of things are starting to make sense.
Calvin: Like?
Play it cool, man.
Sienna: Like how spending time with you is as comfortable as being with an old friend.
“Fuck,” I breathe.
That’s a good sign, right?
Calvin: I’ve never wanted to spend time with anyone the way I do with you. I don’t even care what we’re doing. I just want to be near you.
Sienna: That’s a big statement for a man who usually only spends a few hours with a woman.
Regrets tumble through me.
Sienna: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it to sound quite like that.
Calvin: It’s true. No need to apologize. So is the fact that not a single one of them ever came anywhere close to you.
My heart races as it bleeds out. I wonder if hers is doing the same?
Or does she think I’m feeding her lines just like I have to the women who have come before?
Since she refused to talk during the long, torturous drive back from the park, I have no idea what she’s really thinking.
Bea might have hinted at a few things, but I don’t know for sure.
I need to see her. I need to look her in the eye and tell her how sorry I am. I need to explain properly and then pray that she understands and can forgive me.
Calvin: Can I see you?
Calvin: Please?
When two minutes pass and I still get no response, the panic really sets in.
Have I fucked this up again?
If I ever needed proof that I don’t know how to be in a relationship, then this is it.
Sienna is probably doing the right thing by cutting me out of her life.
Pain cuts through my chest, and an image of my parents and sisters fills my head.
Maybe it’s me. Maybe I always do the wrong thing.
My cell buzzes, thankfully putting an end to those self-deprecating thoughts.
Sienna: Soon.
My grip on my cell tightens. The need to ask, ‘how soon?’ or ‘can I come down now?’ is almost too much to ignore. But I have to. If I stand any chance of making things right with her, I need to follow her lead. Trying too hard will only push her away.
Calvin: I can’t wait.
Sienna: Goodnight, Calvin. Sleep well x
My eyes linger on that single kiss. Deep down, I know it’s probably just a friendly one. She probably puts it at the end of messages to Bea and her other friends as well. I shouldn’t read into it. But I really want to.
Calvin: Goodnight, Sienna. Sweet dreams xx
I let my arms drop to my sides as my body sinks deeper into the mattress.
I lie there staring up at the ceiling for the longest time, trying to come up with a plan. But without having any experience in these kinds of issues, I have no idea what I’m really doing. I’ve already fucked everything up enough; I don’t want to make it worse.
“I can’t believe the day has finally come,” Linc announces happily as he drops onto Rett’s couch with the smuggest fucking grin I’ve ever seen.
“Shut the fuck up,” I grunt.
They got back from their final road game last night, and after a stretch of Ws, Coach has given them the day off.
They’re all buzzing. The Vipers are sitting pretty at the top of the division, and things are looking pretty incredible.
I’m happy for them, but I’m also jealous as hell.
I want to be on that ice with them, soaking up the success of what could be the Vipers’ best season in a very long time.
We almost did it last season—we were in touching distance of the Cup.
But it wasn’t to be. I’m not sure how I’m going to feel if they go all the way this season without me.
“I’m sorry, I just didn’t have giving Killer relationship advice on my bingo card anytime soon,” Linc teases.
“Just so you know, the only person’s advice I really want is Monroe’s; he just happened to be here, hanging out with you idiots.”
“Oh, burn.” Rett laughs as he hands cans of soda out while Monroe sets up a game on Rett’s Xbox.
“You all know I have the best advice,” he says proudly.
“I still can’t believe you’ve been secretly pining for the same woman since you were a kid,” Linc adds.
“Because that’s really so hard to believe?” Rett states, his brows practically hitting his hairline. “What was it you said to me when I found out about you and Parker? ‘She’s been the one for me for as long as I can remember.’ Pretty sure I got that word-for-word.”
Linc glares pure hate at his best friend. “I’m not suggesting the concept is absurd, I’m suggesting it’s almost unbelievable for Killer.”
I’m not sure whether I should be offended by that.
“I’ve just never seen him serious about anything before. Lusting after a woman for over fifteen years—”
“It’s romantic and proves that she’s the one,” Monroe pipes up. “And the stargazing date was a—”
“Disaster?” I interrupt, making them all chuckle.
Honestly, I’m not sure why I thought to come here. I’d probably be better off finding one of those girly magazines my sisters used to read with the advice column, which was full of bullshit suggestions about your first crush.
“Okay, yeah, in the context you used it, disaster, but it had the potential to be incredibly romantic.”
“Wait…Is Sienna the reason for your tattoo?” Rett asks. “That’s a constellation, isn’t it?”
I hate the way my face heats, but I don’t have the power to stop it.
“Aw, Calvin Keller is an old romantic, who knew?” Linc mocks.
“Fuck you all,” I grunt, willing my embarrassment to fade. I think I preferred it when they had woman issues, and I was able to stay the fuck out of it.
They all chuckle as Linc steals the second controller from the coffee table, getting ready to play.
“So, where are we with this Sienna thing now, then? She’s still not talking to you?” Monroe asks.
“They’re messaging,” Rett says. Things are clearly getting back to him through Bea.
Does he know more than he’s letting on?
I narrow my eyes at him, and he mouths, ‘What?’
I shake my head—his loyalties lie with Bea, and rightly so. He won’t tell me anything I shouldn’t know.
“That’s a good thing, right?”
“Yeah.” I groan, dragging my hand down my face. “Messaging is a good thing. I just…I want to see her. It’s been like, a year already.”
“Have you suggested a meeting?” Linc asks.
“She keeps saying soon. But when is soon? The holidays are soon; is it gonna be before she leaves for her parents’, or do I have to wait until the new year?”
“If we’re going by what you probably deserve …” Linc's voice trails off as he quickly digs his cell out of his pocket. “Take over,” he states, throwing Rett the controller before answering his call and wandering to the kitchen.
“Hey, man. Is everything—” Something in his tone has me looking over. “We’re at Rett’s. Yeah. Yeah, of course. See you in a few.”
“Who was that?” Rett asks the second Linc hangs up.
“Kodie. He and Handsy are on their way.”
My brows pinch. It’s not unusual for Handsy to hang out with us, although it’s gotten significantly less since he has Freya at home to play with instead of us. But Kodie…Kodie never hangs out. He’s too busy with Casey or Sutton.
“Why?” I blurt.
“He didn’t say.”
We all look at each other suspiciously, and the dread I’ve been living with returns tenfold.
At the same time, we all grab our cells and begin scrolling, but nothing has been announced. It’s just the usual gossip and speculation.
Thankfully, we don’t have to wait too long to find out what’s happening, because not five minutes later, Rett’s buzzer goes off.
He goes to greet our new additions while I force myself to watch Monroe and Linc—who stole the controller back—battle it out on screen. I try to focus on it, I really do, but I have a suspicion of what’s about to happen, and I don’t fucking like it.
“Hey, man, what’s going on?” Linc asks as Kodie marches into the room like he owns the place. His expression is tight, frustration rolling off him in waves.
The game is paused, and nothing but silence and anticipation fill the air.
“Coach called me. The deal is done, and the news will be dropping in the next hour. Cooper Nash is coming to LA.”