Chapter 28
KILINA
B lood over love, isn’t that right? The thought beat into my head over and over again.
It had to end.
That was how I had to justify it in my head so that I could take the next step. The next breath. Why did I fall for the one girl I never could have? And why was I more mature at fourteen than now?
I stood next to the firepit, staring at the small fire I had stocked. The Raven emblem on the uniform glowed before it melted into the flames. My stare was so intense I didn’t hear approaching footsteps.
When I looked up at who it was, they just stared back blankly. “Hmm?”
“I said, can you log us into the security server?”
“Hmmm,” I nodded. I poked the fire with a stick. Couldn’t I get a moment alone?
“You shouldn’t be standing.” My older brother dragged me into a seat next to where he sat, too close to the fire. His knees were almost in the flames at his proximity to the flames, so it must feel like his kneecaps were melting, but then again, Terrence did always throw himself headfirst into taking interest in the interests of others. His melting knees were the closest I’d get to an ‘I love you.’ It was the Karstein way. The same way that I hadn’t not noticed the rupture of my wound seeping blood into my shirt until now.
“Did she really leave?” He finally said.
I sighed. “Yeah.”
“That’s tough.”
Real insightful and inspiring words. Thanks, brother. I wanted to quip, but he didn’t deserve that. I made my bed.
Instead of saying anything, my eyes drifted from the firepit to the seats around it. The night that Neenan and Laney were sitting here painting each other's nails felt more distant than the mere weeks it was. Things were so different. It was hard to believe only a day had passed.
“She seemed nice,” he offered, but I knew his true feelings. Her name alone had him believing good riddance, he was just too kind to me to say it. For that, I was grateful. There were no victors in conflict, both sides always lose something. Or everything.
I grimaced for her. I couldn’t stand to think of her much longer. “What did you want again?”
He cleared his throat. “The previous security head officer installed a kill safe that erased all data from the common server so we can only access the one in the security office, but it’s encrypted.” It was the Cove. Laney. I wanted to throw my head into the fire. “Do you know how to access it?”
“I have a log in, but I can’t guarantee it’ll work.” I attempted to sound more enthused, but it just came out plain. Prodding the fire aimlessly with a stick, it dawned on me. The security office. Our security office. Wait. No. “Can we pull the computer from the office?”
He looked at me perplexed and hesitated a response. “I don’t think that’s necessary, we should leave it like the former head of sec–”
“Please.”
“Kilina, we can’t unplug things.” Our eyes met, an orange hue coating our skin. “Why don’t you want to go in there?”
“Just don’t like dark spaces.” I muttered.
“Huh?”
“Nothing. I got it.” I threw the stick into the fire and walked away. “Let’s go.”
When I got to the office it wasn’t empty. A figure sat in the shadows of the dark room, only the glare of the screen silhouetted his head giving him a halo that he definitely didn’t deserve.
“Well, I’m here.” I announced with a sigh.
“Cheerful too.”
Irvine Karstein swung the chair around to face me, stood and let me replace where he’d been seated before leaning over so close we shared breath.
I forced out a cough. “Space.”
Dad inched back and punched at the keyboard. “Show me how to get onto this godforsaken computer, Kilina.”
“You couldn’t ask the other informants you sent after me.”
“They’re not you.” He stroked my hair. “You might not think so, but I care for my daughter.”
I pursed my lips with a raised eyebrow. “The others didn’t get past initiation?”
“Well, the rest weren’t cosying up to the boss’ daughter.”
Can’t argue there. Even if the thought pushed me further toward the edge of something tall. Turning my gaze to the screen, I saw the angry red text that had rejected my dad’s attempts at surpassing the interface.
The same red text flashed when I input my log in. Strange.
I tried again.
Red.
I slammed my hand on the desk in frustration. “What are you even looking for? What do you need this for?”
“During the Union we kept tapes of everything, every angle that you could view this estate was covered by CCTV and backed up in a file log. In it, we can find leverage, blackmail, what have yous but also—”
“The tape of the fire.”
“Exactly.” Daddy said as he leaned closer, breathing heavier. I threw my shoulder back, but he just clamped a hand down on it and held me still.
“Those files are kept in the Cove.”
I tried once more .
Rejected.
Hmmm, I didn’t have high clearance. I casted my mind back to training but only fantasies of Laney and I walking into this very office popped in my head. God, I missed the distraction .
If only I knew Laney’s password. She created the Cove which held all the top priority surveillance files and data that would be essential to sealing the Ravencroft fate. That was what Dad was after, and as I typed in Laney’s credentials, he yelled, “Yes!” close to my ear. I tried my best to suppress a flinch.
The only problem was that I didn’t have the password. I was a bit too distracted the last time I was here. My numerous attempts flashed red in my face. I tried her favourite books, members of the Ravencroft family, her friends. Her first pet’s name. Me.
With each attempt, a red glow penetrated my sight.
I pictured Laney in my head, fighting hard to not think too much about the wrong things in front of my dad. This security office. The back garden. The feel of her breath on my ear at target practice. The plume of the Egyptian cotton of her sheets. My hand on her throat. Trailing my lips on her skin down the valley of her breasts. Her skin. Her tattoo. Tattoos.
On the inside of her wrist was a date in roman numerals.
V/V/MMI
I typed it in. Wrong.
Dad groaned.
“You know you’re not helping, right?” I snapped.
He just grumbled but thankfully, stepped back.
I tried the date again but only using numbers. Wrong. Then the date in words. Wrong. It was her birthdate. “My mother died in childbirth.” No, it was her mother’s death date.
I typed: Mother2001
Wrong.
Then, after a few combinations, I typed: VVMama1
Bingo.
★
The victorious feeling didn’t arrive the next morning, it just felt like it was yesterday. Before my family ransacked the entire place and took it over. The hallways went in the same directions, the gaps between the windows still let in a draft, and a parent ate breakfast with their child on the front facing balcony.
“We can’t keep him much longer.”
“He doesn’t deserve the mercy of death. Let him struggle to breathe a bit longer.”
“Kil, his presence holds us back from properly starting over. A clean slate. He wouldn’t think twice if it were you.”
“There’s time.” I dismissed.
“He can barely stutter a word. Darling, his condition is worsening by the hour, keeping him alive just means more urine all over the floor. I’d rather we end his miserable life than mother nature be the one.”
“I guess.”
“And I want you to do it.”
My head snapped up. “No!” Death had ruined the innocent more than the guilty, and even then, I wouldn’t take the opportunity away from Laney or my dad. God, he had to hide his family because of him. He deserved this. “I can’t do it. I won’t.”
“This was your one mission. As far as I’m concerned it still hasn’t ended until his elimination.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want another death on my hands.”
“And you think I do? I don’t enjoy this. I didn’t want this. This war started with them. End. It.”
“What about their revenge, Dad?” I burst out. “Did you even think about that? They killed us, so we killed them, is that how it works! Is that justice? We’ll just end up in a cycle of killing and revenge. You taught me to be strong. How to defend myself. But I always end up broken. I don’t want to be a killer. I don’t want to be responsible for it anymore. God, if you only knew the abuse that I’ve suffered for this family.”
Heat rose to the surface of my skin, as I writhed my hands together with such vigour I shook the table.
“Oh, don’t look so guilty now.” He slammed his hand on the table. “What’s changed, huh? You feel sympathy for the poor sod.” His hand waved in the air with heavy strokes. “You lost your strength in this house, girl. Is that it? You lost your heart here?”
“Never.”
“Then end it.”
I bit the inside of my cheek and placed both hands on the table as I stood, but he stood just as fast and grabbed a fistful of my jacket, keeping me in place and far too close.
“This house made you soft, Kil? The Ravencrofts made you weak?” He spat. “Or was it the Ravencroft girl?” I clenched my fist. “Disgusting that you would give her a second glance. You should know better. I could hardly believe your mother when she told me.” He tapped a finger on my chest, over my heart. “Did you spend so much time between the legs of the enemy that you forgot that you have Karstein blood in your veins? Sucked your clit so hard that you screamed ‘Ravencroft’ at your climax?”
My hand covered my mouth to withhold the vomit that sprung up from my stomach. It was mostly stomach acid, and it burned. I’d mostly lost my appetite since the raid and takeover. With his words in my head, I was sure to not eat for the rest of the week.
“Ravencroft pussy clouded your judgement.” He concluded with a sharp nod. “Don’t let her near me when I see her, or she’ll share a fate like her father’s.”
“She’s already gone.”
He seemed surprised but was no less stern. “Good.” I almost breathed a sigh of relief, but I could tell from a glint in his eye that daddy wasn’t finished. “Unless,” he turned to face me, eye to eye, “You kill him. Then I won’t harm a single hair on her head.” He held up his pinky to me.
“Fine.” I stepped away. “But in my own time. Let him suffer.”
“Kilina!” He shouted after me, but I was already back inside.
Later that night, I stood outside the cell where Richard Ravencroft laid. The smell was pungent, and a dampness clung to the walls. Otherwise, there was relative quiet in the dungeon. This was the first time I’d been down here.
My back slid down the wall opposite his room until it met the cold concrete, and I moved a gun from hand to hand across my lap. It wasn’t like I was fighting some moral battle in my mind, more so, I was juggling a sense of justice. For both my family and my– Laney.
She was gone. I didn’t need to factor her into the goings on in the house anymore, but I felt I owed her. There was an innocence to her presence here, as if she was a prisoner in this place. Her existence was tied to this house. I wanted her to experience life outside of it.
But really, I needed her safe. Daddy had made it clear that there was no place in this house for a Ravencroft. Her home wasn’t hers anymore. Her existence couldn’t be defined by it. God, I missed her .
Now that the ultimate goal of the Karstein mission had been fulfilled, it was like something in me was left unsatisfied. A pit in my gut that I thought would rejoice at our victory, but it was an incomplete circle, the pit floor descending lower than rock bottom.
An hour passed before I came out of my thoughts, Malachi stood light on his toes looking through the small window of the cell door. When he fell back on his heel, he noticed me waking from my mind.
“Isn’t it cool?”
My eyebrows tightened inward.
His lifted. “Having the enemy in the palm of your hand? Isn’t that thrilling?”
“Well,” I shrugged. “It’s not my first.”
“Too true, Kil, you were our breadwinner.”
One side of my mouth lifted but it was sad. All my life I threw myself into these missions, swearing up and down that I was capable, and I was, yet I always thought I’d find some relief from completing each mission. However, after each job, I returned emptier than the last time and already itching for the next one.
Maybe next time. After this one. When it’s done.
None of those words brought me comfort. I hung my head between my shoulders.
“So, like,” Malachi began, “Aim for the head?”
I jumped up. “What?!” Then, I saw the gun in his hand. “No.”
“It’s my job!”
“Well, Daddy thinks you’re kinda slacking at your job, so he sent me.” He seemed oddly proud of that.
I covered his hand on the gun with mine. “You can’t.”
“But–”
“No, not yet.” No solid reason came to me, just that it didn’t feel right. “Let him suffer a bit more.”
“Come on, Kil, he’s basically braindead in there.” He swung the gun around carelessly out of my grip.
“Hey, hey,” I held up my hands. “Malachi, careful, I will take care of it.”
“Kilina, Daddy lost his patience with you. You already failed the family by not shooting him already. It could’ve been a far less bloody takeover if you had.”
“Don’t tell me that!” My voice fraught with desperation. “You don’t understand.”
“You know,” He interrupted. “I always thought I’d have to psyche myself up more to take a life, but there’s no weight on my shoulders here.” His eyes darkened as his shoulders paralleled mine. “You know why?”
Can I be anywhere else, please. I didn’t respond.
“He didn’t think twice about us.”
My eyes fell shut. I knew the truth.
“Flicked that match like it was an ordinary Tuesday afternoon. Should we ask grandmother what she thinks about this?”
“No,” I mumbled.
“That’s right, I can’t, because she’s fucking dead. You saw the tape.”
That woke me up. “Malachi, Malachi, I can do it. Please, just give me one day.”
“I don’t trust you.” He admitted. Our eyes met. Malachi had always had faith in me, his disbelief pulled a needle from a grenade and a tear fell from my eye.
“One day,” I promised. “One day and his guts will be five miles away from his head. Please.”
“Okay.”
The gun clattered on the floor and discharged on contact.
I didn’t scream. Barely flinched. The bullet clinked on the concrete. Through blurred vision, I saw Malachi walk away from me. The disappointment crushing.