Chapter 4
HRAD
Ihave never met someone so talkative. It’s like she needs to fill every silence, yet she is filling it with information. Telling me about the ship and how it works as if there’s nothing to worry about.
I am not a cloud-seeker. I would never get on a ship to sail the stars the way her people did.
While every adventure carries risks, there are some that I am not willing to take.
I’m sure I could refuse this voyage, but then one of my mated brothers would need to take my place, and I cannot do that to them.
Alisha tucks a strand of dark hair behind her ear. “I need to finish my checks, but you’re welcome to stick around…just don’t touch anything.”
She points at all the buttons and levers and screens in what she called the cockpit.
I understand most of what the humans say, but every so often there is a word that makes no sense.
Cockpit is one of them. This part of the ship has nothing to do with cocks or mating equipment. Nor is it a hole in the ground.
I’m tempted to ask, but I do not want to be discussing those things.
It is bad enough that mates were mentioned.
I expected her to say something or do something to imply that she was interested.
Human women either make their availability clear, or they sneer as though I am something unworthy of their attention. In a Honey tribe, that would be true.
She stands and I follow her out of the cockpit, not wanting her to think I am tampering with her ship. It is clear that it is hers, and that she takes her responsibility seriously. Which I appreciate, as I do not want to fall out of the sky.
When she sees that I’m following, she gives me a nod and then continues to point out things about the ship as if believing I am staying to learn more. In part, I am, as I want to unravel the knot of fear within my chest. Already it has loosened.
While I do not like to admit it, there is a small part of me that fears running into another tribe.
I do not fear death, as that is how all lives end, and I have lived far longer than many banished warriors.
I think it is the fear that I have merely survived and not lived.
There is a difference because I have seen it in my brothers, and I have glimpsed what it is like to live in the colony.
There is no scramble for food and water and shelter, and I can sleep without worrying that I will be found and killed while wrapped in my blankets.
The first time that tension eased was when we crossed the sea, but I did not recognize it at the time.
The months living on this continent opened my eyes to the life that banished warriors are denied for being born the fourth son.
She moves through the cargo hold, checking that every crate is secure, and marks items off on her tablet.
When we exit the ship, the stars are out.
I take a moment to stare up at the sky and appreciate them; while also hoping I do not join them too soon before remembering they are suns, not the fires of banished warriors. Can they be both?
“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Alisha stands next to me; face tilted to the sky. My parents said the sky on Earth was so polluted no one could see the stars.” She glances at me. “Too much light from the cities and smog in the sky.”
The colony has a few lights scattered around the perimeter, but otherwise it is blanketed in darkness. Keeping the lights on all the time uses too much electricity. They do not seem to know about oil lamps and candles.
“Do you know which stars the other two human ships were heading toward?”
She pauses for a moment and turns before pointing at a constellation we refer to as the Loom. “LSP4 is the star at the bottom point…and the other one is…” She turns again and points to the Bowl constellation. “LSP7 is in the middle. When did you learn about the other two ships?”
“It was one of the lessons. Do you know whether they made it?”
“No. I don’t know if people are still living on Earth either.” She shrugs. “Maybe they managed to save it, or maybe only the cockroaches survived.”
I frown.
“They are a kind of insect…did that translate badly?”
“It did not translate at all, and I could not make a guess.”
“It’s kind of weird thinking about it. How a bunch of people volunteered to leave Earth and try again. We were told the planets selected had no people.”
“Does that mean you found other planets that have people?”
Her eyebrows pull together. “I guess so. Or perhaps they are filled with giant predators or carnivorous plants or something else dangerous to humans. You weren’t worried about that when you crossed the ocean?”
“We were aware of the creatures in the ocean. We didn’t know what we might find on this continent, only that a star had fallen and chasing that was a better idea than waiting to die.”
“I guess that’s what my parents thought too. Better to do something than nothing.” She shoves her hands into her pockets. “Can I ask a question?”
I tilt my head in agreement.
“Why haven’t you chosen a mate? It can’t be for lack of volunteers.” From the lift of her eyebrows, it’s clear she expects an answer.
I press my lips together and draw in a breath. Is this where she volunteers? Perhaps I should’ve expected that.
“Or do you prefer male mates?” Alisha continues, unaware of my turmoil.
“Men cannot be mates. There is no mating bond, but strong attachments often form.” Orik and Vari found a happiness that I admit to being jealous of.
They share an affection that I have never found and do not remember.
Having heard tales about my brothers’ lives, the way I was raised did not do me any kindness, even though my tribe believes it best.
“Oh…male lovers then?”
I frown. “I have only had male lovers, so I cannot tell you which I prefer. I will not choose on this voyage and go into rut if that is what concerns you.”
She smiles, showing her teeth for a heartbeat before sealing her lips. “That wasn’t my concern. You don’t seem like the kind of person who’d jeopardize a mission. I was trying to get to know you better.”
My eyebrows pull together.
Humans might consider her pretty with her dark hair and eyes, strong nose and golden skin.
And while I am accustomed to seeing humans all the time, her eyes seem too small for her face, even though her gaze is thoughtful and her profile sharp.
However, the smallness of her eyes does not affect her ability to see details.
That she commands a ship speaks of her leadership and her skills as a pilot.
Beauty does not last, but character does.
I am surprised that she has not chosen a human man or been chosen by one.
But then, by her own admission, she does not seem to be interested.
I hope that the other women on this expedition are just as uninterested and that the men do not create trouble.
I am happy to be ignored and offer my advice only when it is sought.
Perhaps they will not need me on the second or third trip to the mainland.
But if I am not needed in the colony, or on their research trips, where do I belong?
While my brothers do not exclude me, their lives are moving on.
It would be easier if I could say what I want.
Because I look at them and their happiness, and I worry that I am missing out.
But then I remember Sunif talking about suffering after the loss of his first mate, and I do not want that.
So I am stuck, unable to choose a direction, which makes me easy prey for scavengers. I am known for my raid planning…yet I cannot plan my life. I shrug. “There is not much to know.”
“Everyone has stories and secrets they want to keep.”
I’m not sure I have any secrets, at least not with my brothers. Secrets get people killed. “And what secrets are you keeping?”
Her eyes are bright as she smiles. “They wouldn’t be a secret if I told you.”
I’m not sure if she’s saying that to encourage me to talk or if she truly has secrets. I doubt she harbors secrets that might endanger the mission.
Is she wondering if I do? Do I harbor a secret desire to return to my tribe, taking a human woman an exchange for being given a place? I remember little of my tribe as I grew up away from them. Why should I give them anything when they gave me nothing?
Do I want to live among the Honey? Perhaps. But if I join another tribe, I will be considered an outsider as I am not one of them. I will need to prove myself in an effort to carve out a place to call home.
Perhaps some people never find a place to call home. I glance up at the sky, at the distant suns, trying to marry the human truth about the sky with the truth I learned as a child.
Does it matter if they are the distant fires of the banished who have gone before, or if they are suns giving life to other worlds? Perhaps when I die, I will walk among the stars. But I may not find a home there either.
“Why do you look sad when you look up at the sky?” she asks.
How do I explain everything to a human who came from one of those faraway worlds? Whose technology I could never have even dreamed about?
“Because sometimes it is better to honor the lie than face the truth.”
“And what is the truth?”
“That there is no one waiting for me when I die.”
“There is no one waiting for any of us.” She scuffs her boot in the dirt.
“Fuck that got grim fast. Until we landed here, I’d never flown a real ship, and since we landed all, I’ve done is hop around this continent moving supplies, equipment, and people.
This is the first time I’ve flown a mission into what some people call enemy territory.
” She glances up from the line she was drawing in the dirt.
“I’m not calling you the enemy. I want to learn more about your people.
Your kind lives here, and have done for…
forever? We should be trading and learning and helping each other.
But not everyone agrees. This is a small step, and the only one that was agreed on.
” She sighs, her hands still in her pockets.
“I guess my secret is that I am nervous about overseeing this mission. I don’t want to lose people or equipment.
I shouldn’t be admitting that to you, since you’re nervous about flying. ”
“You have never led a mission, and I have never flown…it is normal to fear the unknown.”
She gives a small laugh and shakes her head. “You said nothing during the mission planning meeting.”
“There was nothing for me to add. Tiril did a good job in selecting the location. You are in charge of the flight path that takes us away from tribes instead of flying the shorter route over them. The scientists know what equipment they need. I am here in case there is trouble. That is all.”
“So you agree with the mission?”
I don’t, but I understand why the humans are doing it this way.
There are too many humans who view the Honey tribes as a threat, believing the human colony will be overrun with banished warriors wanting a mate if it is discovered.
There are those who think we are primitive because we do not have human technology, then there are humans who understand that when the technology breaks, they will need Honey skills.
“Should I take your silence as a diplomatic, no?”
“I’m not sure why the scientists need soil and rock samples from the mainland when there is so much land here.
” If the humans believe the mainland is better, will they invade?
Are my people at risk? And if they are, do I owe them my loyalty?
Do I warn them? I hesitate, but as I have already started on the truth, I may as well continue.
“Setting up cameras to watch is sneaky and dishonest. It is more honorable to greet a tribe as equals.”
“But you’re coming, anyway.”
Refusing was not an option I considered. “I was ordered to. The same way you were ordered to fly.”
“The flying bit is easy.” She sighs. “Guess we should head back and grab dinner. It’s an early start tomorrow.” She turns and closes the door to the cargo hold. “If you walk me into the dining hall, people will talk.”
“People talk regardless, but if you do not want to be caught up in gossip, you can go first, and I will wait.”
She pulls a face, curling the corner of her lip and scrunching her nose. “I’m not going to ask you to wait. Come on.”
She starts walking, and I follow, catching up in a few strides.
She seems unbothered to be seen with me, and she has not made a play for my attention, but I cannot shake the feeling that beneath her smiles and laughter there is something else going on.
I recognize another raid planner when I see one.
Someone who thinks ahead and examines all the options, seeking the most advantage.
I need to remember we are on the same side and want the same thing: to return home after a successful raid.