14. The Brain Trust
CHAPTER 14
THE brAIN TRUST
JOANIE
T hat went exactly not as planned. Last night I’d mostly accepted that there was probably a good explanation for Colin hiding his modeling from me. I mean, just because I can’t think of one doesn’t mean there isn’t one.
I was going to laugh it off, tease him a little about some of the more unhinged books he was featured on, and then move on. I had a plan. But maybe I didn’t realize how profoundly pissed off I am. And the worst part is that I still love the big jackass.
I need reinforcements. My brain—and my heart—are spiraling. I start a group chat to Meredith and Ivy.
Me: Need help. Big dummy fucked up.
Meredith: Are you the big dummy or Colin?
Ivy: Obviously, it’s Colin. It’s always the guy who’s a big dummy.
Me: That’s an over generalization. Who hurt you?
Ivy: ...
Meredith: What do you need?
Me: Time and space to rant. Preferably with ice cream and gin.
Ivy: What is it with you and gin?
Me: Smells like grandma’s kisses.
Meredith: We’ll be at your place in 30.
The tightness in my chest loosens a fraction when I hear the knock on my door precisely thirty minutes later. Meredith gives me a perfunctory side hug and a pat on the head. “There, there.” That might be the best I’ll get out of her, but I didn’t ask her over for squishy hugs. I need to pick her brain.
Ivy, on the other hand, squeezes the living stuffing out of me. It’s like having an angel and devil on my shoulder, or maybe those two old dudes from The Muppets.
We order pizza and crack open the gin. Ivy makes us gin martinis using the dusty bottle of vermouth she found in my cabinet, pouring them into my Powerpuff Girls collectible glasses. “I’m no Dale, but these will have to do.”
I take a sip, and the gin singes my nose hairs. “Yep, don’t quit your day job. But thanks for this.” I toast her with my glass. I’m proud of how completely together I am. Look at me, joking around and socializing. Ready to have a serious session with my brain trust.
Then I burst into tears. It’s like the little assholes have been waiting for my ass to hit the couch before making an appearance.
“Oh, sweetie.” Ivy wraps me in a big hug. Meredith awkwardly pats my shoulder.
“It’s fine. I’m fine. Everything’s fine.” I sniffle, take a big gulp of my martini, and start coughing.
“Clearly,” Meredith says. “Start at the beginning.”
I tell them about how Colin has always looked familiar, and about the bookstore, and the disastrous conversation we had today.
Ivy’s mouth hangs open the whole time. “Where’s the book? I want to see this cover.” I don’t know why I hesitate. It’s a book cover for fuck’s sake, it’s not like I’d be violating his privacy. But something about modeling bothers Colin, even if he’s too much of a jackass to tell me. And if he didn’t want me to know, would he be hurt if I showed the book to my friends?
I don’t get the chance to decide because Meredith is up off the couch and looking around. She doesn’t have to go far because the book is on my dining room table. I sat there most of last night and stared at it. It’s possible I also had a conversation with it.
“Holy hard body, Joanie. This is Colin? It barely looks like him.” Meredith tilts her head and squints. “Maybe around the cheekbones and eyes. But I would’ve guessed this is Colin’s younger cousin.” Ivy stares at the cover over Meredith’s shoulder, her expression pinched.
“This guy is hot, but he’s no Colin.” A tiny vein of jealousy forms in my stomach. Or maybe that’s the gin. “But I can see why he wouldn’t want to tell you.”
“Then can you explain it to me? I thought I knew him.” I throw up my arms, almost spilling my martini, which wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen.
Meredith rolls her eyes at me. “You still know him. Do you know every last bit of his history? No. Should he have told you? Yes. But we all know Colin—he doesn’t have a malicious bone in his body.”
“No, those are all reserved for you, my dear.” Ivy smiles and lays a smacking kiss on Meredith’s cheek before scooting away. Meredith smiles like she enjoys the assessment.
The pizza arrives and we get sidetracked watching the first half of “Legally Blonde.” As Meredith pulls three individual pints of ice cream out of the freezer, the Colin conversation starts up again.
“You need to talk to him. Our collective minds can come up with a million different reasons for why he kept this from you, but the only way to get answers is to sit him down and hash it out.” Meredith is always the logical one, and I love her for it.
Ivy leans over and gently puts her hand on my knee. “And you have to ask yourself a couple questions. How do you feel about him? And are those feelings deep enough to weather this? I mean, don’t play this down...he hid something from you. But in the course of a relationship, people are going to fuck up. You need to figure out if this is his usual MO or if it was one singular mistake.”
I take a deep breath before taking a heaping bite of ice cream. “I’ll talk to him, and I promise to keep an open mind.”
“Maybe let him stew for a few days,” Meredith says. I appreciate the petty, but I don’t know if I can last that long without talking to him or seeing him. I hate this unsettled feeling in my chest, like there’s a piece missing. And I hate how my brain is filling in the blanks that he won’t.
Maybe after a good night’s sleep I’ll have a better plan. Otherwise, I’ll just eat more ice cream.