Chapter Thirty-Four
Fox
That morning, I’d made the mistake of announcing to Haze that I’d unloaded and loaded the dishwasher and wiped down the kitchen surfaces.
“Do you want a fucking medal? For doing the bare minimum? Imagine being me. Do you have any idea what it’s like to have a human baby gnawing at you?
Do you realize how exhausting it is? Why couldn’t you have the babies?
Why does nature hate women? It’s our bodies that bear the children, and then we have to sodding feed them!
Why should we then also be loaded up with the domestic shit you avoid by being lucky enough to leave the house!
You cleaning this house is the least you could do after all I’ve been through bearing YOUR children. ”
I’d tried offering to hire a cleaner, and she’d shouted that with everything else we had going on, we didn’t even have the time to find one—and if I wasn’t such a selfish pig, I would already know that.
Then she threw a dog toy at my head. But it was one of the soft ones, so I knew she wasn’t really trying to hurt me.
I’d backed out of the house shouting that I loved her, that I appreciated her, and that I’d bring her back treats.
All I could think about was how if this was the reaction she had to me being insensitive about housework, what kind of hell would be unleashed when I broke it to her I’d been secretly talking to her father?
I was in a taxi five minutes away from my office when I saw Jenny. She was holding a takeout coffee and walking down Park Lane. Was she coming to see me? I rang her cell phone.
She answered on the second ring.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
“Fox? I’m with my mum. I just got to theirs, as they need help with getting some things down from the loft.”
“I see.” I frowned as I kept staring at her departing back.
“I can’t come meet you guys anywhere right now.”
“Right. Okay. Don’t worry—I was just checking if Haze had filled you in on my meeting.” I outlined the Norwood and Restore Glory link.
“She told me last night. I’ll look into Norwood in case there’s any reason he’s come to you as a client.”
I hung up and watched as she turned the corner. It was definitely Jenny. She was even wearing the same blue-and-white spotted raincoat that Haze was always ribbing her about, saying she dressed like a “fucking toddler.”
Why had she just lied to me?
—
“You must’ve got her confused with someone else,” said Haze. “Jenny wouldn’t lie about where she was.”
I’d told her about seeing Jenny as soon as I got home.
Despite my repeated assurances that it really was Jenny, she had brushed it off, saying I’d been mistaken.
She was so certain it made me unsure of myself.
Maybe it was just a woman wearing the same ugly coat, and my mind had presumed it had to be Jenny?
Haze was more interested in the Tupperware box of leftover cookies and croissants from yesterday’s Norwood meeting than she was in wondering if her best friend had lied to me.
Richard had insisted I take them all home, explaining that his four kids were “mental enough without all that sugar.” Haze ate three of the cookies as I kept staring at the box, imagining how good they tasted.
Haze shrugged. “None of it makes sense. Jenny thinks we need to work out who in our lives could be in a position to report on what we’ve been doing.”
I considered this. “I can’t think of anyone who would know everything about us. It’s not like we go around telling people our business.”
Haze was reaching for a fourth biscuit, but she stopped. “What about someone you started seeing in the last few months? Someone you’ve opened up to?”
I frowned. “I don’t get who—”
And then I did.
Haze folded her arms as she stared at me.
I gulped. “Sally? Don’t be ridiculous. She’s a licensed therapist!”
“How did you find her?”
“I…Her business card came through our office door. I think it was a kind of advertising mailout.”
“You chose a therapist from junk mail?” It didn’t sound great when she put it like that.
“I was having a dark moment. And then, bam-clatter, the letterbox went. I got up and went to pick it up, and there it was. I thought it was a sign.”
“A sign from fucking who? The God you don’t even believe in? Or the devil watching us?!” Haze stood up from the table.
“I wasn’t thinking straight! I mean, you’re right, I didn’t look into her like maybe I should have.
I just rang the number and booked an appointment, and that was it.
” I ran a hand through my hair. Was Haze right?
Had I been opening up to our biggest enemy?
“Her office was a five-minute walk from mine. I went and met her once, and she seemed nice, and it kind of clicked. So I kept going back.”
“What does she know about us?”
“Nothing!” I mentally scanned back over my sessions with her.
“Okay, well, everything except the whole killing thing.” I tried to think how bad a breach it would be if Sally was part of this big bad plot against us.
I’d opened up to her about all my insecurities.
She’d tried to make me question Haze. She’d made me feel that I was underappreciated. Had she weaponized my feelings?
“Did you tell her about Jenny?”
“Of course I told her about Jenny. I mean, just that she’s your best friend. I only spoke about how that made me feel. Never about her being police. Never about working together.”
“Are you—” Haze stopped. “And how does Jenny being my best friend make you feel?”
Be open. Be honest. Sally’s voice was in my head.
But was that good-therapist advice, or was that potential-evil-therapist advice?
I went for it. “It makes me feel left out sometimes.”
Haze scoffed. “Fox, come on. Really? You feel threatened by her? After everything we’ve been through?”
I put my head in my hands. “It was always you, me, and the bad men. That was our thing. What bonded us even further together. I guess…Having her share in that too, it feels like she’s entered sacred territory.”
“We needed her! Remember? And she’s been so helpful. We have—”
“I know all that! Practically, I know all that. I love Jenny. She’s been amazing—for everything she’s done for us as a family, for how she supports you.
I know all that. But I can still sometimes find it tough.
” I took a breath. My feelings are valid.
My feelings are valid. I wasn’t totally sure whether I’d said that out loud.
“And really, if we’re talking about someone involved in our lives who could give away everything on us, have you considered the fact that she’s a top candidate? ”
Haze laughed. “Jenny? You really think Jenny is betraying us?”
I didn’t know what I was saying, but it could make sense. “She lied about being in London today. I saw her. I know it was her. Why would she do that?”
“She told you she was with her parents, so she must’ve been. You’re the one who’s been all over the place, so sorry if I don’t believe you.”
My wife wasn’t taking my word for it. Had I really lost her trust when it came to my mental state? She was choosing to believe Jenny over me.
“Think about it! Who better to be reporting on us? She knows everything! Not the watered-down, censored version of events I give Sally.” I tried to talk myself into it. “She’s had a taste of criminal life, and now she wants more!”
Haze was still looking at me blankly.
“Don’t you see? She only gets a small percentage of what we make,” I continued.
Whenever we killed a man who had useful stocks and shared information, like Clark Dixon, Jenny got a percentage of the profit. We were a team, and it was her payment for everything she did to help us take out the target.
“Maybe she’s got greedy! She’ll soon have two kids to support, and that’s not cheap!”
“Jenny would never give us up. Besides, she couldn’t—not without reporting on herself. I trust her. With everything.”
“What if she was offered a deal? With the police? Or one of the gangs? She could’ve set us up in Ivrea for them.”
I knew I was grasping. But I couldn’t bear the idea that I had brought more trouble to our door. That my weakness at needing to seek out professional help could’ve flung us further into the deep.
“The other night, with Danny—Jenny was the one who told me to head out there. It was her lead, remember?”
Haze kept staring at me. “And exactly why would she be doing all this?”
“Maybe she’s scared of going to prison, of getting caught, and so she’s sacrificing us for her own safety.”
“You’re being ridiculous. Jenny is family. She’s in this with us. She has just as much to lose if we get exposed.”
“No, we lose more! We’re the killers; she’s just the help. They’d let her off to betray us!” I jabbed my finger at her.
“You really believe all this?” Haze took a sip of her tea.
“I…I…” I took a breath. “Okay, no. Not really. I’m just saying it could be a theory.”
I didn’t know what I was trying to achieve here. All I knew was that now was definitely not the time to mention that I’d tracked down Haze’s father—and that he wanted to meet her next week.