Chapter 5 #2
“I know all of this is difficult to understand,” he said kindly.
“It’s difficult for us to understand as well.
For millions of years, we’ve been guided and overseen by the Higher Power.
The very same entity who tried to end you because you, Alana Catherine and Shitty Ritchie are the future.
It, like many of us who live forever, seems to have lost Its way.
Others have broken under the stress of existing until the end of time—Clarissa and Zadkiel, to name two.
They became drunk with power and narcissism.
What’s important to know is that you will not be alone. ”
Jennifer clenched her fists then released them. She did it three times before she blew out a long slow breath. “Are we God?”
Her question didn’t surprise me. I’d had so many when I’d become Immortal.
Confused as all get out would be an understatement.
Honestly, I was still confused about the ins and outs.
Jennifer and I hadn’t lived for even a hundred years yet.
Hearing and digesting what people older than dirt knew to be true was insane.
Parsing it out in my brain was what I had to do to handle the information.
If I didn’t, I’d be in a ball on the ground rocking and babbling.
Candy Vargo jumped in. “It’s not that black and white.
Religion and deities are more of a concept than a reality.
Heaven and Hell are concepts as well.” Jennifer stared at her blankly.
Candy kept going. “Good and evil can’t exist without the other.
There ain’t no comedy without tragedy. What the world needs is balance.
Without it, the end will come. That’s where the present Higher Power fucked up.
It broke laws that It had created to keep the world in balance.
That’s a fucker of a mistake on Tom Hank’s part. ”
“What about the bible?” Jennifer asked, bewildered.
Candy sighed. “Consider the bible, which was written by humans, to be a guide book of how to be a good fuckin’ person… mostly.”
“So, none of it is true?” she asked. “Not that I’m a real religious gal, but…”
Candy handed her a box of toothpicks. Jennifer took out five and chomped down.
“Whether it’s true or not true is irrelevant,” Candy shared.
“If the words and practices of any religion give you some fuckin’ solace, then have at it.
All of the man-made religions have pros and cons.
However, you can be an outstanding example of humanity by simply being kind.
You already got that shit covered, Jennifer. ”
The Keeper of Fate was correct. Jennifer was kind, fair and treated everyone well—not a mean bone in her body.
“Well, bless my pea-pickin’ little heart,” Jennifer said with a strained laugh. “This is just… just… well, I’m not real sure what it is.”
Charlie spoke up. “You have support. Not only do you have Alana Catherine and Richard Smith, but…”
Jennifer’s brow wrinkled in confusion. “Who in tarnation is Richard Smith?”
“Me,” Shitty Ritchie volunteered.
She shook her head. “Doesn’t feel right. You don’t really look like a Richard Smith to me.”
“I quite agree,” the little dude said. “Richard is too formal and Smith is boring. Ritchie is suave and Shitty describes me wonderfully!”
Charlie chuckled. “My apologies, Shitty Ritchie. I just thought since you’re about to become the Higher Power, you might want to remove the profanity from your moniker.”
“Nope!” he announced. “I’ll stick with Shitty Ritchie. It’s sexy like me. And what do you mean about to become? I thought we were the Higher Power. I’ve been advertising my man goo to Heather with the street cred of being the Higher Power.”
“Oh, hell to the no,” Jennifer said with a wince. “You’re not earning any points here.”
“I have no clue what you mean,” he replied, truly perplexed.
Heather rolled her eyes. “Jennifer, it’s not worth it. Just ignore him.”
Jennifer laughed and nodded. “Charlie, even though the delivery of the question by Shitty Ritchie was unfortunate, what do you mean by about to become?”
I was interested in the answer, along with everyone else. Alana Catherine sat down on the other side of Charlie and leaned in. “Please explain, Uncle Charlie.”
Charlie opened his mouth, then paused for a moment and smiled at my daughter. She’d disarmed him by calling him uncle. As the Enforcer, disarming the man wasn’t an easy task. He gave her a nod and said, “While the Higher Power still exists, the ones waiting in the wings cannot be recognized.”
“Not a problem,” Shitty Ritchie announced grandly, skipping over to the table, hopping up on it and sliding into the splits. It would have been mildly impressive if he hadn’t ripped the crotch out of his trousers. Tiny guy was going commando.
June gasped and covered her eyes. The rest of us suddenly found the ceiling very interesting.
Gideon was all over it. With a wave of his hand, he repaired Shitty Ritchie’s pants so none of us would have to keep looking at his teeny-weeny man bits.
That was a visual I could do without. I gave my man a grateful look.
He winked. If someone had explained this exact situation a few years ago, I would have laughed.
It was too absurd to be true. The truth in my life was turning out to be so much stranger than fiction.
Shitty Ritchie continued as if he hadn’t just flashed his dong.
“We will KILL the Higher Power. Now that there is no fear of bringing on the end, I say we go for it. My suggestion would be to peel the skin from Its bitch-ass body while simultaneously shoving thin but sturdy shards of glass under Its fingernails and toenails. This will be followed by dipping the devious shart into a vat of boiling rubbing alcohol. Since the skin will have been removed and It will resemble a bloody freakshow, the procedure will be excruciating for the shart. When that piece of business has been accomplished, I say we remove Its appendages and beat the hell out of It.” He waved his hand around dismissively.
“I can take the lead on that,” he continued.
“That move has been on my to-do list for centuries. It might also be fitting to yank Its entrails out with flaming hot pliers and shove them down Its throat. I feel that watching the disgusting gob of excrement choke would be fun! Decapitation will be our last maneuver. Oh… and I think a lovely touch would be to have Candy Vargo AKA Nancy Vargo butter what’s left of the Higher Power’s butt and then eat the fucker.
If it’s too much for her, I can polish off what’s left.
Since we’re not residing in Idaho, eating the abomination won’t end with Candy or myself doing fifty to seventy-five in the slammer.
Win-win. After the deed is done, I say we have a pizza party and jazz square the night away. ”
The silence in the room was so thick you could cut it with a knife.
I was sure I’d turned slightly green. Jennifer’s mouth hung open in shock.
Alana Catherine pressed the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes.
Gram and Mr. Jackson hovered above the table and had paled significantly.
That was difficult since they were ghosts.
Heather gagged along with June. Charlie’s eyes were huge and round.
He could be a violent badass, but I was positive he’d never partaken in anything like the plan Shitty Ritchie had just laid out.
Gideon squinted at the tiny guy like he was an alien from planet What-The-Fuck.
Candy Vargo was glowing a bright and menacing orange.
Like Charlie, the Keeper of Fate could be violent, however, even she was horrified.
Shitty Ritchie was only seconds from getting the beejesus electrocuted out of him by Candy.
Even though I was nauseous, I quickly walked over to Candy and placed a calming hand on her back.
We didn’t need one of our own turning the Trinity into a duo.
“Umm,” I choked out. “That was… umm.”
“Just awful,” Gram said, gaping at Shitty Ritchie. “How in the ever-lovin’ heck did you come up with that plan?”
He shrugged and smiled widely, showing all of his razor-sharp chompers. The delusional little freak mistakenly thought we were impressed. We were not.
“When you live alone for millions of years in a cave while having to run for your life from the Higher Power, you have some time on your hands,” he told Gram. “Trust me, I have more detailed plans if you’d like to hear them!”
A loud and unison NO came from everyone in the kitchen.
He really did have only two brain cells, and they were completely unconnected. It was terrifying that he was part of the Trinity with my daughter and Jennifer.
Shitty Ritchie giggled. “Okey doke! We’ll go with plan A.”
We would not go with plan A. However, that was a need-to-know situation. When Shitty Ritchie needed to know, we would tell him. I had no idea what the plan would be, but I knew for sure it wouldn’t involve flaming hot pliers and cannibalism.
“Alrightroo!” Gram announced, still recovering from Shitty Ritchie’s diatribe. “Nuff of this sittin’ around! We already know Tom Hanks has his panties in a knot and that he’s meaner than a wet panther. I say we need to get to it.”
“Get to what?” Jennifer asked.
“Don’t rightly know, child,” she admitted with a giggle. “What I do know is if we just sit around, we’re about as useful as a steering wheel on a dang mule.”
“Ohhhhhhhhhhha yessssssah!” Mr. Jackson said, backing his gal pal all the way.
“Thank you, darlin’,” Gram replied, giving her beau a kiss on the cheek.
Her head went right through his due to the fact they were dead, but it was sweet nonetheless.
“So, kids, as I was sayin’, the future right now smells bad enough to gag a maggot.
BUT… we can change that. Ain’t nothin’ impossible as long as we believe! ”
“True that, Gram,” Candy Vargo agreed. She pointed at the ghost floating above her. “That right there is my default mama. And she’s onto somethin’ cuz she’s brilliant. We can’t just sit on our asses and wait for fake Tom Hanks’ next move. We need to make a plan.”
“I already made one,” Shitty Ritchie reminder her.
He was ignored by all.
“Gram and Candy make fine points,” I said, smiling at the gorgeous ghost of a woman who’d raised me with love. “I think it’s time to assess what Jennifer can do.”
Of course, we had no clue how powerful Jennifer might be, but we needed to find out and to train her to defend herself.
I thought back to my own training with Charlie, Heather, Gideon, Tim and Candy Vargo, and winced.
It had been a day that had blown my mind and covered me in blood and bruises.
I hoped that Jennifer’s training would be a little less violent.
My guess was that her gifts would be similar to Alana Catherine’s and Shitty Ritchie’s, but we’d find out soon enough.
“First, I’d like everyone to come outside,” Gideon announced. “The extra protection has arrived. Zander and Catriona have let them in through the ward.”
As we stepped out into the sunny but chilly afternoon, I scanned the front yard.
Unbeknownst to me, Candy Vargo had repaired the damage that the zombies had caused.
My property was back to its majestic glory.
Armed to the teeth and dressed in black combat clothing, Catriona and Zander were getting a small army of Demons up to speed as to what was going on.
The extra protection was impressively terrifying.
The Demons, however, appeared incredibly bored.
Not a single expression changed as the group was filled in on the details.
The entire scene was a bit unnerving. Not one of the Demons had come willingly.
That much was made clear by their attitudes.
They came to repay a favor. Gideon had promised that none of them would turn on us.
I chose to believe him. There were thirty—each one stunningly beautiful.
Both male and female Demons stood shoulder to shoulder, silently examining their surroundings.
I looked at Candy Vargo. She wasn’t too excited, but she seemed resigned that the Demons were here.
“Let the fuckin’ games begin,” she muttered.
And begin they did.