Chapter 8
CHAPTER EIGHT
In the open field not far from the house, under the noonday sun, we watched as Candy Vargo, Charlie and Gideon tested Jennifer.
The rest of us were there as general backup, sparring partners and support.
The fifteen Demons who guarded Alana Catherine, Jennifer and Shitty Ritchie were stationed nearby, while the other fifteen patrolled the perimeter of the property.
Thankfully, there had been no zombie sightings.
Obviously, the word hadn’t gotten back to the Higher Power yet. It bought us some necessary time.
“Okay, Jennifer,” Gideon said, standing beside her. “The goal of this exercise is to assess what you’re capable of. It’s fine if nothing happens today. All of this is new and can be unnerving. We just need to know if you can protect yourself.”
“Been through multiple divorces and I came out on top, my friend. I’ve got the property and cosmetic surgery to prove it!” She gave him a thumbs up with her right hand while pointing at her enhanced bosom with her left. “I’ve got this. No problemo!”
I was pretty sure a few of the Demons chuckled.
Tim definitely giggled. I was working hard not to laugh out loud.
This was serious business, but Jennifer had a style of her own.
She looked at life with joy and loved every minute of it.
Human or Immortal, it didn’t appear that she was going to change.
Gideon took a long pause and stared at Jennifer. He wasn’t sure how to respond, but he kept going anyway. “Right. Umm… outstanding, but that’s not exactly what I’m talking about.”
She slapped him on the back and cackled. “I was just joshing you! Everybody is so dang uptight. I’m just helping my peeps get their panties out of a wad! We’re testing my juju. Right?”
The Grim Reaper tilted his to the side and smiled. “That’s one way to put it. Do you have any questions before we begin?”
“Millions,” she told him. “I was wondering if it’s against the rules to use a wand?”
“Umm… no,” he said, a little perplexed. “But you won’t really need a wand.”
She nodded thoughtfully. “I didn’t really need my C-cup silicone knockers either,” she pointed out. “But they make me happy.”
Gideon was at a loss for words. This was going to be an interesting few hours. I stepped in to keep the ball rolling. I had a feeling Jennifer’s juju was going to be very different from anything we’d experienced.
“If a wand makes you feel more confident, then you can have one,” I said. “However, if you choose to use something tangible to do magic, you’ll have to keep it on you at all times.”
Jennifer wrinkled her nose. “Welp, that’s not gonna work then. I lose my phone at least three times a day. How about I do something like Samantha did?”
“Who is Samantha?” Gideon asked, bewildered.
Jennifer looked at him like he’d lost it.
“From Bewitched! Adorable gal and a terrific TV show. She wiggled her cutie-patootie nose to do her magic. My nose is always with me,” she explained logically.
“Granted, I got it done when I was forty, but it’s definitely mine since I paid for it!
Never lost it once in my life. Do you think that would work? ”
The Grim Reaper pressed his temples and sighed. “If it makes you happy to wiggle your nose, then by all means, please do so.”
She pondered for a beat, then shook her head.
“Nope. Not gonna do the nose thing. It’s not original.
I want something that’s totally me—like a signature move.
I’ve seen you guys do your juju—the claps, the snaps, the waves, raising up your arms and slapping them down to your sides. Love all of it, but it’s not me.”
“Okay,” I said, wondering if we’d even get to the training part. “That mostly makes sense. How about we use the training session to figure out your signature juju move?”
“I like it!” she said, thrilled. “I think part of sussing out my place in this new world is getting into my own juju groove.”
“Shitty Ritchie agrees!” the little dude announced. “Took me a few centuries to perfect my tornado move. Shall I demonstrate?”
“Absolutely not,” I said in my outdoor voice. “We’ve seen it, and my house paid for it.”
“Just trying to help,” he said, pouting. “If there’s someone here that we don’t like, I could eat them.”
“For the love of everything that could bring my fuckin’ lunch back up,” Candy Vargo shouted, then electrocuted the dolt. “How many times do we have to tell you, that you can’t go around eating people, you twat?”
“Shitty Ritchie is sorry,” the tiny man screamed, slapping out the fire covering his body. “Sometimes I forget. MY BAD.”
“Alrighty, then,” I said, trying to get what was devolving into a hot and violent mess back on track. “How about we focus on Jennifer?”
“An excellent plan,” Charlie said, approaching her. “Jennifer, let’s begin by learning from examples. Watch how Candy Vargo deals with that tree, please.”
“The huge pretty one?” Jennifer asked, pointing to an oak across the field that had to be several hundred years old.
“Yep,” Candy told her. “What I’m gonna do is pretend that fuckin’ tree is the enemy. That there tree is pissed and powerful. It’s comin’ at me and wants to rip my head off my body.”
“Holy crap,” Jennifer muttered. “A tree can do that?”
Candy looked at her like she had three heads. I knew she wanted to yell, but it was very difficult to be mad at Jennifer. She was that nice. “Umm… no. I think you might have missed the word pretend in that last fuckin’ sentence. I’m gonna pretend the tree is the enemy. Got it?”
“Thank heavens,” Jennifer said with a laugh. “It would be all kinds of awful if I had to go around destroying trees all the time.”
“Right,” Candy Vargo said with the smallest eye roll she could muster.
It wasn’t all that small.
“Focus, please,” Charlie commanded. “Candy, attack the tree.”
“With fuckin’ pleasure,” she said.
In the time it took to inhale, the Keeper of Fate’s body shimmered a blazing orange.
She sprinted at the tree so fast, she disappeared from sight for a moment.
As her body came into contact with the enormous oak, she bellowed in a language that, while I didn’t understand it, the meaning was clear.
The hundred-year-old oak split like a twig.
The sound of the explosion as the tree splintered into millions of woodchips echoed through the field as if the Universe was screaming in anguish. It was a sight to see. When Candy was done, she walked back over to the group. She was banged up and bloody, but she was also grinning.
“And that’s how it’s fuckin’ done!” she announced.
Jennifer stared at the charred chunks of wood scattered all over and frowned. “Y’all, I feel kinda bad.”
Charlie wasn’t following. “Bad?”
“For the tree,” she told him.
Candy Vargo walked over to her. “I just killed the enemy who wanted me dead.”
“But it was a tree,” Jennifer pointed out. “Not a real enemy.”
The Keeper of Fate blew out a loud raspberry. “Would you rather the tree had decapitated me?”
“Hell to the no!” Jennifer assured her and gave her a quick hug. “You’re my friend. I just wish the tree had survived, too. Not the enemy—mind you—but the tree.”
“I’m feelin’ about as confused as a fuckin’ fan in a fart factory right now,” Candy announced, scratching her head.
“Maybe we should decimate boulders,” Tim suggested. “It’s quite difficult to have an emotional attachment to rocks.”
“Fine point. Well made,” Gideon said, still reeling at how the training session was going. “Would destroying rocks upset you?”
“Rocks would be just dandy,” Jennifer said. “Would anyone mind if I took a crack at putting the tree back together?”
Everyone chuckled except Jennifer, Alana Catherine and Shitty Ritchie. Their serious expressions sobered the rest of us right up, and the laughter died on impact.
“Not real fuckin’ sure that can be done,” Candy Vargo admitted. “I busted it up pretty good.”
Jennifer considered Candy’s words for a full minute before she spoke.
“Here’s my take, Candy Vargo. Just because something is broken, don’t mean it can’t be put back together—you know, like a leg, or an arm, or even a heart.
And occasionally, when something breaks, like a tree or a person, it means it’s ready to be put back together a little differently. You know what I’m saying?”
Our wine-loving buddy had just rendered everyone speechless.
She took our silence as assent. Jennifer walked across the field to where the majestic tree once stood.
She didn’t pull out a wand. She didn’t wiggle her nose.
Nope, she did something that no one expected.
Our nutty gal had figured out her signature move, and it was a doozy.
Grabbing her right breast with her left hand and her left with her right, she bounced her enhanced bosom like she was shaking up some salad dressing.
It was the weirdest thing I’d ever seen.
Well, maybe not the weirdest since I’d definitely seen some weird in my time, but it was up there.
When she started glowing like a rainbow on crack, I thought it just might work.
Spoiler… it did.
“What the actual fuck?” Candy Vargo choked out as the chunks and slivers of wood and bark rose from the ground and began to fuse together with loud snaps, crackles and pops.
The charred leaves formed small funnels and danced like tiny fairies in the colors of Jennifer’s rainbow.
The trunk came together first, then the branches, twigs and bark followed at lightning pace.
Once they were set and solid, the leaves flew back up to their rightful homes and settled in.
The entire process took about two minutes.
It was mind-blowing. The tree looked pristine, exactly as it had been five minutes ago before Candy had taken it down.
Jennifer walked to the tree, gave it a hug, then ambled back over to us.
“That was nuckin’ futs!” Gram announced, doing flips in the air with Mr. Jackson. “Loved it!”