Chapter 30
We roll back into Northwind just after nine Sunday night, the bus hissing to a stop outside the arena after a weekend sweep over Lakewood State.
The guys were loud the whole three hour drive —replaying goals, chirping over the win—but I barely heard any of it.
My body felt like it had been hit by a truck, my legs heavy from sixty minutes on the ice and six hours on a bus between Saturday and tonight.
Send Me Love is still pretty active during travel games. Shadow’s text last night both made me laugh and made my night.
Shadow: Break more rules with me.
I thought for sure she’d retreat after our night together. Crawl back into herself. Put an ocean between us and ultimately, break our deal.
Instead, she came through for me. Not just holding up her end of it out of obligation. Because it’s just like Isla to do that. But with an invitation.
I’d read it at least ten times before puck drop. She’s still got that power over me. This girl could send me how she takes her coffee, and I’d heart it, get a hard-on over it, tease her for losing her touch, and then make her damn coffee in the morning after fucking her five times the night before.
All weekend I kept thinking about the conversation we’d left unfinished. Her admitting her feelings. Me giving her every reason I couldn’t be the guy she deserved. Her giving me every reason I was born to shine.
If I didn’t know any better, I’d say I’ve been the one living in the shadows for the last five years. And Isla’s the ray of light I have been waiting for. Not the other way around.
On the drive home, I kept telling myself I was protecting us both. That relationships only give people another way to disappoint you. My mother had spent my entire life proving that.
But somewhere between Shadow’s invitation to break more rules with her and the state line, another realization hit, one a hell of a lot harder to ignore.
I missed her.
Not seeing her for two days felt wrong. And the idea of walking away before we even figured out what this thing actually is? That’s a thousand times worse.
Monday drags like a penalty kill. I make it through lifts, classes, film, and practice. It’s Isla’s long day too. She has classes till six and I texted her to head to Gino’s for their soup—since it’s a brutal twenty-six degrees today—and wait for me.
We’ve been texting, but it’s not our usual banter. Her responses have been two to three words. And this time, it’s just one.
Isla: Okay.
“I’ve been waiting all damn day to talk to you,” I tell her when I meet her at Ginos.
She’s searching my face like she’s trying to figure out which version of me showed up today.
Personally, I have no idea. Whichever version can’t stand the idea of losing her. Be it the selfish version—who thinks he can take without giving. Or the one who’s totally fucked—ready to give her anything she asks for.
She looks around self-consciously.
Twenty minutes later, I kill the engine outside The Castle.
“Can we go upstairs?”
She shakes her head, her eyes falling to clammy palms.
I crank the heat up for her. “We can talk here.” After a moment, I push hair away from her face. “Shadow’s message...”
She tilts her head.
“I want to do it. I want to break more rules with you.”
She smirks. “Which one—number five?”
I frown. “Which one’s number five?”
“The no seeing other people one.”
“Wha—how can you keep up? Do you keep them written down somewhere?”
She laughs and pulls out a piece of paper from the front pocket of her bag. “My cheat sheet.”
I take it from her and read them aloud. “Better not mean that literally.”
Rule #1 – No dildos
Rule #2 – No apologies unless I miss a game.
Rule #3 – This is temporary
Rule #4 – Privacy and patience
Rule #5 – No seeing other people
Rule #6 – No one knows I’m Shadow
“You had this the whole time while I was struggling to remember which is which?” I laugh and stretch my hand to hers. “I’m gonna need a pen.”
She hands me one with her eyes narrowed and a small grin.
“Alright, let’s see here. You broke one, two, and three. Wow, where is the respect?” I cross them out.
She giggles.
“I broke number four.”
“Before I broke one, two and three,” she adds in her defense.
“No evidence of that…” I mutter, continuing down the list. “Okay, so I then broke number six by telling my team.”
“But you did get permission first,” she winces, then peeks over at the only one left.
I grip the paper, keeping my eyes on her. “No seeing other people.”
She looks at me from the passenger seat with determination in those green eyes. “I would never even come close to breaking that rule. Especially with you,” she breathes.
I reach over, stroking her jaw with my thumb. “I knew getting involved with you physically would be dangerous.” I wrap my hand around her neck and pull her close, pressing my forehead to hers. “But then there’s things we say out loud and things we…feel.”
“What do you feel?”
I grin. “Well doc, let’s see. The last few weeks I’ve had trouble sleeping. Then there’s this funny thing going on in my stomach when this girl’s around. Or when I think about her. And I’m pretty sure my vision’s impaired.” I scan her face. “Because all I see is her.”
She frowns. “That sounds serious, you should get that checked out.”
I smirk. “Now you. Are you experiencing something… similar?”
She shakes her head. “Not at all.”
“No?” I don’t know why my face heats with panic that I might have gotten this all wrong.
She shifts. “This would be a lot easier if you didn’t like me back.”
Okay, wasn’t expecting that. “What does that mean?”
She licks her lips. “I mean, I’m not sure what to do here. I know I’m insanely attracted to you. I have been since the second I laid eyes on you.”
A profound relief washes over me, landing in the pit of my stomach.
“I know I only want you touching me the way you do,” she adds.
“So far so good…” I encourage.
Her eyes drop to the space between us. “But I don’t know how to be…”
“Kane Andrews’ girlfriend?” I finish, solidifying what’s happening here, in case she needed it written in stone.
“Yes,” she exhales.
I frown. “Hmm. Well, that’s fine because Kane Andrews doesn’t know how to have a girlfriend.
But I’ve got a feeling it looks a lot like this.
” I reach over and kiss her softly. “A lot of that. You coming to my games. You wearing my jersey. You spending the night.” I squeeze her thigh. “Kiss, fuck, repeat.”
“Be together in public?”
I inhale a deep breath. “Yes…”
She lowers her head and nods.
“I know. What I don’t know is why.”
She gives me a bitter smile. “Why I am the way I am?”
“I guess that’s what I’m asking, yeah. It’s my unofficial way of asking who hurt you?”
She huffs out a laugh. “I wasn’t always this...quiet, anxious, reserved. I had friends, participated in school plays. My mother even had me do a few modeling gigs when I was in middle school.”
“No shit. I mean I’m not surprised because you’re a fucking knockout and that didn’t happen overnight.”
Her cheeks turn a bright shade of pink. “Thanks. I spent a lot of time with my mother. We went to photoshoots together. She helped me with my lines and taught me about boys, how to do make up, my own laundry, all that stuff.” I swallow the lump in my throat.
“But she never taught me high school. I guess she always thought we’d take it one problem at a time when it comes, but when it came… ”
“She was gone,” I rasp.
She nods. “Not only did I have no clue what to expect or how to act…but when something big is missing in your life, you just feel like the outsider, you know? You automatically feel less than or incomplete. Like the new doll in a department store that wasn’t quite finished before they were boxed up and sent out into the world. ”
I smile at the analogy.
She laughs bitterly. “Sorry, it’s silly.”
“You make perfect sense to me.”
She picks up the rules list from the console, using it as something to do with her fingers. “As if that wasn’t bad enough, not half a year later, the new girl’s father was arrested for financial fraud.” Her voice cracks.
That does it.
Shutting off the engine, I jump out of the car and come around to her side, easing her out and straight into my arms. She’s in a wool coat, but I wrap her in mine anyway, holding her close.
“I’m so sorry.”
She sniffles. “Anyway, it’s why I shy away from crowds and confrontation.
I tried to defend him. But the more I did, the louder and meaner they got.
Eventually, large groups of people started making me nervous.
One or two friends were okay. They never stuck, but it never bothered me. I actually enjoyed being a loner.”
“High school kids are the worst.”
She coughs a laugh. “I always thought so.”
I pull her close again. Hating that I can’t take the pain away. That there’s nothing I can do to fix what all those people said and did to her. “You’re in a different world now. You’re safe here.”
“I know you’re right. But I’ve learned to believe I’m not safe anywhere. Not the house I grew up in where my mother died and my dad was dragged away in handcuffs. Not in school. My aunt’s house. With my roommates.”
She shakes her head. “The first time I felt anything other than disappointment and fear was…behind my phone. I felt free to say things without being judged. It was…addicting. To say something and have people react…positively.” She looks up at me, her eyes misty in that self-deprecating way.
I tap twice on the tip of her nose.
She frowns.
“Don’t mind me. I’m just hearting your message.” I wink.
She laughs and I feel it in her whole body. One hundred percent worth the cheesy move.
“Do you ever visit your dad?” I ask Isla when we’re in bed later.
She hums from where her head rests on my chest. “When I was in Brooklyn and old enough to go myself, yeah. Before I turned eighteen, my uncle used to have to take me and it wasn’t easy getting him to go. I’d have to agree to wash his car that weekend or something.”
My jaw flexes, irritation turning sharp in my chest.
“The same uncle who stole half your college education money?”
“I’m pretty sure my aunt is behind that. Along with the rest of the money my mother left me.”
I’m starting a new list. Reasons to visit Brooklyn. “When are you due to see him again? Your dad, I mean?”
“Um…when I can afford it, I guess. I write letters but plane ticket prices are through the roof right now. I wish I could see him now, but it’ll have to wait until I’m back home for the summer.”
“I’ll take you.”
“What, to Brooklyn?” She chuckles. “You say it like it’s a quick drive to the mall.”
I lift my phone off my nightstand and pull up the airline app. “What are you doing Thursday?”
“This Thursday?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanksgiving?”
My brows knit together. Christ, is it already Thanksgiving? “Huh, I guess it is.”
“Uh…I was hoping for some quiet time in my dorm room with my roommates gone.”
I cut my eyes toward her. “We’re going to Brooklyn.”
“Kane, it’s Thanksgiving. The last place I want you to spend it is a prison during visiting hours. You should be with family.”
“I’d rather spend it inside a prison cell than with my mother, Isla.”
“Your teammates?”
I sigh. “Hunter’s family has been great the last few years, but this is more important.”
She looks up at me, tucked beneath my arm. “Really? Are you sure?”
I’m damn sure.
“Yes. As long as you take me inside with you. I don’t like the idea of you walking in by yourself.”
She smiles up at me. “Let’s just leave the app out of the way we met.”