Chapter 37
It’s after nine and I’ve been staring into space in my bedroom. I was studying for finals when Kane messaged me in the locker room but for the past thirty minutes, I’ve been sitting here wondering what I said to upset him.
More importantly, what’s going on with him?
Did he think I wasn’t taking him seriously? Did I say the wrong thing?
I’m trying to contain the thumping in my heart, but it’s hard not to imagine the worst.
Old habits die hard.
There’s a hard knock on my front door and I assume it’s a food delivery for Chili and Olive.
“Where is she?” I hear Kane’s voice on the other side of my door.
“In her room—where she always is when she’s here,” Chili answers.
His footsteps are hard against the wood and I shift in bed, my books still spread out in front of me. I’m in my pajamas, a light tank and sleep shorts, suddenly feeling very exposed.
He knocks, calling my name through the door. I barely have time to suck in a breath before it swings open.
Our eyes lock and he closes the door behind him. His chest heaving.
“Did I say something wrong?” I ask, my voice low, nerves high.
God, how pathetic do I sound?
He takes a breath and steps closer. “No.”
I push off the bed and stand. Kane closes the remaining distance, rakes his fingers into my hair, and presses his lips to mine. “I love you.”
I blink, thinking I might have misheard him. Or maybe the words came from me?
Like there’s a subconscious part of me that’s been thinking it and feeling it and is now hearing him say it.
Tears sting the back of my eyes and I know I’m going to need him to repeat it just to be sure. “What?”
The corner of his mouth tilts and he holds my head, saying it slower. “I love you.” His hands tremble. “I…I wanted to be holding you when I said it. Partly because I needed to take a minute to ask myself if I’m out of my mind. The other part needing you to believe it when I said it.”
I search his eyes, my brain grasping at anything it can to give this reasonable doubt. “An—and you’ve thought this through and you still…”
He laughs. “Yes, Isla. I do, I really do.”
Words get caught in my throat. Words I haven’t said to anyone outside of my parents.
His lips crush mine before he pulls back, breathing hard against my mouth. “I don’t know what the fuck you did to me.” A broken laugh slips out of him. “I spent my life thinking that loving someone meant giving them the weapon they’d eventually use against me.”
He swallows painfully. “Then you show up.” His thumb drags slowly under my eye. “Somehow, you know every ugly fucking thing I try to hide, and I’ve never felt safer with anyone.”
My lips part because it’s like he’s taking the words I can’t speak right out of my mouth.
“You know why I’ve avoided relationships like the plague?
Because they literally are. But I don’t want less of you to protect myself.
I want all of you. The quiet you. The jealous you.
The you that keeps surprising me. I love that you take chances and keep challenging yourself.
I even love it when you disappear into your own head.
Because you don’t need to talk for me to get you, Isla.
” His mouth twitches. “I want you. In my bed. In the stands at my games. In whatever city that ends up putting my name on a jersey.”
His forehead presses to mine.
I swallow and take a breath. “I want all those things too. Until now, I thought love was losing something. Like giving a piece of your heart to someone and being okay with it. But I feel fuller. Like I’ve gotten a piece of myself back.
” A laugh breaks from me. “Since before we met, you inspired me to be something bigger. You’ve taught me more than either of us planned.
And I wish you’d give yourself more credit.
You’re not just hockey and a name. You’re a hero.
To me. To your fans. I’ve stalked you enough to know you’re a big deal, hotshot.
” I bring my hands to his neck. “And I’ll keep sending love wherever you want to prove it. ”
“You’re going to give me complex.”
“Oh and the other three hundred and thirty-seven messages a night won’t?”
“It’s different coming from you.”
I smile. “It better be.” I lift on my toes to kiss his chin. “I love you, too.” After a beat, I add, “And there is no me that is ‘jealous’ so you take that back.”
He scoffs. “In that case, I’ve got an orange flavored beer back at my place with your name on it.”
I narrow my eyes at him and grumble.
“How am I supposed to face them now?” I laugh. Kane and I are under my sheets after a mind-blowing study session, except the books were on the floor and the lesson was love making. Kane joked that neither one of us will know how to do it, since we’ve never been in love before, so we’d improvise.
“You’ve got two options,” he says, breathlessly. “Walk through that living room every day for the next three weeks until next semester. Or…” he presses a kiss to my forehead. “Move in with me until your new dorm is ready.”
I frown. “New dorm? I think they have me here for the full year with Olive and Chili.”
He shakes his head. “I got you a room with Tisch and Maddie.”
I gasp. “Tisch and Maddie? How did you do that?”
“That’s kind of how I was able to pull it off. Coach’s daughter is moving out of her mom’s and on campus. Since it’s for Coach, the athletics department pulled some strings and got her a massive room at Northwind House. But she won’t live with just anyone.”
“Spoiled one isn’t she?”
“Yeah, but we love her. Well…most of us.” He rolls his eyes.
“This is the best thing I’ve heard all day.”
“Ouch. You know that stings.”
“I’m not going to move in with you until then. But I’ll stay with you a few days during the holidays?”
“That’s the second-best thing I’ve heard all day. See that’s how it works, Sunshine.”
I press my hand to his cheek. “Thank you.”
He lowers my hand and kisses my knuckles. “No. Thank you.”
I giggle. “For what?”
“For finding me. Seeing me. With everything going on in your head at that moment. The crowd, the noise, the chaos. You still found me.”
My eyes sting again. “There’s something else I was going to tell you on the app before you left the room.”
“What is it?”
“That first game I went to, it was a lot for me. And I was starting to spiral before I even found my seat. I was actually trying to get back up the aisle and out of the arena as fast as possible because I wasn’t ready for it all.
I was suffocating, mentally, and needed to breathe.
But when I saw you, it was like…I don’t know, like a string you pulled loose in me.
Breath you put back into my lungs. You unraveled me,” I add with a smile.
He grins back but there’s hesitation in it.
“Even started talking to these two girls who were really nice. They told me about the app and there it was,” I tell him, glancing at my phone on my nightstand. “My chance to connect with you, zero risk.”
His smile breaks free and his gaze lingers on my phone.
“What is it?”
“Have I been helping you, Isla? I mean, I know I’m a work in progress when it comes to my confidence on the ice, and between you and the team psychologist, I know I’ll get there. But have I helped you at all?”
“Are you kidding? Of course you have. Didn’t you hear anything I said earlier?”
“You’re still scared,” he cuts me off.
“No, I’m not.”
“You are.” His eyes drop to my phone.
“You want me to tell people I’m Shadow?” He can’t be serious. Why would I do that now?
“No, Isla. I want you to stop apologizing for who you are. For what you want. Shadow is not some horny chick sending love messages. She is a young woman who asks for what she wants. Each one of your messages meant something. You weren’t just throwing words at me.”
“They were sexy words.”
He smiles but doesn’t take my bait to laugh this off.
I sigh. “So you want me to keep using the app, but tell everyone I’m Shadow?”
He shakes his head. “I want you to not be afraid of her. Of people finding out. Of being ashamed. I know this is a baby steps kind of thing, but I want to make sure I’m not missing one with you, you know?”
His tone is so gentle and I know he cares.
I nod. “I’ll think about it.”
Even if I already know that it is a hard no.