Chapter 15
“What’s going on with you?”
Deuce sat at my kitchen island, watching as I made my morning coffee. When I walked into my living room this morning, he was sitting there like he lived here, just like his father. Damn near scared the shit out of me.
“Nothing is up with me,” I said, nonchalantly.
“We lie to each other now?”
“You better remember who you’re talking to.”
“I know exactly who I’m talking to. My mama. My best friend. I know you, Ma. So you can’t insult my intelligence by telling me nothing is up.”
I sighed heavily. “Deuce, what do you want me to say?”
“Why did you ghost everybody for four days? I called and texted you and you were nowhere to be found.”
“Deuce, I was safe.”
“That’s not the point! Anything could have happened to you, and I wouldn’t have known where to find you, Ma.”
I looked at him. The frown on his face mirrored his father’s when he was upset. I could tell that he was genuinely concerned about my whereabouts.
“You came back and acted like nothing happened. Then you came on the compound the other day and didn’t even stop by the house—”
“I did stop by the house. You were with the boys and the kids were with your father, so I went to see them.”
His frown deepened. “Uh huh. So, you spent the day with Senior?”
“I spent the day with the kids. Your father just so happened to be there. I mean, it’s his house.”
“Ma, please don’t make me have to put my hands on that man.”
“Like I told you before, if you ever put your hands on your father, you are gonna see a side of me you have never seen before, and I mean that. I play about a lot of things, but you disrespecting that man like that is something I’m not going for. Not now, not ever. You hear me?”
He chuckled. “Yeah. Yeah, I hear you loud and clear.”
He sat there quietly for a moment while I sipped my coffee. There was a silent stare off between us. I could tell he was stewing in anger, but even as arrogant and abrasive as my son could be, he knew how far to push it with me.
“You just gonna sit here and look at me?” I asked, setting the coffee mug down.
“Nah, I’ma head out.”
He stood from the stool and walked over to me. He peered down at me, then kissed my cheek.
“You know I love you, don’t you?” he asked.
“I know, Deuce. Nobody loves me as much as you do.”
“So, you should know I only want the best for you.”
I smirked. “Now who is the parent here?”
“I’m serious, Stephanie. I love Pops. On God, I do.
But I watched you shed too many tears over him.
It wasn’t even that he was a bad nigga. You just deserve a man that gets it right the first time.
Aaron wasn’t perfect, but I can say for certain he never made you question wanting to be with him.
Senior did that too many times and I don’t wanna see you like that again. ”
I sighed. “Your father has changed, Deuce. I don’t have to be with him to see that.”
“Changed or not, he ain’t good enough for you and that’s just that. I’ma holla at you later, Ma.”
He kissed my forehead and left the kitchen. A few seconds later, I heard the front door open and close. I rested my head in my hands and heaved a heavy sigh. This was going to be harder than I expected.
Did I expect to fall back into familiar spaces with my son’s father? No. But I also didn’t expect to end up a widow a few years after finally getting married either. That was the hardest time of my life, and I had the most genuine support from the first man I’d ever loved.
This time was different from the affair.
That affair just happened. We ran into each other a little hole in the wall.
I was there enjoying my night and he stopped in to get food.
Maddie was away on a mission, so he decided to join me.
Drinks were flowing. The music was vibe.
One minute we were dancing and the next we were stumbling through my front door and losing our clothes all the way to my bedroom.
It was a poor judgement call that went on for way longer than it should have.
My heart was the deciding factor this time. As hard as I tried to fight it, the parts of Senior that I fell in love with were shining brightly during the most difficult time of my life. He’d cared for me mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically when I lost my husband.
I remember the first time I called him because I didn’t feel like I could burden anybody else.
Every person I knew to call had kids or a spouse, and I couldn’t bring myself to bother them.
It was three weeks after the funeral. The loneliness settled in with the grief and I was a mess.
It was two in the morning. I hadn’t eaten all day, I had stomach cramps, I couldn’t stop crying and I just need someone to sit with me.
I rolled over in bed and picked up my phone.
My fingers moved on their own as they went to Senior’s contact.
He answered on the third ring.
“Steph? You okay?”
I sniffled. “I’m sorry to call you so late. I just… I don’t wanna be alone right now.”
“I’m on my way.”
“Okay.”
I sat in the middle of my bed with my knees to my chest, crying my eyes out. That’s the same spot he found me in. I heard his footsteps approaching my door, then the door opening. I looked up to find him standing there with a worried look on his face.
“Steph…” his whispered, slowly walking over to me.
He took a seat next to me. The moment he wrapped his arms around me, I broke again.
“He’s not supposed to be gone, Stanley!” I wailed. “He’s supposed to still be here!”
“I know, Steph. It’s fucked up.”
“It’s not fair! I didn’t have him long enough. We had so many plans… so much life to live and now he’s gone!”
I must have cried for thirty minutes straight.
He sat with me, rubbing my back and holding me tightly.
When the tears subsided enough, my eyes were puffy as hell.
Stanley removed himself from me and went into my bathroom.
He came back out with a wet rag and maneuvered me onto my back before placing it on my eyes.
Grabbing my hand, he stroked it gently.
“I know this is probably the worst pain you’ve ever experienced but you’re gonna be okay, Steph. Aaron was a good man. He loved you with his entire heart. You’ll carry that love with you for the rest of your life. No matter who you encounter or where you go, you a part of him.”
“I feel so empty.”
“That’s normal. You lost someone you shared a home and life with.
It’s gonna be a long time before you feel whole again, but you’ll get there, love.
You don’t have to put on a brave face and go through this alone.
Grief will get you down. Sometimes, it feels like it’s gonna take you out this bitch. ”
“At this point I can go—”
“Don’t say that shit, man.”
I snatched the rag from my eyes and sat up, looking at him.
“I miss my husband. I kept walking around this house expecting to hear him call my name or wrap his arms around me. I’m waiting on the usual calls or texts from him when he’s at work.
I wake up in the morning, cook breakfast, and make a full plate for a man that isn’t here to sit in the seat across from me and enjoy it.
Stanley… I’ve called his name and gotten mad because I thought he was ignoring me, but he’s not. He’s dead… he’s fucking dead.”
I dropped my head and broke into tears again. Stanley pulled me into his arms and rocked me.
“I want him back…” I wailed. “Please, give him back!”
He held me tighter and kissed my head.
“I wish I could take this shit from you, Steph. I swear I do. I know it feels cruel. It’s gonna hurt like a muthafucka for a long time, but you gotta hold on.
You gotta push through. It might feel impossible, but you have to.
Grieve as long as you need to and however you need to.
Feel it, sit with it, work through it, but don’t let it consume you.
I know life feels like it may have ended, but you have so much to live for.
You have Deuce, Darlyn, and Liam. Salima loves you like a second mother.
The rest of the kids need their Auntie Steph.
Mama needs her favorite girl,” he added with a chuckle, in reference to his mother.
“I need my best friend… Aaron wouldn’t want you like this, love. ”
“I don’t know what to do,” I whispered. “I don’t have it in me to do anything.”
“Then let the people that love you take care of you until you can take care of yourself.”
“I don’t want to be a burden.”
He sat me up and cupped my face. “You are never a burden, love. You are one of the most selfless people I know, and you have a family behind you that’s ten toes down. Tell me what you need?”
I sniffled. “I haven’t eaten today.”
“At all?”
I shook my head. “And I need a shower.”
“How about I run you a bath and while you soak, I’ll make you something to eat?”
“Okay.”
He kissed my forehead and stood from the bed, heading toward my bathroom.
“Stanley?” I called.
“Yeah?”
“Thank you… for being here.”
“I’m always a phone call away. I’ll always come for you, Tavia, Allison, or Maddie. I love you. We’re gonna get through this one day at a time.”
That night, he did as he said and ran me a bath and cooked me a meal while I soaked.
At two in the morning, I was eating salmon patties, rice, and eggs.
He sat and talked with me until I ended up falling asleep on him.
That was just the first of many days and nights.
He made sure I ate. He made me get out of the house and get some fresh air.
Some days he’d come scoop me up and we’d take a day trip somewhere for a change of scenery.
The man never complained, never guilt tripped me, and never made a pass at me. He was my friend, and I wouldn’t have survived losing my husband without him.