Septembers

20. Dots

Dots

ONE WEEK

dae!

be as excited as i am!

Dae

I am, you maniac. I was in the shower.

want me to pick u at the station?

With what? You don’t have a car.

WITH MY BODY

I can help u carry shit

My parents will give me a ride. Shit and all. But thank you for the offer.

well the couch is ready for you as per your request

even tho i said you can stay in my room

and promised not to draw lewd pictures on ur face as u sleep

The couch is fine, it’s only a week. I’m sure I’ll find a place soon.

Is Jordan okay with me crashing?

yeah but shes being weird lately

She’s probably just stressed about the album.

maybe

anyway she’ll be cool

I told you I can stay with my parents.

And go back n forth every day? thats dumb

dont be dumb

It’s only an hour and a half.

DUMB

Okay, you win.

as it always should be

I should get ready im meeting nick

The same Nick from a few months ago?

yeah

Wow, that's a long time for you.

Is it serious?

no

not really

I don't know

He didn’t have time to watch Dae’s dots appear and disappear.

Nick was already knocking at the door, and Theo’s hair was refusing to cooperate.

Looking effortless took a lot of effort!

He heard Jordan open the door and immediately regale him with a story about a new type of cheese she discovered.

They’d implemented this strategy many times: distract the date so they were too overwhelmed to realize they were being made to wait. Worked every time.

“Oh, Nick, I didn’t hear you come in.” Theo made his entrance and spun so Nick could fully appreciate his outfit. “I was in the east wing, tending to the drapery.”

Nick gave him an amused chuckle. He did that a lot. Jokes weren’t his forte, but he knew when to laugh at Theo’s, which was arguably more important.

He was Black, tall, and had a smile so warm it could fry an egg. And it was currently aimed at Theo, miraculously.

“Thanks for coming with me tonight. It’s a confidence boost having some arm candy.”

“Being arm candy is my special skill. It’s on my resume and everything.” He gathered his wallet and phone, checking Dae’s message as they left.

Dae

Have fun.

“What are you smiling at?” Nick tried to peek at his phone, but Theo moved it out of the way, which was stupid, so he held it up. Nick stopped on the stairs to read the message. “I don’t get it. Is that an inside joke?”

“No, it just took him so long to write it. Happens all the time; he writes for forever and then the message is like, ‘goodnight’. If I was paid for the time I put into watching Dae’s dots appear and disappear, I could be one of those millionaires getting my yacht attacked by orcas.”

“You watch the dots?” Nick’s eyebrows were up, but he was half-smiling to show he wasn’t jealous. Nick knew Dae was Theo’s best friend and even said he was excited to meet him when he came back.

“Are you saying you don’t watch my dots?” Theo continued down the stairs, giving him a flirty wink over his shoulder.

Nick seemed nervous in the cab, fidgeting with his sleeves and rattling off historical dates. The party was a celebration for him earning a tenured professor job, and all his smartypants colleagues would be there. What he saw in Theo was a mystery, since he often mixed up the World Wars.

They climbed out of the cab in front of a classy bar devoid of the neon signs, loud music, and drunks that adorned the places Theo usually frequented. In fact, he wasn’t even sure he could call it a bar. This was a lounge.

“Hey.” Nick took his hand and pulled him back before they could go inside. “I do watch your dots.” Theo was lost. Nick laughed and shook his head. “Your messages? I watch the dots when you’re typing. It gives me butterflies. Do people still say they get butterflies?”

Shit, he was so cute. “I don’t think so.”

“Well, whatever they call it. I get them every time you type. Or laugh. Or smile at me.” He took a deep breath and held it, then let it out with the words, “I really like you, Theo.”

“I really like you too.”

The wattage of Nick’s smile could’ve blown the lightbulbs around them. Theo’s stomach was wiggling, but it wasn’t butterflies. As Nick kissed his cheek and led him inside, Theo realized something that turned the wiggling into dead weight.

He never watched Nick’s dots.

??? ???

dae?

Dae

Here.

i did something bad

How bad?

kissed someone else

Are you okay?

im trash doesnt matter if im ok

You're not trash.

Have you told him?

not yet

i will

hes a decent guy doesn’t deserve this

Why did you do it?

because Im trash

Theo.

dont know

Because it was getting serious and you got scared?

stop analyzing me

Okay.

yeah that might be it

Theo didn’t want to get out of bed. How could he tell an absolutely perfect man that he’d kissed his boss? How could he watch his radiant smile dim? Nick was a kind, smart, sexy man who really liked him. And what did Theo do? Fucked it up. As always.

His phone buzzed with a text from Nick, and he shoved it under his pillow. He couldn’t face the message or the dots he’d never paid attention to. It buzzed again and he groaned as he retrieved it from under his head.

Dae

Do you want to stay with him? Make it work?

dont deserve him

Stop saying stuff like that.

People mess up, Theo.

He might forgive you.

Be honest with him.

The awful part was, Nick probably would forgive him, which made it even worse.

Last night, the panic had been unbearable.

He stayed by his side, charming his coworkers, being a dutiful boyfriend-type.

But with every joke, every shared look or gentle touch, the weight in his stomach expanded until it took over his whole body.

He’d gone out for some air and there was Nick’s boss, smoking a cigarette.

He was around mid-forties with greying hair and an expensive suit.

Usually, Theo thought smoking was gross, but in that moment, it was the sexiest thing he’d ever seen.

Nick’s boss offered him one, and Theo followed him to an alley—a goddamn alley, like they were characters in some episodic procedural.

They were only talking, but when he checked his phone, a half hour had passed and there were six messages from Nick wondering where he was.

When Theo started to leave, Nick’s boss grabbed his arm and asked him not to go. So he didn’t. He couldn’t remember who started the kissing, but it went on for a while.

Then Theo got into a cab and went home and lay in bed, too guilty to even masturbate his erection away. He managed to send Nick a text saying he left because of an upset stomach. At least that part was true, seeing as he immediately threw up after lying to him.

I dont want him to forgive me

he deserves someone who really likes him

So you don’t really like him?

not as much as I should

which is crazy hes perfect

somethings wrong with me

There’s nothing wrong with you.

Nick texted again, and Theo switched the conversation.

Nick-knack

Good morning handsome. Feeling better?

Want me to come by with soup?

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuck.” He dug his head into the pillow, so he didn’t hear Jordan come in until she landed on his bed.

“I heard you swear, so that means you’re up.

” She was in the workout clothes she’d bought in a New Year’s health-frenzy that lasted all of three days.

Her hair flopped out of a messy ponytail, and headphones hung around her neck.

A foolish casual observer might think she was actually about to workout.

She nudged him. “Fun night?”

“No.”

“Why? Were his coworkers boring?” He couldn’t get into it, so he just nodded. “When is Dae coming again?”

“He lands on Saturday.”

“Hmmmmm…” She bit her lip, which was always a sign of mischief. “I’ve been thinking.”

“I told you to stop doing that.”

She stuck her tongue out with forced playfulness, but her busy fingers gave her away, fiddling with his blanket as she studied his sticker-wall.

“Jordan, spit it out.”

“What if Dae takes my room?”

“What?” He sat up, dragging his body to lean against the headboard.

He must’ve seemed panicked or pissed, because she spoke fast. “I think it’s time I live on my own, and you and Dae were already roommates once, so it makes sense.”

“You want to live alone?” Something didn’t add up. Jordan hated being by herself. She called the time she lived in her student apartment, ‘the dark year.’

“Yeah, I mean…” Her shrug was awkward. “This is the time in our lives when we should experiment, right? Try new things.”

“What aren’t you telling me?”

“Nothing! I just…” It looked like she might bite right through her lip. “I don’t know. I want to hook up without anyone around.”

Theo felt like Wile E Coyote stuck under an anvil.

They had a great system for hook-ups and there was never any judgement.

That couldn’t be the reason she wanted to move out.

He thought about her behaviour the past couple of weeks: the mysterious absences, the phone calls, the way she’d been dressing up before leaving.

“If you’re in a relationship, you can tell me. I’ll be happy for you.”

She stayed quiet, her shoulders hunched and her head down. Did she think he wouldn’t be happy for her? There wasn’t any reason he wouldn’t be. Unless…

“Jordan, no.”

“It’s not what you think.”

“Then tell me it’s not. Tell me with your own mouth that you didn’t get back together with Becks.”

She shook her head. “It’s different this time.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“This is why I didn’t want to tell you.”

He threw the blankets off and got out of bed. “Because I would point out what a colossally terrible idea it is to move in with someone who led you on for years?”

She shook her head. “That’s rich coming from you.”

The accusation stabbed him through the chest, but he didn’t want to go there, not yet, so instead he threw up his defences. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“You know exactly what it means, Theo.” She spoke low, her angry glare boring into him.

“I don’t lead people on. They know exactly what they’re getting into with me.” Except for Nick. Nick had no idea what a piece of shit he was. At least not yet.