REPULSIVE
Paparazzi stationed outside of Gray Hotel , my condo, Colonial , Vivid , and the spa. It mattered not where I went. A crew of cameras lingered, snapping photos and seeking to obtain a statement about the tape Duke and I had made in the privacy of our hotel room.
Two weeks had gone by, but we’d failed to feed the media. For that reason, they stalled, awaiting our return to the States.
I tried to remain unaffected. Tried to ignore it. Tried to stay cool and calm. Tried to be unbothered. I even posted a photo of me and Duke on our last trip to Japan. His arms were wrapped around me, dressed in a kimono. His lips were planted against my cheek. My eyes were closed. My cheeks hiked. A frozen moment of pure bliss. It reminded me of what was most important. With no desire to see anyone’s opinion, I disabled the comments, posting the single caption, “Unbothered,” alongside the image. Even that was a lie. No one could undergo what we had and come out completely unscathed.
I was bothered .
Bothered and ready for the unwanted spotlight to fade away.
After posting the photo and being alerted of our location, the media was even hungrier than before we’d left. Hiding from the cameras. Dodging them when I entered a building. For weeks, it became my life. Me and Duke’s tape exploited our mundane lives.
Gossip blogs sank their teeth into our relationship, endeavoring to rip us to shreds. The excess commentary on our age difference heightened my annoyance. I couldn’t wrap my head around why people were so invested. It got so bad that I eventually deactivated my Instagram account.
Adding to the mess of it all were the unwarranted calls and texts from past suitors and men I’d casually dated. Most were seeking to link . My fellatio skills had been plastered across the internet. It was no secret why they’d reached out. Some were super audacious. Andre hit me with,
“ I’ve got something you could swallow .”
Immediately, I blocked him. Sean wanted to know how I was doing and said that if I needed to talk, he would be available. While I thought it was sweet, but I didn’t respond. I was no man’s fool. He and I hadn’t spoken since my mushroom allergy incident.
Others were less forward but still obvious, like Craig’s weak-ass apology for digging in his nose, tacking on a request to see me again.
Thank God I wasn’t starved for attention. Instead of allowing any of the advances to bother me, I went to the mobile store and had my number changed. Before informing everyone closest to me about the new digits, I basked in the peace of being left the hell alone. The only person with access to my new number that first day was Duke.
On the flip side of things, brands—sex toys and products brands— had begun reaching out to both Duke and me for endorsement deals. Lingerie companies wanted us to do photoshoots—both together and separately. Granting my attention to any of it was impossible while I tried to juggle overseeing the new spa. I couldn’t handle any of that shit so I put the brand representatives on ice until I had the mental capacity to deal with it. While initially hesitant about it all, with Duke’s encouragement, I made arrangements for meetings in the coming weeks.
“Nice of you to come back. As much as I want to big brother you to death about recent events, your shit takes a backseat to new developments.”
My brows hiked to the heavens. Anything capable of placing my shit in a backseat was a blessing –disguised or not. I was tired of the attention I’d been receiving since the tape.
Supreme grinned in my direction, issuing a smile that could melt hearts.
“Okay,” I dragged, cutting my eyes.
“Your brother just had a baby.”
“ Which brother ? I strictly remember telling you congrats and visiting Sadie long before I left town.”
Pre chuckled. “Not me. Sincere.”
“Sincere?”
Sin didn’t have babies. Sin never stuck around long enough with anyone for his soldiers to swim, much less procreate. An entire war was fought in my head to believe the words coming out of Pre’s mouth.
“By who?” I grimaced.
“Luna.”
“When was Luna pregnant? How did—”
“It’s a long story, but I thought your crazy in love ass should know.”
“So what hospital are—”
My thoughts were racing a mile a minute. Sincere and I hadn’t been speaking, but I wanted to be there for my brother. The spa construction and the drama with the tape may have taken precedence over the last few weeks, but I was TT Reni. I was always there when someone in our family gave birth to a rugrat. It was well past time to extend the olive branch to Sincere.
“They’re in Atlanta. The baby is in the NICU. Whatever amends you intend to make, it’s best you wait until they return.”
“I’m not making amends with that nigga,” I huffed. If anything, I was owed a damn apology. I didn’t do anything to need to amend my behavior. “I just want to see my niece, or is it a nephew?”
“He had a son,” Pre revealed, stifling a laugh. He took a seat nearby as our dad entered the room.
“Marriage might curtail this. A marriage could curtail all of this.”
Cigar smoke wafted through the air. The smoke I’d grown accustomed to Duke exhaling was heavily cumbersome as my father freed it from his lungs. Or maybe it was the nonsensical garbage floating from his mouth. Maybe that was what caused my face to crinkle like used and abused aluminum foil.
“I don’t want to get married.” My response was flat and lifeless, just as I imagined my facial expression.
Ignoring me, my father took another toke of his cigar.
“Pops, nothing will stop the fire. This one has to be permitted to die out on its own.” Supreme came to my rescue.
“We have to do something! My daughter is being discussed like some smut—
“ Ramsay !” My mother shouted.
My mother never elevated her voice, but my mother didn’t play about me. I was the baby. Her baby. Even when I was wrong, she was always in my corner. My daddy, too. But his response to the tape was… unprecedented .
Flinching, my eyes welled with the evidence of my hurt. For an hour, I’d been locked away in his study with Supreme and my mother in an attempt for them to Iyanla Vanzant my life.
I wanted to tell them to leave it alone. Wanted to tell them it wasn’t their business. Wanted to try to fix the mess alone with Duke, but my family meant well. It was in my best interest to accept their help, but after sixty minutes, we’d gotten nowhere.
“You’re discussing plans for my life as if I’m not old enough to make decisions for myself. Marriage won’t make this go away. I’m not marrying Duke.”
“So, what are you doing making sex tapes with him? A marriage would help your reputation and make your salacity less repulsive to the public.”
“Now I’m repulsive?”
Through pursed lips and a nodding head, I fought my tears. I didn’t need this. Refusing to stand for my own father berating me, I rose and stepped toward the door.
“ Serenity Grace Miller !”
Ramsay’s voice boomed like thunder and rain. I refused to pause or wait for him to utter another word. Smut, repulsive, disgusting. From his lips, a host of words had been freed, inflicting further damage.
Tell me how you really feel, Daddy .
“You know that’s not what I said or meant . Sit down.”
I was doing no such thing. A daddy’s girl, it wasn’t often he and I clashed heads as we currently were. The room went still as everyone waited for me to do as I was told. Instead of returning to my seat, I continued for the door, turning the handle and exiting the study.
“Serenity!”
Like an echo ringing in my ears, I heard them calling my name. The air had become suffocating as I fought to navigate through my feelings, their feelings, and the pungent smoke overhead. It made it difficult to breathe. One foot ahead of another, I stayed the course and headed out of my parent’s house. I’d gotten myself into the mess I was currently in. I had no issue getting myself out.
“So, yeah, I left.”
Recalling the string of events that led me to Tori’s office at Demure , I chewed my gum and waited for her response. It was a welcome reprieve from the persistent cameras snapping photos or recording me every chance they got.
“You not wrong.”
Shit, I knew that . But hearing it from her made me feel even more justified. For weeks, a weight rested on my chest, and there were some days I didn’t want to lay it all on Duke. He deserved a reprieve, too.
The assistance my family sought to provide would be more problematic than helpful. The cybersecurity companies Duke hired had been effective in clearing all traces of the recording from the internet. All we had to do now was locate the culprit. Restoring my reputation would prove fruitless. I had a choice in the matter: I could either die on the hill or stand on ten toes and triumph. Triumph didn’t mean legally attaching myself to a man.
“But at some point, you’ll need to fix things with your dad.”
“It ain’t happening today.”
“I believe you. How are things with you and Duke? Have you all discovered who was responsible for the leak?”
I sighed. “No. Duke has been beating himself up about it, but I’m beginning to feel like it’s all my fault we’re in this mess.”
“What do you mean?”
“Tori, I took the tape from his possession. He had a version on his computer, sure, but I took the original. Since taking it, I can’t find it anywhere.”
“I know you lyin,” she deadpanned
“I wish I was.”
The first week of the scandal, Colonial’s stocks dipped dramatically. Duke’s father wasted no time phoning him to tell him he’d be taking over the pipeline business. Our lives were falling apart, and we were galivanting through Japan’s countryside, giving little fucks.
Duke promised he was fine with the change. The oil business had been depleting him. While he loved to travel, traveling for business was far from fun, and he hated being away from me for weeks at a time. He still had Colonial Holdings and Genevieve . With extra free time, he spent it helping me with plans for the third and fourth spas.
“Find that damn tape, sis,” Serenity pressed, dragging me from an empire of thoughts.
“I’m trying,” I whined, dipping my head back until it connected with the seat. “I turned my condo upside down looking for that damn thing. I’ve looked all over Duke’s place as well. I can’t find it.”
“Damn, Reni.”
What did it matter anyway? Finding the tape wouldn’t make the public slander magically disappear. We’d already been exposed. The things done on that tape were worthy of high-priced porn. I’d let my guard down with the man I trusted and had a fucking ball doing so. Now, the entire world had seen.
It was guilt that fed on me, not regret. Guilt that I’d played a part in what happened. Guilt that perhaps—just maybe this shit was my fault. Guilt that I’d eventually have to release myself from and be accountable instead.
Supreme was right. Whatever phase my life was in, I’d have to coast it out. Not fighting against the currents. Not fearing what may swim in my direction. Just floating.
I left Tori’s office feeling helpless. Helpless and fucking exhausted. Instinctively, I directed Reed to the place where my nervous system rested. A place I felt most myself.
Duke’s place.
“Where are the marshmallows?”
Duke was stretched across the L-shaped sectional, mindlessly flipping through the channels before switching to Netflix.
“They not in the pantry?”
“I don’t see them!” I called out, bobbing, weaving, stooping, and standing on tip-toe, trying to locate the elusive sweet. Every week before my cycle started, I had to have a s’more or two. Since last Christmas, I’d become an addict, stuffing them in my oven to get them brown. Broiling the marshmallows in the oven didn’t hit the same as over a fire. Since Duke had a firepit, I often found myself at his house to roast them.
“Right here, Bumble Bee.”
From behind, Duke’s voice reverberated, causing me to jump at his unexpected proximity. His lips were on my neck in an instant, laying kisses and causing my knees to buckle.
“This is me checking in.”
“I can’t find the tape,” I blurted.
I was tired of keeping my slip up from him. We were building something together. A future in which I didn’t want to string lies or dishonesty into. He’d been so hard on himself for not having enough firewalls and shit on his laptop, but this loss we’d slowly been transforming into a win likely wasn’t his fault. In the last few weeks, we’d experienced a shift. I’d experienced a shift. It felt like the weight of responsibility concerning our little porno was rightfully on me.
Snubbing his nose, Duke tilted his head and readjusted his stance. “What do you mean?”
In an instant, space was issued when I only wanted to be in his arms. He squinted, blinked twice, and shook his head. His anger was apparent and rose with every second. I’d never been on his bad side, and I didn’t desire to be now.
“What you saying, Bee? You leaked the video of us?”
“I didn’t leak it , but I had the original in my purse. Now it’s not there.”
Head tilted, he squinted. “What do you mean it’s not there? Where did you take it?”
“I—I didn’t take—”
“Serenity, not the tape. The purse , baby. Where did you take it?”
“ Everywhere . I mean… That’s one of my everyday bags. I take it with me wherever.”
Propping his arm up against the pantry door frame, he went silent again with that reflective look on his face. Thinking. Roaming. Composing a solution. Fixing our problems. He never dwelled on problems. Only solutions. It was one of the many things I loved about him. He never lingered long in negativity before locating a potential fix. For several seconds, he held that distant look. Computing with his hands folded atop his head.
“Mya still in your yoga class?”
“No. I had security ban her from the premises when you told me to. Why? Do you think she’d—”
“I don’t think. I know . Did you have that bag with you when you called yourself visiting her?”
It was my turn to showcase the void in my eyes. Lips parted and eyes glazed, I remembered that day in my fiery rage. Carelessly, I had been ambling around with that tape instead of allowing Duke to keep it in his safe.
“ Shit .”
It was all the confession he needed before desperation morphed into exasperation.
Without uttering another word, Duke stormed out of the penthouse, leaving me standing there holding the bag of marshmallows.