15. Koi #2
I drove home in silence, turned my phone off, and set a bubble bath. My head was now feeling like it had a heartbeat of its own. I took a Tylenol PM, slipped under the water, and relaxed. I did get out until the water became cool and my fingers began to wrinkle.
I washed off, using my favorite lavender scented soap. Sleep was the only thing on my mind. I slipped off the towel, tossing it on the chair in the corner of my room, set my thermostat to sixty nine, and got under the blanket.
I was in dreamland until I heard the sound of someone pounding on my front door. I threw the blanket back, hopping up, almost tripping over my slippers as I tried to grab my robe.
“Hold on!” I shouted. Whoever was on the other end was gonna break down my door sooner or later. “I said hold on!”
Roman was on the other end of the door with a look on his face that I couldn’t read.
“Fuck is wrong with your phone?” He had never spoken to me the way he was now. The corporate man I had a crush on was now acting like he was just another nigga from the hood.
“It’s off.” I moved to the side, letting him walk past me.
“No shit. It’s off and you ain’t checked in. Last message you left me on read. Fuck is up with that?”
“Roman, I don’t know. I've been busy. Just being to myself, that’s all.”
“Yo yourself? So, you couldn’t let me know you needed some time alone?
Got me worried and shit, and you just wanna be left alone,” he sucked his teeth.
“I can take honesty. I appreciate straightforwardness. What I hate is for someone to not communicate like an adult.” I could see that he was really ticked off.
That wasn’t my intention, but I also had been putting people before me lately, and that too had to stop.
“I hear you, but if I said I needed time, you’d want a reason why.
Then you would try to come and fix it, and I don’t need that, Roman.
” I sat on the sofa. “I know that’s what you do.
You’re a fixer. You want to make sure I’m good, but I honestly want to make sure I’m good.
” I sighed before biting my bottom lip. “I like you. I may even care for you deeply, but I can’t do that. I can’t fall for you right now.”
“Why not?”
I didn’t need to bring up his marriage; he was reminded of that all the time. “We are just not looking for the same things. I don’t know what I’m looking for, and from the way you are with me and then her, you don’t know either.”
“Fuck that, I know what I want.”
“So, move in with me then. Let’s make it official. Set up the divorce.” I threw out demands I knew he couldn’t commit to.
“Move in?” Are we even that far along? If anything come to my place. I’ll give you a key, and we work our way up to moving in.”
“Just like I thought.” I knew he wasn’t ready for it, but hearing him speak as if he was had my hopes high.
“I need space. I want space.” I blinked back the tears.
“I’m not gonna lie. I wanted you to jump at the idea.
We have been going strong for months. I thought we were getting somewhere, but we aren’t. ”
“Yes, the hell we are. Let’s go on a trip. Clear your mind and mine.”
“That may work at home, but I’ve been there, done that, and came home to the same shit once the dust settled.” I shrugged. I didn’t want to put a damper on Roman’s parade, but the truth was the truth.
“So, what is it you need, Koi? I’m not trying to be here just for a good time. I want to be here for a long time.” His eyes were sincere; his voice was low and soothing. I didn’t want to break; I had to stay focused on my needs, so I quickly looked away.
“I need time to myself. Can I have that?”
“Just don’t count me out ma.” He grabbed my hands, kissing my forehead. “I get it, and I am here when you’re ready.”
“Okay.” Roman let go of my hands, since you won’t let me take you on a trip, allow me to plan a relaxing day for you tomorrow or this week.”
“Can I let you know in the morning?”
“Sure.” He let out a sigh. “Have a good evening.”
Once Roman was gone I powered on my phone. Life was coming at me fast and from the text I received, it showed just how fast it was.
Rae: So, you just gonna do that to me and go missing.
Rae: Don’t make me use the address on your intake form, because I will.
Rae: Aight Koi, wassup foreal?”
I didn’t bother texting her, I tapped on her name.
“Girl what the hell?”
“I’m sorry, I just had a rough time this evening. I kinda need to just be to myself but I don’t need you trippin’.”
“What is going on? You know I’m your therapist first.” Her tone even.
“Life. Me and Marcel got into it, and he actually pushed me so hard I fell and hit my head.” Admitting it out loud was crazy.
“He hit you. Are you okay?” Her voice rose an octave higher. “Where are you?”
“I’m home Rae. I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine. If he put his hands on you that’s not okay and you should not normalize that.”
“Look, it's okay. I’m fine, I left and I’m not going back.” There was silence. “About earlier, I know what happened, I enjoyed it, but Rae I don’t know.”
“You don’t know what? Do you want this to end?”
“It’s not that I want it to end, it's just right now I’m so confused with my feelings. I’m all over the place and you’re married.”
“Girl fuck my marriage, okay? If you want this to stop, we can stop it, if you want to continue, we can do that too, but I won’t pressure you to do anything you don’t want to.”
“I hear you, but I’ve also met a guy, and I know I’ve mentioned him briefly but it’s getting serious with us too quickly.”
“Hmm, okay. A guy. Well...” Silence filled the air. I had to call out Rae’s name to make sure she hadn’t ended the call on me. “I’m here. Umm, so let’s fall back. I can’t hurt myself behind you or this situation.”
Offended I snapped my neck back, looked at the phone and spoke.
“Behind me? Rae, I didn’t start this shit, you did, you knew where I was at in life!
” I was now yelling at the top of my lungs.
“Everyone came on to me. I was minding my fucking business, you and the dude I am fucking with! I am single.”
“Relax Koi. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Fuck that, Rae. I’m good,” I hung up. She had some nerve getting in her feelings. The shit was beyond my control.
Rae: Koi I don’t want to fight or argue.
I want to protect myself and my feelings also.
I love you and that shit is real. I’m married and it’s fucked up.
I know but it doesn’t change the feelings I have for you.
I knew it was tricky and messy from the start, but I couldn’t help but to follow my feelings and not my brain. I can fix this. We can fix this.
Koi: No, we can’t. I’m going to leave you alone. Don’t worry about me, I’ll show up for my sessions until I find a new therapist.
Rae: Look. I came off wrong. The lines got blurred yes, we got caught up yes, but I don’t want any beef with you. Come to my family’s BBQ tomorrow. You know I ain’t got many friends and I rather us just talk in person.
Koi: Is that smart? With you loving me and all?
Rae: Just trust me. Come and have a good time. I’ll be on my best behavior.
Koi: You know I’ll show my black ass if I have to, so you better be on your best behavior.
Rae: And will. I’ll see you tomorrow.
“See how easy and quick it was to do a session and now we can go have some fun.” Rae was sitting in the chair across from me in her parents’ study.
Their house was beautiful, but the study was amazing.
The number of books and antique art that lined the walls was like a showing in a museum. “But any way you look cute.”
“Thanks,” I tried to act modest. The situation was weird, but our interaction didn’t change. As much as I hated to admit it, Rae was a cool ass chick, she just wanted me more than I could provide.
“Ready for some food and drinks? I’m starving.”
“I’ll have food, I don’t really want to drink.” I followed behind her. “You said your husband wasn’t coming right?”
“Chile, as much as I’d like to say he’s coming, he’s not. So, you can meet him another time.”
“Okay cool.” I stood off to the side as she introduced me to her parents.
They looked like the modern day Clair and Cliff Huxtable, which is what I expected after having a mini tour of their house.
Rae was the epitome of a trust fund baby.
She wanted for nothing but was forced to give up what her parents had for her because of her lifestyle choices.
“Here, take a sip, that’s all.” She held up a cup of liquor to my mouth.
Out the corner of my eye, I spotted her mother, who was staring at us with a disapproving look on her face.
I didn’t want to drink but the way she cut her eyes at me, I hurriedly drank the drink before tapping Rae on her thigh. “What?”
“Your parents are watching us. You sure you want to be that friendly in front of them?”
“Girl fuck them. They only wanna see me follow their rules. I’m over it.”
“I hear you.”
“And where is your husband? I hope this child here isn’t your date. You said she was a client.” Her mother twisted up her lip in disgust. I wanted to speak but I knew it would only infuriate her, so I kept my mouth shut.
“Mother please. This is my client and friend, do not try to embarrass me and second of all you know my husband is not coming.”
“Roman, my son. I thought you were gonna stand us up like last time.” I turned on my heels, eyes wide open in shock, stomach uneasy and my breathing labored.
“C’mon now pops, where’s my wife at?” He looked through the crowd as I moved over swiftly just as his eyes landed on Rae.
“Whelp. Let’s go meet my darling husband.” She grabbed my arm, pulling me through the small crowd.
I wanted to disappear; my hands became clammy the closer we got. Roman spotted me soon enough and unlike myself he blew it up.
“Koi?”