29. Present Day – January
29
PRESENT DAY – JANUARY
JOSIE
T here’s crushed ice ready in the freezer, and Ella’s favourite peach schnapps in the fridge. When she arrives at my front door, her cheeks are flushed and her hair ruffled.
‘All okay?’ I ask. ‘And by okay, I mean have you just been having sex or …?’
She rolls her eyes and lifts her helmet up. ‘Nate dropped me off. This is helmet head, not bedhead.’
‘Thanks for coming over.’ I lead her to the kitchenette, then look back and waggle my eyebrows. ‘I have all the ingredients we need for Sex on the Beach, but I was inspired by something I saw on Insta earlier and so grabbed some pomegranate juice. It’s called Sex on a Motorcycle .’
‘I thought you were cutting back on alcohol?’
‘That seemed to be preventing me from achieving my other resolution, so I decided to master one at a time.’ I get the ingredients out on the counter and mutter, ‘It’ll have to be Dry February or something, I don’t know how anyone can deal with a dating app sober.’
While I make our drinks, Ella sits on my sofa, my computer on her lap, checking over my self-assessment form.
My phone buzzes with a notification.
‘Ah, that fucking app. Don’t know why I bother,’ I mumble as I open it, bracing myself to see the latest assault to my senses.
If it’s not dick pics, they’re either totally self-centred or boring as sin. I’ve had a couple of conversations which led nowhere. It’s so frustrating. I had a taste of nirvana with Scott, a smorgasboard of emotions, of sensations, and then it was ripped away from me and now I’m left with … bland. Basic and beige.
Ella looks up from my computer and nods. ‘All seems fine, my lovely.’ She shifts the laptop to the coffee table. ‘You can send it off.’
‘Thanks, that’s a weight off my mind. I’m so shit at that stuff.’
‘No, you’re not. You nailed it.’
I’m about to argue that I really do feel completely incompetent at all things organised when she steeples her fingers together and says, ‘So, how are things these days with you and Scott?’
There’s a familiar drop in my stomach at the thought of him.
‘Oh yeah, things are great with my bestie Scott. We’re like that.’ I hold my crossed fingers up and then roll my eyes. ‘No, really, it’s fine. It’s not like he made me come so hard I can still kind of feel it now.’ My joke falls flat as the unexpected truth slips out. I sigh and shake my head, forcing a smile. ‘I’ve been seeing him semi-regularly when I collect Jamie. I’m determined to make it not weird between us.’
Ella fixes me with a look, one eyebrow raised.
I bring our drinks over and set them on the table before plonking myself down next to her. ‘Okay, I almost made it weird between us on New Year. I thought it might force his hand if he helped me set up my dating profile, maybe he’d see sense and get jealous. But no. He didn’t really say anything at all.’
‘Jose, it’s not like you to be so … evasive.’
‘What?’ I hook my knees up under myself.
‘You’re direct. You say what you think. You get what you want. Hell, you make me stand up for myself. Why aren’t you going in, all guns blazing to get what you want?’
I’m tired , I want to yell at her. I’m exhausted from feeling like a stupid kid who has to prove herself all the time. I can’t be told that something I want is a ludicrous flight of fancy again. I can’t face the pitying rejection of him turning me down because I’m a silly little girl who doesn’t understand things. I know I’m some silly little girl who doesn’t understand things. I’ve been told enough times.
None of this is Ella’s fault.
So I don’t shout at her.
Instead, I tell her a truth I can bear to admit.
‘He made it quite clear. I’m too young. It’d be dishonourable to Marcus’s memory. You didn’t see how full of regret his eyes were.’
‘Oh chick, I’m sorry. He’s been such a dick.’
‘Recently,’ I say almost mournfully, ‘he hasn’t. He’s been exactly like he said he would be. Kind of like a friend. If not a friend then friendly. ’ I curl my lip.
Can’t even be mad at the guy for ghosting us after Marcus died anymore, not when I consider how my parents are.
Ella sets her brown doe-like gaze on me and I almost can’t take the sympathy. I huff, trying to break the tension. ‘It’s his loss, right?’
Ella nods emphatically and we take a sip of our cocktails.
‘So …’ she draws out the syllable.
‘Yes …’ I copy her tone.
‘What can I put you down for, for the fundraiser? You said you’d donate a picture for the auction. It’s for charity,’ she adds rapidly as if I’d change my mind otherwise.
I cast my eyes over my recent paintings, all propped against the far wall. ‘Stuff’s selling pretty well on my Etsy shop. I’m actually running out of content. How about a bespoke painting, like a painting of their house or something?’
Please no requests for a portrait.
‘Oh my God. You’d do that?’
‘Of course. It’s for a good cause, isn’t it?’
‘That’s brilliant. And significantly more appealing than the hour’s accounting consultancy I’m offering.’ She wraps me in a hug. ‘Thank you.’
A notification on my phone pings. A red dot over my dating app.
Reading my face, Ella asks, ‘What is it?’
‘Maybe another dick pic.’ I wince. ‘You open it and check.’ I slide my phone across to Ella. Sitting back, I say, ‘You know, I wouldn’t mind if they posed for them a bit better.’
‘Ugh, I know what you mean. I don’t want to see a close up of some nob filling my screen. Especially when I’ve not asked for one.’ Ella tips her head to the side. ‘But an arty dick pic on the other hand …’
‘That’s different gravy.’
‘Exactly.’ She grins.
I gesture around the room. ‘It’s all about the lighting. The perspective. And,’ I sit forwards, raising a finger, ‘they should be creative.’ Ella nods along with me as I strike a pose curling my fist up to my forehead, resting my elbow on my hip and pout at Ella like I’m some sort of male model.
Laughing, she holds up my phone. ‘Wish me luck.’ Ella taps the screen and I watch her eyes flick over it before she looks up with a smirk. ‘Not a dick pic. You might want to see this.’