39. Present Day – January
39
PRESENT DAY – JANUARY
JOSIE
S cott fills me completely, and I don’t think I’ve felt this grounded for a long time. His hands slam on to my hips, digging into me as he holds me in exactly the right spot.
I wrap my arms around his broad shoulders, burying my face in his neck, and he thrusts up into me. It’s all I can do to cling on. The sensation, it’s too much. It’s what I’ve been wanting for so long. I knew I wasn’t imagining how good this felt.
As I ride him, he whispers my name over and over. Telling me all the things I’ve been longing to hear.
‘Oh my God, that’s good.’
‘Angel, Josie, you feel so good.’
‘I missed you.’
‘I missed this.’
‘I missed us.’
As he whispers how well I’m taking him into the shell of my ear, a shudder runs from my crown down to my toes, and I can’t help but grip down on everything . My hands clench on his shoulders, my teeth sink into his neck where I can’t stop kissing him, my thighs squeeze at his waist and my pussy almost strangles his cock. I can tell because he gasps and somehow manages to get bigger inside me. I can feel him everywhere and the stretch is … exquisite.
He slides his hand into my hair, pulling it into a ponytail and wrapping it around his fist. He tugs down, angling my head so he can kiss me deeper, and gains pace. Then he catapults me off the precipice. It’s not me. He’s done this to me. I didn’t even see it coming. It’s all I can do to cling to him as I free-fall through a burst of colours, reds and oranges — golds — exploding around me.
‘Fuck,’ my voice comes out hoarse. ‘If I’d have known sending you into a jealous rage would do the trick, I’d have done this a lot sooner.’
‘It wasn’t a jealous rage.’ Scott rests his head on mine. We’re still tangled together. He’s still inside me. ‘I was genuinely concerned for your safety.’
‘Uh huh.’ I chuckle, unconvinced.
‘Angel.’ His nickname sends a shiver through me, his voice earnest. ‘I don’t want to play games anymore.’
‘Sometimes games are fun.’ He probably can’t see my cheeky smirk from where I’m wrapped around him.
‘You make a good point.’ He drops a kiss on my temple and inhales deeply. ‘But I only want to play the fun ones.’
‘Are you sniffing my hair?’
‘Would you believe me if I said no?’
‘Nope.’ I pop the P.
‘Would you like to come inside?’ His voice is quiet, almost tentative, like I might turn him down.
I pull away and twitch my eyebrow to tease, ‘Only if you make love to me again?’
Face straight, he holds my gaze for a beat and then rasps, ‘Only if you say please.’ Then he cocks his eyebrow right back at me.
Scott disentangles us and sorts out the condom, before wrapping an arm around my shoulder and walking us to the dark entrance.
He tugs the door and it gives a rattle. Locked. ‘Enzo closed up, looks like he’s gone now.’
A glance around the deserted car park. ‘No sign of Jamie either, thank God. There’s some things little brothers don’t need to see.’
As Scott sorts through his keys he says, ‘He was worried about you earlier.’
‘I’ll let him know I’m okay.’
I ping off a message to Jamie while Scott lets us in. He takes my hand and guides me through the gloom.
He stops, and suddenly big hands are lifting me, carrying me, and then he rests me on a stool. I peer in the dim light. He’s not placed me on any stool, but my stool. His fingers curl into my hair as he kisses me tenderly, and I wrap my legs around his waist. It feels so right being locked together like this.
Gripping me tightly, he lifts me off my perch and walks deeper into the pub. Soon I’m pressed against a doorframe, his lips soft as they move over mine. Stark contrast to the frantic pawing from months before. I get lost in the sensations of his touch, his kisses.
At some point he carries me into the hall at the back. I find myself being pressed into the wall at the bottom of the stairs. His mouth is warm, exploring mine but not invading it. It’s as if he’s trying to rewrite the narrative from the last time I was here after last orders. Tender and loving, not fast and frantic.
‘Hey.’ I pull away slightly, cupping his cheeks. ‘It’s okay.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Are you trying to recreate when I was last here? Last November?’
‘Nope.’ He brushes his mouth over my neck, his breath hot on my skin.
‘Are you sure? Because this feels a lot like you trying to re-enact that night, but with romance rather than … raw, frantic fucking.’
‘I’m not. This is different.’ His lips wander lazily down to my collarbone, entirely unrushed.
Pleasure zaps my synapses. ‘How?’
He pauses, then sucks my earlobe, grazing it gently with his teeth, before pulling away a fraction. ‘No wet t-shirt contest this time.’
I arch into him. ‘It could be arranged.’
His growl vibrates through both of us, making me chuckle.
‘I’m not trying to rewrite anything. I’m just trying to … savour you. Kissing you in every place I’ve ever looked at and wanted to kiss you.’
‘Do you mean in the bar?’ I bite my lip and stick my chest into him further. ‘Or on my body?’
‘Both.’
‘Well,’ I twist the hair at the nape of his neck and purr, ‘don’t let me stop you. Where next?’
‘My sofa, I think.’
The darkness intensifies, but his steps are sure as he takes me upstairs. We take our time finding the sofa and lazily kiss, entwined together for I don’t know how long, like we both know there’s no need to rush this.
‘Where are my manners?’ Scott says eventually. ‘I haven’t even offered you a drink yet.’
He reaches past me and clicks on a low light as I drawl, ‘Worst. Bartender. Ever.’
He settles back in front of me. ‘You want your usual?’
I rest my gaze on him, his eyes so deep I could fall into those fathomless pools. ‘Yes, please.’
My stomach does its typical Scott-induced flip when he smiles. Deep creases crinkling, those amber flecks a melting pot.
As he rustles up some drinks, I look around the room. It’s minimalist, to say the least. No trinkets or photos, but I guess that’s a guy thing. The coffee table is messy with papers, however, along with an open laptop, two remote controls and an abandoned mug,
I take my passionfruit and soda gratefully, and Scott mumbles a sorry about the mess as he tries to clear space on the coffee table. As he repositions it, the laptop flares into life, light blasting from the screen.
He slams the screen down. A guilty expression on his face.
‘ Okay ?’ I drag out the word. ‘Nothing to see there, I take it.’
‘It was, erm, nothing.’
‘You don’t need to hide your porn from me. In fact,’ I wiggle my brows, ‘I’d be more than happy to watch it with you.’
‘It wasn’t porn .’ He coughs and his focus shift to the closed screen, then back to me.
‘ Right .’ I stretch out the word.
‘No, really, it was … stupid films of me and Marcus. I didn’t want you to get blindsided with an image of him.’
I sit up straighter, heart suddenly thrumming. ‘You’ve got videos of my brother?’
‘Yeah, loads of them. You … you want to see?’
‘Hell yes!’ My stomach is in free fall with the thought. I’m worried I’m forgetting what he looks like.
‘Let’s get comfy because … have I got a show for you.’
Scott picks up the laptop and starts to lift the screen. In my eagerness to see, I reach out for it, trying to speed him up.
‘Ah ah!’ He holds his hand up to stop me. ‘Now, what you see here can never be spoken about in polite company, and … please don’t judge me by my fashion choices. Some of these are almost fifteen years old. It was completely acceptable at the time.’
I hold my palm out and gesture a ‘gimme’ at the computer until he flips it open and the screen bursts to life. A paused video appears.
‘And we’re about fifteen in some of these so … you know, stupid impressionable boys. Don’t judge?—’
‘Fuck, Scott, show me the fucking film. You were both stupid teenagers, I get it. Show. Me.’
He places the laptop back onto the coffee table. ‘You asked for it.’
He hits play and the film resumes. Scott slides an arm around me, pulling me in close while we watch.
The grainy footage is from outside in a park. Scott’s hanging from some monkey bars and then Marcus runs into shot. My hand flies to my mouth to see my brother, butterflies whirl. And then Marcus pelts a football straight at Scott’s crotch.
I feel him flinch next to me. The swearing’s muffled, but the groan from teenage Scott is very clear. He jumps down and rolls on the floor. Marcus is laughing, runs and gets the ball. He gives it to Scott who seems to recover instantly, and they swap places. My hand stays bolted to my mouth as I watch the Neanderthals repeat this twice more each. I don’t think I blink, trying to absorb every minute detail.
Scott reaches across me and hits the stop button. ‘Yeah … so … we were idiots.’
‘Don’t stop it, though.’
‘It does not get better,’ he says. ‘Here, there’s others.’
The next film is Marcus holding his phone in selfie mode, while he and Scott go on a rollercoaster together. I can’t help laughing at the close up of their terrorised faces, and then the way they try to make themselves look big and brave when they remember they’re on camera.
Almost overwhelmed, I breathe, ‘This is …’
‘Awful. I know.’
‘Priceless.’ My eyes fill with tears. Happy tears at seeing my stupid reckless big brother in the prime of his life.
The next film starts and it’s in Marcus’s bedroom. I can tell by the blue check bedding and ripped Rihanna poster. The lighting is low and Scott is sat on the bed leaning against the wall.
I drop my head onto his shoulder. ‘Don’t tell me you two made a sex tape.’
‘Fuck off.’ Scott chuckles. ‘I don’t know what this is, but I think I’d remember that.’
‘How do you not know?’
‘I haven’t watched them all yet. Your brother only just gave them to me.’
‘My brother?’
‘Yeah. Jamie gave me a couple of flash drives the other week. Said he’d found them and thought they were mine.’
‘Little shit’s been holding out on me,’ I joke. ‘Oh wait, something’s happening.’
Marcus moves into shot, his head comically big from leaning into the lens. ‘Jacklads episode, I don’t know, four hundred and ninety two.’
‘What’s on today’s show, dude?’ Young Scott puts on a silly TV presenter’s voice.
Marcus pulls something out of his pocket and offers it to Scott. ‘Today we are investigating part two in the downfall of society’s youth to sex and drugs and rock ’n’ roll.’
‘If this part is sex, then I am not down for that.’ Young Scott grabs a pillow and clutches it across his middle.
‘See,’ Scott whispers. ‘Told you it wouldn’t be a sex tape.’
‘Shhh!’ I hush him with a giggle.
‘I give you a big fat chronic sack .. .’ Marcus raps out Dr Dre’s Deeez Nuuuts.
‘Oh.’ Scott stiffens beside me. ‘Yeah, we don’t have to watch this one. We got high and I have no idea what we said.’
I still his hand as he goes to turn it off. ‘Please can I watch?’
‘If you insist.’ He swipes his floppy hair back. ‘But I can’t imagine this was our finest work.’
I knew my brother wasn’t perfect. Hell. He was a loose goose. So seeing him experimenting as a teenager does not surprise me. My heart full, I blink through the tears pricking at my eyes, privileged to get these extra memories after I thought there wouldn’t be the chance for any more.
The boys talk shit for a while, the room hazy from the smoke, then younger Scott says, ‘I love you, man.’
As we sit curled up together, I rub a lazy hand on his chest, gripping him tighter when I hear a hitch to his breathing.
‘No. I love you , man.’ Marcus slumps down on the bed, staring at the ceiling. ‘You’re like a brother to me.’
‘No, you’re like a brother to me .’
‘Wait. We both already have brothers.’ They both giggle until they start coughing.
‘Imagine if we were brothers.’ Marcus’s voice is spacy and slurred.
‘That’d be so cool …’ The last word lengthens as Scott trails off.
‘We could invent a time machine and go back and make our parents bone. That’d work.’
Young Scott sits up. ‘No man,’ his words come out slowly. ‘That’s sick. I don’t … I don’t want to think of them boning.’
‘I don’t know how else we could be brothers, dude.’ Marcus’s voice cracks, sounding devastated like there’s no options left.
‘Adoption?’ Young Scott offers.
‘Wait.’ Marcus flicks out a finger. ‘You could marry my sister. Then we’d be brothers.’
‘Fuck, dude.’ Scott’s shoulder nudges Marcus. ‘Like you’d let me marry your sister. You’d kick my arse.’
‘No, I’d kick your arse if you hurt my sister. You treat her right, you’d be fine. You break her heart, and I’d end you.’ Marcus laughs. ‘If we were brothers, we could play Xbox all the time. What if my mum married your dad?’
‘Now we’re back to boning again.’ Younger Scott runs his fingers across his crew cut and winces.
‘Did you see that photo going round of Bonnie?’ Marcus sniggers.
‘Fuck, she must be so embarrassed.’
Marcus gives an exaggerated nod. ‘I’d be embarrassed if a topless picture of me went around school.’
‘No you wouldn’t.’ Scott giggles. ‘You try and streak all the time.’
‘Good point.’
I’m suddenly aware Scott is sitting incredibly still next to me. I’ve been so absorbed in the ravings of two teenage stoners, I have no idea how long he’s been frozen for.
Head on his shoulder, I turn to look at him. ‘You’ve not seen that one before, I take it?’
He lets out a heavy breath. ‘Nope.’
Sitting myself up a little, I fake a huff. ‘Just think of all the time you wasted being fucking honourable. ’ I roll my eyes pretending I’m mad at him. I whack him on the arm. ‘ Respectful, indeed .’ My voice raises as I chide, ‘You could have been banging my brains out, all this time.’
He closes his eyes behind his thick lashes, and takes in another weighty breath. ‘Totally deserve this. I’m feeling kind of stupid here.’
Before he can move, I pivot, straddle his lap, and cradle his face in my hands. His brow is rumpled. ‘Don’t . I’m just playing.’
Scott slides his hands over my thighs, around to my backside, pulling me closer to him. ‘But if I’d have watched the videos in one go …’ He swirls around my hips and back down my thighs again. ‘Could have found out that little gem of information a lot sooner. Might have prevented several weeks of …’
‘Torture?’ I offer and he nods, eyes solemn. I shake my head with a small smile and press a kiss to his frown. ‘I get why you savoured them. Don’t be hard on yourself.’
‘But—’
‘You want me to make you grovel?’
‘I’d be happy to.’ He looks up at me, expression earnest as he finger walks to skim under the hem of my dress.
‘Life’s too fucking short to hold a grudge. And besides, I kinda like enraging a jealous beast in you.’ I drop another kiss onto him, this time to his temple. ‘Shows me you really want me.’
He barks out a laugh. ‘I’ve just spent months trying not to show you that.’
I kiss the other side, my lips brushing over the slightest peppering of grey hairs above his ears. His scowl slowly dissipates. He takes a deep breath, shutting his eyes and seemingly breathing in the moment.
Eventually his gaze meets mine. ‘I’m so sorry.’ His eyes are doing that swirling thing again, and this time I understand the regret in them. It’s not regret for what had happened between — it’s regret for the loss of anything more.
‘Can I ask you something?’ My voice sounds wispy to my own ears. I’m hesitant to ask, but I have to know. My heart rate quickens in anticipation of his response. ‘What about the age gap? When you said no …’ His jaw tightens as if he’s wincing. ‘It wasn’t just about my brother. You said I was too young.’
I’ve never felt more vulnerable, more childlike, than I do as the seconds stretch out between us and Scott finally settles that intense gaze on me.
‘I was … ignorant .’ He takes a while to pick his words. ‘It was an easy presumption to make. An easy out. Another barrier to put up. Another way of convincing myself I was making the right choice.’
He stops and rolls his bottom lip between his teeth.
I think I might combust as I wait to see if there’s a ‘but.’
‘But?’ I prompt, wondering why the hell I brought it up. What if he changes his mind now he remembers?
A smile twitches at the corner of his mouth, and then he frowns again, an eleven bracketing between his eyebrows.
‘You have to know,’ he whispers.
I shake my head. I don’t.
‘I think you’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever met. You … you’re inspiring . Fucking brave. Ballsy as hell. Passionate. Funny. Dedicated. Your art,’ he pauses as he reaches for a word, ‘ empire … what you’ve accomplished so far … is,’ he rumples his brow even deeper, ‘unbelievable. When I was twenty-two, I was blundering about this place relying on a loan from my parents and hiding from yours.’
I stick my tongue between my teeth, trying to work out his answer. ‘So what you’re saying is … the age gap doesn’t bother you?’
‘You want me to spell it out?’
I nod, eyes wide.
He grins. ‘You want me to say it again?’
I twist my lips together. ‘I mean, you said you’d grovel …’
‘What I’m saying is …’ He draws me even closer to him, resting his forehead against mine like it’s only us in the world. ‘I’m falling in love with you. And your age, or my age, or anything fucking else, is not going to change that. So no, there is no age gap. I am hopelessly smitten.’
I grind into his lap, pressing my boobs onto his broad chest, cocking my eyebrow to encourage him to continue.
‘And not just with your fucking ridiculous body.’ He punctuates his words with kisses. ‘But your brain ,’ his lips meet my forehead, ‘your heart.’ A kiss to my chest. ‘All of you.’ He looks up to me. ‘You make me feel younger — feel joy . You make me want to do better. You make me want to try things, risk things. You fucking glow, Josie. When you’re happy, you’re radiant. I want to bask in your fucking light.’
A grin spreads slowly across my face. ‘That’s quite the compliment coming from mister-oh-so-sensible-and-frowny all the time.’
‘I freely admit I was grumpy.’ He presses another kiss to my neck, his stubble prickling. ‘I was in a sulk because the only thing I wanted in the whole world,’ he runs his mouth down my throat, ‘that I couldn’t have,’ he bites down on the muscle where my neck meets my shoulder, making me arch into him, ‘was you .’ He sucks on my sensitive skin and through his kisses murmurs, ‘My angel.’