49. Present Day – February
49
PRESENT DAY – FEbrUARY
SCOTT
‘ D inner’s ready,’ Janet says as she comes into the sitting room.
I’d scarpered from the kitchen as soon as politely possible, seeking out Josie for my own benefit as much as to support her.
We follow Janet, taking our drinks through to the dining room, where she’s laid out small plates of goat’s cheese tartlet for starters. David sits at the head of the table, Janet on one side and Jamie on the other. Josie sits next to her mum and I take the spot I had when I was a teenager — at the foot of the table — Josie to my right, and Marcus’s empty chair to my left, between me and Jamie.
Fuck, the emptiness is deafening, and it’s hard to swallow past the lump in my throat.
We pick at the first course and Janet fills the silence by grilling Jamie on what seems to be a well-rehearsed set of questions. How’s his college work? Has he changed his mind on getting a bike? They’re death traps.
She glances at me and then back to Jamie as she says, ‘I hope your job’s not interfering with your assignments.’
I hold my hand up and say, ‘If we need to reconfigure Jamie’s shifts, it can be sorted. We can do whatever fits.’
‘It’s fine,’ Jamie groans, exasperated. Tipping his head back on his chair he gives the most thorough eye roll I’ve ever seen.
Feeling awkward, I change the subject. ‘This is delicious. Thank you so much.’
‘Yeah, thanks Mum.’ Josie smiles.
‘How are your parents these days?’ asks Janet. Her blue eyes are mirrors of Josie’s.
‘Great, thanks.’ I sip my water, conscious that I’m being closely watched. ‘They’ve moved to Spain, actually.’
‘Moved? As in, to live?’ Janet’s voice cranks up a notch.
‘Yeah.’ I give a one-sided shrug. ‘They’re really happy there.’
‘Do you still see them?’ Janet asks.
‘Not much.’ Josie slides her hand onto my knee, squeezing gently as I talk. ‘It’s a shame, but we video chat a lot.’
Janet’s gaze flicks to Josie and then back to me. ‘Would you ever want to go abroad?’
Josie’s grip gets impossibly sharper and I don’t think she’s actually breathing next to me.
‘Not permanently, no.’ Fidgeting, I run my free hand through my hair. ‘But I get the appeal.’
Janet seems to consider my response, eyes continuing to roam between Josie and me. Then, as if coming to a decision, she gives a tight smile. The clinking of cutlery on porcelain resumes until we’ve cleared our plates.
‘David, Jamie, will you help me bring the mains in, please?’ Janet asks.
The three Clarkes file out of the dining room, leaving me alone with Josie. She’s staring at me, teeth tugging at her bottom lip.
‘You okay?’ I whisper, ducking to kiss her cheek.
She shakes her head, wide-eyed. ‘I can’t do it. Can’t tell her.’
‘What’s changed?’ I frown.
Her voice trembles. ‘Today, it’s like, maybe we’ve turned a corner. She was less, you know, extra. But then … you saw her face when you mentioned your parents living abroad.’
‘Yeah?’
Her words rush out, hushed and anxious. ‘You know her brain would have immediately flipped to you moving abroad, too — me following you — her never seeing me again.’ She gives another head shake, firm this time. ‘That smile, that was her freaking out. I can’t do it to her.’
‘Josie,’ I breathe. ‘It’s not gonna be forever.’ I run my hand into her beautiful hair, wrapping my fingers in it, and kiss her forehead.
‘I’ve worked so hard trying to keep them happy. But going travelling is a big deal. Mum will see it like I’m fracturing our family further. I’ve got to pick the right moment.’ Her eyes shine with unshed emotion — it’s like sunlight hitting the sea. ‘The right way of saying it.’
I cup her face. ‘You know them best. We’ll tell them when you think it’s the right time.’ I drop my voice to try to ground her. ‘You’re in charge.’
‘ Guys ,’ Jamie interrupts us with a whine, pretending to look appalled. ‘I don’t need to know who the dom is in your relationship. We’ve not even eaten yet.’ He sets a dish in the middle of the table as if punctuating the point.
I expect a sassy retort from Josie, but she says nothing. She fiddles with her napkin, withdrawn with worry.
Sliding my hand on the soft denim of her thigh, I give a squeeze to remind her I’m here.
David comes in with a bowl of salad and Janet follows with a basket of garlic bread. We serve ourselves, scooping large helpings of the piping hot ratatouille onto our plates.
Without a word, David digs into his food, as if he wants to eat and be done with this meal as soon as possible. I’m not sure if I prefer his silent treatment and obvious distaste at me being here, or when he’s telling me off.
Jamie catches my eye and shoots me a look that says, it’s not you, it’s him . Can’t help but think he’s like this because of me.
As Janet tears a bit of garlic bread onto her side plate, she coughs and says, ‘You know, Josie, I’m relieved you’ve sorted your hair out.’
I glance at Josie’s auburn locks, long and silky and cascading down her chest. My eyes want to linger, but nope! Can’t be ogling Josie like this in her parent’s house.
‘Mum—’ Josie seems to stop herself arguing and a pitch of frustration courses through me on Josie’s behalf.
Be good for Josie, I remind myself . Don’t say anything to rock the boat.
If Josie can bite her tongue, I can, too.
As if wanting to fill the silence left by David, Janet takes a sip of wine and starts another tack. ‘So, Jamie, did you have that appointment with your careers advisor yet?’
‘No, I’ve got it booked in, though.’ He sighs. ‘Don’t worry about it.’
‘Well, I do. You know,’ her voice brightens, ‘Josie, you could probably speak to Jamie’s career advisor. You were a student there once, I’m sure they wouldn’t mind.’
What the fuck? I stiffen.
‘Mum, I don’t need career advice,’ Josie grits out. ‘I have a job.’
Unhappiness is radiating off her in waves. Under the table, I squeeze her hand, trying to send comforting, strengthening vibes through my fingertips.
Taking a deep breath, pulling her shoulders back, forcing a smile, Josie handles the criticism adroitly, but her grace in no way excuses it. I’m borderline seething.
‘Just saying, it wouldn’t do any harm to know your options.’ Janet places her glass back on the coaster.
With colour tingeing Josie’s cheeks, she swipes a lock of hair behind her ear. ‘Is it hot in here?’ She squirms, clearly uncomfortable, and fans herself. Wriggling her shoulders, she takes off her cardigan, slipping it over the back of the chair.
‘You need to make sure you wear sun cream, love, look at those moles on your arm.’ Janet frowns. ‘Have they all suddenly popped up? Should you see the doctor?’
Tension bleeds from Josie and I’m not sure I can contain myself much longer, what with her mum’s mithering and her dad’s sullen fugue.
‘They’re not moles.’ Josie rubs at her arm. ‘It’s a?—’
‘Jo Jo got a tattoo,’ laughs Jamie as if relieved the scrutiny isn’t directed at him again.
‘What?’ Janet grabs out for her daughter’s arm. ‘You know these last forever, don’t you?’
Josie’s jaw stiffens. My angel must be doing some cosmic deep breathing shit.
‘What if you regret it?’
‘I’m not going to regret it.’ Josie tugs her arm away. ‘It represents Marcus. It’s his constellation. His star sign.’
I speak up, wanting to show my solidarity with Josie. ‘This represents Marcus, too.’ I twist my head to show behind my ear.
Her mum frowns a little, shaking her head, but suddenly, Jamie is standing and undoing the top button of his shirt.
‘And this represents Marcus, too,’ he shouts out, unbuttoning it further.
‘Jamie!’ Janet shrieks.
He creases over in laughter. ‘Just kidding.’ He sings the last word. ‘I wanted to join in.’
‘So,’ she takes a deep breath, spreading her fingers on the table as she leans forward to assess him, ‘you haven’t got a tattoo on your body?’
‘No.’ His ears tinge with pink.
‘Well, put your chest away then, we’re at the dinner table.’