3. Twyla
CHAPTER 3
“I’ll make Luna some dinner. You go let Neil fix what’s bothering you, and I’ll get peace of mind knowing that my sweet niece will make it one more night without you poisoning her,” Astrid tells me, and Doc turns his head toward her.
“Goddess,” he rumbles, his warning tone saying more than words ever could.
She shrugs but looks a little chastised. “What? All the antibiotics they feed….” She doesn’t finish her sentence, so he must’ve given her a look that stopped her in her tracks. “I’m sorry. You’re right. Not the time. Love you, sis.”
“Love you too,” I murmur from the other side of her husband’s big body, and he leads me toward his study.
He guides me to the overstuffed leather chair and gestures for me to sit, then he takes the matching couch in front of me, seeing my brow is furrowed when he looks over at me. “Are you comfortable?”
I nod. “Yeah. Of course. It’s just… strange. At your office, you always take the chair, and we sit on the couch.”
He gives me a small smile before saying gently, “This couch is… special. I don’t allow anyone but your sister to sit on it now.” And at the twinkle in his eyes, I can imagine what would make a couch special and reserved solely for one’s wife, and my entire being flushes.
My hands go to my cheeks, and I press my cold fingers to my heated face. “This is what I’m talking about!” I cry out, my eyes filling with tears of frustration this time rather than self-pity.
“I missed what you and Astrid were talking about before the fast-food banter. Why don’t you fill me in on what’s bothering you?”
Instead of trying to calm myself and speak rationally, I blurt the first thing that pops into my head, which means it’s the God’s honest truth. “I don’t think I’m good enough for my husband.”
As stoic as Dr. Neil Walker normally is, I’m able to catch the split second his expression falters—his thick eyebrows dipping, his eyes narrowing slightly as there’s a blip of confusion within them, the tiny backward jerk of his head as he’s caught by surprise.
My husband is Doc’s very best friend. His brother, though not by blood, and not just because the two of them are married to sisters. They’re extremely close, the family they chose for themselves. He knows everything about Seth, down to his deepest, darkest secrets. Even more than I do, because of their many years of friendship and working together. Since that day Doc contacted Seth when he earned his master’s from MIT at the age of twenty, after having graduated from high school when he was thirteen, offering the certified genius a position as the tech guru behind a team of mercenaries Doc was putting together. When Seth heard Doc’s story, about why the world-renowned psychologist wanted to form a group of badass but stealthy mercs who focused their sights on rapists, he didn’t even hesitate. He was all in. And ever since that very moment, they’ve been thick as thieves, literal partners in crime.
But no one knows that. To everyone else, they own just a normal, everyday security company—not at all involved with the untimely deaths that look like complete accidents.
So I guess I should take it as a good sign that Doc looks taken aback by my outburst, seeing as he knows Seth better than anyone. He would be the one my husband would go to if he needed to vent to someone about being unhappy or unsatisfied. But still.
“What brought about these feelings? Did something happen? Did Seth say anything that would lead you to believe he’s disappointed with you in some way?” Doc asks, and his questions come rapid-fire, his voice tighter than I’ve ever heard it in the many official therapy sessions we’ve had at his office. His tone sounds almost… protective over me. Like he’s about to call up Seth and give him a stern talking to, which is both heart-warming—knowing my brother-in-law cares about me, and enough that he’d defend me against his own best friend—and startling, because…
“No! Seth has never spoken an unkind word to me since the moment we met. And nothing happened. It’s more… something hasn’t happened,” I tell him, seeing Doc immediately relax back in his special couch.
“All right. Good. Okay. Explain what you mean by something hasn’t happened.”
I push my glasses back up my nose and look upward, trying to find the words to help me make him understand. “Well, it’s like… take you and my sister for example. The two of you are so different from each other, but your differences seem to fit each other, like puzzle pieces. Where she has weakness, you seem to be extra-strong in that area. Where you’re super chill and this… calming presence, Astrid—thanks to you—is back to being her bright, exuberant self. Yet you adore her wildness instead of being uncomfortable around it, and your chill doesn’t, um… ‘kill her vibe,’ as Seth would probably say. Instead, it’s like she gets you to live a little, and you make her feel as if she’s not ‘too much,’ like she shouldn’t dull herself down just because some people might find her extra-ness intimidating.”
He nods. “And you feel that you and Seth aren’t like this?”
“Right,” I confirm.
He looks at me seriously. “Firstly, you do understand that every successful relationship is different, right? It’s not always an opposites-attract type of?—”
“Of course,” I interrupt. “I see all sorts of couples come into the shop. But I’m not talking about the opposites-attract thing. I’m more concerned about the part where Seth and I haven’t really… rubbed off on each other. Like how you calm Astrid when she may get overstimulated. Or how you get her to tone down a little when she could get herself in trouble or not realize when she’s being overbearing. Like in the kitchen a minute ago. You didn’t even say anything. You did some crazy Jedi mind trick, and she chilled on the bossy older sister thing she likes to do.”
“Jedi mind trick?” He raises a brow. “Twy, you just disproved yourself by saying that.” He grins. “Seth and his pop culture references have rubbed off on you enough that you now use them in conversation too.” He chuckles at my look of surprise.
“Well… I…. No. Not the same, Doc. Totally not so simple a thing as that. I’m talking about bigger, more important influence. Like… um… you know, sexually,” I finally get out, my face in flames once again. “See?” I screech, pointing to my blushing cheeks. “I can’t even say the word ‘sexually’ without getting embarrassed! I manage a freaking adult novelty shop, and I’m married to a Dominant who owns a whole freaking BDSM club. I am completely submersed in sex stuff twenty-four seven, and yet I never get acclimated to it. Not even slightly. Shouldn’t I be able to at least hold an adult conversation about… those things by now?”
“Twyla, you?—”
I huff, cutting him off. “And yes, I’ve been this way since Seth met me, but I can’t help but think he likely hoped I’d loosen up with time. Become more… adventurous, or at least be able to follow his orders without clamming up like I’m still the freaking virgin he first met. And I feel as if being this way is a downer.” My eyes tear up again, my frustration quickly turning into a feeling of unworthiness. “He’s so… perfect to me. Everything I never even knew to dream of. I could not be happier than I am with him as my husband. He’s my everything, and the best dad in the whole world too. And I just….” I shake my head. “He is an incredible Dom. There hasn’t been a single moment between us that made me think—not even for a second—that he shouldn’t somehow be officially acknowledged as the world’s greatest Dominant. If there was a competition, he would win it. Just like everything else, he’s a genius in BDSM as well.” My lip wobbles as I take a breath, and the last part comes out defeated. “And I’m not even close to being the sub he deserves.”
The room is quiet for long seconds, and Doc gives me time to come to grips with finally speaking the things that have been bothering me for months, if not longer. It’s always been in the back of my mind, but I was able to brush it off by telling myself it would just take time. It might take a while, but I’d get used to it. I’d be able to speak nonchalantly about this highly sexual world of ours, just like my husband and all our friends. Just like my sister.
But I’m still just as sensitive to it as I was the day I started working at Toys for Twats.
A box of tissues appears in my line of vision that had been aimed at my lap. I take one, thank Doc quietly, and use it to wipe beneath my glasses.
“Twy, with this, I feel it’d be beneficial to you if I spoke more as your friend than as your therapist. Even though it would be inappropriate for any Dominant other than your own to speak to you about such things, in this case, I’m coming to you more as your husband’s best friend, who is also your friend, letting you in on some things you might not realize. Do I have your consent for this conversation to be worded in a casual, familiar way instead of as a professional psychologist with his patient?” Doc asks, and my heart swells even more toward my brother-in-law. He’s such a wonderful man, and I’m so happy my sister gets to spend the rest of her life with this incredible human.
I nod. “Yes. Please. I’d really like that.”
He gives me a half-smile before he begins. “I knew Seth for many years before you two Quill girls came into our world. And while he’s always been the funny, goofy, good-natured person we all know and love, there was also this… damaged part of him before he met you. He’s always been a highly skilled Dominant who’s a stickler for the rules of this lifestyle, never breaking the trust of those who submitted to him. But inside, Sadist was the Dominant role he most identified as. And he had to be selective with the subs he played with, in order to be sure they were highly masochistic and wanted his level of sadism. But you healed that part of him, so he no longer feels the needs of a sadist, at least not nearly as strongly.”
I shift in my seat, not really hearing the last sentence he said, unable to control the jealousy I feel when I allow myself to think about my husband’s former submissives. When we first got together, the sole thing I cared about was making sure I would be his one and only. He’s the head trainer at the club, after all, where his style of teaching was always very hands-on before he met me.
My main concern was that he’d want to continue with that same teaching approach, even while being in a relationship with me. I feared he would say yes to subs who propositioned him to play for the first time, to experience submitting to a literal Master, or that he’d agree if former students and partners wanted to have another go. He’d always been a single man with no long-term sexual partners, so I didn’t know if he wanted or even had the ability to be in a monogamous relationship.
I made it clear that I didn’t have it in me to share him, so if he wanted to be with me, I needed him to be faithful. I needed to be the only woman in his life, the only one he’d ever touch, kiss… love.
I thought it would be a big ask.
To my surprise, it’s exactly what he wanted, and he craved the same thing from me. Although I thought it was silly he even thought I might someday allow, or even want, another man to touch me. I was a twenty-four-year-old virgin who finally found the one man I wanted to give myself to. Him. No one else would ever come close.
“Are you all right?” Doc asks, pulling my eyes up to meet his laser-blue ones watching me closely.
I blush again, but this time from shame. “I know it’s immature, but I get jealous when I think about his previous partners. Ignore me.” I wave off my emotions, but he surprises me by asking another question instead of continuing his story.
“Your feelings should never be ignored, Twy. Every emotion you feel is valid. So will you explain what you experience where Seven’s past subs are concerned?”
I smile inside, remembering Astrid saying something very similar when I got here earlier. Another example of how Doc is always rubbing off on her in a positive way.
“My jealousy, possessiveness, whatever you want to call it, ever since we established our monogamous relationship undoubtedly comes from my self-doubt in being a good submissive. I can’t help begrudging his former subs, because nothing could ever make me believe any of them were as terrible at it as I am. They were all incredibly sexy and confident, I’m sure, knowing exactly how to please this… professional Dom, the owner of the exclusive establishment they were deemed worthy enough to be members of. They were vetted, hand-picked, given a very hard-earned seal of approval. But I, on the other hand, was basically just… grandfathered in. He wanted me in, so even if I’m unworthy of being there, I still get in the door.” I cringe.
I’ve never been one to feel so self-deprecating. I’ve always been a confident person, because I always excelled at what was important to me. My studies, my career as a chemical engineer, and being a good, loving little sister. But all of that disappeared the moment we crossed the California state line. Well, except the loving little sister part. Gone were my studies. Gone was my chosen career path I had been so passionate about. And instead, I did what was necessary to survive and keep Astrid safe. Which I have zero regrets about. I just… lost myself in the process.
“Okay, again, coming to you as your husband’s best friend, I need to let you in on something. Once I do that, then we can address what’s personally going on with you and hopefully be able to start working on fixing it,” Doc tells me, and I nod, then lean forward in the chair, both anxious and excited to hear what he has to say.
“First of all, Seth is obsessed with you. You see that, don’t you?”
I smile. “He does act quite enamored. Which I don’t understand?—”
He interrupts, “It’s not an act, Twy. And you don’t have to necessarily understand why. You just need to believe it. He’s not only in love with his wife. He is infatuated by you, everything that makes you Twyla. You said it yourself—you’ve seen the types of women at Club Alias. You’ve met some of his former students. And he was once a highly sought-after Dominant. I’m sorry to cause you any type of discomfort, but to put it bluntly, yes, he could’ve chosen any one of those women to not only be his sub, but to be in any kind of long-term relationship with.”
I swallow thickly and sink back in the chair, trying in earnest to keep my tummy from bubbling with the acid I feel starting to churn.
“But he never did. Not even once,” Doc continues. “Not a single time did Seth mention a woman by name in all the years I’ve known him. Not one time did he say anything about a sub causing him to feel any sort of emotion. But the very day he met you, he told all of us—Corbin, Brian, and me—that he met a girl named Twyla, and she made him feel ‘weird.’”
I can’t help it. I let out a laugh as my heart expands even more for the man I married. Knowing him the way I do, “weird” would’ve been a big deal for him to feel, and for him to confess to his closest friends. It would’ve been startling for those guys to hear it coming from him as well. As goofy as the man is, and as much as he loves to quote movies and such, Seth is off-the-charts intelligent, with a vocabulary that is astounding. For him to be unable to describe what he was feeling as anything but “weird,” meant it was an emotion he’d truly never experienced before.
And he felt it for me.
“I can see you get what a big deal that was for everyone there that day, so I’m going to take it one step further. I talked to him throughout the entire beginning of your relationship. Each step of the way, he came to me to help him decipher what he was thinking, wanting. Courting a woman was something he’d never done before. Every single action and feeling he was experiencing was brand-new territory. And he was determined to get it right. He knew from the start that you were special, and he wanted to make damn sure he didn’t do anything that would fuck up his chance to be with you. Once Seth decided you were meant to be his, that’s it. You were all that mattered. Anyone and anything else that could possibly keep that from becoming his reality, he shoved it all away. And it was for good, Twyla.” He looks at me seriously. “You have to know that about your husband. Once he makes a decision, it’s final. There are no takebacks.”
I nod. “Oh, I know that for sure. But there’s nothing to say that he can’t regret a decision he’s made. There’s no rule that states he can’t get bored with me, just because he may stick to his guns and not seek anyone else. I know for a fact Seth—and Seven for that matter—would never cheat on me. It’s against his moral code. No matter what, he wouldn’t allow himself to break that vow. But that doesn’t mean he can’t be unhappy with me. It doesn’t mean he can’t be disappointed that this woman he’ll be faithful to for the rest of his life isn’t good enough for him in bed. That I’m not learning to be a better submissive. That I’m not catching on to the things he’s tried to teach me. That I freeze when he gives me an order and am physically unable to carry out what he’s asked of me.”
As my bottom lids lose their battle against my tears once more, I see my brother-in-law sink a little to the side so he can prop his elbow on the arm of the couch and rub his beard-covered chin between his thumb and pointer finger. His eyes are narrowed, and I can tell he’s not really looking at me but internally. Trying to solve the puzzle I’ve laid out in front of him.
He murmurs to himself, “Secure in relationship, but not….”
After a moment, he nods and sits up, his bright blue eyes clear as he speaks to me this time. “This is purely a matter of self-doubt, insecurity in yourself and your abilities, and also… this stress reaction of freezing.” Those eyes of his gleam with… excitement? “I can help you, Twy. If you can agree to face it head-on and just trust me—even if what I tell you to do sounds silly, or embarrassing, or completely pointless—then I promise we can fix these negative feelings and responses of yours.”
I started nodding vigorously the moment he said “I can help you.” If my brilliant therapist says he knows how to fix my broken self-esteem and stop me from freezing with the man I love, then I will do my part, whatever it takes.
“I’m embarrassed all the time, Doc. Can’t get any worse, right?”