Chapter 17
SEVENTEEN
Ben
The gym is packed today. I hate it when it’s this busy. But I definitely couldn’t skip my workout with Deacon today. I have some energy I need to work off.
Waking up to Avril’s arm across my stomach, her legs entangled with mine, had been a shock this morning. Before I realized where I was—in my guest bedroom—I’d panicked. I thought I’d overslept at a woman’s house and was running late.
But I was at home. With Avril. And we hadn’t slept together, but we’d slept together.
I was dangerously hard, as I felt her warmth all over me.
I wished I hadn’t made this stupid deal with her that she had to prove we could stay professional.
The last thing I want to do with Avril is stay professional.
As she lay on her stomach with her bedtime shorts riding up and exposing her arse, her leg and arm over me, claiming me, making sure I couldn’t leave without waking her, I couldn’t imagine a place I’d rather be.
It took everything I had not to slide my hand down her back and pull her closer, desperate for more of her heat.
“Everything okay?” Deacon asks from the rowing machine next to me.
“Fine,” I say.
“You go to the design awards thing last night?”
I nod. “I’ve been thinking that I might need a new goal,” I say.
“Goal?” he asks as he pulls back, sweat dripping down his face.
“Yeah. Like maybe I need to change tack or something.”
“Interesting,” Deacon responds.
“Interesting?”
“Yeah, well, is this because Avril is living with you? You’ve suddenly had an epiphany?”
“You think Avril living with me for a couple of days has changed my entire approach to life?”
“Don’t say it like that. It’s not such a ridiculous idea. Someone in your space might help you see the world differently.”
“I have plenty of people in my space all the time. My job is to socialize. Get to know people.”
“Right. But do they get to know you? I don’t think so. Maybe you’re letting Avril in.”
I scoff as I follow the handlebar forward. “She’s been sleeping in the guest room for a few nights. She’s my lodger for a week. She’s not changing my life. You don’t need to worry about that.”
“Oh, I’m not worried,” he replies. “Maybe you need some kind of shift.”
I groan. “Deacon, you’re not going to become that guy, are you?”
“What guy?”
“The guy who finds the one and then thinks love is the answer to everyone’s problems.”
He chuckles. “I’m not saying love is the answer to everyone’s problems—”
“Good,” I reply before he can elaborate. “Because it’s not. It’s money. It’s a roof over your head and food in your belly.”
“Right,” Deacon says. “Food and shelter is definitely the first thing everyone needs. But you have all those things. And money.”
“Because I’ve worked hard, been supremely focused for years, been consistent, showed up, never let anyone down.”
Deacon releases the handlebar and his head drops as he catches his breath. “You’ve absolutely done all those things.”
“I’ve built a goddamn fortune.”
“Right,” he says.
“We both have,” I remind him.
“We both have,” he echoes.
“We have the respect of the New York establishment. We’ve come from nothing and now we have this city at our feet.” I let go of the handlebar too. I don’t normally brag about my achievements, but it’s true. I’ve come a long way.
“You ever heard of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs?” Deacon asks.
“Vaguely,” I say.
“It’s the theory that everyone has certain basic requirements in life—like you say, food in your stomach, a roof over your head—and then once you have those things, you can move on to satiating other needs, like employment and property.
Then the higher you go up the pyramid, there’s love and belonging—a key need for a human being—and then respect and recognition.
All leading to the pinnacle of human existence, which is fulfilling your potential, or self-actualization. ”
I scowl at him. “Thank you, Professor Black.”
“I think you skipped a step.”
“What?”
“You missed out on the love-and-acceptance part.”
“What are you talking about? I’m accepted by New York society despite my background and upbringing.”
He shrugs. “That’s your job, not who you are. I just wonder if by keeping people out, you’re missing out.”
“Keeping people out? I know everyone there is to know in this city and beyond.” I stand and stretch out my quads from the rowing. I don’t want to talk about whatever it is that Deacon’s getting at. I just want to work up a sweat so I don’t come on to Avril tonight and get out of here.
“But do they know you?” He fixes me with a look. “Love is a fundamental part of being a human being.”
“Okay, thanks, Deacon.” I chuckle to myself. He’s become such a softie since being with Aurora. It’s terrifying really. It’s only going to get worse when they have the baby.
“I know you think I’m talking bullshit, but I’m serious. Being vulnerable enough to be able to accept love is important.”
Jesus, the man needs to go live in California and take up yoga.
“My mother and brother love me plenty, thank you.”
“Bray has a lot of love to go around, but I’m not sure it’s just brotherly love you need,” he says, still pushing. Can’t he just drop this?
I check my watch. “I think I’m going to have to make a move. I have a call at two,” I say.
“Liar,” Deacon says. “I’m making you feel uncomfortable and you think I’m talking bullshit.”
I nod. “Absolutely right. So I’m taking myself out of this conversation.”
Deacon laughs, and I grin at him.
“I’ll catch you Thursday,” I say, and he gives me a two-fingered salute.
As I’m heading to the changing room, my phone rings. Speak of the devil and the devil shall appear. It’s Bray.
“Bray?” I answer.
“Want to do dinner and catch the game?” he asks.
“What game?” I ask, confused.
“Basketball,” he says. “I think. There’ll be something on.”
“I’m busy tonight,” I say.
“Right,” he replies, and then I feel a little bad about not even asking how he is. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” he says.
“How’s work?” I don’t really know what it is that my brother does day to day.
He works in tech, but I’m not clear on the details.
He manages to live in New York, and I don’t supplement his income.
He’s always bouncing from startup to startup and I never know what he’s up to.
I’m not sure he knows. He just gets bored and moves on, like some kind of nomad tech geek.
“Good,” he says. “What about you? Become a billionaire yet?”
“Working on it.”
“Right. So you’re not free tonight?”
Deacon’s voice echoes in the back of my head. Should I spend more time with Bray? Is that what he’s saying?
“I could do next week?” I suggest.
Realistically, I could do tonight. There’s nothing to say I have to go back home to Avril tonight. But I’ve planned something for this evening and I’m low-key looking forward to it.
“Yeah, next week is good.”
The tone of his voice is a little less cocksure than it usually is.
“Or I might be able to do the day after tomorrow?” I suggest.
Maybe Deacon is right and I’m not good at letting people in.
Actually, I know he’s right. But the only way you can have everyone like you is for no one to really know you.
It’s a lesson I learned early. I knew I had to keep myself at a distance if I was going to create the kind of network I envisioned for myself.
I had to be the version of me that whoever I was talking to would connect with.
It’s not that I’m faking it, I’m just curating myself to ensure whoever I’m interacting with likes and trusts me.
With Bray it’s a little different, because he’s known me a long time.
Maybe that’s who I need to be around. Maybe that will pull me out of the funk I’ve been in these past few weeks.
“It’s okay,” he says. “It sounds like you’re really busy.”
“No,” I interrupt. “I had something cancel the day after tomorrow. Come over. Or we can eat out. What time?”
“Six? Seven?”
“Six thirty. At that sports bar you like.”
“You hate that place.”
“You’re right. I do. We’ll have one drink there and then go and grab dinner.”
“Okay,” he says, sounding skeptical.
“Okay,” I say. I don’t know why, but I feel a little lighter when I hang up.