Chapter 34 #3
“You understand though, right? You get why I have to walk away?”
“No. I absolutely do not. Unless it’s just something you say to let someone down gently because you’re really not that into them.”
He holds my gaze and I feel myself melting under his inspection. “I’m very into you,” he says.
“Then we should try this,” I say.
He shakes his head, and it’s like he’s ripped out my heart.
He doesn’t want me.
The room starts to spin and I grip the edge of the table. This can’t be happening.
“I have no idea how to have a relationship. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you, but I’ve managed to keep my own brother at arm’s length.” He shakes his head like he’s an idiot. “I love you too much to cause you pain. I just don’t think I’m capable of being a good boyfriend.”
I love this man and now that I know that he loves me too, I’m not prepared to accept what he’s saying. That’s not how I work.
“So you’re not going to even try? You? The man who would stop at nothing to make sure he never had to live in his car again.
The man who has New York at his feet because of his grit and determination.
The man who can fix any issue, smooth over any problem.
You’re just going to walk away because you don’t think you can do it? ”
He sighs and pushes his hands into his hair. “There was less at stake then. I only had to worry about myself. I would rather lose you than hurt you.”
“If you don’t want to hurt me, then you’re not going to walk away from me. Not ever.”
He looks at me with real pain in his eyes, like whatever way he turns is going to be the wrong direction. But we love each other. I won’t let him walk away from that.
“Not ever,” I repeat. “I’m not interested in you as a boyfriend.
You’re going to be my husband. Maybe not this week or next.
Maybe it will take a few years, but we’re having an entire life together.
We’re going to have bumpy years and smooth sailing and we’re going to get through that together.
What we’re not going to do is give up before we’ve taken the first step. ”
I stop talking and wait for Ben to react.
“You want to marry me?” he asks.
I shrug. “It’s inevitable. We fell in love in a week. What we have is powerful—”
“Being with you makes me feel like I can do anything,” he says.
“So why walk away? I don’t get it.”
“Because you’re the most important person there’s ever been in my life. I don’t want to hurt you! I’d rather walk away knowing I’ll spend the rest of my life thinking about you than risk being less than you deserve.”
With every word, I start to lose a little hope. But I’m clinging on. I can’t just let him throw away what we have. I can’t.
“You’re going to have to suit up for the ride,” I say.
“And you’re going to have to be the man I deserve—no, I know you’re the man I deserve.
All you have to be is the man I know you are.
There’s no doubt you’re going to make mistakes.
So am I. I’ve never been within a five-mile radius of a man I wanted to marry before.
It’s not like I’ve got this relationship thing down.
We’re going to fuck up. We’re probably going to hurt each other.
But that doesn’t mean we should walk away. ”
“And that’s just it? You’re saying we have to take the risk.”
“Am I worth it?” I ask him.
He pulls in a breath, and my heart pounds so loudly, it feels like a drumbeat inside of me. “You’re worth everything.”
I sigh. “Then tell me you’ll never leave me.”
“Avril,” he says, and it feels like the grip is tightening around my heart. This is it. This is decision time. He’s either in or he’s out.
“You can only hurt me if you give up on me,” I say. “Tell me you’ll never leave me.”
Seconds tick by and it’s like he’s waiting for something but I don’t know what.
“Not ever,” he says.
I let out a cry of relief and cover my face with my hands.
Thank god.
He scoops me up out of my chair, like he’s done a couple of times now, and sets me down on his lap.
“I love you,” he whispers to me, and I wrap my arms around him, holding on to him in case he changes his mind.
“Did we just negotiate the rest of our lives together?” I pull back to look at him.
“Easiest deal I ever made,” he says with a smirk. “You make me see everything at a slightly different angle.”
Ben’s about to kiss me when the waiter interrupts, asking us if there’s anything else we’d like.
“My fiancée and I would like a bottle of champagne,” he says, picking out a bottle from the list.
A huge grins spreads across my face. “Your fiancée?” I ask, when the waiter disappears to get our champagne. “Did I miss the proposal?”
“Like you said, we’re getting married. So that makes you my fiancée. But don’t worry, you’ll get a proposal.”
“If I don’t ask you first,” I say.
Ben stands. “I don’t know why I ordered more drinks. I need to get you home. If I kiss you here. Now. I’ll never stop.”
I don’t want him to stop. I want him to kiss me, hold me, love me. It was supposed to end after a week, but we’re going to be roommates for the rest of our lives.