Chapter 9 – Rosie
ROSIE
The sound of the waves crashing onto the beach in the distance is muted by the terror battling inside of me.
The secret I kept buried and clung so tightly to is about to be revealed to the very person I worked tirelessly to keep it from.
Part of me is desperate to put a stop to this before my whole world explodes.
But another part is craving the freedom of having it out.
The truth is, Charlie has been asking about her father for years. When she’d see other men with their children at the park, or see her friends being picked up from school by their fathers. The day she asked if West was her dad, I figured she was old enough to learn the truth about hers.
Though I still didn’t tell her everything. And not because I didn’t think she could handle it. It was because I couldn’t.
At such a young age, children’s minds are precious. I wanted to protect her from having to grow up too quickly. But I suppose, with my chronic illness, she’s had to learn more than most her age.
“So, you know yesterday…when we met at the park? Well, that was the first time I’d ever met you,” he begins, his knee shaking so violently the entire swing is responding as if it’s in an earthquake simulation.
I want so badly to still it, but I keep my distance, the wood railing digging against my back.
She frowns at Beck but she’s curious, and by the way her brows pinch, it’s obvious she’s trying to listen intently.
My heart hammers in my chest while I watch and pray this doesn’t turn into a complete trainwreck.
“And that was the first time you’d ever met me,” he continues, running his palms across the top of his thigh, and it finally settles to rest. “You knew that I existed before today, but I didn’t know about you. I want you to know, that if I had, I would’ve loved to have met you sooner.”
Charlie glances at me and I force a smile to ease any of her apprehensions. Seeing the two of them, side by side, and knowing their anxiety conditions, has my own nerves spiking. I’m not sure how I will be able to calm them if this explodes.
“Your mom just told me…that I’m your…dad,” he finally gets out, and the relief on his face is evident.
I feel it in my own chest, the tension dissolving.
I exhale a long, low breath. “I didn’t know about you.
I didn’t know I had a kid. I didn’t know I was a dad.
” He’s sputtering, and by the sounds of it, about to spiral.
I lean in and say, “Remember when you asked about your daddy, Charlie?”
She looks at me and nods her head.
“And I told you that you’d never met him but that you would when the time was right.”
“And now the timing is right?” Beck interrupts with a scoff, flashing me a loathing glare.
“You’re my daddy?” Charlie ignores us both and stares at Beck, a skeptical look on her face.
There’s a delay in Beck’s response and for a moment, I worry he’s going to deny it. I worry I might have to punch him in the gut and comfort my dejected daughter. But he quickly reminds me of one of the reasons I loved him.
He smiles and nods while propping an elbow onto the back of the wing, then leans closer to Charlie. “Do you see this dimple on my chin? Or is it too hard to see with my beard?”
She gives a slow shake of her head.
“Sorry, I guess I should’ve shaved. But in my defense, I didn’t know I’d be meeting you.”
She gives him a little smile.
“Do you know something your mom used to do?” He glances at me and for the first time since being back in Golden Harbor and seeing him, there’s a tenderness reflected in his chestnut eyes. Warmth spreads down my limbs. “She used to put her finger on my chin and push it into my dimple.”
Charlie giggles and pumps her legs while they dangle off the edge of the swing. “Mama does that to my chin too.”
“Really? Well, then see, we’ve got the same chin.”
“What else?” Charlie asks, biting her lower lip.
“Our eyes. You’ve definitely got my eyes.”
My throat constricts as I resist the tears that want to break free. I blink hard to hold back tears. No matter how many times I imagined how this conversation would go, they both surprise me by changing the scenarios I rehearsed.
“Mama says my eyes are beautiful. Did she ever tell you that?” Charlie asks.
When Beck turns his head to look at me, his gaze is soft as he takes me in.
I can’t resist any longer. The tears well and roll down my cheeks.
His eyes lock with mine and my stomach flip-flops when he smiles genuinely at me.
It’s a smile that used to make my knees wobble, and now, after all these years, I hate to admit it still has the same effect.
“Yeah, Charlie, she did.” He finally returns his focus back on her.
“What else?” she asks again, eagerness in her voice.
“I don’t know. But I’ll bet if we spend some time together, we’ll find all kinds of stuff we have in common. Would you like that?”
She smiles and bobs her head excitedly. “Yes! I’ve been waiting to meet you for my whole life!” She launches herself into his arms, shocking both me and Beck.
And if Charlie’s actions weren’t enough to completely wreck me, it’s his response that does me in.
He puts his strong hands on her little back and brings her in close to his chest. It’s gentle and reserved.
Like he’s taking into consideration her boundaries.
Afraid to fully wrap her up without her permission.
“Me too,” he whispers.
It’s faint, but I hear it. And my chest caves inward.
Because after learning he didn’t lose her when he thought he had, I suppose he has been waiting for her too.
I’ve held on to the guilt of keeping her from Beck all these years.
I’m not proud of what I did. I had myself convinced that it was best for not only Charlie and me, but for Beck too.
I had no idea what it would do to his life if he learned about her existence.
When he never came after me, never attempted to work things out between us, I assumed he’d moved on.
But witnessing this interaction now…The guilt is blaring, front and center. There’s nowhere to run or hide, and it threatens to break me. I swipe my finger underneath my running nose, wishing I were anywhere but here.
Charlie pulls away and gazes at Beck with sparkling brown eyes.
I watch with intent what she’ll do next.
She brings up her little pointer finger and puts it up to Beck’s chin.
Her eyes go big and round and she exclaims, “Ahh, I feel it. I feel your dimple.” Beck chuckles and it rumbles in my chest. Now, she takes his long pointer finger and brings the pad of it to her chin so he can feel her dimple too, and my exhale is remorseful. “It’s the same.”
“Yep, told ya,” he agrees, and smiles. But his eyes are watering, and it guts me. He swivels it in a circular motion before bringing his hand down and returning it to his thigh.
Charlie’s smile is so big. “Can you sleepover?”
“What?” I shriek, catapulting off the railing like I’m trying to stop a collision. “No, no, Charlie…he can’t.”
Beck runs a trembling hand over the back of his neck and his eyes dance around. “Uhh, yeah…probably not.”
“Probably not?” I whisper-shout, turtling my neck in his direction. What was that response? Not the kind you give a little girl. She’s smart. You have to be direct with her.
Pouting, Charlie whines, “Why not?”
“Yeah, why not?” he challenges, crossing his arms.
I glare right back at him. “Because, Beck has his own house to sleep at. But”—I try to come up with a solution fast before she points out that I used to sleep at West’s when we had our own place—“he’s going to stay for dinner.”
He glances up at me and gives me a lopsided grin. “Sure. I’ll stay for dinner.”
“Fine,” Charlie relents, dragging out the word.
“But hey? Maybe tomorrow I can show you one of my favorite places in Golden Harbor. Would you like that?”
Charlie hops up and down on her knees, making the swing shake again. “Yes! Mama, can I go? Please?”
Nerves twist in my stomach. I glance down at my bare feet on the stained wood deck. There’s only a handful of people I trust to leave Charlie with. Letting her go with Beck, her father, should be easy. But she doesn’t know him. And the truth is, I don’t know him anymore either.
“Your mama is welcome to come too, of course.”
I lift my chin and mouth, Thank you, once his eyes meet mine. “Sounds fun. I’d love to come.” It’s a pity invite. But he knows me well enough to see my reservations.
“Yay!” She hops off the swing and reaches for Beck’s hand. “C’mon, wanna see my room?”
“Um…yeah.” He lets her take his hand but is repressed as he follows along behind her. “I’d love that.”
“Mama, I’m gonna show my daddy all my stuffed animals, okay?” Her big eyes blink up at me as they pass.
But her use of my daddy has a boulder-sized lump lodged in my throat and I can’t answer, so I simply dip my chin.
“Mama let me bring six from home. I have an orca and a sea lion.” She continues chatting fast while dragging him into the house. “Have you ever seen an orca? Like, in person?”
Beck glances at me over his shoulder and we lock eyes. I dreamed but never truly believed I would hear Charlie refer to Beck as her daddy.
I swipe at the fresh tears that race down my cheeks and turn to face the ocean, my hands gripping the railing.
It takes an extra book and an unusually long prayer at bedtime before Charlie settles down. And I had to do it all with an audience. This isn’t typically something West sticks around for, so it feels new and awkward.
But Charlie insisted Beck stay after dinner and all the way up until she went to bed. Lucky me. Though while I might be overly sensitive and irritated by his sudden presence in Charlie’s orbit, it dawns on me that maybe she’s worried he won’t be here tomorrow.
Beck follows me down the stairs toward the front door. We pass photos on the walls hanging haphazardly. Photos I’m going to be responsible for removing and dispersing somewhere. But my mind can’t handle the never-ending list of things I need to take care of during our week here. Not tonight.
The weight from the emotions of the last few days sits heavy on my shoulders and coils around my gut. We reach the landing, and I can feel Beck’s eyes on me, steady, resentful. I can almost hear his questions piling on top of one another.
We turn and finally get to the door, and I stand here, crossing my arms while he reaches for the knob.
But he pauses, and I hold my breath. “Thanks for letting me hang out tonight.”
My words come out scratchy, when I reply, “Of course. I’m glad you wanted to come. I was worried. Ya know…yesterday, when you said you didn’t want to meet her?”
Spinning around, he throws up his hand. “I was upset. Rosie, c’mon, what did you expect? You dropped this bomb on me. Out of nowhere. I go from not having a kid one day to having a six-year-old.”
“No, I get it.” Mindlessly, I rub my arm while they brace tight against my chest. “I can’t imagine what you might be feeling. But I’m glad you changed your mind.”
“I don’t know what I’m doing.” He scrubs a palm down his forehead and the front of his face before wiping it in the air with a swat, making me flinch.
“I don’t know where we go from here. Or what happens when you leave.
” He takes to pacing back and forth in the entryway.
He’s spiraling. “I don’t want her getting attached.
Hell, I don’t want to either. But I do want to get to know her. And she deserves to get to know me.”
The pull of the string attached to my heart is persuasive. It always has been where Beck is involved. “She does. And you deserve to get to know your daughter too.” My throat throbs as the remorse threatens to unravel me. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve never taken these years from you.”
At my words, his eyes harden, growing sharper with each second that passes.
“But the fact is, you did. And an apology doesn’t take that away.
It doesn’t erase what you’ve done.” He swings open the door with so much force it slams against the wall.
I don’t even have time to worry about the possible damage to the sheetrock of a house I’m going to have to sell soon.
He stomps outside and I hurry after him onto the porch and stay in the open doorway, my heart racing in my chest, and the tears I’ve been trying to restrain break free once again. “I know.”
Spinning around, he clenches his hands into fists.
“Do you? Because I don’t think you understand the kind of whiplash I’m experiencing right now.
After I thought we lost the baby, and then after you left, I made the decision I didn’t want kids.
I didn’t want to risk being a bad father. And then you show up here…with my kid.”
“What are you saying?” I sniff, wiping a knuckle under my nose.
“I’m saying, you set me up for failure. I’m already a bad father because I’ve been absent for the first six years of her life.”
“You’re not,” I cry out in protest.
“Don’t,” he snaps, holding up a trembling palm.
“Nothing you say right now is going to help.” He gazes at me with indignation for a moment, and maybe a little regret too.
“I need time. But I don’t have it. Because again, you took that from me.
And you’re leaving. I only have a few days to get to know this person.
This child. My daughter. This fucking sucks. ”
“You’re right,” I mutter softly.
“And you agreeing with me isn’t helping either.”
“What do you want me to say?” I step out onto the porch fully, peeking over my shoulder as I close the door behind me.
“That I messed up? That I’m sorry? That I didn’t mean to hurt you?
” My words rumble from my chest through the heartache, through the tears that are violently streaming down my face.
It’s not only me who is hurting, I know.
Beck’s pain is far worse than mine and I caused it.
He shakes his head solemnly. “You don’t get it.
You didn’t just hurt me. You hurt Charlie.
You took something from both of us that we can’t ever get back.
You don’t get time back. You of all people should know how important time is. ”
“You’re right.” I swipe at my wet cheeks.
“Rosie,” he growls.
Wrapping my arms around myself again, I cry out, “What? I mean it, you are. You’re right. What I did, keeping her from you, keeping the truth from you, it’s unforgivable. You have no idea how sorry I am.”
He stabs a finger at me, the glaze in his eyes obvious. “There it is. You’re right. It is unforgivable.” With that, he whips around and hurries down the porch steps.
I watch him go, sobbing silently, my heart shattering once again.