Chapter 34 – Beck
BECK
Ineed to clear my head and calm down. I hop back in my truck.
From my periphery, the children’s menu from Golden Pies that Charlie colored me catches my attention.
It’s folded and propped in my dash covering my gauges.
I pick it up and study the colorful lines.
You can see the precision in each stroke of crayon.
Tears burn my eyes, but I set the drawing back and blink them away.
I stop by my house for my surfboard before heading to the beach. There isn’t much daylight left, but if anything can cure this ache of despair—it’s surfing.
After I ride a few good waves, I shove my board into the sand so it’s standing upright and plop down on my towel. I push my fingers through my wet hair and release a strangled sigh. I’m mentally preparing myself before checking my phone for a call or text from Rosie.
Maybe I overreacted signing the divorce papers.
Part of me regrets it. But maybe part of me thought it might wake her up.
I tug my phone from the inside of my shoe and there’s nothing.
Instant rage builds inside of me, and I huff out a guttural grumble.
Anger prickles across my skin and I chuck my phone. It lands several feet down the beach.
All I’ve been doing is agonizing over Rosie and what she’s doing. Is she telling West it’s over? Or did she get swept up by his charm and decided to go back with him?
Maybe she and Charlie are already halfway back to Seattle by now. That last thought has me practically spiraling. Rosie and I being completely over would be devastating, but not being able to say goodbye to Charlie feels unbearable.
I’ve got myself so worked up that a panic attack is threatening again.
A tingle travels down my limbs and the sound of the wind and the waves crashing on the beach dull.
The beat of my heart picks up speed and thrusts quick successions against my ribcage.
My breathing becomes shallow and fast. And it’s only a matter of seconds before I’m gasping for air.
To keep me sane, I focus on the curling of the waves and tell myself to breathe. It’s a simple reminder but it’s desperately needed right now. With no one here to help, I have to advocate for myself.
I suck in an unsteady breath and hold it for a few seconds but I’m not sure how long. I know I need to count to three, but my brain isn’t signaling my breaths. Who is in control here? Exhaling, I gasp and the whole process starts again. Only it’s not rhythmic, that’s the problem.
Somewhere in the diminished background noise, the sound of my phone chiming catches my attention. But my body is frozen—unable to move my limbs that are both weighted and feel like rubber at the same time.
After several minutes of this, it finally dissipates and is over at last. Sweat trickles down my back and bubbles at my temples. With weak arms and legs, I crawl to my phone that’s popping out of the sand several feet away.
I bring the screen to my line of vision and brush the sand away.
Rosie
Where are you?
“I’m here,” I say aloud, and frantically tap out a reply.
I’m typically hardheaded, but spending time with Rosie, and learning about Charlie has put things in perspective. I’m choosing us over myself. And over my pride.
I’m at the beach
Jensen Beach
Rosie
I’m on my way!
I can come to you
Rosie
No. I’m already on my way. Stay there!
My central nervous system is shot. But how do I stay put when uneasiness hums inside my veins after that string of texts from Rosie? Is she coming to end things once and for all in person? Or is she coming to tell me she chose me, and we can finally be together?
I pace, sinking in the thick sand and passing my surfboard several times, threading my fingers through my hair. Every ten seconds I hold up my phone and peer at the time on the screen. Dottie’s cottage is only about a six-minute drive from here. But it’s been more like ten.
After what feels like an eternity, I finally spot Rosie coming up over the sandbank where the tall grass breaks and makes way for the pathway to the parking lot.
She’s dressed in a yellow tank top that shows off her freckle dusted shoulders, and a pair of jeans, the wind blowing her auburn hair back as she hurries toward me.
In one hand, she holds her sandals and the other, Charlie’s hand.
My heart threatens to break out of my chest.
While worry torments my insides, I can’t resist the smile forming on my lips.
I may not be sure of the outcome of her wanting to meet me, but how can I not smile when I see her?
I love her. I’ve always loved her. And no matter what—regardless of what she tells me—I’m afraid I’ll love her for the rest of my fucking life.
Abandoning my surfboard, I take off in a speedwalk, then a jog, because I can’t help myself.
The craving to meet her halfway is intense and nothing else matters.
But Rosie’s pace doesn’t increase. She stops Charlie and forces her to stay put before she returns her walk toward me.
My heart squeezes at the visual and what this might mean.
Yet it doesn’t discourage me. I keep going.
By the time we reach one another, I’m nearly breathless.
“Beck,” she says on an exhale. “How long have you been here? I went by your house. When you weren’t there…” Her voice trails.
I reach out my hand to rub her arm without thinking first. Is she mine to reach for? To touch? “I couldn’t be there. I couldn’t be anywhere. But here.”
“I’m sorry.” Tears build in her eyes and my gut collapses.
My eyes search hers for more—for answers. “Wh…what?” The question releases from me, and I try to find my voice. “What, Rosie? What are you sorry for?” I rub her arms that tremble beneath my touch.
“I’m sorry…for everything. For today. For the last seven years.” She crumples against my chest, and I catch her before she falls, guiding both of us down to the sand on our knees.
We kneel facing one another and I hold her while she sobs, consoling her as best as I can with hushes in her ear.
I stuff down my own anguish that’s growing inside me and tears build.
I cup her cheek in my palm, coaxing her to look at me.
“Rosie, you gotta give me more here. You’re scaring me.
” I peer over Rosie’s shoulder to where Charlie is still standing exactly where her mom left her. “I think you’re scaring Charlie.”
“I’m sorry I left. I couldn’t be here. Everywhere I looked was a reminder of what I thought we lost. Every time I looked into your empty eyes, I felt guilty. And then a few weeks after I left and learned I hadn’t lost Charlie; I didn’t want to come back and be a burden anymore.”
I brush back her hair and gaze at her watering green eyes. “Hey, never. You were never a burden.”
“I know it’s a lot…endo…taking care of me. And then adding a baby. This is my body that I have to live in. But you get a choice. I didn’t want you to feel trapped,” she says on a sob.
Gazing into her watering green eyes, I say, “I’ve never felt trapped with you. You make me feel like the luckiest guy in the world. Being with you is a fucking honor.” I force her to look at me. “I’m a damn fool for not coming after you, I’m sorry. I love you.”
“I love you, too. I’m so sorry. Will you ever be able to forgive me?”
“That depends. What am I forgiving you for?” She gives me a pitiful pout while tears continue streaming down her cheeks. “If you’re getting ready to break my heart again, and go back to West, nah,” I clarify, my throat constricting. “I can’t survive that again.”
She gives a subtle shake to her head and bites at her lower lip.
“But if you’re asking for forgiveness for all the wrongs before today. Yeah, honey, I forgive you. For all of it. As long as you forgive me too.” I skim my thumb underneath her eye, swiping at the wetness.
“I do.” She whispers so softly I almost don’t hear it.
“I do too.” I smile, but maybe it’s premature. “So which is it? What’s going on here?”
“West is gone. It’s always been you, Beck. Always.”
The sigh that rips through me is years of suppression. But it feels so fragile. I’m afraid to trust this. “You sure?”
“Always. You’re it for me. And I think I’m it for you.”
I lift her chin with my finger, gaze into her eyes, and see my soulmate.
My heart. My future. “Yeah, you bet your ass you’re it for me.
I love you. Always and forever.” Lowering my lips to hers feels like coming home.
It’s a comfort I want again and again for the rest of my life.
I’m desperate for it. For this kiss. For every kiss after this one.
Her lips answer mine like she’s wanting the exact same thing.
Her mouth parts and her tongue swipes out to meet mine.
While her fingers kneed the skin on my back, my mouth devours hers.
My hands are anxious to touch her how they always did—when she was mine, caressing her neck and her breasts and down to her full backside.
Vaguely I remember we’re not alone. But this feels like one of those key moments that needs to be cared for. Because if this is it—her and me and this kiss—for the rest of our lives, I want her to be sure. Her decision to choose me shouldn’t be questioned. Never again.
She’s mine and I am hers. Forever.
Cupping her face in my palm, I caress her cheek with my thumb and slowly draw back, taking her underneath the elbow and helping her to stand. Gazing into her beautiful green eyes, I say, “There’s just one problem.”
Concern smears her expression. A lump bobs in her throat before she asks, “What is it?”
“We’re not married anymore.”
She gifts me with a cute little smile that has my core buzzing. “We had two proposals. Only makes sense to have two weddings, right?”
A smile pulls at my lips at the memory of the first time I proposed to her.
So simple. So awkward. Not even a ring to give her.
But I’d never been surer about anything in my entire life.
“You deserved a better proposal than that. But I couldn’t help myself.
I knew in that moment, without a doubt, that you were my person and I couldn’t wait another second longer. ”
“I have a confession to make.” She touches her palm to the side of my face, her fingers scratching at the scruff there. “The first proposal was my favorite.” Lifting her other hand up, she opens her fist and the necklace with the heart-shaped piece of green sea glass shimmers in her palm.
The smile that forms on my lips is easy. “Mine too,” I whisper.
This time, it’s Rosie who draws my face closer to hers while she pushes up on her toes and our mouths crash together.
While my lips graze earnestly and depraved, hers slide over mine with the kind of desire that’s pure and reminding me this is lasting.
This is the kind of love that doesn’t diminish. It’s forever.
A small arm wraps around my leg and when I glance down, Charlie has both Rosie and me wound tight in her embrace.
Elation expands in my chest as my heart swells.
I press one more chaste kiss to Rosie’s mouth before I reach down and scoop Charlie into my arms. Spinning around in a circle, she giggles, and the delighted sound reverberates through my entire body.
I set her back down and we each take one of Charlie’s hands as we trudge through the sand, the wind whipping at our faces and the golden sun dipping below the dark turquoise ocean.
Glancing over my shoulder at Rosie, I find her staring at me. Her eyes squint from the huge smile stretched on her face. All the prior worries and doubts from earlier in the day have vanished. Instead of goodbye, we’re getting our second chance at the life we were always meant to have.