Thirty-Three #2
This is what she wants. A chance to stop the shame. To ensure that no one grows up feeling like something is wrong with them. To open minds and eyes and hearts. To let people choose what to do with their bodies.
“Send over the contract,” she tells Theo. “If I agree, I won’t start until after I know the pilot program is successful. If all this”—she gestures to the crowd, the stage, the thing she made—“works.”
“Of course.” He looks at her askance. “I’m not sure I’ll admit this to him, but Wes was right.”
Her heart lurches at his name, but she keeps her face blank. “About what?”
“He was adamant that I listen to your proposal back in November. He insisted I take a chance on you because of how smart you are and how much he believed having Victoria on the podcast would not only help me but help your clinic.” He tips his head, considering.
“He always says you are the most reliable and brilliant person he knows.”
And there it is. Her chest tightens as she thinks about how there’s been a gulf between them for the past few weeks.
They’ve been distant. She has almost been able to convince herself it’s because they’re both busy—all her free time has gone to the expo, his to studying for the LSAT.
But that would be a lie.
All around her, laughter and joy swells in the mid-afternoon sun. She can’t help thinking how in a moment of weakness, she sent him a good luck text this morning, and he never responded. She hopes it’s because he was concentrating and avoiding all distractions.
She’s not sure anymore.
She thought she’d made the right decision for the clinic and for him. But for several weeks, they’ve been arguing about it, and even when they aren’t arguing, the disagreement lies between them, filling the silence.
Maybe her decision will always be an insurmountable wedge. She’s afraid he thinks that by refusing to let him sacrifice his chance at a life he wants, she’s refusing to allow him to take care of her. Like what he wants doesn’t matter.
But she doesn’t want him to take care of her. She only wants him.
“I doubt he thinks that anymore,” she says.
“Why’s that?” Theo asks.
“Because I didn’t respect his decision to ask his dad for help. But Gabriel was going to change everything about the clinic. And regardless, Wes deserves more than what his dad wants for him.”
“Why?”
“His biggest fear is turning into his father. I don’t want him to give up a chance to choose something different just because of me.” She looks Theo in the eye. “I love him.”
“Does he know that?”
Charlie opens her mouth to respond, then stops. The realization strikes her like a powerful wave. In all their time together, she’s never told him.
Theo studies her with uncharacteristic warmth.
“Take it from someone who has dealt with the cruelty and manipulation tactics of Gabriel Quinn: Wes is a thousand times better than him. If he was willing to give up his chance to get out from under his father’s thumb, he must have felt it was worth it.
” He squeezes her shoulder. “You’ve always made him deliriously happy. ”
“If you say so,” she mutters.
“You should tell him.” He tips his head, glancing once more at something over her shoulder. “Just to make sure he knows.”
Charlie turns. Past a sea of people, standing next to a vendor table, is Wes.
A trio of young women gather around him as he gestures to the table covered in free samples of barrier protection.
Opening one of the dental dams, he unrolls the polyurethane sheet with those long, capable fingers.
One of the bright pink shirts Carolyn created for the expo volunteers with the words the great sexpectations expo!
in bold white-and-blue letters stretches over his perfect broad torso.
The girls laugh at something he says.
“Why is he here?” She never saw his name on the list of volunteers. Not to mention, she knows from experience that the LSAT is far from over.
Theo’s no longer paying attention. Instead, he eyes the volunteer wobbling past them in a vulva-shaped mascot suit.
“That is disturbingly lifelike.”
“Theo!”
“Beats me.” He shrugs, an annoyingly attractive gesture. “I have to go prepare for my show.” He waves, waltzing away like he didn’t just drop a bomb.
Charlie marches across the lawn with a determination she hasn’t felt in so long.
“Quinn!”
His head snaps up, his eyes widening when he spots her.
God, he’s so fucking beautiful. She wants to kiss him.
“What are you doing?”
Wes arches a brow, gesturing to the boxes of free condoms, dental dams, and spermicide on the table like he’s the host of a TV game show.
“Well, if you must know, I’m educating the community on the merits of barrier protection. Have you heard that dental dams are very effective at reducing the spread of STIs while still allowing for an enjoyable oral sex experience?”
Charlie stares at him. “You—”
He holds up a box of spermicide. “Some people prefer barrier-only options. When used correctly, spermicide is eighty-seven percent effective at preventing pregnancy. Frankly, it’s underutilized and not discussed enough.” At her continued stunned silence, he grins. “I can show you a PowerPoint—”
“Stop.” Holding up her hand to prevent him from speaking again—because god, he is infuriating and so goddamn sexy—she gestures to the table, to the expo, to his general being. “I mean, why are you here? Why aren’t you taking the LSAT?”
His smile vanishes, replaced with a neutrality that chills her. When she looks closer, however, she finds that his cheeks are slightly flushed, the dark circles of exhaustion under his eyes are gone, and he appears well-rested for the first time in months.
Pulling out his phone, he slides his thumb across the screen. “I skipped it.”
Her pulse stutters. “Why?”
“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be today than here.” He extends his phone, showing her the screen. “And I’m not going to law school.”
She scans the words on the screen, shock rippling through her. It’s an email congratulating him on his acceptance to the Archwood University Masters of Education program, matriculating in September.
She lifts her gaze. Cautious hope beams back at her. “No law school?”
He shakes his head. “No. I applied to the master’s program a few months ago on a whim. Because of you.”
Her breath catches. “Because—”
“Because of what you said.” He leans toward her, and as always, she’s a magnet, drawing closer to him. “About doing what I want and being whomever I want, no matter the expectations of others.”
“I didn’t realize what I said had such an impact,” she whispers.
Something flickers in his eyes, too quick for her to catch, and then he smiles sadly. “Everything you say has an impact, Charlie.”
She swallows, her throat tight. “What about your dad?”
“Someone refused his money,” he replies, his eyes bright. “So I’m no longer obligated to cave to his demands.”
His words ignite a fire in her veins, spreading until it consumes her entire body. She looks down at their feet, fighting the sudden sting in her eyes, the ache of longing in her chest.
We could have had years.
But would it have changed anything?
From the time they first became friends three years ago, when he bounded into her life in the most unexpected way, it’s always been easy with him. He’s always seen her. She doesn’t want to hide any part of herself with him.
And when she pushed him away because of her fear and pride, she made them both miserable. Now she’s afraid her heart will explode if she has to sit alone with her feelings for one more second.
“I realized today that I never told you,” she says.
“Told me what?”
“I love you too.” His mouth parts in surprise, but she’s not finished. “I love you, and I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you. I should have told you right away, but you’re distracting in all the best ways. I’ve loved you for so long.”
He steps forward. “Rogers—”
She holds up a trembling hand. “I’m sorry I tried to push you away.
I thought that was best for me, but you shouldn’t do that with someone you love, someone who believes in you, someone who knows you and sees you and makes you feel safe and gets you through your worst days.
Someone who, against all odds, is always there for you even when you’re too blind and stubborn to see it. ”
She gasps, somewhere between a laugh and a sob, and the people, the laughter, the expo fades away.
“I’m not sorry I refused your dad’s money even though it was your decision to bargain with him on my behalf.
I just want you to have a choice of your own.
I want you to get your master’s and do something you love.
I want to make a mess in the kitchen with you and watch stupid reality television.
I want you by my side when I conquer all the bureaucratic bullshit I’ll face with my sex education program.
I want to be there on your best days and your worst days, when you can hardly function from the weight of your parents’ expectations.
I want to make you feel good and argue with you and have so much sex with you and laugh with you. Because I—”
His green eyes pierce her, unwavering, entranced.
“I love you, Wesley Quinn,” she continues.
“But I’m terrified because you were never in the plan, even though I know plans go awry no matter how hard I try and control them.
I never feel like I need to be someone else with you, because you see all of me.
You challenge me and make me feel things I never imagined I could feel, and I can’t go back to pretending I don’t love you, that my life is better without you in it.
It’s always been you, Wes.” She releases a shaky laugh.
“I’ve always wanted it to be you and no one else. ”
Her heart is in her throat, and a tear falls down her cheek before she can stop it.
Wes stares at her, unmoving, and she can’t breathe.
“You love me?” he whispers.
She chokes on a sob. “Yes.” Swiping the back of her hand across her cheek, she catches more tears. “I’m such a mess.”