Chapter 29
Walking into the kitchen in the morning to make coffee, Errol and Farrah are already there. He has his face nuzzled in the crook of her neck, and she is giggling.
“Good morning, you two.”
You’d think hearing me talk would get them to stop, but he just keeps kissing her.
“I’ve always wanted to be a part of an orgy,” Callahan says, walking in right after me.
That gets them to separate. He even has Farrah looking at the floor.
“What’s the plan for the day?” I ask, pouring the already done brew into a cup.
“Well, I thought we could go on a history tour, and then maybe have a Halloween party. I know it’s November, but the costumes are cheap and we didn’t get to spend it together.” Errol talks with his hands, the director coming out in him.
“Isn’t that a little childish?” Michael asks, walking in.
“Good morning,” Sahara says. She is wrapped up in a cardigan that I recognize as Rowan’s. She still has on her bonnet and eye patches.
“Nope, I don’t think so,” Errol says in a clipped tone.
That gets Michael to shut up.
Soon, all of us are in the kitchen getting drinks and planning what we are going to eat. Charlie walks up and throws his arm over my shoulder like nothing has changed. Callahan wiggles his eyebrows at us and then starts lining bacon on a baking tray.
“How have you been?” Charlie asks me.
“Good.”
“Oh yeah? Dating a white boy all it’s cracked up to be?” He smirks like it’s all good fun, but the grit in his voice is telling.
“Charlie, tell me, how many women have you slept with since we ended things?”
His eyes widen before he looks down.
“Seems like you are doing alright yourself.” I move his arm off of me and go to help with the eggs.
Somehow, it turns into only the women and Callahan doing the cooking. The rest of the guys suddenly have to check emails and make calls. All it does is make me admire my man some more. Especially since he can actually cook.
“Your ma taught you well, huh?” I scoot in close to him and press my shoulder against his.
“Honestly, no, she’s old school and thinks it’s a woman’s thing, but seeing my dad fail at making us dinner when she worked, and Finn almost starving when he moved out, it became my mission to learn.”
“Your knife cutting skills are practically professional,” Sahara says.
“You know I’m good with my hands,” he says, shooting me a wink.
Rowan makes a gagging noise and then promptly goes to set the table.
We all move the food over and start loading our plates before the men come in. I have half a mind to leave them with nothing, but we made too much for that.
A quick breakfast and a mad dash to get ready, we are soon walking into Shearer Cottage, a staple in the Black community.
It started as a laundry house for business by Henrietta Shearer.
Eventually, they expanded it into an inn that catered to Black folks.
It was one of the only places on the island that did so.
Operational for more than a century, we stand in a place of beautiful history.
Farrah and Errol have stars in their eyes as they look around. The type of generational wealth that this family was able to accomplish is something every Black person in America wants for themselves. It’s what we’re owed for building up this country.
Callahan has the sense to give me space here and takes his own time taking everything in. Sahara and I walk with our arms linked until we end up on the porch.
“I think I’m going to buy property here,” she says, leaning against a beam.
“I would love to do something like that.”
“I know you dance, but have you ever thought about expanding into other ventures?”
“Actually, I’m thinking about buying a dance studio.” I wrap my scarf tighter around me in an effort to hide my cheeks. They aren’t just red from the cold.
“What’s stopping you?”
“Honestly, it’s a big change, and it would solidify my decision to walk away from touring with artists. I can still choreograph and try and work on sets and whatnot, but I’d no longer be on the stage. Also, it would take the last bit of money I have saved.”
At this point, I can’t even imagine going back to dancing at all. Everyone keeps assuring me that I’ll be back to normal one day, but all I feel is tired. The cancer might not have spread in my body, but it’s touched both my heart and my mind.
“That is scary, when you put it like that. So you’ll miss it?”
“I don’t think so, but I just want to be sure.”
She goes into her pocket and hands me a card. I already have her phone number, so I’m not sure what this is for.
“I’m a part of an investment group that only takes pitches from BIPOC people. If you do come up with a good business plan, we might be able to get you the start-up funding.”
I look at the card and then at her, trying to find the words. Seeing that I’m at a loss, she comes up and hugs me. We stay that way until Errol comes back out to usher us to the vans.
We make a few more stops, taking in more history and culture of the island before making our way towards the only two places that sell Halloween stuff. The selection is grim, so we might have to get creative.
“You girls can always just wear lingerie and bunny ears,” Charlie says.
Errol shoots Farrah a look, telling her that’s not an option, and Michael just shakes his head. I know Callahan wouldn’t mind, but I do. I only feel sexy with him, and I haven’t been able to find myself in a place where I even feel sexy alone.
We do what we can and then make our way back to the house.
Once in the room, Callahan pulls me into his arms. It’s so natural to relax against him. I’ve been fighting this for so long while absolutely needing it.
“You want to be the Red Riding Hood to my Wolf?” He growls against my neck and then nibbles. With as bulky and hairy as he is, I can see it.
“You don’t have your beard.”
“Who needs it?” He lets me go and throws his arms up.
I look between the tacky wigs I bought, my gut twisting a little.
What if I’m dancing and it flies off and everyone just sees my head?
No one but Callahan has seen me bald. I’m drawing on my eyebrows now, so the idea of being exposed in both ways feels like too much to handle. I sigh and drop them onto the floor.
“I don’t know what to do.” I throw myself backwards onto the bed and kick my feet.
“Why don’t you be a pimp. You have that nice body suit and fur jacket, and the umbrella we brought can be a cane. I’ll even be your ho.” Sliding down my body, he starts to show me exactly what he is capable of. When he stands back up, his boner reminds me that I still look good to him.
“I have to test the product before I sell it,” I say.
“Enough said.”
By the time we get downstairs, everyone is there, so they all are able to turn and see Callahan.
He has on one of the bad wigs from the store, and a stretch dress I’m not sure will ever fit me again.
He’s walking like his big old self, but he has a little bit of sway to his hips.
Everybody but Michael breaks out in applause and gives us an ooh as I slap him on the butt.
By far, he has the best costume out of everyone.
Farrah is wearing a giant heart coat that she swears is couture, and Errol looks like himself but just has on vampire teeth.
Rowan and Charlie went over the top, painting themselves green, and it takes me no time to realize they are ogres.
Michael didn’t try, and it seems like his sour mood made Sahara only dress up in a white dress.
She has a veil on her head, making her the prettiest, and saddest, bride.
“Shots!” screams Rowan.
She tips back Errol’s mouth, just free pouring. He taps her arm, and it takes her a second to stop. Farrah runs over next, and I’m so jealous. Callahan stays by my side and opts for a pop.
“No drinking?” I ask.
“I don’t want you to take advantage of me.”
I know he is doing it for me, making me love him even more. It also makes me want to go running into the ocean. Why can’t he just do something wrong so I can feel less secure?
Speaking of the reason for my expectation, Charlie walks over and asks if we can talk.
“What’s up?” I ask when we get to the living room in the basement.
“I just actually want to check on you. Look, I know this cancer thing is a lot, and I wasn’t the best, but do you think you should be in a relationship right now?”
I cross my arms to ward off his “good intentions”, my back going stiff.
“I think that Callahan has been the most helpful out of everyone, and he is one of the only reasons I haven’t fallen apart. If anything, you should be asking him why he is doing this right now.”
“That’s what I mean, Monty,” he sighs out. “I’m scared the only reason you’re with him is because you met him when you needed someone. You’re relying on him because you have to, not because you want to. You never wanted that.”
Drilling down into the deepest parts of me, he pulls up all my insecurities and throws them in my face. After these weeks of doing everything in my power to fight my instincts, he comes and reminds me of what I’ve always said.
“I know I have messed up, but at least with me, we were on even ground. Neither one of us knew how to give our all.”
Because being so dependent on someone’s existence in your life is so stupid. How could I have let myself get to this point?
“Look, I just don’t want anything to happen to you, and you’ve known this guy for less than a year. What are you going to do if he ends it?”
Fall apart. If he walks away from me just as I relax against him, I will fall and hit a ground I never thought I would see again. I told myself I would never go that low for someone, and yet here I am, only held up by his hand. If he lets go, what does that mean?
“I have to go.” I try to go around him, but he steps in front of me.
He leans forward and for a moment I think he is going to kiss me, but he just pulls me in for a hug. When he steps back, my arms and neck are covered in green.
“Ugh, Charlie!” I run to the bathroom to try and get it off my clothes before it stains. Scrubbing my clothes with a hand towel is how Callahan finds me.
“Get into a fight with an ogre, or should I be concerned?” He tries for a light tone, but his expression weighs the words down.
“Charlie gave me a hug.”
He just nods, an understanding instantly coming over him. Stepping forward to help me, we wash in silence for a moment. Every time he shifts towards me, I shift away, trying not to touch my skin against his.
After I realize smears are the best I can do without a washing machine, I step back.
“You good, love?”
I can’t make eye contact with him, like doing so will put me back under his spell.
“Yeah, just ready to get back.”
He goes for my hand, but I put both behind my back like a playground child before walking past him.
He doesn’t say anything, but he slams the bathroom door behind him and then rushes up the stairs.
He makes a beeline for the alcohol and starts to free pour it into his mouth.
I watch, knowing I should go to him, but I’m so deeply rooted in my insecurities that I don’t.
Instead, I look around at all of the chaos.
Luckily, Errol doesn’t remember anything when he is drunk, so he won’t have to live with the memory of him screaming pop songs while stripping on the island.
Farrah is throwing actual cash at him, and Michael and Charlie are eating the pizza we ordered.
I look for Rowan and Sahara, who are curled up together on the floor.
Callahan joins them, with the bottle still in his hands. His eyes are simmering with an emotion I’m too scared to name.
The rest of the night, he doesn’t try to talk to me again and goes upstairs to bed before everyone else. I decide I’m going to sleep on the couch in the living room, too much of a coward to even go and get pajamas.
After the others make their way to bed, I realize we haven’t seen Rowan and Sahara for a while.
Just as I’m about to search for them, the back door slams shut.
Sahara comes running through the kitchen.
As she is about to pass me, I notice green around her mouth.
I grab for her arm and stop her in place.
“You need to wipe that off,” I say, pointing to her lips.
She touches them, and when they come back green, she covers her whole mouth with her hand. Her eyes water a little before she makes a run for the bathroom.
I retreat the way she came, walking out onto the back patio. Rowan is sitting by the fire pit with the light reflecting off her smeared face.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
She doesn’t look at me, her eyes transfixed on the dancing flames. I slide into the seat next to her.
“Rowan?”
“What’s going on with you and my brother?”
“Huh?”
She sits up, this cloud taking over what little light I saw there. Her lips are pulled so thin it’s almost like she doesn’t have any.
“I told you he is sensitive. Yet, tonight, I watched as you completely ignored him. Do you know what that does to him? How that makes him feel?”
I sink into myself, wilting under her words.
“You don’t get to give half of yourself when he has been giving you everything from the start.
He loves you with every fiber of his being, and you are just giving him pieces.
And the worst of it is that no matter what I say, no matter how much I tell him he deserves better, he won’t walk away from you. ”
She stands up, and I grab onto her wrist. I want to apologize to her, but she is not the one I should be saying sorry to.
So instead I say, “She’s married.”
“I know that! And she’s going to stay with him because he finally agreed to a surrogate. I just wanted to taste her lips once. I just wanted one last moment with her.” She wipes away the tear that streaks down her face, then she pulls free and goes into the house.
I sit for a moment, taking the whole night in. If only love weren’t this complicated. If only I weren’t so damaged. Sahara and I both owe the people we love so much, but I don’t know how either one of us is going to give it to them.
I can’t get myself to go back inside, so I sit wrapped in the blanket that Rowan abandoned, taking in the sky.
It’s not until there is more orange than black that I feel my heart calm back down.
Still, I know if I pressed a hand on his and my chest, it would be the same beat.
A beat that says how much we are meant to be together.