Chapter 32
Callahan holding my hand in this lobby seems to be the only thing that stops me from floating off into my mind.
My silence is like an echo chamber, where every bad thought bounces around louder and louder.
If it weren’t for the TV show in the background and the ringing phone, I would be lost to it entirely.
It seems like every few seconds, he leans over and kisses my forehead. It’s a little reminder that he is here and I will be okay. He is telling me that even if it’s bad news, I will be okay.
I keep reminding myself that the chemo was a precaution. The surgery got the cancer, and the rest was just to be sure. But just like it was a slim chance that I would get this cancer, there is that slim chance that it might not be gone.
That train of thought is derailed by the calling of my name.
We stand up and are led into my doctor’s office. Dr. Gavin is standing and looking a lot better than he did the first time we met.
I instantly let out my breath as he smiles and gestures for us to sit.
Before he even says the words, I know I’m officially in remission.
Hearing it, though, is like pushing through the tunnel.
For so long, there was a dim light, a promise that I would make it to the other side, but feeling the rays of a bright future shine down on me, I feel free.
Callahan is crying and squeezing my hand in both of his. When I touch my cheek with my other one, I realize that I have tears, too. Relief pours out of me as I breathe in hope.
The doctor tells me what the next steps are, and the testing I will have to do yearly. It won’t be a while until I am considered cancer-free, but this is a start. We all look at each other quietly, just letting this all sink in. It doesn’t seem real, even as Callahan leads me out.
Back in his car, he just looks at me, waiting for me to say something, but I’m still stuck in this confirmation.
“Well, sweetheart, I guess this is the end of us.”
His words break me out of my haze, and I turn to take him in.
“What?”
“I’m really only into girls with cancer.” He shrugs and lifts his hands up like there is nothing he can do about it.
I slap his chest, pushing him against the door.
“Shut up,” I say, laughing.
“I’m being serious, hun. This just isn’t exciting anymore.”
I hit him again. This time, he grabs my hand.
“Hun?” I ask
“Do you prefer, babe?”
“I prefer what you always call me.”
He kisses my knuckles and grazes my fingers until he is only holding up my ring finger.
“What about wife? Do you like the sound of that?”
My breath catches. I look at him with wide eyes waiting.
“Callahan?”
“Not yet, love. I wouldn’t propose to you outside of your oncologist’s office when you’re emotional. I’m just keeping you on your toes.”
Hearing that I have the chance of many years to spend with him, I’m now looking forward to the moment when it happens.
He could ask me while I’m knee-deep in shit, and I would say yes, because every moment with Callahan brings me peace.
I’m free from the burden of this disease, and that just opens me up to more of a life.
One filled with him, our families and friends.
It’s a future brimming with so much potential, and I’m so happy to step towards it.
We drive off, and I feel like I’m heading towards the rest of my life.
Farrah’s party to celebrate me being in remission happens a short week after my appointment. It seems like everyone I have ever known has come to celebrate with me. As much as I appreciate them being here, I’m happier to see the people who have been here through it all.
“Here, baby girl.” My dad hands me the alcohol I am finally cleared to drink, before passing the shots to everyone else.
Still reeling from Martha’s Vineyard, Errol opts for his water, but Callahan, Farrah, and Rowan take one. Charlie grabs a whole bottle, and Sahara hasn’t shown up yet.
“This is to Monty, the strongest woman I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, and the best daughter any father could ask for.”
Farrah holds her hand up, stopping us from taking a drink.
“To Monty, who not only faced down cancer, but did it with style,” she says.
“To Monty, who looked this diagnosis in the face and didn’t flinch,” Charlie says.
“To Monty, just for being a badass bitch,” Rowan says, rounding us off.
“Cheers,” we all say before throwing it back.
Errol goes next and gives a long speech that only a director would give. He agrees to take a sip to join in with everyone else.
On the third shot, Callahan is about to speak, but I press a finger against his lips.
“My turn,” I call out.
“Yes, cheers yourself, girl!” Farrah yells
“Actually, I would like to say a cheer to Callahan. As kind as you guys are being, you all know how stubborn I have been through this process. You know how hard I fought to somehow do it all on my own.”
A few of them nod.
“I couldn’t. And I know I wouldn’t have been able to do it all without him.
” I step closer to him, removing my hand from his mouth.
“Cheers to Callahan, the man who held me while I threw up, who made me laugh when I didn’t think I could smile, and who glued down my wigs.
Cheers to the love I didn’t know was possible, but always needed.
You are exactly what I require, and I owe a big portion of this journey to you. ”
Everyone yells, but I don’t have time to take my shot before his lips are on mine.
I smile against his mouth and then only indulge him for a few seconds.
It was already too long for our family, because my dad is doing a completely unsubtle cough, and Rowan is screaming for us to stop.
But it’s clear he doesn’t want to because he is dragging me towards the stairs.
Once in my room, he pulls me against him and tries the kiss again. This time I lean in entirely. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I hold him close to me.
“You didn’t have to do that,” he whispers into the crook of my neck.
“Baby, that’s just the beginning. You have a long life of me being thankful I’m in it.”
He holds me even tighter until it feels like every part of me is touching him. We stay that way longer than we should. The guest of honor shouldn’t be gone from the party for this much time, but I don’t care.
“We should go back,” he says as if hearing my thoughts.
“Yes, we should, but just one more minute.”
The rhythm of his heartbeat has always moved me, but the rapid pace of it now has me swaying us back and forth.
We dance to the sounds of our breathing.
The backbeat of our love. It’s the best song I have ever heard.
It is connecting me back to that part of me that loves to dance.
I don’t want to stop, but I hear Farrah calling my name.
We head back downstairs to more shots and a few gifts. I don’t know what you give someone for surviving cancer, but people seem to feel obligated to buy something.
I don’t want to open them right now, so I have Callahan bring them upstairs. While he does, I pull Rowan to the side.
“Hey, I know we both are tipsy and it’s supposed to be a party, but I wanted to talk to you about Callahan,” I say.
She nods, and we walk onto the back porch with our jackets on. The alcohol helps to warm us up against the crisp winter chill. She pushes her hair from behind her ears to cover them and takes a big sip of her beer.
“Look, I know we never finished that conversation from St. Patrick’s, and I am sure you don’t want to now, but I want to explain.”
She doesn’t say anything as we sit on the stairs.
“My white mom really did a number on me, and it was the reason I only dated Black men. Callahan is so amazing that he made me get over that. But all my other issues from her still flared up. I know I shouldn’t have let that be an excuse to treat him like that, and I won’t do it again, but I just want you to know that I love your brother, and I plan on spending the rest of my life showing him how much he is loved. ”
She sighs and closes her eyes for a moment. “I don’t know how much you know about his relationship with our Pa.”
“I know everything.”
“Then you should know Callahan has a long history of trying to earn things from people. Whether you like it or not, you made him have to earn you, and then you made it seem like that effort wasn’t enough.
” She turns her icy eyes on me, and it’s the coldest I have ever seen Rowan look.
I know there is a part of her that might never forgive me for this.
“I’m not going to apologize for making him earn me.
I’m a prize. But I can tell you that I plan on spending time earning him, too, because I want him to know he is also one.
I don’t want your brother to feel lucky that someone wants him.
I want him to realize it’s about damn time and it shouldn’t have taken this long. ”
She stares me down, and I don’t look away. I want her to see every intention in my eyes. I want her to see how much her brother means to me.
“I guess you are finally going to have siblings then,” she says before offering me a small smile.
I pull her in for a hug and rest my head on her shoulder. She sighs, and it feels like we are rebuilding the bridge I burned.
“Let’s go inside, it’s freezing,” I say, standing up. She does too, but grabs my arm to stop me.
“Guess what? I showed Charlie my book, and he is going to publish it.”
“Rowan!” I hug her again. This time tighter.
“I know. I need to change something, and right now I feel like this is the only thing I have control over.” I know what she is referring to, and I wonder if she is going to say anything else.
She just gives me one more tight squeeze and walks inside. I offer a toast to her, and this time, Sahara is there. She won’t look away from Rowan, but Rowan refuses to look in her direction. The tension is palpable in the air, to the point that Charlie is looking for the cause.
When he stares in my direction, I know he is about to pull me to the side.
“Can we talk?” he asks.
“No. I don’t think we should talk at all. I think we’ve said everything we need to say to each other.”
“What does that mean?” His eyebrows furrow and his lips get thin.
“It means I wish you all the best, Charlie, but I think we need more distance.”
“Are you serious?”
“I love you as a friend, but it’s time I focus on the people who love me the way I want to be loved. I need people who root for my relationship and care about him, too. I think you need to focus on finding out what it is that you need as well.” I kiss his cheek and then walk away.
Looking for Callahan, I go into the living room.
In there, he is holding court, and showing me one of the things I love so much about him.
The guy can talk to anyone, and will talk to anyone if given the chance.
I’m the same way, so I join and spend the rest of the evening in never-ending conversations.
I stop drinking after the toast to Rowan, so I can slowly start to sober up.
The last thing I want is to ever throw up again.
Callahan, who is capable of drinking a bottle of whiskey and still stand, is perfectly okay well into the night.
Once things start to slow down and my dad passes out on the couch, I take Callahan upstairs.
“I wanted to talk to you about something,” I say.
His face lights up and then dims as he begins to look uncertain. I hold up a key chain with the car that he bought me at the market.
“What’s this?”
“It’s where I am going to be putting your house keys. No matter what I do when I’m in San Francisco, I want it to be your house that I call home. If that’s okay.”
He throws me on the bed and climbs on top, kissing all over my face. Even when I burst into a fit of giggles, he doesn’t stop. When he lets me up, he grabs my face and kisses my lips once more.
“I didn’t want to bring up you staying here, but now that you are through it all, what is your plan?” He lies down on his elbow.
I do the same, facing him. His pale skin is luminous under the lights, and I can’t help but be in awe. But his shoulders look stiff as he fights with himself not to frown. This is a conversation we have both been avoiding.
“I talked to Madame Genevieve, and she is going to let me teach a dance workshop. I just want to get back to feeling good in my body. I’m still processing everything that happened.”
I know I don’t want to leave him. I can’t imagine not seeing his face for weeks on end.
But I can’t let that be the only deciding factor.
As much as I have given in to the idea that I’m going to be his wife, I still need to make sure I know who I am outside of him, and this year has unraveled everything I thought I knew.
Still, I picture a life with him where I come home every day from teaching future stars and curl into his arms. Eventually, we’ll add children to that, and maybe a dog, and it will all be perfect.
He doesn’t look happy at that answer, but I didn’t expect him to.
“No matter what, I’ll be calling San Francisco home at some point. I just need to get more established before living here.”
“Okay, love,” he says, looking a little more relieved. “For Christmas, since you are coming, why don’t you bring your dad?”
I try to imagine my father and Cormac seated on the couch watching football.
They are both yellers, but for different teams, so that might pose a problem.
But for so long it’s just been me and him.
What would it be like to be surrounded by a bunch of people who would one day care about him, like he cares about Callahan?
“Yes, I think I’ll ask him to come.”
“Good.” He kisses my hand and then rests it on his cheek.
“Hey, I want to take you on a date,” I say, sitting up. I cross my legs and face him.
“Again?”
“Mhm, dress warm.”
He says, “Okay,” with a wide smile on his face.
It amazes me how much a small gesture can light him up. I look forward to seeing that smile almost every day of my life.
We get undressed and cuddle under the blankets.
This is his first time sleeping over with my dad home.
If he doesn’t cuss me out tomorrow, then that means he really likes Callahan.
But I doubt their good relationship will stop him from still thinking of me as his little girl.
I’ll just have to sneak Callahan out in the morning. Well, afternoon.
By the time I come to this conclusion, he is snoring.