Chapter 12 #2
When I walked around the car, Dani ran outside and all but tackled me with a hug. “It’s so good to see you!”
“You too.”
Zack appeared and walked to the car. “Can I help with your luggage?”
“Thanks—but I’m on the road as much as you guys. I’ve learned how to pack light.” As proof, I pulled out the small bag from the backseat and slung it over my shoulder. “You guys look great.”
“So do you,” Dani said as Zack opened the front door to let us both in.
Once inside, I took it all in—a modest living room and kitchen with other rooms to the rear.
And, although it had an older feel to it, the paint on the walls was fresh, as was the stone tile on the kitchen floor and the plush carpeting in the living room.
It felt almost like Dani and Zack—probably in a way my apartment felt almost like me. Until I settled into a house, I was simply borrowing the structure of others and fitting into it. And that was fine. I didn’t need anything else.
“Let me show you to your room,” Dani said, leading me upstairs.
Zack asked, “Need my help?”
“Nope.”
Once there, Dani led me into the first bedroom at the top. “This used to be Cy’s room.”
“He lived with Zack?”
“Yeah, for a while. He bought a house that he said hopes goes up in value for when he moves out of Dalton.”
“Why didn’t he just move now?”
“I don’t think he knows where he wants to end up—and, besides, it’s easier for practices if he’s closer.”
“Makes sense.” The room didn’t feel like Cy, telling me Dani had redecorated once the guitarist had moved out. It wasn’t big, but I didn’t need a lot of space, especially just visiting.
“Wanna hang out with me in the kitchen? I’ll make some hot cocoa, but since we’re doing Thanksgiving here, I’m prepping some stuff now. Mom’s gonna come over around six tomorrow morning to help with everything else—but I promised to get some of the stuff done early.”
As we headed back downstairs, I asked, “Like what?”
“Just a couple of pies—and deviled eggs and a green salad.”
“Can I help?”
“I was hoping you’d say that.”
Soon, Dani had me slicing apples at the counter while she stirred a pan with pudding on the stovetop for a banana cream pie. We already had mugs of hot cocoa with marshmallows to sip on, and we’d been chatting about their time in Europe.
Zack had just left to head over to the studio, the building next to the house, leaving me alone with my friend.
Even though nothing had really happened between Braden and me other than longing and something unrequited—and considering whatever that had been was now over—I felt like I was long overdue in spilling it all to my friend.
“D…there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”
“Oh, shit. This sounds serious.”
“I don’t know. Maybe?” When she turned so she could see me better, I put down the knife, having finished peeling another apple.
“There is—or was—something happening between me and Braden. After that interview I gave him, I could feel some kind of connection—and I know he did too, but he’s not willing to give it a chance. ”
I couldn’t read her face. Was she disappointed? Upset? Hurt that I hadn’t told her sooner? Finally, though, she said, “It might be because of me. It’s no secret you’re my best friend. That might make things a little…weird.”
“Yeah, but I don’t think that’s it.” Feeling a little more relaxed, I picked up another apple and started removing the peel with the paring knife.
“You sure?”
“I mean…it could be, but I more get the feeling that he’s holding back. Like he doesn’t trust himself.” He’d actually said those words to me, so I knew it was true.
“Maybe you just need to give him time.”
“I’ve given him a lot of time.”
Dani seemed to ponder it as she turned off the burner and picked up the pot, using a spatula to pour the pudding over the banana slices neatly arranged in a graham cracker pie crust. “You might be right about him not trusting himself. I know they say everyone grieves on their own timeline, but it’s been, like, a year and a half.
And I never want to tell him to get over it, but I wish I could help him.
All that shit is my doing. If he really doesn’t trust himself, that’s on me. ”
“Please don’t cry, doll. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”
“No, it’s okay,” she said, wiping away a tear with the back of her forearm.
“It’s the biggest regret of my life. Not being with Braden, but not ending our relationship sooner.
I knew pretty early on that, even though I loved him, it wasn’t the kind of love that would sustain a long marriage.
I’d already had that love and lost it, so I knew—but I just kept hoping… ”
“Yeah, I know.” I put down the apple and knife and got up, hugging my friend after she put the pot down.
Seconds later, Zack reentered the house. “Am I interrupting something?” Although the words sounded kind, there was a smart-ass quality to them. It wasn’t until I let go of Dani and saw his face that I realized he was making a joke.
“Yes, so if you don’t want to help make pies, get out of here!” Dani said, her voice suddenly playful.
No matter what I’d ever thought of Zack, I could see clearly just how happy he made her.
In an instant, he’d taken her from feeling low to high as if he’d turned a knob.
I knew Dani had already done much penance and suffered from a lot of guilt, and I didn’t think she deserved any more grief than she’d already borne.
“I can help,” he offered.
“I’ll need you tomorrow morning. Mom’s gonna be like an army commander.”
“So you’re just doing pies right now?”
“Yeah,” Dani said, waving an arm across the counter to show off the three pies already made.
Jesus. She’d said a couple. How many people were they expecting tomorrow?
“I just wondered if you wanted to take a quick break. Roxy’s never seen the studio.”
My rock reporter hackles went up. Maybe I could combine a small vacation with work. So I asked, “Can I interview you guys there? Maybe take some pictures to share with the fans?”
“I don’t see why not.”
Although I got an unexpected bonus article out of the deal, it also meant that Dani and I were working later than expected—so Zack fetched some carryout Chinese and we sat at the kitchen table talking while eating until Dani and I finished up our tasks shortly before ten and went to bed just as a light snow started falling.
Until I stared out the window watching it, I’d forgotten just how much I’d missed it.
I was used to snow. My childhood had been filled with plenty of it—and, even though I’d never been a skier, I was familiar with different types of snow.
For instance, what had transpired the night before had been just a skiff—it had grown colder overnight and there was nothing more than a light dusting on the ground outside.
But it was still dark, and I couldn’t tell if maybe it was still coming down, even looking out the window. All I knew was it wasn’t a blizzard.
As I stretched on the bed wondering why the hell Dani and her mom wanted to get up at this ungodly hour just to make too much food, I realized I’d slept well the night before.
It had been hard at first because it was too damn quiet.
I’d heard Zack and Dani’s voices down the hall for a few minutes, but then the house settled into silence.
Occasionally, the vents would come on, blowing warm air into the room, making a sound like a white noise machine, but then it would grow quiet again.
Once, I thought I heard a car driving down the road in front of the house, but there were no sirens, no street noises, no music or neighbors fighting.
That lack of noise had made it hard to drift off—but, once I did, I’d slept straight through until my phone alarm went off.
I took a quick shower and then put on minimal makeup after pulling my damp hair up into a ponytail—and then I ran downstairs to join Dani.
“I’ve got some coffee here,” she said.
“Good. I think I’m gonna need an IV drip of the stuff!”
It wasn’t long before Dani’s mother arrived and Zack joined us, and Dani had been right except for one thing—although her mother assigned us plenty of tasks, she wasn’t barking orders.
And I was amazed at how much had to be done to create a true feast for lots of people.
It wasn’t until after ten o’clock when Dani and I were setting the table in the dining room near the back of the house that I understood just how many people would be there—far fewer than I’d suspected based on the pies, but we set the table for ten.
I calculated them in my head—Dani and Zack, me, and Dani’s mom Christine and her fiancé.
Zack’s mom wouldn’t be there until that evening after her shift was over. That still left three.
When Dani’s grandma and grandpa arrived after eleven, I wondered if maybe the extra chair was an oversight—or maybe, when Christine’s fiancé appeared, he’d have another person in tow. I knew he’d been married before, so he might have a son or daughter with him.
I was not prepared for the person who filled that other spot.
Braden.
I supposed I shouldn’t be surprised, but I was—and I wondered why Dani hadn’t said anything yesterday when we’d been talking.
Maybe she’d meant to but Zack had sidetracked us.
As it approached one o’clock, everyone was there.
Rob, Christine’s fiancé, was busy carving the turkey on a side table in the dining room.
Zack was filling drinks, and Dani and I were toting dishes in from the kitchen to the side table.
And it was during one of those trips back and forth that the doorbell rang and Zack paused to answer it, letting his oldest friend in the house.
I pretended not to notice and that was easy because I was picking up two more bowls and carrying them to the dining room—but I wouldn’t be able to avoid him forever.
I just wanted to get my bearings. After all, what could I say other than greet him?
He’d made it clear that whatever it was we had was going nowhere, and I hoped my silence had told him I wanted all or nothing.
Or, at least, more than he’d been willing to give.
When I came back in the kitchen, Zack was leading him through to the dining room, and I said a simple hi. He returned my greeting, but I saw something in his eyes.
And that didn’t matter. I’d seen it before and it hadn’t led anywhere. I needed to move on.
But he pulled me into a hug and then I was filled with confusion. What the hell? I couldn’t help but hug him back…and he said, “Good to see you.”
I muttered, “Yeah, you too.” But then Zack led him into the dining room.
When we were all seated, I was next to Dani and her grandma sat on the other side of me. Braden was at the other end of the table sitting next to Zack—so, even though there was no way to ignore each other, we also had a little distance.
When we cleaned up the table, we four women wound up washing the dishes, and Dani made a comment that women were still living in the middle ages.
Zack offered to step in for her but her mother and grandma wouldn’t hear of it.
Her grandmother washed while her mother rinsed.
I dried off the dishes and Dani put them away.
It was actually pretty efficient, and I felt like I got to know her mother and grandma a little bit.
I loved them both.
Dani’s family was so different from mine and I’d have thought it would have made me feel uncomfortable but that wasn’t the case. I felt relaxed and welcomed by all. If Braden hadn’t been there, I would have felt entirely free.
When we finished, Zack announced that he had pulled out the board games and cards and invited us all to play. The other women left the kitchen while I hung back to fill up my glass of iced tea.
And that was when Braden showed up—and, finally, we were without the buffer of other people. “Hey,” he said, his voice sounding as casual as he could make it.
“Hey.” I wondered if that would be it, if we could just leave it there and call it good.
But no.
“You seem like you’ve been pretty busy lately.”
Why would he say that? It only took a few seconds for me to figure it out.
I hadn’t been readily available like I had been before we’d kissed. I wasn’t texting words of encouragement…and I forgot that I’d turned off notifications for his text messages. It was possible that I’d missed something.
But it didn’t matter. I had to figure out how to move on.
And I wasn’t going to give him more than a short answer. “Yeah, I am.”
He gave me a short nod. “It’s probably better that way.”
I didn’t know what to say, but it told me everything I needed to know: he wouldn’t fight for me, for us.
He wouldn’t fight for himself.
Before I could say anything else, Zack appeared and joined us. “Bro, you sure you don’t wanna stick around, play some games?”
“Nah. My mom was upset enough that I was coming here first.”
Zack walked him to the door, leaving me with the empty space. The world wasn’t going to wait for me while Braden moved on and I tried to sort everything out.
And I had to be okay with that. Braden put on his jacket and Zack walked outside with him. The sun was coming out now, melting what little snow had fallen, but it felt cold and empty where I stood. Was I okay with all this?
I thought I was. It was actually pretty easy letting that gap between us grow because he wasn’t pulling me closer and, if he wasn’t, I wouldn’t be moving toward him willingly.
But basking in the warmth of Dani’s family that afternoon helped far more than I ever would have thought. Life would go on and I would be okay.