Chapter 15
On the Wednesday afternoon the day before Christmas Eve, I pulled the rental car in front of my parents’ white two-story home in the woods of northwest Montana, looking forward to seeing my brother Creed, because it would be the first time in two years that I’d get to see him.
I was also eager to see my niece Daisy, who was probably school age by now.
As I pulled a small bag out of the back seat, I briefly thought about how my career was changing and wondered if I’d share any of that with my family.
And I decided I would—because if our relationships were going to be better, I needed to be honest and open, all while remembering that I could only control myself.
Thinking of control, I briefly thought of Braden. I wasn’t surprised that he’d never responded to my answer when he’d texted about the awards show, and I tried not to let it bother me. Instead, I focused on all my new duties that invigorated the enthusiasm I had for my work.
And determining to not just survive my family for three days…but how to enjoy them.
The best way to start was to be myself. Unlike past visits, I let it all hang out: the purple in my hair, worn down and naturally, all my jewelry, and—underneath the coat I’d known I’d need here—nothing more than a black scoop-necked t-shirt with a Slipknot logo on the front.
If my family was going to accept me or even simply tolerate me, it was going to be me, not some version of myself where I hid behind a mask.
Although it wasn’t snowing yet, the clouds above hinted at the possibility, and plenty of snow already covered the ground, a testament to the weather thus far.
It was cold, but the coat I’d brought was plenty warm.
I never had to wear it in L.A., but I often took it with me when I traveled in the winter—unless I was going to places like Florida, Texas, or Arizona.
As I walked up the wooden steps to the front door, my mother opened it, arms outstretched.
After giving me a hug, she said, “Let me get that.” She took my duffel bag as I shrugged off my backpack.
I set it down, taking off the coat and hanging it on one of the pegs in the foyer. My mom asked, “How was your trip?”
“It was good. It looks like it’s getting ready to snow.”
“They say we’ll get about four inches tonight.
” It wasn’t until then that my mother got the whole effect of me not hiding myself—the tattoo sleeves, the t-shirt paired with worn jeans and black army boots, piercings, and hair.
Even though I couldn’t miss the disapproval in her blue eyes, she didn’t say anything.
Without another word, she began leading me inside the house, still carrying my duffel bag.
We were walking through the living room, a space that was reserved for visitors.
Unlike the family room that displayed the heads of elk and deer my father had hunted in years past, not to mention a bear-skin rug that hung on one wall and a big-screen TV on the other, the living room was more sedated: the walls were a light cream color with big windows adorned by pastel draperies, a beige couch and chairs with pastel throw pillows, and a big light brown rug underneath the furniture surrounding a huge coffee table.
And, of course, it and the end tables were adorned with books and knickknacks—and the books, if not the Bible itself, had a religious angle.
On the walls were inspirational sayings mingled with Bible verses in decorative cursive fonts, displaying my parents’ beliefs.
On one wall was a big gas fireplace with family photos on the mantel—all the pictures, of course, were taken before Creed had left home.
I knew there were other pictures elsewhere, but they were not on display here.
For any and all of their visitors from church, this room would have felt warm and homey.
I didn’t hate it…but it was definitely not me.
Up the stairs we went. I asked, “Is everybody going to be here?”
“Yes,” my mother said, her voice almost singing with glee. “Creed’s already here and your Aunt Jenny and Uncle Kyle should be here tonight.”
“Oh, wow.”
“Yes…so I hope it’s okay that you’ll be sharing your room with their granddaughter. We’ve added another twin bed in there.”
That room was no longer mine—and as long as I had a place to lay my head, I didn’t care. “That’s fine.”
When we got there, I realized that it had never been my room…because what little was left of my childhood—white desk, a twin bed with brass headboard, and one framed print with the Bible verse “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me”—wasn’t really me at all.
I placed my backpack on that bed and took the duffel from my mother. She said, “You’re still working for that magazine?”
“Yes. And I recently took on more responsibilities.”
Her mouth turned down, the slight wrinkles around her lips more evident. “We kept hoping you’d give it up and find a real job someday.”
A year ago—hell, even a few months ago—I might have just downplayed what she’d said. But not anymore. I just said, “I’m doing something I love, and I’m very happy with my life.”
I didn’t even tell her I would have preferred to talk about something else.
To that, she simply said, “Hmm.”
“Can I help you with any meal prep?” I asked.
“Probably tonight. I’m just finishing up the desserts now. But why don’t you get some hot cocoa? Creed is around here somewhere and I know he’s been looking forward to seeing you.”
That made two of us.
After we hugged each other and quickly caught each other up on what we’d been doing since our last visit, we finished the hot cocoa our mom had made and Creed said, “Wanna take a walk before the snow starts?” My brother wore a light blue sweater and gray slacks, his brown hair neatly groomed, face shaven, his blue-gray eyes looking extra vivid with the sweater’s color reflected in them.
My mother said, “Do you have the shoes for it?”
I just stuck out my feet to show off my boots. Creed said, “I always come prepared, mama. You should know that.”
After he flew down the stairs wearing a pair of boots that my father might have worn while repairing one of the fences on the property, he put on a gorgeous gray suede coat while I donned my navy blue not-as-fashionable one, and out we went.
It was cold enough that we could see our breath.
Although the clouds cast a shadow as far as the eyes could see, the evergreen trees looked as vibrant and colorful as ever.
Creed said, “We should probably stick to the road.” I was a little sad, hoping we could walk the old trail through the woods that led to a stream, but I agreed, not wanting to hike through a foot of snow.
I hadn’t brought gloves, so I shoved my hands in my pockets, following my brother down the gravel drive to the main road. It was dirt, but there wasn’t a lot of traffic, so we could walk along the side where less snow had accumulated. I said, “I’m so glad you came. I didn’t think you would.”
“I debated, sis—believe me. As it was, I didn’t bring my…partner.”
“Oh. You have someone special in your life?”
“I do. And…I was hoping to talk to you about that.”
Oh…now was the moment I’d been waiting for. He was finally going to come out to me—and I felt honored that he would choose me first. But, of course, I was assuming a lot. It was possible he’d already told our parents. Instead of saying anything, I just nodded.
Creed’s voice was soft when he spoke. “You’ve…probably noticed I’m a little different.”
Wanting him to feel my support, I said, “That’s a good thing.”
“Well, you know mom and dad wouldn’t feel the same way.” So he hadn’t told them.
“Yeah. Trust me—I know,” I said, grinning before returning my gaze to the snowy path in front of me.
“You could say I’m gay—but there’s more to it than that.”
Nodding, I hoped he could feel my support. “Nothing wrong with that.”
“I’m…” When he stopped walking, I did too, and we faced each other. “I’ve started HRT.” To the question in my eyes, he said, “Hormone replacement therapy. I’m trans. So…I do have a boyfriend, but I’m going to be transitioning.”
“Oh, wow.” I didn’t know what else to say, and I didn’t want to come off as judgy. It was just more than I’d expected—not that it was a bad thing.
“I know you always wanted a sister.”
“And now I’ll have one.” I gave him a hug, hoping he knew I loved and accepted him no matter what. Except…maybe him wasn’t the right thing to say. “Um…do you have a preferred name? Do you want me to call you by different pronouns?”
“Oh, no, sis. Not yet. I’m planning to come out to mom and dad on Saturday before I go back home. Will you still be here?”
“I’m flying out Saturday too.” I’d intentionally done that so I didn’t have to do the church thing—and that was probably what Creed had thought too.
“I’m leaving here around four in the afternoon.”
He let out a sigh of relief. “I’m so glad. Do you mind being there with me?”
“I’d be happy to.”
With a huge smile, he hugged me again and kissed my cheek.
“Thank you.” For several minutes, we walked in silence with not a single truck passing us by.
Creed finally said, “Nice job showing off your authentic self, by the way. Not wearing anything to cover up your tattoos in front of mom? That’s different. That’s good.”
“I decided to be myself.”
“I’m proud of you for that. It’s taken me a while to get there. I always felt like I had to prove I belonged. But the new me has decided to only choose to keep people in my life who accept me for who I am…people I don’t have to change myself for. And it’s nice to see you doing the same thing.”
I nodded while his words settled deep inside my brain and heart, and it was a light bulb illuminating the darkest corners inside me.
I didn’t have to pretend. I didn’t have to explain. And that applied not just to my family but to Braden as well. And, as long as he saw me for who I truly was, then maybe we could just be friends and all would be fine.