Chapter Forty-six Daniel
Chapter Forty-six
Daniel
My father’s cold hands rest on mine so the gun in my hands doesn’t slide off onto the ground. Sweat is running down my face, the only emotion I’m able to feel being anxiety.
My father is counting on me. I can’t fuck this up. I asked for this.
I have to show him I’m worthy enough to be the next boss—but the man kneeling in front of me… He looks terrified. He knows he has to die. Right here. Right now.
“Papà…” I whisper in pain, squeezing my eyes shut so I won’t have to look at the man in front of me. I don’t want to see his pain. I don’t want to be the cause of his pain. I don’t want this…
But I need to do this.
“You can do it,” my father encourages me. “He deserves it. He did terrible things to your family.”
It’s when I open my eyes again to look at him once more. He did things to my family.
“What did he do?” I ask.
My father laughs quietly, refocusing my hands onto the man’s forehead. “You’ll find out soon. Only thing you have to do is take revenge. Because that’s what we do.”
His words make me think. The man’s eyes on mine make me… Feel conflicted,
I don’t want to kill him. He seems terrified. But at the same time, the way he looks at me makes me feel…
Powerful.
How can a man be so terrified of a seventeen-year-old boy who’s just learning to shoot right? I don’t get it. But it somehow makes me feel superior to him.
In a really, really good way. And at the same time, it makes me feel really, really awful.
Like I’m the bad guy here. I can’t just take his life, he probably has a family too, I…
My whole body tenses when my dad’s hands get more forceful. No… No, no, no. I can’t do this.
I can’t take someone’s life. I’m not a bad guy.
“Figlio mio... Rendimi orgoglioso di te.“
My son... Make me proud of you.
I know I have to. I just need to listen to my father. It’ll be alright.
I take a deep breath, closing my eyes before I open them again to stare at the man in front of me.
“Pronto a morire?“
The man blinks. His lips part, but no words come. He doesn’t understand Italian. He also doesn’t understand that I’ve just sentenced him to die.
I need to make my father proud. That’s all I can think of. Even if it terrifies me, I have to act like I’m confident.
It’s the first thing my father taught me.
Even if I’m scared, don’t let anybody see it.
My fingers slowly wrap around the trigger. My dad takes a step back in an instant, watching my every move from behind.
Fuck it. I have to do it if I want to make my dad proud.
The trigger feels like a knife to my skin. But it won’t cut me. It won’t harm me.
I’ve learned how to handle this gun. I’m well aware I’m seconds away of killing this man.
And if I want to be the next boss, then I have to…
The moment I finally pull the trigger; the impact sends me staggering back. Fuck.
When I finally am able to look back at the man, I stop. I think I’m about to throw up.
The room seems as silent as ever. Not a single noise, even the birds chirping outside, arrives in my mind.
Only the sight of red.
The man is still looking at me, his eyes open, as if he’s judging me for killing him. But just seconds after, his body sways before it falls down to the ground, covering the floor with his blood.
The gun in my hand suddenly doesn’t feel like metal anymore, it feels like gold. My hands are still trembling.
For a moment, I feel untouchable. Power courses through me. But gold is heavier than metal—and it’s dragging me down.
All I can notice in the moment is my knees hitting the ground, my eyes observing the now dead man’s body in front.
My fingers tremble as I finally lower the gun.
I killed someone. I took someone’s life. Just to make my father proud.
My eyes stare into the abyss. I’m a fucking murderer.
“It wasn’t that hard, was it?” My father’s voice suddenly echoes through the silence. All I can feel is his hand resting on my shoulder before I look up at him.
“I…” It was. It was extremely hard. But I can’t tell him, if my dad finds out, I…
“No worries. My first kill took a toll on me too. Con il tempo, diventa più facile.”
It gets easier with time. I hope so, too. I really do.
But even when my father leaves me alone, I sit there for almost an hour, staring at the lifeless body in front of me.
It was my fault. I killed him.
I’m a murderer. Fuck. Why did I just… Do this? Why did I do this? Why did I choose this way?
I shouldn’t have, I…
The dream lingers, the weight of it pressing down on me as I blink into the dark. I can still feel the gun in my hands, the fear in that man’s eyes. And then, as I turn to her, it all fades away.
She’s here, right with me.
I spend my next three minutes sitting on my bed, staring at the bedroom wall in the darkness.
Oh my fucking god. That did not just happen, right…? Fuck.
This hasn’t been happening for years now. I thought I let that memory behind?
“Daniel? Are you okay?”
My shocked expression turns to a gentle smile in an instant before I turn around to look at my girl. “I’m fine. Just a nightmare.”
She doesn’t turn on the light, just looks at me in the darkness. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I think about her offer. I don’t know. Do I want to talk about that?
In some sort, yes. But I can’t. Not now, at least. Not yet. And not with her.
I’m worried that if I do, she’s gonna judge me for it. I don’t want to vent to her about my first kill when she’s already struggling to digest the murder she saw me attempt.
I need to give her time before I talk to her about things like this. Just like she told me.
She needs time, and that’s okay. I’ll give her all the time she needs.
“It’s okay, pretty. It’s just a nightmare, nothing huge. I’m sure I’ve forgotten about it in the morning.” It’s a lie. I won’t forget about it so easily. But it’s okay.
I can handle it.
She doesn’t respond right away. I’m sure she’s doubting me, but she nods after a few seconds.
When I lay back down with her, I hold her body close on mine. “I’ll be fine, baby.” I reassure her. However, in some way, I feel more like I’m trying to reassure myself.
A satisfied sigh escapes my lips when her lips meet my neck. She kisses my skin gently, making my body relax. Fuck.
She’s so good at this. She always knows what I need, when I need it. And now, I need her.
Nothing else.
“I love this, baby…”
She giggles softly, continuing to kiss my skin, making me feel good.
“Just like that. Please don’t stop…”
Her hands wander onto my face, holding onto me softly before her lips crash onto mine. Our kiss stays gentle, yet intense.
She just wants to make me feel better. And fuck, she’s doing a really good job at that. She knows exactly what to do in order to make me feel calm.
I kiss her back, my hand resting on her hip as I lose myself in the feeling of her. Kissing her, touching her, smelling her—it’s all I need.
She’s all I need.
Everything else doesn’t matter to me. Although the faint memories of my dream still linger in the back of my mind, my focus is on her.
It’s just her and me in the dark room, cuddled up in the bed. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Because she’s my calm during this storm.