Chapter 12
CHAPTER 12
W illow could feel herself crashing after she’d gotten home and taken a long hot shower, washing her hair and body. Her leg wound had been stitched closed and the doctor had placed a waterproof bandage over it. He’d told her no baths for at least a week. That was a bummer, but she could live with it. Donning a long lavender t-shirt that hung just above her knees, she quickly combed out her red hair, allowing it to air-dry. Her mind and heart were constantly on Shep. He’d pampered her once they got home, bustling around and making sure everything she needed was within easy reach. And then he’d left for his condo to go get cleaned up and find a set of dry, clean clothes to wear.
The late afternoon sunlight lanced in through the south and west windows of her own place as she stepped barefoot out of the bathroom. It was quiet in her condo, and the relief that they’d escaped alive was still filtering through her. How close she and Shep had come to getting killed. The shock was still rolling through her and she could feel its cold presence lingering even after the hot shower. It had been barely an hour and a half since he’d left but she already missed his quiet, strong presence. Picking up her cell, she called him.
“Porter here,” he answered.
“It’s me. Are you clean yet?”
He laughed. “Yeah, pretty much so. Nice not to smell like muddy river water.”
“Tell me about it.” She licked her lower lip. “Shep? Do you feel like coming down here? I’d like your company.” There was a moment of silence. Willow swore she could feel shock coming from Shep even through the phone connection. Why?
“Sure. Can I bring you down anything with me? I’ve just made a huge salad and put chunks of tuna in it. Are you hungry?”
She smiled, leaning against the kitchen counter. “Yes, my stomach is growling. Bring it and yourself down here?”
“You set the table and I’ll be there in a minute,” he promised.
She clicked off the phone, her heart beating a little harder in her chest. Wrinkling her nose, she knew she probably looked shabby in her favorite run-around tee. Shep had seen her like this before, so she let that go. More than anything, she wanted him… his energy… his voice. It was stabilizing to her right now. Opening the cabinet, she took down two large bowls. There was what felt like desperation roiling within her, going up and down like a rollercoaster. Right now, she needed Shep’s presence… his touch… HIM! He’d saved her life.
The knock at her door came five minutes later and she opened it. Shep was wearing a form-fitting dark-red t-shirt and jeans that lovingly outlined his hard lower body. On his feet where a pair of frayed gray tennis shoes without socks. He looked incredibly handsome to her, his hair still damp, slightly curled here and there, being so long and with such a mind of its own. He’d trimmed his beard, taking a piece of that darkness away from his face that always inspired her imagination. When he’d had that fullness of beard back in Afghanistan, it had made him look dangerous to her in a sexual kind of way.
“Come in,” she said, stepping aside. In his hands was a huge, red ceramic bowl, full of salad and the promised chunks of tuna.
“Thanks,” he said. “Kitchen table?”
“Yes,” she said, closing and then locking the door. Even though Tefere David and his soldiers were somewhere out in the woods near Lake Tana, Willow no longer felt as safe as before. Following him in, she liked the way the man moved, his butt a definite plus in her world.
Shep set the bowl down. He looked over at her. “How are you doing?”
“Cleaner,” she admitted, touching her dry tee. “I’m not real well-dressed but right now, I don’t care.” She saw the heat glimmer in his eyes as he grinned.
“You look beautiful just the way you are.” He held out the chair for her to sit down.
“Thanks,” she murmured, sitting. “I don’t feel very beautiful to tell you the truth.”
Shep sat at her left elbow, his own chair scraping the tiles as he pulled it to table. “You’re in shock, and you’re just feeling the letting-down process roll through you right now.” He took the two wooden forks and hefted a good scoop of salad into her bowl. “What you need right now is to eat, hydrate and sleep.”
“And how do you know all this, oh ground pounder?” and she smiled a little, watching him fill his own bowl with salad. He’d also brought along a bottle of balsamic vinaigrette, and she poured some over hers.
“Too much experience behind it,” he muttered, taking the dressing from her. “When you get shot at, mortared, or RPGs are flying your direction? You get the same set of emotional and physical reactions that you’re going through right now. First, there’s terror, then you’re afraid you’re going to die, and then you fight back or run. And whether you’re escaping by vehicle, on foot or by helo, you’re in shock. Everyone goes into shock when threats and trauma hit them, Willow.” He stirred his salad with his fork. “If you’re lucky and you make it out alive? Then you have the let-down phase. First, you feel exhausted because you’re experiencing an adrenaline crash through your system. Then, you get hungry and sleepy at the same time. I always tried to eat first and then sleep afterward. And while that’s going on? Your emotions are up and down like an elevator from elation to terror and back again, almost like a continuous, alternating circuit. You realize you just dodged a bullet that could have taken your life. And yet, you’re still alive, and there’s a miraculous feeling that you are.”
She poked at her salad, “You’ve really nailed it. That’s exactly how I feel: up and down.”
He chewed his salad and swallowed. “And I would imagine you’re feeling shaky and unsafe right now? Because that’s the next level: the realization that there is no safe place anymore.”
“Yes, I’m feeling horribly vulnerable.” She gestured with her fork toward the main door. “I locked that door. Normally? I don’t.”
“You need to lock it every time,” Shep warned her, frowning.
“I honestly didn’t believe Wyatt’s threat assessment about David wanting an American woman to… oh, god… to behead.” and her throat hitched over that last word.
He paused, his heart aching over her visible trauma at the very thought, and then continued to eat. “Artemis has access to the most advanced network of top-secret information in the world. They are on the A-list of every democratic country’s intel web. The type of intel they get is highly prized and yet, very few get it. When I sat in that mission briefing with him and the others, I believed every word he said about David. I knew the sources he was getting it form.” He held her gaze. “Now? I think you believe, too?”
Snorting softly, Willow said, “Yes, I do. Before? I thought Wyatt was over-hyping the situation.”
“Wyatt’s an ex-SEAL. They stick to brutal facts, not drama.”
“I got it, believe me, I got it in spades, Shep.”
Nodding, he continued to eat voraciously.
Willow ate, but not nearly as much as he wolfed down. Once she was full, she pushed the bowl away from her, picking up her glass of iced tea. She studied him from beneath her lashes. He’d gotten a lot of color back into his cheeks, his eyes sharp and alert as always, and then her gaze fell to that mouth of his. Despite the trauma she was experiencing, she felt her lower body turn up to a yearning stage. There was such a powerful, nearly overwhelming urge to make love to this man right now. It shocked her in a different way from the trauma, as the animal need surged wildly through her.
“Lose your appetite?” he asked quietly, holding her gaze.
“Yes, I guess. I’m filled up, but so many crazy feelings are tearing through me, Shep,” and she gave a shrug. “I’ve never gone through this before.”
He reached over, capturing her fingers, squeezing them. “Most people never, in their entire lifetime, have to face a life-and-death situation like this. When you’re flying a combat jet, you’re above the fray. You don’t feel the pressure-wave blasts from the bombs you drop.”
Releasing a ragged breath, she nodded and whispered, “You were right about emotions. As a jet jock, I could handle them just fine. I could tuck them away, focus, and do my job without a hitch. But right now? God, Shep, I’m still shaking inside. I’m feeling things from one minute to another. I get flashbacks of the attack on us. My stomach knots,” and she scowled.
He set his bowl aside and took her hand, forcing her to look at him. “Listen to me, will you? What you need right now is to be held.” His voice deepened. “I can do that for you, Willow. I promise I’ll just hold you. Nothing more.”
She managed a wobbly half smile of a sort, lacing her fingers through his, feeling how roughened his flesh was, the hard-earned callouses of his trade, and how steady he made her feel. Swallowing, she said, “Shep?”
“Yes?”
“What… what if I told you I had this driving urge to have sex with you?” and she searched his gaze. He didn’t look at all fazed. Which surprised the hell out of her. Instead, his fingers curved more protectively around her hand.
“It’s called survivor sex, Angel. And it hits everyone. Having sex reaffirms you’re alive and not dead. It’s a sort of instinctual survival reflex, I guess.”
She frowned and then asked, “Are you feeling it, too?” When his mouth curved faintly, and amusement danced in his eyes, she knew.
“Yes.”
“Is it a good thing? I mean this survivor sex thing. To act on it?”
It was his turn to shrug, remaining somber. “Depends on the people involved. For some, it’s a good thing. For others, it’s okay, but then one partner or both end up regretting it later.”
“And you know this how?”
His brows raised a little. “Been there, done that… with you. Even though you didn’t know it because I wasn’t communicating how I was really feeling internally with you, Willow.”
“…Oh…,” and she searched his expression which mirrored her own regret. “I wish… I wish I’d known, Shep.”
“Why?’
“Because I understand now, it’s a driving force. It’s a need to feel alive, to confirm you’re still breathing. That my dreams and future are still here. Alive, not dead. If I’d have understood your need to have sex with me? I might have been able to contribute or understand what was really happening to you more than I did, that’s all.”
“Willow? I never considered when we went to bed as just having sex. I might have with other women before you, but I never did with you.” He grazed her cheek. “I always loved you. I made love WITH you. You were always sacred to me, as corny as that sounds. I never considered just having sex with you. Okay? And being completely open about it? With you, I could release my emotions. I could be a hundred percent there with you in every way. It was the only time my emotions rose and participated. It was always a good thing, and I was always grateful to you, because that only happen with you, if that makes sense?”
She sat there digesting his sobering admittance. Her heart turned and she felt warmth cascading through her. Just having him grip her hand like this was causing a riot of even more need in her. “Yes… thank you for telling me that. I never went to bed with a man without a strong emotional connection with him. I’d always seen it as loving him. Oh, I know most men see it as sex and it’s a needy act only. Most men don’t put emotions into it. For them, it’s just getting off, is all, no love or care or consideration of the woman involved in the process.”
“Well, that’s true a lot of the time for men, but where you’re concerned? I always saw you as the gorgeous woman you are and felt lucky to worship you with my love and care. What I have always felt for you was far more than what men feel for just a one-night stand. I was always with you, heart and soul.”
“I didn’t know until now how you felt; your emotions being such a part of our lovemaking… it’s so good to know that, Shep.”
“I aim to repair that damage with you, Willow, if you’ll let me,” and he searched her eyes.
She heard the unvarnished emotion behind Shep’s words. Never before had he allowed his feelings into the equation, but ever since this new beginning between them, she’d seen that he was trying to correct all that and reconnect with her more honestly and fully. Closing her fingers around his hand, she wanted to cry but fought back the reaction. He looked so grave, so unsure of himself, and it shook her deeply. Before, he had always been a bulwark that seemed immoveable by human frailties such as emotions. But not now. Not with her.
“When we were running? Trying to save ourselves? I kept telling myself to keep pushing, Shep. And a big reason I wanted to was because I felt we deserved a second chance with one another.” She smoothed her fingertips down the back of his hand in a caressing motion. She saw vulnerability in his expression; the tenderness glistening in his eyes and showing in the way his mouth eased. It gave her the courage to go on. “I never stopped loving you, Shep. I didn’t realize that until you showed up here. I thought my love for you was gone, but I found out quickly that it was in deep hiding, was all.” She managed a crook of one corner of her mouth. “I’m coming clean with you because so many times in our marriage, I pulled my punch. I’m not going to ever do that again. I’m going to be brutally honest and up front with you, and I have no idea how you’ll take it, or me.”
Shep nodded and sighed. “There was so much I wanted to tell you earlier today when we were running for our lives, Angel. My love for you has never gone away, either. You have always been with me.” His hands tightened. “I want the chance to make up for the man I wasn’t with you. I didn’t know how you felt until just now. I thought I knew, hoped I knew. I was going to talk to you about it once things settled down.”
Willow gave him a soft look. “I’m so glad to hear that,” and her voice trembled.
“I’m here for you,” he rasped. “Just tell me what you need, Willow, and I’ll try to give it to you. I promise, I’ll keep talking with you every chance we get to be together. I’m going to flounder around, and sure as hell continue to make a lot of mistakes, but I’m trying…”
She pulled her hand free, pressing her fingertips against her closed eyes for a moment, trying to still the inner joy erupting through her chest. Her lips opened and closed as she struggled to get a hold of her escaping, exploding feelings for Shep. The look in his eyes, that love shining in them as before, was back again, but lidded. It was then that she realized he was hiding it from her, unsure of where she was at with him. That look melted her heart, seared her soul with such yearning for him that she could no longer fight it.
Opening her eyes, she whispered, “I want to love you. I want you to love me. Right now. No questions asked. I just need you, Shep. Will you come to bed with me?” Her voice was low and fraught with unsureness, pain combined with yearning. She saw her husky, emotional words strike Shep. He straightened, anguish and hope burning in his expression. Without a word, he pushed his chair backward, the wood scraping against tile. He walked around to her, sliding his hand lightly and gently against her hunched shoulders.
“Come on,” he urged her, pulling her chair back for her to stand.
Willow didn’t know who got undressed faster: her or Shep. Their clothes dropped to the bedroom floor. They stood naked before one another. The years apart had made him leaner, his muscles honed even more than she remembered from before. The look in his stormy blue eyes was the same: the consummate hunter on the prowl for his mate. And that’s exactly how she had always seen them: as two wolves bound to one another for a lifetime, just as real wolves lived and loved out in the wild. She had never shared that image with Shep. Maybe now, she could? There was so much she wanted to confide in him with and, as he moved toward her, she felt her whole body throb with need for this man.
She released her hair, its thick red strands falling around her pale shoulders. She saw the pleasure in Shep’s eyes as she allowed her hands to drop to her side. Unable to take her gaze from him, she saw how badly he wanted her, his erection thick. The sight enflamed her lower body, the ache for him rising to an almost painful level within her.
He walked over to her, cupping her jaw, tilting her chin slightly so their eyes met. “Are you protected?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“I don’t have condoms on me,” and he gave her a slight shrug. “I honestly never thought that we’d be getting together like this.”
She moved her hand across the proud line of his shoulder. “I didn’t either. We never used condoms before, so no worries.” Her voice was wispy sounding. Shep had that kind of effect upon her.
“Tell me what you want,” he said, moving his thumbs lightly across her flushed cheeks. “What about your injured leg? Is there a position that might be better for you because of it?”
Willow studied his hungry-looking gaze. “I think we’ll just have to find out with my leg as we go along. Right now? I want you. All of you. Any way we want it. Just like before, Shep. Nothing’s changed.” She saw one corner of his mouth hook upward. They’d always had a good relationship in bed. Willow didn’t think it would be any different now.
“Come one,” he urged her thickly, pulling her onto the bed and beside him.
They lay facing one another, and her heart was pounding urgently. Without a word, Willow leaned up against him, the aggressor, sliding herself against the black hair sprinkled across his broad chest. Instantly, he returned her kiss, slipping his arm around her waist, drawing her firmly against his erection. A throbbing ache centered in her, and she moved sinuously against him, hearing him groan. Covering her lips with his own, he took her hungrily, and she opened to him, to his exploration of her. Their breathing changed, growing quickly ragged as she eagerly met his tongue.
All the heartbreak, the lonely nights without Shep, melted beneath his taking of her once again. She could feel him opening up to her, as he had before, that beautiful emotional vulnerability that she wanted from him all the time, not just in their shared bed. Right now, Willow was grateful that she even had this with him. His mouth slid commandingly across hers and she responded in kind, sliding her fingers through his thick, slightly curled hair. His roughened hands roved down her back, cupping her cheeks, lifting one of her legs over his, opening her to him. She gloried in his hunger. It matched her own. Making a soft sound as his fingers curved beneath her exposed thigh resting on his own, moving through the slick fluids at her entrance, she quivered with raw anticipation and let out a moan of utter expectation and need.
The moment his fingers began to slide into her fluids, exploring her folds, she moaned deeper. Breaking her kiss with him, she shifted, and he removed his hand, watching her, reading her. She smiled a little, lifting herself up and over him, pushing his back against the mattress. “I want to do it this way,” she said, her voice low and ragged. She saw him smile a little, that familiar glittering animal-like amusement in his eyes as he curved his hands around her waist, gliding her across his hips. As he settled her wet core over his erection, they both groaned in mutual appreciation of the heated, liquid moment.
Willow tipped her head back, her fingertips grazing his hard abs as she slid her thighs tight against his narrow hips. Oh! He felt so good against her aching entrance! Sliding back and forth, her fluid thickening, preparing for his entrance into her, she closed her eyes, making a humming sound of appreciation. Shep was well-endowed, no question. There had never been anything normal about this man of hers. Good or bad. Her mind dissolved as he brought his hands around her hips, anchoring her deeply against the length of his erection, engaging her swollen knot that throbbed and screamed for release. The smell of him: the lime soap he’d showered with, and that darker, sexual scent of his maleness combined with the euphoric fragrance unique and shared between them, entered her flared nostrils as he slid herself back and forth upon him.
An orgasm ripped through her, her fingers dug convulsively into his chest wall, a ragged cry tearing from her lips as she froze in absolute pleasure. But Shep knew to keep moving her even though she was paralyzed by the rushing, rippling heat blossoming swiftly within her lower body, rippling outward in larger and larger circles of heat. She couldn’t move, the intense pleasure so all-consuming. He knew to keep her sliding against him, keep engaging her hungry body, amping up as the release of her sweet, hot fluids flowed like a thick river down through her channel, coating him, making it an even more delicious sensation as he continued to milk her willing body.
The intensity of the orgasm was so deep that, for stolen seconds, Willow became semi-conscious, encircled in a white-hot universe of wonderful arcs racing swiftly throughout her. Heart ballooning with love for Shep because he wanted her to enjoy those moments fully, her love overwhelmed even her sexual response, drowning her in a brilliant golden light that surrounded her. If she had ever doubted his love for her, it was being expressed right now. Most men did not know how to prolong a woman’s orgasm. But he did. And he hurled her out into sparkling lights, dancing stars, and spiraling galaxies spinning around behind her tightly shut eyes. Willow heard from far away, as if become an astronaut out in actual space, her own cries of satiation and gratification tearing from her earthbound lips. She could feel Shep’s response, his care and love of her, as he made the orgasm last so long that she thought she would faint from the intense, ongoing pleasure it kept providing.
Finally, he stopped moving her upon him. She collapsed upon his long, lean body, head resting on his shoulder, perspiration sliding and mingling between them. Eyes closed, Willow absorbed his scent, his strength, and the tender way he now moved his hand slowly up and down her spine, taming the wildness with his tenderness. Her brow rested against his jaw. She could feel herself responding to every touch, every caress he gave her. He kissed her hair and she nuzzled against him, her hand sliding up across his tense chest, curving around his neck, holding him even closer, if that were possible. For untold moments, she felt herself melting into him, becoming a part of him until she couldn’t define where one of them began or ended with the other.
Slowly, over the minutes, she came out of that cradle of the magnificent universe where she loved to go whenever Shep triggered her orgasm. Somewhere in her fragmented, barely functioning mind, she realized that he had not come, that he’d held back for her sake. Turning her head slightly, she kissed the thick column of his neck. Shep had always, from the beginning, focused on her enjoyment first and foremost. He had the control to wait on his own release, more intent on pleasing her. Nothing had changed. Nothing. The love swirling and roiling through her right now was bright, powerful, hopeful and she nuzzled against him, fully satisfied. And he knew it, his hand stilling on her lower back, simply holding her in his arms, cradling her fully against him as the sacred being she was to him. She could feel him absorbing her on every level. It was times like this, after the initial orgasm and the further climaxes to come, that Willow swore her and Shep shared mental telepathy between them. She could feel his thoughts, feel his emotions and she savored them now like the treasures they had always been to her.
“That,” she whispered, sliding her fingers along his jaw, “was incredible, Shep. We’re so good together… we always were…”
Shep caressed her damp shoulder, moving some of her thick red hair aside, finding the nape of her neck, sliding his fingers across that sensitive area of hers. “We were always good together. Nothing’s changed then or now, Angel.”
Nodding, barely able to think, much less talk, all Willow wanted to do right now was keep this wonderful connection with Shep. And, as if reading her mind, and maybe her heart, he felt so content with that. Never mind that he was probably, just below her with his erection waiting, needing to come just as badly as she had. Willow didn’t want him to suffer, so she forced herself out of the ethers where she floated and languished.
Slowly, she sat up, flattening her palms against his chest, barely opening her eyes, drowning in the turbulent, narrowed blue of his gaze. “Your turn, big guy,” and she smiled, watching his expression turn primal. Sliding easily against him, she leaned forward, allowing the tip of his erection to press hotly against her entrance. His expression changed, became feral and dominant, his hands cupping her cheeks, testing the tip of himself slowly in and out of her gateway, sensing how tight it was. Closing her eyes, she leaned down, whispering against his thinned mouth, knowing he was feeling the incredible heat and pleasure that awaited him, “Take me… take me like you used to…”
Shep groaned as Willow drew him within her, fearless as always. He worried that it had been as a long time for her as it had been for him. No way was he going to hurt her. They’d gone through enough heartache without actual physical pain added on top. And she was tight. So tight that he knew she hadn’t had sex in a damn long time. The male pride part of himself gloried in that discovery. But it made him clamp down on his needs and focus his control as he continued to allow her to slide him in and out of her, a little at a time, slowly introducing himself to her, allowing her body time to respond and unfold more to him. The sensations were overwhelming; heat and lightning all woven together within him. More than anything he kept his hands gripped hard on her hips, guiding her, but not allowing her to plunge down upon him, stopping her from drawing him too sudden and deep within her out of fear of causing her discomfort. Shep controlled her movements with his strength. If she minded, she didn’t say anything. And he knew that Willow, if she didn’t like something, she’d let him know immediately. Relishing the soft, humming sounds coming out of her, he knew she was enjoying meeting him once more, appreciative of his slow reintroduction into her.
His heart flew open as he eased in a little more. He could feel her body stretching, accommodating and sometimes, like now, he’d hold Willow quiet, not allowing her to push down on him like she wanted to. Eyes closed, sweat running down his temples, his hands gripping her full, curved hips, his breathing was becoming ragged. Mouth tightening, he focused on control, not on his own pleasure. He guessed that Willow hadn’t had sex in over a year or more. Shep would never ask her about that, however. He felt that was for her to share with him if she wanted to. He could feel her frustration at being controlled by him and he smiled. Willow wasn’t one to wait too long, the impatient person that she was.
Allowing her to move, she immediately sucked him halfway up into her confines, gripped by her wet, hot corrugated walls. The sensations made him groan and he could feel his balls tightening up against his body, their explosiveness building to a point he knew he wouldn’t be able to control. And Willow felt it within herself, too. Some of his worry ebbed as he felt her body blooming like a flower to him, widening for his thick length, welcoming him deeper within, and he relaxed slightly. And then, she started to move back and forth, with each hip-thrust feeling his rock-hard shaft surging ever that little bit deeper into her, making him growl with satisfaction, with yearning. She was just as assertive as he was in bed, one of the many things Shep loved about Willow. Her fearlessness fed him and, as he loosened his hands more and more from her hips, giving her the freedom she wanted, his whole world exploded.
Just as she seated him as deeply as he could go within her fiery chamber, he felt an intense heat bolting down his spinal column, slamming through him, and the release into her made him groan. His hands gripped her hips harder, holding her against him, paralyzed by his explosive release into her welcoming confines. His mind melted. He heard her cry out, realizing she had just orgasmed once more, her fingertips digging deep into his chest. Helpless, caught and tumbling in the heat swirling through him, Shep couldn’t move. And she couldn’t either. In that delicious moment of culmination, they were fused into oneness, each experiencing a mind-blowing release. It was the most delicious experience that Shep had ever had with Willow. Maybe their three years apart had made their hearts grow fonder for one another. They’d sure as hell made loving her ten times better than before. And the ‘before’ had always been incredibly satisfying even back then. As he lay there beneath her, feeling her quiver, hearing those little cries of exultation tearing out of her, feeling her channel grip him over and over again as she orgasmed, all he could do was smile with gratitude.
His heart flew open as never before as he relaxed her hips from his tight grip. Swirling in heat, deep pleasure throbbing through him, Shep felt a love for Willow transcending even this incredible experience with her. He loved her with his life. He’d nearly given his life for her earlier today and would have willingly died to keep her alive. She was precious to him. Her fearless nature, her in-your-face personality, just heightened the love he held for this warrior woman of his. And Willow was truly his again. Shep knew that she was, in this magical moment, more so than he’d ever felt before, and that realization made joy soar through him, so keen and glorious. Somehow, someway, they would walk the minefields of each other’s pasts and find safe pathways through them together. Somehow…