Chapter 16 Overwhelmed
~ brEN ~
I parceled up a few items from the stable room and tried to make them look like a delivery so I could walk straight into the Officer’s building without sneaking the long way around the back on my sore knee.
Thankfully, I didn’t see anyone in the entrance hall, or on the stairs, and I reached Donavyn’s quarters quickly.
He was about to dress, his skin gleaming under the lantern light, and hair damp, when I stormed into the bedroom, still having to brace so I didn’t limp.
I had a brief impression of his thickly muscled back and scars, his hair still damp before he straightened and turned to face me, surprised, because he heard me curse under my breath.
“Oh, you made it… wait, why is your knee strapped?”
“Why do you think?” I muttered.
He was naked and I wanted nothing more than to throw myself into his chest, to get lost in his body, and ignore everything that had happened.
But I was dirty and weary and I had to pack, because the readiness mandate in my orders meant I could be called to fly in the middle of the night.
Or now. I had to, quite literally, be ready to leave at any moment.
I tossed the package onto the bed and turned to the drawers and started pulling clothes and belts out to be packed.
He’d thoughtfully placed an empty bag on the floor, next to his own. My heart pinched, looking at that. Here I was, consumed with my own pain and frustration, while he was so busy, yet took his time thinking about me.
I sighed and picked the bag up and put it on the bed too. “Thank you,” I muttered. “I’ll get packed and cleaned up and then…”
“Bren, what’s happened?”
He hadn’t dressed as he walked up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. I sighed and leaned back into his chest, covering my face in my hands.
“I’m worried I can’t do this—”
“You can. We’ve talked about this.”
“No, I don’t mean I can’t do it at all—I can’t do it like this,” I insisted, breaking out of his arms to shove folded leathers and shirts and jackets into the bag because I didn’t want to meet his eyes and see that careful concern on his face.
I was sick of being the reason everyone had to worry.
“I’m not like you. I’m not big and intimidating.
I’m not a fucking man! I have to solve problems differently—hell, I’ll have different problems!
But everyone’s trying to mold me into a warrior.
And I swear, I’ll end up dead, or getting someone else hurt. ”
I finished punishing my clothes by punching them into the bag. I needed to get clean so I could sleep.
“You’re just tired. It’s been a rough week—”
“No, Donavyn,” I said, whirling to face him as I started unbuttoning my jacket.
He froze, watching me. “I’m telling you, this won’t work.
If we fly into Fyrehold—anywhere—and everyone expects me to be one of you, we’re in serious trouble.
I couldn’t even slow a man down tonight, let alone get him to the floor so I could run. It was embarrassing.”
He tried to reach for me, but I yanked my shirt off and pulled away, storming towards the bathing room as I unbuttoned my leathers.
“Terra’s telling me to rest and Akhane’s assuring me she’ll help me heal, Voski says I need to be equipped, but no one is listening.
I can’t be the reason this mission fails! ”
“You won’t be.” He followed me into the bathing room. A part of my heart squeezed and softened, loving that he stayed close. It was so hard being away from him all day, every day. I was glad that when we flew, we’d fly together. But I also knew I was the weak link in this chain.
I had to do this!
Turning on the water, I hurriedly unraveled that strap on my knee, then shoved off the rest of my clothes and stepped into the bath, even though the water wasn’t quite warm.
Donavyn’s brows drew down, but I ignored him. He always looked like that when he was worried. Bracing against the tepid water, I plunged my head under, then scrubbed myself down with the soap, still talking while he watched, his eyes dark.
“All these tools Voski says they’re giving me, they’ll work for you. But I can’t flirt with a servant girl for information.”
“You might be surprised.”
I snorted. “You know what I mean. Even ambushing a guard—which we practiced tonight—would have to be different for me. I can’t overpower a man. I have to approach it differently.”
“So, approach it differently.”
I shot him a look over my shoulder as I washed my body, then dove under the slowly-warming stream to wash my hair. “Other people’s lives will be in my hands. If I’m the weak link, I’ll get them killed!”
“Bren,” he said softly.
But I plowed on, rinsing my hair. “Getting a man drunk to lower his defenses brings up an entirely different set of risks for a woman like me. And besides, I’ll be dealing with nobles, right?
Most of them have guards. I probably won’t even be able to get one of them alone. God, this whole thing is just a mess.”
“It’s not a mess. It feels that way because you haven’t done this before, so you don’t know what to expect.”
“But that’s the thing,” I insisted. “You don’t know what to expect for me, either. You’re all training me based on what’s been useful before. But no woman has done this before!”
I finished rinsing my hair and turned the water off, surprised to find Donavyn standing next to the bath with a towel in his hands. When I stepped out, he wrapped me in it, then started rubbing my pebbled skin without a word.
It was humbling, watching that huge, strong form, squat and bend, and rub my body with the thick towel. When he got to my torso, he slowed and gentled, rubbing the towel more tenderly on my skin, frowning.
“You have a lot of bruises.”
“I’ve always bruised easily. It shows up on my light skin.”
His frown deepened when he reached the sore rib and I flinched. “We need to have Terra look at that.”
“She already did,” I sighed, pulling him up to his feet and taking the towel from him. “Thank you,” I said quickly, humbly. “Thank you for listening to me. I’m just frustrated. I’m not giving up. I’m scared.”
“You’re doubting yourself.”
I nodded. “Don’t you? Don’t you have moments where you question if you’ll fail?”
“Of course! We all do.”
“Well, then,” I said with a shrug.
“But Bren.” He grabbed my wrist as I was about to walk past him, turning me around to face him and staring down at me intently. “The difference is that you seem to assume you’ll fail. And look where you are. Look at what you’ve achieved. You didn’t get here by accident.”
“I know,” I said with a shrug. “But I did need a lot of help.”
“We all do.”
“Not the same,” I said firmly. “Anyway, this is different. I am a Furyknight now. I know I can fly patrols, and be part of an attack or defense maneuver. I know I can fly in formation and Akhane can keep up. That’s what I’ve been preparing for.
Training for. But now… now it’s not just that.
Now, it’s people. I have to figure out how to be useful without my dragon, without the speed and strength of my brothers.
I fear they’re preparing me for the wrong task.
I’m afraid we’ll land in another kingdom, and I’ll be the reason it fails because I won’t know what the fuck I’m doing. ”
“You were chosen for this—not just by Akhane, but by the king and queen themselves. They see you as someone with the capacity for this kind of work, and who’s uniquely equipped.
The very fact that you aren’t accustomed to the noble court is why they want you there, Bren.
I wanted to fight it. I didn’t want to throw you to the wolves like that.
But I couldn’t argue with their logic. You’ve got that indefinable quality that means you’ll survive.
You think on your feet. You’re not afraid to try something new.
You see a problem differently than I do. It’s why you’ll succeed.”
“One wrong word,” I breathed. “One wrong move and the wrong person gets an inkling that I’m not what I say I am and suddenly we’re all in danger.”
“That’s true of all of us,” Donavyn growled. “If you ask me, what you’ve achieved in the past few months was a far greater stretch.”
“I hope so.”
“I know so.”
I sighed again. “I really hope so,” I repeated, staring up at him.
“But when I was fighting to become a Furyknight, I felt like I knew what I was fighting for. I knew I could fly. I knew Akhane Chose me. This feels distant. Like turning my head away from the path to safety. I can’t shake it, Donavyn. Something’s missing!”
He cupped my face and stepped right up, looming over me. “You’re going on this mission to be who you are. To help others. To find information—and yes, you’ll do that in ways different than a man. But don’t give up—”
“I’m not. I’m asking you to listen where others won’t. I need something else. Something we haven’t figured out yet. Because, let’s face facts: If I get this wrong, I don’t just fail you, I fail us. I fail an entire Kingdom.”
A low rumble of disapproval started in his chest. He took my chin in his hand and leaned down, making me keep holding his gaze. “You haven’t failed me—or yourself. And you won’t. None of us do everything right. None of us are always good. We all fail at times. But we get through it. We learn, and—”
“And people die,” I said grimly. “You can’t deny that. You might die. You keep saying we’re going together. If you’re relying on me—”
“There’s no one I would trust myself with more than you, Bren. You’re my mate. I feel you.” He dropped his hand to my chest and my heart surged the moment he touched me. “Do you feel me? Do you feel how I’d never put you in harm’s way? That I believe in you?”
“Yes. I just fear we’re all being a little too simple. There’s many of our ranks you should trust before me in this.”
“No one,” he insisted. Then his expression grew thoughtful. “Except maybe Kgosi. Pompous bastard is right all the time. It’s very annoying.”
I couldn’t help laughing. Donavyn smiled down at me and pulled me up against his body, our damp skins heated and sticking.
“There’s no better sight at the end of the day than your smile,” he murmured and dropped his chin to kiss the side of my neck.
I sucked in and let my head drop back, closing my eyes and making myself focus on the sensation of his lips.
But as I let my hands trail down his back and my mind began to move to an entirely different problem—how to get him out of the bathing room and into bed—he spoke against my skin, his breath fluttering and his chest vibrating against mine.
“You are very strong, my Love,” he rumbled. “Kgosi—who, you will remember, is always right—told me once that you are not weak, you are differently strong. I think it’s time for you to start looking at yourself that way.”
When he lifted his head, I held his gaze and gave in to the heated smile that pulled at my lips. “Differently strong?”
“Yes. Your strength complements mine, according to my dragon. Together we are stronger than either of us apart.”
He was so earnest, and his gaze so intense, my belly fluttered. I reached up to cup his jaw, which he’d shaved so it felt soft like butter.
“I know I’m stronger with you close,” I whispered. “I just hope that some day I can return the favor. Because I fear on this mission, I’ll be yet another weight on your back.”
“I’m very strong,” he said, with a wink.
I spluttered. “I know. But you shouldn’t have to shoulder the entire burden, if we’re working together—”
“I have very broad shoulders.”
“Very broad,” I agreed, grinning. “I’m glad I get to enjoy them.”
I let both my hands knead the thick muscles at the base of his neck. His eyes hooded and he slid his hands into my hair, his fingers scraping on my scalp, which sent delicious shivers down my back.
I sighed happily when he lowered his head again, to kiss the sensitive skin under my jaw this time.
“My shoulders can carry a lot, Bren.”
“I know, but—”
He shushed me and began kissing his way down my neck, his hands trailing down my body as he gripped me to him, walking me backwards out of the bathing room.
“I think I should show you just how strong they are,” he croaked, then kissed me before I could respond.