Chapter 6
The Village
Some decisions are made in haste when life is running against you, like a backwind. You will do anything to free yourself of circumstances, even if they might damn you in the end. But the darkness could never be truly damning.
“You should have figured it out,” a whisper surfaces near my ear.
I roll over and my head brushes a hand reaching for my cheek. Lazily, I open my eyes and find Sawyer sitting on the edge of my bed, eyes worn with what, I do not know.
“What – why are you here? You came back,” I say, propping myself on my shoulders. He’s here. In my room. In my house. I pray Ma doesn’t wake with her room right below mine.
“Be quiet,” he chuckles. “I know this is crossing some boundary, but I had to see you,” Sawyer breathes.
He must have just gotten back from his trip because a faint sheen of sweat catches the moonlight.
I sit up fully and run my hands through my hair, pulling it to the side.
A breeze reaches into the room alerting my senses to the sweat drenched nightgown pressed to my chest.
“Ma’s asleep downstairs,” I whisper, craning my neck to make sure no candles are on below. Ma sleeps on the sofa in the living room.
Sawyer scoots closer and the moonlight illuminates the side of his face. His eyes search mine for something and I feel odd under his gaze.
“You’re beautiful,” he murmurs, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear. I blush and look away.
“I’ve lost most of my beauty,” I manage to say, noticing how loose my gown is on my body, “but thank you.”
“That’s not true. You’ve been…” He pauses to take me in again. “You’ve been magnificent your whole life.”
“You haven’t known me long enough.” I arch my eyebrow.
“It feels like a lifetime,” Sawyer responds. “When I first saw you –” he clears his throat – “on my porch, I mean, you caught my eye.”
“What did you come here to say?” I try to steer our conversation.
Sawyer ignores my question again and re-tucks my hair and traces his fingers lightly across my jaw, as if examining me.
“Sawyer, just say it,” I urge. Whatever he has to say, he can’t find the words to do it. “You’ve wakened me for some reason.”
“You must hear me out. Completely, Liv. I don’t have much time.” His brow furrows and he glances over his shoulder again. I, too, look at the hole in the floor, worried Ma might hear.
He takes my hands, pressing his lips into a thin line and breathing a heavy sigh. “There is so much I want to say, have always wanted to say to you.” I squeeze his fingers in return, urging him to continue.
“You should have figured out how much I care for you. Hasn’t it been obvious?
No, don’t answer that. I don’t think you have noticed.
It drives me insane when I think of how there is nothing, truly nothing I would not do for you.
No ask too much, no request too difficult, as long as it ensures your happiness,” he admits, locking eyes with mine.
“Where did this come from?”
“It has always been here.” He places his hand on his chest and scoots close on the bed. Sawyer is being honest for once. I am unsure how to respond, how to feel. His words echo in my mind.
“I just feel for you, Liv, in so many ways,” Sawyer breathes, meeting my eyes for some level of acceptance. I look away, leaving my hands with his.
“Is that the truth?” I ask timidly.
“Do you want it to be?”
“That’s not much of an answer. You feel for me?”
“More than I’d care to admit, Liv.”
My heart sinks deep into my core. I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything like this other than when I read the words on the pages of my book. The thought of two lovers crosses my mind. It could be like that, Sawyer and me. We could have that. My heart skips a beat at the thought.
“How long…” I pause, careful. “How long have you felt like this?”
“Since the day we met,” he admits, his voice coarse. Our eye contact ceases and I pull a hand away to draw small circles on his thigh. He turns to face me, leaning forward and head hanging. “This is hard, Liv. Being here is hard.”
His words aren’t making sense and I try to meet his eyes. I can feel his thudding pulse under his hand that I realized I captured during the rambling. “I just – I just wanted you to know.”
“Sawyer,” I start, but he stands up quickly, turning from me as if he cannot stand my anticipated reply. His tallness barely allows for it under the low roof.
“It won’t change anything,” he exhales. “I know what you’re going to say.”
I stand to meet him. “Well, I don’t know what to say.
” I gesture with my hands even though he is not looking.
“Here, the farm, it’s not the most stable place and I’m not sure what my future holds.
Do you think we’re meant for just the village, the farm?
A relationship changes things.” I lose my train of thought at the idea of us seriously together.
“But…” I stand up and reach for him. “But, I know your words are not spoken lightly. I just do not know what to say right now. I wouldn’t say it’s a bad thing, because I know and have always known, in some way, that you’re mine,” I finish, catching my breath.
He hasn’t turned to me yet and I shyly dip my head, embarrassed.
“Liv.”
“Sawyer.”
He turns to look at me with glazed eyes. “You need more time and I feel like we don’t have enough of it.”
“All we have is time, Sawyer. We know each other, have known each other. Making things official…”
“Changes everything, yes I understand.” He scratches his jaw. “Forget this.”
He turns to leave but I grab for his wrist and squeeze. “There is no rush. I’m not going anywhere any time soon, are you?”
He releases a soft laugh and shakes his head. “Not if I can help it. I’ll wait for you, if you want,” he whispers, eyes silver-lined and my heart flutters.
“In what way?”
“Any way that matters. I want this. Now, in two months, even a year, no – a millennia,” he breathes. The pale admission causes me to stop breathing momentarily, a stunning moment. He again grabs my hands and looks wilfully into my eyes. The soft lines near his cornflower eyes crinkle in hope.
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Okay,” I say again, looking into his eyes to let him see my own admission. The blue in them seems to become vibrant. Those softened crinkles near his eyes become harsh lines as he scoops me up and plants desperate kisses along the front of my neck.
He will wait.
Something within me feels like a vice, a lock on giving in to this fully. I have to figure that out before I fall.