Chapter 14
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Something had changed the man Mei Lin had married.
When she’d first fallen into Ethan’s arms in Changsha, he’d felt like her husband. He’d acted like her husband. But somewhere between when they’d left Zhangjiajie and when he’d returned the night before with the suit now hanging in the second bedroom, he’d turned into a stranger.
Or maybe she’d never really known him at all.
She filled the electric kettle and set it on its base in the little kitchenette area of their hotel suite.
Outside the window, the morning was gray with mist that hovered over the Qing River below and obscured the mountains in the distance.
In the village of her childhood, Mei Lin’s mother would sweep the courtyard every morning, often before the mist burned away.
The smell of wood smoke would permeate the house while her father read the paper at the kitchen table.
This suite smelled like nothing at all.
Mei Lin had given up her battle with the nightmares at dawn.
After showering until the water cooled, she’d dressed in clean leggings and a knit tunic that Ethan had bought her, and then she’d sat on the sofa and stared at the closed door between the living area and the room where her husband had slept.
The night before, he’d come home with the suit, turned on the TV, and eaten dinner while watching sports. He hadn’t been rude, just distant and distracted.
She’d told herself he was tired, that he needed to unplug for a little while.
She understood that. Wanting to be near him but not to disturb him, she’d curled up on the couch, listening to the murmur of American voices on the television, men arguing about American football.
She must’ve fallen asleep because she remembered Ethan crouching beside her and saying, very gently, “Go on to bed, sweetheart. I’ll be in soon. ”
She’d stumbled into the empty room and crawled beneath the sheets, alone.
When she’d woken in the dark a few hours later and reached for him, his side of the bed had been smooth and cold.
Thinking he’d fallen asleep watching TV, she’d looked into the living room, but it had been dark, the TV off, the sofa empty.
Fear had crawled up her spine. Had he left? Or had something happened to him?
A quick peek into the second bedroom told her what had really happened. He’d chosen not to sleep with her. When she’d returned to her bedroom, she’d discovered that he’d crept in, taken the things he’d need to shower and dress the next morning, and crept back out.
The kettle ticked as it heated, steam beginning to seep from the spout.
Lord, what is happening?
She didn’t hear an answer, but God was with her. “The Lord sees you,” āyí had whispered for years. “The Lord knows you. The Lord loves you.”
Mei Lin pulled two mugs from the cabinet, hoping Ethan would emerge soon—and that he’d again be the man she’d married.
Six years ago, she’d never known her husband to watch television.
If they were together, they were talking, and holding hands or nestled against each other.
On their honeymoon, he’d stood at the window of their suite in this very city and pointed at various sights and asked her to name every one of them in Mandarin so he could say the words back to her.
He always got them wrong, on purpose, she thought, to make her laugh.
Last night he’d barely looked at her.
It was this trip to Fuyin. He was worried. Maybe that was all it was, but why not sleep beside her? Had he gotten so accustomed to sleeping alone that he preferred it now?
Or…or had he not been sleeping alone for the past six years?
The kettle clicked off.
She poured steaming water over tea bags, forcing her mind to shift.
She was thankful she wasn’t in prison. Soon, God willing, she’d have the evidence she’d collected, and she’d turn the files over to someone who could bring Lu Feng to justice.
Soon, she hoped, she’d have a visa and would be able to go to America with Ethan.
Unless Ethan didn’t want her anymore, then…
What? What would her life be?
She had wondered more than once in the last few days what his years alone in the States had looked like. She’d felt worries like tiny threads wrapping around her heart.
Last night, lying alone in the cold bed, she’d pulled a few of those threads.
Had Ethan moved on without her? Six years was a long time. Had he met someone? Had he fallen in love with another woman?
Behind her, the door of the second bedroom opened, but she didn’t turn to greet him. She wasn’t ready to face his anger, or his apathy.
She heard him cross the small sitting room, then felt him right behind her.
His hand slid over her shoulder. “Good morning.”
She fought the urge to lean back against his solid chest and instead stepped away. “Did you sleep well?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Your tea is ready.” She crossed to the windows and sat in the chair where he’d sat the night before. A chair for one.
Staring at the floor, she told herself to hold it together.
She would be the woman Ethan had married, not the pathetic shell of herself that prison had created.
She would ask her questions in a steady voice and accept whatever answers came.
She was strong. With God’s help, she would survive, no matter what he said.
She finally gained the courage to look up at him.
He remained where she’d left him, tea untouched, hands in his pockets, sadness written on his face.
He wore the suit pants and a crisp white button-down, open at the collar.
His hair was damp and combed, and he’d shaved.
He looked like the husband she’d fallen in love with, so handsome and strong and kind.
Her eyes filled, and she tried to blink the tears back. She lowered her face and swiped the moisture away.
She heard the gentle swish of his slacks.
“Mei Lin.”
He crouched right in front of her, his eyes rimmed in red. He gently took one of her hands. “I’m so sorry.” His voice was rough. “I was a jerk last night.”
“You were.”
“I’m sorry. I just… It’s a lot, and I’m scared. I just want you to be safe, and—”
“So you couldn’t sleep beside me? Because you’re scared? If something happens to me today, will you be sorry tomorrow—?”
“Don’t do that.” He reared back, dropping her hand, horror in his eyes. “I can’t think about… You don’t understand.”
“Then explain it to me.”
He shifted to his knees and pushed up on them. He was so tall that, though she sat in a chair and he knelt on the floor, they were at eye level. “I love you. Whatever I’m doing, however I’m acting, I need you to know that. I love you, Mei Lin. I have loved you every day.”
A lump settled in her throat and strangled her words.
He took her hand again, spinning the loose rings on her finger with his thumb.
“I just got you back, and I keep thinking… I can’t stop thinking about how I might not have.
” He swallowed. “I grieved you. And then you called me, and I thought it was a hoax, someone trying to swindle me, and I didn’t even care.
I was willing to send the money and drop everything and get on a plane, all for that hope that it might really be you. ”
She hadn’t considered that. He’d thought she was dead, yet he’d come anyway.
He held her hand against his chest. “I can’t believe how blessed we are to have this second chance.
And…I’m sorry, but… The fact that you’re willing to walk back into that hospital, that you would put yourself at risk again, put us at risk again, it terrifies me.
And also, it feels like you don’t appreciate what we have.
That you don’t appreciate what you’re risking. ”
“I know. Of course I know.” Her tears came again.
“I never wanted…” Her throat clogged, and she pressed her fingers to her lips.
“If I could go back and not see what I saw.” Her voice was high and squeaky, but she needed him to understand.
“If I could not know what I knew, not learn what I learned… I spent six years regretting everything, even if I had been trying to do the right thing. All I wanted was to go back and close my eyes and pretend. If I could give those years back to you, I would. I would give anything to have that time back.”
“I know.”
“Ethan, I am so sorry.”
He pulled her against his chest, and she settled there, gripping his too-starched shirt, wondering if she’d ruined her marriage, the best gift God had ever given her.
“Don’t apologize for doing the right thing.” His voice rumbled in his chest. “You wouldn’t be the woman I fell in love with if you hadn’t followed up with those women. I know that, and I love that about you. It doesn’t change how I feel.”
“I tried to do the right thing, and I thought…” She backed away to face him. “I thought I’d get away with it. I was certain the Lord would protect me.”
But He hadn’t.
Or…she supposed God had protected her—she was still alive, after all, and out of prison—but that certainly wasn’t what she’d expected.
“The last thing I want is to go back to the hospital.” She searched Ethan’s eyes but couldn’t read his emotions. “I have to do this. It’s the only way we’ll ever be able to have the life we dreamed of. Otherwise, Lu Feng will always be looking for me.”
Ethan angled back so he could see her. “I know what’s at stake. I get it. But yesterday, it felt easier to be angry with you than to think about what might happen today.” He released a breath. “It’s not rational. It’s only that…” He closed his eyes. “I can’t bear the thought of losing you again.”
Before she could think of a response, he skimmed the tender skin just below her jaw with his lips.
It was the lightest of kisses, barely a brush, but it lit a fire that heated her to her toes. She leaned in, hungry for more.
But he backed away, then stood. “Time for breakfast.” His words were too loud, too enthusiastic for the small space, and too casual for the mood he’d just created. He held out his hand to her. “Upsie-daisy.”
“What is…upsie?”