Aubrielle Chapter 4
Aubrielle:
I was clearheaded today and determined that Shadow and I would have the conversation he promised we’d have last night.
Last night, I totally spaced on it until after he left me at my apartment.
By then, it was too late to call and demand that he return.
Plus, I was exhausted, so I promised myself we’d do it tonight after I finished dancing.
The roar of approval, whistles, and clapping was deafening as I picked up my money before exiting the stage. As was the new routine, Shadow stood in the dark wings of the stage while I danced, and then he’d bring me a robe to cover myself with as soon as I was done.
He’d been on time to pick me up at my place earlier. As he escorted me to my car, I reminded him he owed me an explanation. He said he hadn’t forgotten and swore we’d talk after I was finished for the night.
I raced through removing my makeup and changing into my street clothes. I didn’t bother to hang around to talk to anyone. I was a bundle of nerves as I drove to my apartment. The single headlight lit up the inside of my car. My guardian was following me.
As I parked, I noticed that many of the other apartments were dark.
Either their renters were asleep or still out for the night.
It was midnight, so either was possible.
By now, I knew to wait until Shadow came and opened my door.
If I didn’t, he would scowl and lecture me.
This time, after he did his usual walk-through to ensure no one was lurking in my apartment, he came back and gestured for me to enter.
It felt odd to have him stay. Other than the walkthroughs, Shadow hadn’t been inside my place.
He was careful to shut and lock the door.
I didn’t know what to say or where to start.
“Do whatever you need to do to be comfortable. I’ll wait,” Shadow said gruffly.
Taking the reprieve, I replied, “Thanks, I won’t be long. Make yourself comfortable. If you like soda or water, I have some in the fridge. Sorry, I don’t have any beer. I don’t drink.”
“I’m good, but can I get something for you?”
I thought for a moment, then accepted. “Yeah, would you grab me a Coke? A bottle is fine. I’ll be back,” I repeated before I rushed into my bedroom.
My place was tiny. Other than a kitchen-living room combo, there was a small bedroom and a bathroom. I was lucky to have a laundry closet with a washer and dryer—nothing I detested more than going to the laundromat to wash clothes.
In my room, I grabbed a pair of yoga pants and a tank top. Then, I slipped into the bathroom in the hallway. I saw Shadow sitting in my favorite chair. I hurried to wash my face, brush my teeth, and then brush out my hair. Why I went to all that effort, I didn’t know.
Once I was refreshed and took several calming breaths, I looked in the mirror as I whispered to myself, “You’ve got this. There’s nothing he can say or do that’ll destroy you. You’re a survivor.”
I hoped my stride conveyed confidence and ease as I walked the short distance to the loveseat and sat.
The bottle of Coke was on my scarred, wooden coffee table.
To occupy my hands and mouth, I picked it up to find he had broken the seal for me.
I gratefully took a few big sips before replacing the cap.
“Okay, I’m ready. You said you needed to talk to me about being my pretend boyfriend/bodyguard and why you don’t want to be pulled off this job.” I got straight to the point.
Shadow scooted to sit on the edge of the chair. His hands were clasped together. He stared at me intently. His gaze made me want to squirm, but I resisted.
“I want you to let me get everything out before you ask any questions. Will you do that?” Shadow asked.
“Yeah, I’ll do that.”
“Good. You told me last night that you think I’m doing this because of my loyalty to my club.
While I am loyal, that has nothing to do with why I volunteered to do this with you.
You said you knew I didn’t want this assignment and that you knew we weren't friends. The fact that we’ve had barely any contact over these past couple of years is your supposed proof. You said I don’t like you.
“Then, you hit me with your plan to speak to Reaper about assigning one of my club brothers to take over the task since you think it’s unfair to make me do it. I denied all that, asking you to allow me to explain. Did I overlook anything?” he asked.
“No, that’s accurate,” I replied.
“Let me start by telling you that I don’t dislike you.
I don’t resent watching over you. I will admit I backed away from you after those initial few weeks when we first met.
Your tone last night told me that it hurt you.
I’m sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am.
You were so sweet and open, offering friendship to the entire club and me.
You’ve become a friend of the club. My only defense is that I don’t want to be your friend, Aubrielle. ”
As those words hit me, it was like a physical blow. My breath caught, and my body went rigid. I stumbled to my feet.
“Then why won’t you let me ask Reaper to get someone else? Surely your pride won’t be hurt if your brothers know you don’t want to be friends with me or do this job. You’re not making sense.”
“You said you’d let me finish first. Sit. There’s more.”
The authority in his voice made me want to cower, but I refused to. I wasn’t that person anymore. I held his gaze as I slowly sank onto the loveseat. I knew my chin was tilted up in defiance, even as I complied.
“I told myself to stay the hell away from you. That you were too sweet and innocent for a man like me. It was better for you if I kept my distance, so I did. Every day since has been fucking agony. I’m hanging on by a thread, Aubrielle.
I’m dying, and I can’t keep it up. I don’t want to remain apart like that.
“In fact, I want to have us be as close as humanly possible. Tell me I haven’t killed your offer of friendship.
I’ll take it. But if there’s even a tiny chance that you could feel more than that for me, tell me that.
I’ll do whatever it takes to make that friendship grow into something more.
I’m done fighting how I feel about you. The truth is, I’ve wanted more than friendship from you from day one.
Was there ever a time you wanted that? Or see yourself wanting it someday? ”
When Shadow stopped speaking, I sat there saying nothing.
I was stunned into speechlessness. I was sure that I had misheard him.
He stared expectantly at me. The words, whether real or not, tumbled around in my brain.
The thought that he meant he liked me more than as a friend, and wanted to see if we could develop the associated emotions into deeper ones, had me wanting to launch myself at him.
I’d spent so many hours fantasizing about what it would be like to kiss him, have him touch my body, and me do the same to him. I ached to explore and discover what he looked like underneath his clothing. Everything about him drew me deeper.
“For God’s sake, Aubrielle, say something. If you don’t see us being friends, let alone more, then tell me. Though, based on your silence, I guess I have my answer. Don’t stress it. If I make you uncomfortable, then it’s probably better to get one of the others to watch over you.”
Shadow stood. His expression was locked down. Alarm raced through me. I scrambled to my feet and rushed over to stand before him, as if I had any hope of stopping him if he chose to leave.
“Wait, don’t go. I never said…you need to give me…my head is whirling,” I ended up sputtering out. I knew I wasn’t making sense.
“Being here alone with you is harder than I imagined. I need to go. We can finish this discussion another time…or not,” he muttered.
When Shadow attempted to go around me, I did what I knew would make him stop and listen.
I plastered my palms on his hard, chiseled chest. I pushed up on my tiptoes and then hooked my hands behind his neck.
He leaned downward in response. Shadow’s hands came to rest on my waist. Knowing that, as a conversationalist, I was terrible at it, I threw away all the caution I felt.
I tugged, causing Shadow to lower his head more. I captured his mouth with mine.
The feel of his warm, firm lips made me move my mouth.
That movement made his lips get with the program.
Suddenly, I was plastered against him. His arms were almost crushing me to his body.
Hard presses, tiny licks, sucks on bottom lips and tongues, the thrusting and wrestling of our tongues, and the nibbling of our teeth made my body heat up.
I was burning alive, and all I wanted was to remove my clothes.
Shadow’s hands tried to push me away. I whimpered in protest as I wrapped my arms further around his neck.
Then, I was picked off the ground, and we moved.
It didn’t last long. When I was placed on the loveseat, I was pressed onto it on my back.
Shadow hovered over me, panting. His face was flushed, but he maintained a distance between us.
“We need to calm down and talk. I don’t want to do something that’ll have you angry or regretful tomorrow, Aubrielle. If that happened, I don’t know what I’d do.” His voice was guttural.
“And if you don’t keep kissing me, I’ll be angry tomorrow,” I countered.
He grimaced, then chuckled.
“You sure know how to turn a man’s head and make him forget every good intention he’s ever had. I hope after that kiss, you know that I’m far from disliking you and that I want more than friendship. Please, I need to hear words,” Shadow stated hoarsely.
It took a couple of moments for the fog that had taken over my brain to clear enough to admit I’d heard him correctly and understood what he was asking.
My heart thudded, and it was from more than the power of that kiss.
It was fear. What if I opened myself up and then he hurt me?
What if he turned into another painful lesson?
On the flip side, my brain argued, What if he doesn’t?
What if he turns out to be the first truly good thing to happen in my life?
Was fear of betrayal and loss going to ruin everything for me before I allowed it even to manifest?
Shadow’s face was tight, and I saw the worry there. He thought I was trying to let him down easy. That knowledge made me brave again. I kept learning how to be that, but it was hard.
“Shadow, I was hurt when you seemed to befriend me, then you backed away. You barely acknowledged me whenever we met up. But despite that, I still wanted to be near you. I let my secret wants continue to believe in what-if. I’m crazily attracted to you, and I can’t seem to help it.”
As soon as the last sentence left my mouth, a huge sigh left him. His head bent to mine, but our lips didn’t meet. He stared into my eyes.
“You don’t know what you just did to me. Christ, these past couple of years have been torture. I had to sit back and watch you having fun not only with the old ladies and the kids, but also with my club brothers, joking and laughing. I lived in fear every goddamn day.”
“Fear of what?” I asked.
“That one of them would come to be more than a friend to you. Or that some other man would. You have no idea the nights I couldn’t sleep or the number of solo rides I took.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
I rubbed my thumb along his sharp jawline. Shadow captured my hand, brought it to his mouth, and kissed my palm before he placed it against his heart.
“Because I knew that you were too sweet, innocent, and loving to be with a man like me. I hated the idea that I’d ruin that and bring danger and ugliness into your life, even if it were never intentional.
My club runs into tough situations from time to time, even though it's not an outlaw MC. You’re a damn angel, and I feel like the devil. ”
He had no idea how wrong he was. I had to tell him. I never wanted him or the club to know, but this wasn’t something I could hide forever if we were in a relationship. Wait. What kind of relationship did he want?
“What exact kind of relationship, or friendship, do you want with me? Dating? A friend-with-benefits? A fling?”
I watched his face darken and his brow furrow. I swallowed hard, but stayed quiet.
“I don’t want a fling, a fuck buddy, or a friend-with-benefits situation.
I can have those with plenty of women who come to the clubhouse to party with us, or pick them up at the bar, or hell, at the strip club.
As for dating, we can start that way, if you want.
But ultimately, I want us to reach the final stage. I want you as my old lady, Aubrielle.”