Chapter 1
I t had been nearly three years, but I remembered the ceremony like it was yesterday. The lightweight, milky white, near transparent fabric uselessly draped over my body in the dead of winter. Atop my head, a heavy diadem, adorned with silver and jewels. The murmurs of awe. The way my people looked at me with absolute reverence, brought into this world for the sole purpose of sparing them from their imminent damnation. At least, they believed it to be true. I had my doubts. For someone who was a Saintess, I’d never heard the voice of God, nor did I know what it was he wanted from me.
Countless times, they had explained it to me, but I hadn’t understood it then, and I still didn’t understand it as things stood now. My purpose. What I needed to do to save them. Save us .
As I’d approached the dais that night, I’d turned my attention to my friend, my Keeper, Kallistra. The warmth I’d hoped to find there in her face was completely absent, replaced with nothing other than unfettered resolve. A firm, faraway gaze. The ceremony had cemented it—her will to fulfill her duty and bring honor to her family at any cost. The same way her ancestors had done before her. That night marked a turning point in our relationship. Responsibility took precedence over friendship.
That night before the first day of our pilgrimage, I stood dressed like a prized heirloom, shivering under the frigid wind that lashed at my exposed skin, while the priestess read off my expectations. It was then that I realized, for the first time, that I was truly alone. That I was no Saintess. A Saintess was to be worshiped, not commanded. My people had raised me as though they idolized me, but I was ultimately their tool.
I attributed the unpleasant memory to the present onslaught of biting frost nipping at my flesh. It reminded me of home, deep in the Northern Expanse, where thick blankets of white always coated the ground regardless of the season. I should have been used to winter’s cruelty, but no—she was ever-changing, ever-wicked. Being in a foreign land made it all the worse.
A shiver crept up my spine, sending a chill across my arms and legs. The flames from the campfire licked at my exposed skin, providing fleeting relief, before another gust of wind chased the warmth away. Kallistra and I had been traveling south toward Fernfallow for weeks now, but the weather was still merciless at night. It was impossible to find comfort. Not with our bones this weary and our stomachs this famished.
Tonight’s dinner was a handful of scavenged berries and mushrooms, and a singular fish the size of a fist to share. My mouth watered at the scent of the sizzling flesh. I would eat it slowly, ignoring my urges to devour it in one bite, and savor every last morsel. At least then, I could pretend it was much larger than it truly was. I could lean back against the firm ground and let out a sigh of satisfaction. It would be enough. It had to be.
“We should be nearing the town,” Kallistra spoke, turning the stick that held our main course. “After we arrive, we can stay at an inn for a night or two and have a proper meal.”
I bit my lip. “We have hardly any coin left to spare for such a luxury.”
God knew we needed it. Kallistra’s light brown skin was clinging to her bones. At one point, she’d had a well-muscled body, but we had experienced too many nights like tonight, barely consuming enough to sustain ourselves. Her body was suffering the consequences of undernourishment. Guilt twisted in my chest every time I looked at her and saw the dark circles under her honey brown eyes. Our pilgrimage was killing her, and she would sooner let it than see me starve.
Our people had scrounged up all the coin they had, but it hadn’t been much, and our pilgrimage was taking far longer than they’d intended. We were never supposed to run out of supplies. Something was off. I was failing, and I did not know how to do better.
“That is not something you need to worry about.” Kallistra narrowed her eyes, a bite to her words. “I am here to protect you, and your purpose is to grow stronger and regain what you have lost,” Kallistra assured.
“I’m sorry. I know.” I lowered my head, the way I always did when she spoke to me that way, like a mother scolding a child. “But I want to contribute. It’s been two years on the road that you’ve been caring for me, and I have done hardly anything to assist you.”
“It is my duty.”
I frowned, a tightness forming in my chest. I had known it, that I was a ‘duty’ to her, yet the words stung like a fresh wound all the same.
“That’s not what I meant, Nairu…” Kallistra sighed, refocusing on the cooking fish. “You are my friend, beyond duty.”
“Then let us forget duty, if only for a short time.” I stood from my spot on the cold ground. “When we get to town, let’s take a job and earn back some gold. We can afford to lose some time in exchange for a bit of comfort, can we not?”
Kallistra pulled the fish from the fire and tore it in two, passing the larger piece to me. “They are questioning what is taking so long.”
It wasn’t a threat. Kallistra had said it calmly, but it still filled me with a feeling of dread, and even further beneath the surface—resentment. Another message must have arrived from home inquiring about my progress through the enchanted stone Kallistra had been bestowed with at the start of our journey. Although my people never directly admitted my failure in duties, they skillfully implied it. Short messages were all they could send through the magical item, but that was all it took.
How was I supposed to progress when I hardly knew what it was they wanted of me? Why couldn’t they just explain it to me? I would fulfill their task in a heartbeat if it meant Kallistra and I could return home to comfort. But any inquiry led to nothing. ‘You need to become stronger,’ was the most I would get from them. I needed to master my magic, they’d say. No further direction. Once I mastered my magic, I would learn my purpose. They didn’t care to define ‘mastery’.
“I understand,” was all I mumbled in response, as I sat back down in front of the fire and nibbled at my food.
“Listen.” Kallista let out a breath. “If it’s a suitable fit for us, we can take a job. It might be wise for you to clear your head before we continue our travels. I’ll come up with an excuse, alright?”
I nodded and offered a half smile. I had heard similar words before, but they had been nothing more than empty promises served up to appease me. And just like those times before, I smiled and pretended to believe them. It was less complicated that way, to accept my role and fulfill my purpose. To never want for anything else.
“Eat up and get some sleep,” Kallistra murmured, rising from her spot and heading toward her bedroll .
The night provided no solace, despite a full moon and a cluster of stars lighting the sky. Even their beauty did not calm my anxiety riddled thoughts. I listened to the unending buzzing of insects in the distance, the whistling of the icy wind, and the gentle breathing of my friend beside me. Everything around me was at peace, even the pain in my stomach had faded, so why was I incapable of resting? What had put me so off balance today?
It took some time tossing and turning before I drifted into slumber, succumbing to the hands of exhaustion. It took longer yet for me to fall so deeply I dreamt.
I stood in front of the mirror in a bedroom I did not recognize and ran my hand along the cheek of a face that was reminiscent of my own. Was it mine? The eyes were the same shade of rich red, set into an unnaturally pale face. The hair, paler still, cascaded down to my hips in loose waves, partially done up in plaits. These strange characteristics were certainly my own. No, it was the garments I was unfamiliar with—far more luxurious than anything I’d ever worn. A fabric made of vivid red silk with intricate embroidery spun in silver thread.
“Are you ready, Nairu?” From the room’s corner, a voice called to me.
I turned to look, and my breath hitched in my throat. There, a figure stood without a face. Where it should have been was nothing but distorted darkness. The vision of it sent a stabbing pain through my head, forcing me to grab for the bedpost to stabilize myself. My breaths grew swift and labored as I scrunched my eyes tightly closed .
“What is wrong? Nairu!” the voice called out in panic.
I heard the shuffling of feet approaching me as I staggered back against the wall. “Stay away from me! Go!”
“It’s me! Nirenza!”
“I don’t know that name! Begone!” I shouted through gritted teeth, still refusing to look up at the thing that was speaking to me.
“I-I will fetch a healer. Please, wait here.”
Only once the door clicked open and closed and a few moments had passed did I finally open my eyes. I dug my fingers into my hair, taking deep breaths to numb the pain still pulsing in my head. I needed to wake up. It was a nightmare. Incredibly vivid, but a nightmare, nonetheless. I was certain of it.
Perhaps I’d be able to escape the same way I had appeared. The mirror. I gripped the edges of the vanity and stared at my reflection. With every moment that passed, it grew darker, more horrific. Inky tendrils crept up the side of my face, growing larger and larger. My hair was like smoke, twisting and surrounding me in shades of ash and onyx. My parted lips curled up into a sinister smile. No. They weren’t my lips.
“You are weak,” the reflection whispered, its voice deep and melodic. “You have not yet proven yourself worthy of the gift I have bestowed upon you. I grow impatient with your insolence.”
“What… are you?” I bit the side of my cheek, holding in a whimper that threatened to escape and expose my fear.
“Your future. You cannot run from me. Remember that,” it hissed. “Remember.”
“Stop!” I covered her ears, the words making my brain rattle.
“Remember.”
“Shut up!”
“Remember, Nairu. Remember me.”
With a violent thrust, I punched the mirror; the glass shattering beneath the blow.
I awoke from the nightmare with a loud gasp, clutching at my blouse, moist with sweat, as I shot upright. Glancing down at my trembling hands, I’d expected to find blood, but found nothing. Perfectly unharmed.
Kallistra jolted to consciousness the moment she’d heard me stir. She had already drawn her dagger, which glistened in the moonlight with murderous intent. “What is it?”
“Just a dream. I was being chased by a boar,” I lied, throwing in a fabricated chuckle for good measure. “I was losing. Quite terrifying.”
“Shit, Nairu,” she giggled, settling back into her bedroll. “Don’t scare me like that.”
“It was a dream, that’s all. Go back to sleep.”
It felt wrong to lie, but I couldn’t be honest with Kallistra. Not when I knew how she would react. I waited for the telltale signs of Kallistra falling back asleep before I pulled my journal and ink from my bag. In the middle of the journal, just below the other names that had come to me in the night, I wrote it. Nirenza.
Aesira.
Rhosynn.
Nirenza .
It had been three women now who had come to me in the past two months, each one appearing in my dreams more vividly than the last. Each one called out to me, claiming to know me, claiming that I knew them, but I could never see their faces clearly. Empty. Before Nirenza, I could hardly make out their figures, or any characteristics at all, so seeing this much was an improvement. Wasn’t it?
The reflection, however, was a recent development. Unlike the three women, it spoke with a voice filled with malice. Disappointment. I wanted to learn more about it—needed to. More horrifying than the nightmare itself was the unknown. It was why I had to take matters into my own hands and keep this bit of information to myself. If Kallistra learned of these night terrors, she would surely report back home, telling the village elders the stress was making the Saintess lose her mind. Our journey might be forced to come to an end, and as much as I wanted that comfort for both of us, that couldn’t happen. Not yet. Not when they would punish Kallistra for failing.
The shaking of my shoulders woke me from my agitated slumber. Kallistra was hovering over me with a cheery smile, looking no worse for wear. A good rest and a decent meal worked like magic, bringing color back to her face and reigniting her spark. Once she assured I was awake, she returned to fix up a small breakfast, humming a tune as she worked.
I rubbed at my eyes, taking a moment for the lightheaded feeling to fade, before I attempted to stand. The pulsing in my head had subsided enough that I was able to ignore it if I occupied myself elsewhere. I had no choice but to ignore it, considering the lengthy ride we had ahead of us. If we were fortunate, and the horses could handle the quickened pace for another day in a row, we would arrive at our destination after one more night’s rest.
“Don’t forget, when we arrive in town, keep your hood up and refrain from speaking.” Kallistra began her usual lecture as she packed up her bag. “I’ll do the talking, get us in and out with our next lead.”